(no subject)
Guh - I can't seem to find a station to suit my present moodiness - so I switch on one that sets urban poetry to music in an attempt to find words to use myself. *snort* Feels like my brain works over time but in order to do so - as it grapples to be grounded and familiarized with all its new "roles", the fancy "titles" and new "jobs" - it needs to speak in binary to me and as a result I've become more functional than rational. There are bits here and there that amuse me though - the people who crawl from the woodwork to say hello and congratulations, offer to catch up with coffee dates - people I never expected to hear from again but am now speaking with regularly, and the flipside of course... perhaps what's the more interesting of the two - those I suppose I took for granted as people we would certainly hear from yet have not seen nor heard hide nor hair. Hrm. Curious. Speaks volumes IMO. I want to mourn for it but when I look back is there really anything to mourn for? *shrugs* But despite my initial hesitation I am glad we decided to contact who we did to share our wedding experience, and the photos. Truthfully I hadn't a clue what to expect and was a little nervous that we would be received with ice and hardness - but thus far have been pleasantly surprised, although the surprises come from where not much was expected. *chuckles*
P has compared the wedding as a kind of "initiation" - it felt that way to an extent, yes, (although with quite a few more kicks, heh) - but I think as time goes on afterward I see it more and more. While emailing those I haven't heard from in a while I find myself shedding the PC overtone for "Look. I wrote to say hi because we miss you. We don't care to rehash bullshit. You're in or you're out." This would have scared the shite out of me before. It still makes me nervous to an extent but I just don't have any room in myself, my consciousness, for fake crap. Is it because my life is truly full for the first time? It's certainly possible.
Mundane crap that needs to get out - the new job is finally kicking off and I'm finding it very nice to be discovering that I am really in a great spot to be managing my own work from start to finish, leaves a lot of room for executive decision making and walls are lifted creatively - 'course Virgo says "yes well this also means you are 100% accountable". This freaks me out a tad, but I think i'm still aglow at essentially being my own boss. Even Virgo can't stick her nose up at that.
I had a freak out the other day. Nate and I began seriously thinking about a "life plan" - next step: home ownership. Now, I know my credit sucks, but never in a thousand years would I have guessed just how in the hole I am. I need help. So off to the net I went for several hours on end to find financial recovery services. I think we found a really good one, but the idea that it's going to take 5 years to repair the damage is just so depressing. I guess by one right it's quite okay - enough time to save, and besides what choice to we really have and what is the rush, right? There's bitterness there too - people who have parents who pay for college and get them cars, but to be left to one's own devices it empowering in its own right - even when it feels crippling I 'spose.