Where the Wind Won't Blow, chapter two
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Shirts, pants, knives, socks, sidearm, undies, ammo, flash bomb, rosary, food… Packing, Joanna mentally ticked off the list of things to take on her trip to Kheb. Everything fit neatly into knapsack: she wasn't going to be gone long. Just enough for Kheb and a quick side trip. Hauling the pack onto her back, Joanna left her room, making her way to the Gate.
"All set, Colonel?" Major Jemison asked as she entered the Gateroom. Joanna nodded. SG-7 was off to P2D-849 to do some kind of sciencey thing she hadn't paid too close attention to; she was going to gate to Kheb from there.
"You didn't have to take such a roundabout way, Colonel," Hammond said to her from the control room. Joanna smiled up at him, a genuine one.
"I didn't want you to have to justify a personal trip to the IOA, General."
Hammond chuckled, as she’d hoped he would. He looked way too strained lately, and Joanna wondered over it for a moment. Members of SGC had died before; while Teal'c's death had dealt her a serious blow, she was surprised at how hard Hammond was taking it. Perhaps they had been closer than she’d thought.
"Have a good trip."
"Thank you, sir."
Joanna trailed after SG-7 as they clanged up the ramp, going through the event horizon with a little slurping sound that had always amused her. It failed to do so this time, however, and Joanna gave herself over to the trip through the wormhole, closing her eyes against the stars rushing by. Experience let her know when the ride was coming to an end, and she jogged out of the Gate, coming to a stop before descending the platform.
The DHD was nearby, and Joanna hid a smirk as Lieutenant Lenardson dialed Kheb for her. She wondered if Hammond had ordered SG-7 to keep an eye on her and make sure she actually went to Kheb. Rose had offered to go along when Hammond finalized the trip, but Joanna had sidestepped that by trotting out how she needed to do this alone.
Cynical, maybe, but Joanna hadn't lived as long as she had by not being suspicious and watching her back. A half-smile and wave at SG-7 saw her thought the Gate again, spat out the other side on Kheb.
It was midday here and still, the fauna silenced for the moment by the Gate. Joanna debated spending the night at the temple before going on to P3D-572, or waiting by the Gate to see of someone from SG-7 followed her though with some flimsy excuse to see if she was still there, or just going on right away.
Impatient and not caring anymore if Hammond knew what she was doing, Joanna dialed P3D-572. SG-16, half-jokingly called CSI: SGC, had just been there just a few days ago, so she was fairly sure the site was clear, but she dug her sidearm out of her pack anyway as the vortex settled and she stepped through the Gate.
It was dawn on P3D-572, already bright as the planet's two suns came over the horizon. The haze covering the forested foothills a few miles away was being burned off, and Joanna could see hints of Anubis' former base through the green and white. She slowly walked down the steps and followed the wide path. Her eyes scanned the area in front of her, and occasionally she turned to check what was behind her, but P3D-572 seemed as quiet as Kheb had been. The day was beginning to get uncomfortably warm and humid, and occasionally Joanna had to take off her cap and wipe the sweat off her face.
Soon, the entire base came into view. It was obvious a battle had taken place here: large chunks of the buildings were gone, scorch marks flung across walls like a child's black paint. Joanna had to walk around a few shallow craters she recognized as the work of claymores; perhaps not the approach she would have taken, but they had gotten the job done. Experienced eyes took everything in, matching the actual site to the reports in Hammond's folder. The battle began to play in her head- she heard Ferretti barking orders, the blast of staff weapons, and saw SG-5 as they assaulted the base. She saw Teal'c come over a small hillock, begin to circle around, and right over there…
Joanna walked the few meters to the spot where Teal'c had been struck down. She stood there, looking at the dirt and weeds under her feet. Kneeling, she searched in vain for the slightest impression of his boots, a print or something he had left behind. Seeing nothing, she raked her fingers through the dirt, picking up a handful and letting it sift through her fingers. The dirt felt… normal. She wasn't sure what she had thought it would be like- charged with the residual power of three zat blasts? Did the ground absorb any of the energy? He had had on rubber-soled boots… She idly wondered if one of Sam's vaunted scientific thingymabobs could measure leftover zat energy, like a Geiger counter with radioactivity.
