(no subject)
Hey all, sorry, i have a large problem going on, I am 18 years old, and From the UK. Im totally Gender Fucked, I need to rant, and talk to someone who might share the same experiences. I Lj cut for you so it didnt flood anyones friends pages.
But if anyone wants to help me or give any advice.
Thanks <3
~Cross Posted~
Anyway i have a pretty girlie personallity, and probaly one of the least people you would imagine going through something like this.
Ive been on one of these communitys before, and posted a post about a few years back, when i was 16. Anyway im still having these problems. So im guessing its not a phase.. and it just keeps on getting worse.
I often browse round these sites, reading and gathering alot of information.
and ive learnt alot, and i know now im not the only gay male stuck in a female body.
i'm just so confused, what to do, will this ever go away, and have i always been like this?
i cant pretty much remember my childhood, i guess i learnt i was female from copying and learning from other kids and school, im pretty quiet and shy nature, so i wouldent bring anything up.
I had alot of friends, mostly boys, i spent alot of my time building tree bases, and having fights.. anyway thats when life was easy.. i guess i didnt have hormones driving me crazy, so i cant really relate to anything that stands out when i was younger.
anyway its where im a teenager it all just goes so weird..
first of all.. i probaly didnt get my first crush till i was about 15 or 16, i spent alot of my teenage years being pretty netural, where all my other friends were crushing all over the boys at school, i didnt like anyone, looking back now, they were all dicks, and just borring and plain. but i got sick of not liking anyone while all my girl friends talk about some guy. I eventually just made up a crush to make myself happy, anyway eventually my hormones started kicking in and i find people out there attractive.
The other problem i had while i was a teenager was sex, i was completly creaped out by sex education, and i remembered vowing never to have sex because i thought it was worthless, and stupid, and disgusting.
I dont find anything of my female body attractive, im quite lucky i have small boobs, and a skinny figure, but anything to do with whats downstairs mind boggles me. I dont really enjoy masturbation, I am not a virgin, and i have had relationships with straight guys for over a year or more, i cant say i was intrested in the sex, i felt alot of the time pretty uncomfy in my own body but i dont it for the guy.
so for a while i thought i was assexual during the relationship i thought i was assexual so i looked it up. I guess it kinda agreed but i still had feelings for guys, also i strongly had feelings for gay guys. I looked up things regulary like porn, personals, storys, talked to gay guys as friends. But i always wanted to be them..
I know for sure im not a lesbian because i have no sexual attraction to girls never in my life.
I've always dreamt of being a guy, even when i was a kid, I was always a male in my dreams. I thought of it as nothing.. but i guess now it means something..and even when im day dreaming now, or sleeping i dream that im a guy.
For a while i know a faaar lot about gay people, sex, relationships. and ive found it does turn me on, at the point when i was with my ex bf, i use to just imagine i was a guy getting fucked by a guy and i'd feel alot more turned on, and happier about myself, but then also after it was the confusment, and why i done it.
anyway i thought i could live like this, i could cover it up, but i guess its part off me, i guess normal girls dont go through this? i guess im not just normal..
and now im getting older, these feelings are getting more stronger, there part of my everyday life, that i cover up.
and in the future, im not sure what will happen and what i can see myself as, and i often think sometimes it would be better just starting all over again, as im useless as a girl, and im just never gonna be happy, so i would take the chance just to be reborn and hopefully as a boy, or just as a girl without these feelings.
but theres also so much of my life i want to achieve, and thats my main goal in life at the moment.
i know i would be a boy, if someone could put a magic wand on me, and just change my life.
thats why i constantly dream of it, because i know in my dreams i can be who i want, but when i do wake up its back to reality.
Ive looked into alot of FTM things,
and ive looked at pictures, and personals on gay.com and some people look amazing! it really made me heart warmed, and glad to know im not the only one out there.
But when looking at surgery.. it kinda made me sad that there is no possiblity that i could ever have a full size cock. Doctors can shockingly transfer men into beautiful realistic women..
but for FTM unless i have missed something... we cannot get something so realistic..
I guess i strive for perfection.. or i dont want to be classed as a freak,
i get scared thinking that if i ever one day do decide to transition, will there ever be a gay guy thats intrested in me? or will i just never get what im looking for..
anyway i feel pretty much like a split personallity, and this is something very secret to me, and i find it hard to gasp sometimes in reality, i have no friends to talk to this about, none of my real friends would understand. im pretty much alone.
anyway i need to let part of split side out..
if anyone wants to friend me i'll give you my msn, aim or yahoo.
I'm intrested in looking for friends, someone to talk to about things.. maybe then with some people i can relate to, i can make my life more understandble.
