Not that my opinion matters or was asked for, but I think it's good that you're not scared or shamed to be embarrassed. Embarrassment is a social imposed emotion. And also, if you think about it, a sort of ego. "What must the other worms think of Me, the Protagonist
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I'm not too worried about being ugly or failing on TV. They're minor concerns but I know they're insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Especially since PBS is the home of Bob Ross and Sewing with Nancy. People who would have no chance on commercial TV as themselves, but are invited to be themselves (despite being a weird white dude in an afro, or a semi-paralyzed stroke victim) in a very honest way and without judgement.
The panic I feel is I think similar to that feeling you had when you were talking yourself into renting a car.. and then talked yourself out of it because.. well... everyone else is onboard, so why aren't YOU and suddenly there are BIG FEELINGS.
And you're trying to figure out how much of what you're feeling is social pressure, vs resentment at the social pressure, how much of it is old trauma that should be ignored vs old trauma that should be listened to and how much is just current anxiety or excitement to just get it over with and figure it out later.
Oh, I'm sure you keep up with pop culture and all that more than I do. The people whose wants, needs, and innovations direct/have directed social currents. Just like protagonists in movies or video games: the world of the movie/game revolves around them and the actions that they take, and the rest of the characters are just NPCs living in that world and reacting to their influence. People like Steve Jobs, Michael Jackson, Nelson Mandela, etc., who when they sneezed several billion people took notice.
Oh, no! Well…now you know. That’s an interesting thing to learn. Maybe you will figure it out and maybe you won’t, but wow, what an interesting facet this turns out to be! I relate to the round tables part: in my field it’s “moderating a panel.” I can do that any day, because it’s all the other folks on the stage that count more, and I get to shine a light on them. There’s something to that, for real. Maybe it’s an experiment into your own psyche now, like a doctor prodding all the parts: “is this where it hurts? How about here?”
"Maybe it’s an experiment into your own psyche now,..."That is spot-on how I approach the surprisingly tender parts of mental/emotional stuffing
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I'm so sorry you hated it. :( I hope it either becomes easier or you can finesse someone else in to replace you?
It reminds me of doing customer service and having the 'appropriate facade' for dealing with customers all day. A persona. Which I think you had/have for your radio show etc. I definitely remember your phone service voice. Lol
I also remember the first few times you did your radio show and you told me how weird your voice sounded to you and it took awhile for you to get comfy doing all that.
I think giving yourself grace and time is exactly the thing. You are a rock star and I think once you get rocking on this, you'll be off and running. 😘I'm rooting for you! 😊 ❤️
I've got three more episodes to find a comfortable place in my own mindspace and truly decide whether I ACTUALLY hate it, or I just hate certain parts of it (and which parts I hate are fixable).
And then I have about 3 months to come up with a better plan!
I was just shocked how strong my reaction was... like, "WOAH! FUCK NO! GET IT OFF ME!" level of visceral FuckThis-edness.
Yeah that's definitely worth looking at. 😁 Is it weird that I appreciate when my feelings signal things loudly like that? No gentle, "this *kinda* sucks..." it's huge klaxons and lights so I can go, "OH! Yes! I have noticed! Thank you!" lol I'm oblivious not only to others quieter feelings sometimes but also my own. Wheee! ❤️
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They're minor concerns but I know they're insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Especially since PBS is the home of Bob Ross and Sewing with Nancy. People who would have no chance on commercial TV as themselves, but are invited to be themselves (despite being a weird white dude in an afro, or a semi-paralyzed stroke victim) in a very honest way and without judgement.
The panic I feel is I think similar to that feeling you had when you were talking yourself into renting a car.. and then talked yourself out of it because.. well... everyone else is onboard, so why aren't YOU and suddenly there are BIG FEELINGS.
And you're trying to figure out how much of what you're feeling is social pressure, vs resentment at the social pressure, how much of it is old trauma that should be ignored vs old trauma that should be listened to and how much is just current anxiety or excitement to just get it over with and figure it out later.
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Maybe it’s an experiment into your own psyche now, like a doctor prodding all the parts: “is this where it hurts? How about here?”
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I'm so sorry you hated it. :( I hope it either becomes easier or you can finesse someone else in to replace you?
It reminds me of doing customer service and having the 'appropriate facade' for dealing with customers all day. A persona. Which I think you had/have for your radio show etc. I definitely remember your phone service voice. Lol
I also remember the first few times you did your radio show and you told me how weird your voice sounded to you and it took awhile for you to get comfy doing all that.
I think giving yourself grace and time is exactly the thing. You are a rock star and I think once you get rocking on this, you'll be off and running. 😘I'm rooting for you! 😊 ❤️
Reply
I've got three more episodes to find a comfortable place in my own mindspace and truly decide whether I ACTUALLY hate it, or I just hate certain parts of it (and which parts I hate are fixable).
And then I have about 3 months to come up with a better plan!
I was just shocked how strong my reaction was... like, "WOAH! FUCK NO! GET IT OFF ME!" level of visceral FuckThis-edness.
Reply
Yeah that's definitely worth looking at. 😁 Is it weird that I appreciate when my feelings signal things loudly like that? No gentle, "this *kinda* sucks..." it's huge klaxons and lights so I can go, "OH! Yes! I have noticed! Thank you!" lol I'm oblivious not only to others quieter feelings sometimes but also my own. Wheee! ❤️
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I learned I like listening to my feelings. They're my secret friends. They help me.
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