Picking out two smooth pebbles from the dirt, Joanna stood, placing them in her pocket. She turned away from the suns, getting her canteen out and taking a mouthful of water before swallowing half and spitting the rest out. There was nothing here for her.
Without a second glance, Joanna went back to the Gate and returned to Kheb.
~~~~
"Colonel?"
"Sir?" Jack slowed his steps as Hammond came up behind him in the corridor.
"How are you doing?"
It was a moment before Jack answered. "Fine, sir."
"Don't give me that, Jack. You and your team--"
"With all due respect, sir, are you surprised?" Stopping at a small offshoot of the corridor, Jack turned to face Hammond, making sure there wasn't anyone else around. "Teal'c and I both told you how this was going to end up. It's a little late to be concerned about how we’re doing. And for the record, sir, this sucks. Faking it in front of my own team is hard enough; Rose thinks I'm an asshole, which I am, for not helping Joanna thought this, but she'd figure out something was up in a second."
"We agreed that this was the only way, Colonel." Hammond's eyes were steely, and Jack realized he had probably gone too far, but the fallout from this mission wasn't exactly going as planned.
"Yes, sir, we did, some of us under protest."
"Colonel, no matter what you may think, I am concerned about the welfare of those under me, even when I have to issue orders that may not be in their best interests. Dr. MacKenzie is available to any member of your team, even yourself. Especially yourself," Hammond added.
"Yes, sir." Jack wisely said nothing more, merely standing there as Hammond walked away, and promised himself that he would never be put in the position of having to talk to MacKenzie again.
~~~~
The footpath to the temple on Kheb was long, winding through the forest and along a river. Still hot from the double suns on P3D-572, Joanna paused to douse her bandana in the cool water, then wrapped it around her neck. Another half-mile brought her to a bend in the path that showed the temple at the base of what could be called low mountains, but after the Rockies, these looked a bit anemic to Joanna.
It was getting onto dusk as she reached the temple grounds; making her way to the center of the compound, she paused before the temple proper outside the round entryway very much like the Stargate. She had read Daniel's detailed account of SG-1's mission to Kheb before she’d left, so she peeled off her pack and pulled out the spare ammo and flash bombs. Wrapping them along with her emptied sidearm in her bandana, she dug a shallow hole in a nearby bed and placed the weapons in it, then filled the hole back up and placed a few stones- artfully, she thought- over the turned earth.
Joanna sighed as she replaced her field shovel in her pack and got out her rosary, unhappy with leaving her gun and the bombs there, but not too keen on getting electrocuted by large bolts of lightning, either. Passing through the round entry, she found the room with the multi pointed star on the floor. She entered, taking off her boots and setting them with her pack, alongside the nearest wall.
As soon as she stepped into the star, the four red candles placed inside flared up, their wicks alight. Slightly reassured that the place wasn't totally deserted, Joanna sat down, cross-legged in the center, and began to pray.
~~~~
"Master Bra'tac." Hammond met the older man at one of the huge metal doors to the Gateroom as the Gate vortex subsided and the iris closed. The general led him up the stairs to his office, saying, "Please have a seat. Do you have any news of…"
"Not specifically," sighed Bra'tac, his face worn. "Only rumors of what is happening to the System Lords' armies. This, at least, is good news."
"However, we won't know what the hell is going on until T comes back. If he comes back. How long do we give him?" Jack's sarcastic voice preceded him as he came in the office, closing the door behind him.
"Colonel," Hammond warned.
Bra'tac merely nodded. "That is a possibility-one that we discussed previously, O'Neill. The schedule still remains in place."
"If he doesn't come back, who's gonna tell Joanna? She deserves to know."
"The other O'Neill," Bra'tac said. "How has she taken the news? Is she here? It would be remiss of me not to speak with her."
"She's gone to Kheb, Bra'tac," Hammond answered.
"Kheb!" Bra'tac's astonished gaze swung from Hammond to Jack, who just nodded, then back to Hammond. An expression of understanding passed over Bra'tac's face. "Are these kinds of pilgrimages common in your culture?"
