It's been far too long since I journalled for myself... a lot of writing going on, but mostly within communities and such. And a lot is throbbing through my head now, just itching at me to be "plughed". So I start a long journal post...
A four rooms... wow it's been a while since I've done this. lol
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P~ Feeling great, detoxed, clear. Yogurt or Kashi and hot chai tea for breakfast, tomato soup with crackers and fresh veggies for lunch, and gymming it... I'm down to below my college weight now. 8 more pounds lost and I'll have hit my lowest in my adult life. Although the scale and I don't understand each other, listening to my body tells me I'm doing okay. I'm honestly not even trying anymore, which feels great... total lb-s lost to date- 35. No boob loss though. *pumps fist*
M~ Aside from the book I am reading and tiing up wedding plans, I am bored out of my skull. Work has become a drone as I await March and my new responsibilities. Must admit too, there is a satisfied Brat inside that does take a little satisfaction in knowing that the thankless dept.'s "catch all girl" will soon be indisposed to the masses.
I've been analyzing a lot... what's new, yeah? With my mother's visit and new involvment, I can't help but balance out my emotion with a hefty dose of brainy assesment and protection. More on that in the emotional room.
E/W (emotional and wedding. :p )~ I could ramble here... on and on and on... our wedding is in just over 3 weeks, and even though the "cold feet" questions roll in daily, I think I tend to shock the askers when I say no and they see I mean it. I am so thrilled... and if by "cold feet" they really mean a confusing combination of excitment, anxiousness and just plain euphoria than sure, I'm a cold feet contender. I wonder if my period of anxiety has yet to be reached or if I've already passed it. To be married to the boy in just 3 weeks and 4 days feels perfect. Even though our relationship isn't flawless... it's perfect in that we know it's not. In that we understand the idiocincricies that go into a person's complex makeup... and what works together, which far outweighs where we casually bump heads, just feels........ right. Good.
More shallow details: My last fitting is Saturday... last Saturday I had my 3rd fitting, and it was amazing because she had taken the dress in and it started to really look (and feel) nice and fitted.
http://hpphoto.com/servlet/LinkPhoto?GUID=52392b44-3935-176a-ae0c-3956547a2aff&size=lg I went for a trial-run for an updo last night... no go I don't think unfortunately. My hair just isn't long enough. But it's fine. Though frankly I am more than a little tired of hearing hairdressers suggest I put in extensions. *snort* Thank you very much, no. Not my bag. I did, however, purchase makeup from Estee Lauder after a trial run. That's more eye makeup than I've ever worn on combined occasions, but I like it:
http://hpphoto.com/servlet/LinkPhoto?GUID=39676051-4b39-45fd-796b-11123a2e10eb&size=lg It's all so much fun, and moving and emotional... the experimenting, the crafting, runs to Michaels for pretty wrapping paper for the attendent and parent gifts. And the increased communication with my father... he called me last week just to say hi because he "was thinking about me". He'd never done that before. He can't believe "his little girl" is getting married. When we hung up I cried. I'm welling up just typing... There is something amazing about having your family so interested in what you are doing. Involved in plans, and working with you all because they love you and support your union to your life partner. There isn't anything in the world like it. I've realized how emotional I am... I well up at songs, thinking about the vows, dancing, the event in and of itself and my family, and I wonder if I'll shock them when they see their cool, collected and dry-humored Nina blubber about like a Barbie.
My mother visited overnight for a fitting. It's so foreign to me... unlike anything I've ever felt as well. In a way my heart surprisingly just leaps and soars because it's like "Oh my goddess... I have a mother. A real one. Who isn't drunk or slinging insults at me or trying to compete with my every achievement. She's... actually... happy for me." In a big way. Then Virgo pops her head in and reminds me of all the previous times I've gotten my hopes up in this manner, so I stay grounded but am determined to let myself *feel*... even if it's to be let down later... to feel it now is worth it. I found it so endearing that she came with dinner made. Roast pork and saurkraut - a German family tradition. And lasagna. And popcorn and jam and crackers and soup, lox and cream cheese, coffee, tangerines and (*laughs*) caviar. That's just my mother. I want so desperately for her to be happy. I look in her eyes and hear such longing in her voice... for someone to love and understand her unconditionally. But in a way, the way she is with men is the way I am with her. Always second guessing, always balancing the wish with the protection. Makes sense, she's of the Virgo variety as well.
Her and P are throwing me a shower. I never would have thought I'd have one, and I am so excited for it. At my old stomping grounds of flirtation and naughtiness, to boot. "Duffy's Love Shack"...
http://www.duffysloveshack.com . "The Wild Orchid Honeymoon Launch(eon)." we're calling it. It's a Vikky C's inspired soiree. I had so much fun scanning the VS sales with P looking for favors, and we found the perfect ones too boot. *yips*
Other random wedding-related pics:
The favors:
http://hpphoto.com/servlet/LinkPhoto?GUID=2aa573cb-8f9e-3021-5a41-5061767652d7&size=lg The flowers:
http://hpphoto.com/servlet/LinkPhoto?GUID=4b267cec-6d40-16b5-1f46-7efb6fd23abc&size=lghttp://hpphoto.com/servlet/LinkPhoto?GUID=6e8a645f-38d7-67a7-fee1-5cf393ad1120&size=lg Reception menu:
http://hpphoto.com/servlet/LinkPhoto?GUID=7be13a0b-5dd7-47b4-1400-22d012a04241&size=lg S~ I need more ritual. Solitary, clearing and powerful ritual. I booked a Reiki treatment with Jodi for the night before we leave for STT... mostly to clear out the work slough and put me in a space to fully let go and enjoy and play. I try to work in as much meditation and magick into my work as I can... just to make it more mine and to satisfy my hunger to boot. No matter though, somehow subconsciously I manage to live out magick when I am not getting enough awake.
Plans are being made for our Imbolc-influenced get together... I feel so lucky to have hooked up with such cool people, all eclectic, laid back and just into exploring. I don't feel inclined right now to get into serious work with anyone other than those I am especially close to and have history with, so it really works. Love that Imbolc lands on the 4th. I'll be on St. Thomas by then, and I think a sunset ritual on my secluded beach would be spectacular. Because of life changes, emotional and spiritual morphesis I am shedding Seshet. What will come out I don't know, but I think it's important to be open and accepting to whatever comes.
Incantations is a new shop just around the corner from me... amazing little store, and the owner is a member of Inner Flayme, so we'll gather at his place. In addition, we are working together to arrange some workshops and classes that I can host, which is so awesome. So much to look forward to.
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"Memoirs of a Geisha"... would that I could have taken the day off to curl on the couch with Gavin and read the below zero day away. Really amazing foreign comparison and use of language and imagery, but it doesn't lose any of its striking character in the process, but only adds to it. It's really quite amazing. So thankful that I have a friend with a wonderful library and two needy cats to sit for next door. lol