Also if anyone wants to reply, about there experiences,
or knows what is going on in my head..
please reply,
im open for any suggestions, hate mail, or love =D=D
p.s sorry for how long this is... i needed to mega rant
xxx
But if anyone wants to help me or give any advice.
Thanks <3
~Cross Posted~
Anyway i have a pretty girlie personallity, and probaly one of the least people you would imagine going through something like this.
Ive been on one of these communitys before, and posted a post about a few years back, when i was 16. Anyway im still having these problems. So im guessing its not a phase.. and it just keeps on getting worse.
I often browse round these sites, reading and gathering alot of information.
and ive learnt alot, and i know now im not the only gay male stuck in a female body.
i'm just so confused, what to do, will this ever go away, and have i always been like this?
i cant pretty much remember my childhood, i guess i learnt i was female from copying and learning from other kids and school, im pretty quiet and shy nature, so i wouldent bring anything up.
I had alot of friends, mostly boys, i spent alot of my time building tree bases, and having fights.. anyway thats when life was easy.. i guess i didnt have hormones driving me crazy, so i cant really relate to anything that stands out when i was younger.
anyway its where im a teenager it all just goes so weird..
first of all.. i probaly didnt get my first crush till i was about 15 or 16, i spent alot of my teenage years being pretty netural, where all my other friends were crushing all over the boys at school, i didnt like anyone, looking back now, they were all dicks, and just borring and plain. but i got sick of not liking anyone while all my girl friends talk about some guy. I eventually just made up a crush to make myself happy, anyway eventually my hormones started kicking in and i find people out there attractive.
The other problem i had while i was a teenager was sex, i was completly creaped out by sex education, and i remembered vowing never to have sex because i thought it was worthless, and stupid, and disgusting.
I dont find anything of my female body attractive, im quite lucky i have small boobs, and a skinny figure, but anything to do with whats downstairs mind boggles me. I dont really enjoy masturbation, I am not a virgin, and i have had relationships with straight guys for over a year or more, i cant say i was intrested in the sex, i felt alot of the time pretty uncomfy in my own body but i dont it for the guy.
so for a while i thought i was assexual during the relationship i thought i was assexual so i looked it up. I guess it kinda agreed but i still had feelings for guys, also i strongly had feelings for gay guys. I looked up things regulary like porn, personals, storys, talked to gay guys as friends. But i always wanted to be them..
I know for sure im not a lesbian because i have no sexual attraction to girls never in my life.
I've always dreamt of being a guy, even when i was a kid, I was always a male in my dreams. I thought of it as nothing.. but i guess now it means something..and even when im day dreaming now, or sleeping i dream that im a guy.
For a while i know a faaar lot about gay people, sex, relationships. and ive found it does turn me on, at the point when i was with my ex bf, i use to just imagine i was a guy getting fucked by a guy and i'd feel alot more turned on, and happier about myself, but then also after it was the confusment, and why i done it.
anyway i thought i could live like this, i could cover it up, but i guess its part off me, i guess normal girls dont go through this? i guess im not just normal..
and now im getting older, these feelings are getting more stronger, there part of my everyday life, that i cover up.
and in the future, im not sure what will happen and what i can see myself as, and i often think sometimes it would be better just starting all over again, as im useless as a girl, and im just never gonna be happy, so i would take the chance just to be reborn and hopefully as a boy, or just as a girl without these feelings.
but theres also so much of my life i want to achieve, and thats my main goal in life at the moment.
i know i would be a boy, if someone could put a magic wand on me, and just change my life.
thats why i constantly dream of it, because i know in my dreams i can be who i want, but when i do wake up its back to reality.
Ive looked into alot of FTM things,
and ive looked at pictures, and personals on gay.com and some people look amazing! it really made me heart warmed, and glad to know im not the only one out there.
But when looking at surgery.. it kinda made me sad that there is no possiblity that i could ever have a full size cock. Doctors can shockingly transfer men into beautiful realistic women..
but for FTM unless i have missed something... we cannot get something so realistic..
I guess i strive for perfection.. or i dont want to be classed as a freak,
i get scared thinking that if i ever one day do decide to transition, will there ever be a gay guy thats intrested in me? or will i just never get what im looking for..
anyway i feel pretty much like a split personallity, and this is something very secret to me, and i find it hard to gasp sometimes in reality, i have no friends to talk to this about, none of my real friends would understand. im pretty much alone.
anyway i need to let part of split side out..
if anyone wants to friend me i'll give you my msn, aim or yahoo.
I'm intrested in looking for friends, someone to talk to about things.. maybe then with some people i can relate to, i can make my life more understandble.
Also if anyone wants to reply, about there experiences,
or knows what is going on in my head..
please reply,
im open for any suggestions, hate mail, or love =D=D
p.s sorry for how long this is... i needed to mega rant
xxx