Jack shrugged, looking to Hammond for help. "Sometimes," the general replied. "Some people draw some comfort from visiting the place where their loved one died."
"Perhaps I will go there myself and see her. There have been Jaffa asking when the traditional rituals commemorating a fallen warrior's life are to be held. I have put them off, saying that Joanna, as Teal'c's chosen, must be consulted. And as there is no body, doing this has been simpler than if there was. Kheb," he said again, softer this time. "She will not find Teal'c there, of course, but if going to Kheb brings her some measure of peace until he returns, then so be it."
"If he returns," Jack muttered.
"Colonel," Hammond repeated, becoming irritated with Jack, "we knew the risks when we decided on this mission. Hell, when we decided to join the military!"
"If he does not return, he is not the warrior I trained him to be. Teal'c will survive, O'Neill." Bra'tac put the full force of his years behind his words, his eyes flashing. "When he does, we must be ready to act on the advancements he has made, to strike hard against the false gods. Is everything prepared here?"
"Just about," Hammond answered. "Colonel O'Neill, take Master Bra'tac to the conference room and show him where we're at."
Jack and Bra'tac left Hammond to his paperwork, moving into the next room to go over the missions Teal'c was laying ground for. The men strategized together for some time, reconfirming troop deployment and strengths, until Bra'tac leaned back in his chair and leveled a long, thoughtful gaze at Jack.
"You do not believe Teal'c will return, O'Neill?"
Throwing down his pencil, Jack leaned back too. He crossed his arms over his chest and frowned. "If there's anybody who could come back from what he's doing, it's Teal'c," he finally said.
"It is the effect of the subterfuge on your team that is still troubling you, then."
"And Joanna. This trip to Kheb surprised the hell outta me. She's fooled MacKenzie and the rest of 'em into thinking she's doing it for closure, but…. I dunno." Jack scrubbed at his face with his hand. "I'm pretty sure something's up with her, but I can't tell what it is. I'll talk to her when she gets back."
With that, they turned their attention back to the maps and plans in front of them.
~~~~
The rumble of her stomach brought Joanna out of her prayers. Slowly she got to her hands and knees, then to her feet, wincing at the stiffness in her joints. Remember to bring a chair next time, will ya? came the fleeting thought. She flexed her legs, arched her back, and finally opened her eyes all the way to see a short man in monk's robes standing outside the star, watching her.
"Jeebus!" Quickly stepping backward, Joanna bit back a cry as pain shot through her knees. She tripped over a candle, then the edge of the star, falling heavily on her ass with another curse. Keeping an eye on the stranger, her hand reached for her sidearm before she remembered who he was and that she didn't have her sidearm with her.
"Sorry," she muttered, once more getting creakily to her feet. Halfway there, a hand reached out to her; abandoning her pride, Joanna grabbed it and was hauled up. "Thanks."
Do you come to seek oneness with Desala? The monk smiled serenely at Joanna, who shook her head, as if to get an annoying insect off her.
"Don't- can you- just talk, ok?" She pressed her fingers behind her jaw and worked it a little, popping her ears. "That's just… weird."
"Do you seek oneness with Desala?" The benign expression the monk wore freaked Joanna out a little, and she gave him a wan smile back. She hadn't been sure if she would meet anyone, and wondered if they- whoever "they" were; the Ancients? Delsala's gang?- would let her just stay a day or two.
"No, not y-no, I don't," she answered. "I'm looking for someone. He thought after he died he'd come here, where his calak would learn how to go on to his next life."
Unperturbed, the monk nodded. "That which is sought is not always found."
"Yeeeeah, I've heard about you… Listen, I'm just here for closure, ok? But right now I need something to eat." Hobbling over to her pack, Joanna continued talking as she picked it up. "I'd love to trade quips, but I'm also beat and need to find somewhere to crash."
"There is no rest for the weary." Walking toward the doorway, the monk gestured to Joanna to follow him.
"I always thought it was 'no rest for the wicked'," she muttered, trailing after him. Joanna made him wait as she dug up her weapons, then followed him down a short alleyway and a left turn that brought them to a small courtyard with a fountain in the middle, and what seemed like dormitory rooms for other monks surrounding it.
Poking her head into a room, Joanna saw a cot with a small, rough-hewn table next to it. "Thanks," she said, turning back to the monk, but he was gone. "Ooookay." Joanna dropped her pack and rummaged through it, bringing out the various things she'd need for dinner, then went back to the fountain.
She filled her drinking cup and small pot before sitting on the ground with her back against the stone rim of the fountain. Efficiently, she put together the ultralight stove and put the water on. The sun was going down- she could see it slide below a thin sliver of tree-capped mountain over the tile roof of the compound- and in the few minutes it took for the sun to disappear, the water was boiling; Joanna added one of the freeze-dried dinners she had brought.
"Mmm, tuna noodle." She blew on her sporkful, took a bite, and was suddenly overwhelmed by a wave of loneliness that screwed up her face. Joanna bent her head, resting it on her hand. The courtyard and the temple faded until the only thing she could see was Teal'c's face. Fighting back the despair, she forced herself to finish eating, every bite sticking in her throat, each needing to be washed down by a drink of water.
You're just tired, stressed… haven't been sleeping well. Not even the pudding she made could pick her up, and after packing everything away, Joanna lay down on the cot in the small cell and closed her eyes, one hand on the gun under her pillow.
~~~~
In the morning, after a picked-over MRE breakfast of cheese omelet and hash browns with bacon that barely tasted anything like what it was supposed to, Joanna explored the compound. Her hands trailed over the stone walls as she silently walked, trying to get a sense of the place, to see if she could feel any of the millions of Jaffa that had passed through here in the millennia they had been fighting for the Goa'uld.
There was something; she was aware of it on the edge of her senses, but whether it was Jaffa or the Ancients that might still live there, Joanna couldn't tell. She stopped walking and placed both hands flat against a wall, slowing her breathing. It was just out of reach, this thing she felt, like trying to catch a minnow in the streams back home.
Sighing, Joanna pushed herself away from the wall, dusted off her hands, and wound her way slowly back to the temple. After burying her weapons once more, with a grimace she lowered herself down to meditate. Gettin' old, Jo. Might be time to ask for a desk job. Jack hadn't seemed too keen on his reassignment, but Joanna could tell he didn't hobble around as much as he’d used to. And there was something to be said about not getting shot at all the time.
The candles had lit themselves once more when she sat down, and Joanna fixated on one dancing flame, letting her eyes lose their focus. She let her breathing slow again, dredging up from memory most of what Teal'c had taught her about achieving Kel’nor’eem. Slowly, she cleared her mind, trying to calm the emotional tailspin Teal'c's death had put her in.
She concentrated on breathing: in, then out. Joanna forced the anguish she was drowning in over Teal'c's death to dissolve away in her mind. It was slow going, but she kept at it; she would find him here, she knew it, and the thought brought her solace.
Eventually, out of the blackness of her mind, the temple room she was in formed. Joanna could see the courtyard outside it, and tile tiled roofs beyond that. She felt weightless; turning within the room, it was almost as if she was underwater. With a start, she saw herself meditating- she had never fallen this deeply into a trance before. Joanna wondered if it was Kheb that was helping her, or perhaps an Ancient- like the faint shape to her left, a white nebulous form that floated a few feet above the floor, looking remarkably like radioactive linguini. Reaching her thoughts outward, Joanna only felt the same vague sense of awareness as before. It was perhaps the smallest bit stronger, but that may have been her own yearning for answers.
With the slightest thought, she passed out into the courtyard and through the compound. Occasionally, she would come across another glowing linguini mass, and sometimes two or three together, but the compound seemed, to all extents, deserted. It wasn't until she reached a large building on the opposite side that she sensed something other than the white forms.
They were more a shimmer in the light, like a mirage seen over the desert sands, than the more substantial linguini masses. She couldn't tell how many there were; they blended together, boundaries blurred. Cautiously Joanna moved to them, then brushed through the edge of one.
Scenes of battles, like from a disjointed movie sped up almost too fast to follow flashed though her mind. A Jaffa, she was sure of it. And if he was here, then Teal'c could be, too. Joanna skimmed the edges of the rest of the shimmers but sensed nothing that felt like Teal'c. She tried to communicate with them, bringing forth memories of her Jaffa, however she got nothing in return. Joanna wasn't even sure if she was able to communicate with these souls. Retreating from the group, she thought with hopelessness the size of the area she had to search, and her chances of actually finding Teal'c.
Not willing to give up, not yet, she pressed onward. She found she could move swiftly through the compound, and when she took a corner too fast, through the stone walls, much to her satisfaction. The sun was well past its zenith when Joanna finally had to admit defeat; she had been over the compound twice and had found nothing more.
She found her way back to the temple; standing outside the doorway, she watched herself, deep in the human version of Kelnorim. Christ, I look old. Feel it, too. She sagged, overwhelmed once more by a crashing wave of loneliness. The influx of mundane thoughts and concerns broke her through her meditation, and Joanna suddenly felt herself being dragged back toward her body. With a start, she opened her eyes to find she was corporal again.
He isn't here. Joanna dropped her head in her lap and cried- not the wracking sobs torn from her when she’d first learned Teal'c had died, but a hopeless weeping that left her weak and trembling as her body gently rocked back and forth.
"O'Neill."
With a gasp, Joanna sat up to see Bra'tac kneeling a few feet in front of her. She quickly scrubbed at her face, wiping tear tracks from her cheeks. "Tek ma'te, Master Bra'tac." Her voice was rough, and she cleared her throat, bowing her head as much as in respect as to try and get a hold of her emotions.
"Tek ma'tek, Joanna." They both were silent as Joanna composed herself; when she felt ready to face him, she raised her head. "Hammond told me I could find you here," he said. "You are searching for Teal'c?"
Joanna nodded, her eyes dull as she looked at Bra'tac. "He isn't here. I looked everywhere; I dunno know what happened to him." She cleared her throat again and sniffled.
Bra'tac said nothing, merely grasping Joanna's arm and squeezing gently. The sympathy on his face struck her, and the tears fell again. Awkwardly, Bra'tac settled at her side, putting his arms around her. Joanna clutched at him, drawing strength from his familiar presence. Pulling back after a long moment, she gave him a half-smile.
"I really thought I'd find him here. He spoke of Kheb- not all the time, but enough. I thought maybe he'd stick around ‘til I died, then we'd move on together." Joanna felt Bra'tac withdraw, his expression closed off. "Hungry? Want something to eat?" Confused at his response, she changed the subject and struggled to her feet, joints popping. "MRE freeze-dried stuff, but…. It's how humans cope," she told him, seeing the puzzlement on Bra'tac's face as he rose. "We eat."
"I cannot stay. I only came to- see how you were."
"Oh." Joanna shrugged indifferently. "Hanging in there. I'll be fine," she answered, lying once more.
Bra'tac looked at her, his eyes searching her own, but she met his gaze steadily, and he had to accept it.
"I'll walk back with you a bit," she said. He followed her out of the temple, cocking an eyebrow when she paused to dig up her weapons. "I read what they did to the Jaffa that fired at you. I don't have a death wish."
Liar… came a soft thought. Ignoring it, Joanna silently walked with Bra'tac to the imposing, gated entrance to the temple compound, where he faced her.
"It will get better," he promised. Once more, he clasped her arm, then turned down the path leading back to the Gate. She watched him go until the forest swallowed him, and made her way back to the small courtyard with the fountain.
It won't get better. T is gone, and it will never be better. Joanna ate, this time just pulling an MRE out at random, not noticing what she put into her mouth. It was good to see Bra'tac, but the quickness of his visit and his distance gnawed at her. Why should he care, now that T's dead? T was the only thing bringing him back to us. First Jack, now Bra'tac, even Hammond. They're all distancing themselves. The loneliness returned, rolling up through her, and Joanna lost her appetite, only finishing the meal because she couldn't figure out what to do with the leftovers.
She got her pack together, put everything back in it, and returned to the temple one last time. Leaving her pack by the entryway, she stepped into the center of the star where the candles lit themselves again. She dug one of the smooth pebbles from P3D-572 from her pocket and held her clenched fist to her mouth. "Tal mek. Priem ta shree, tal'ma," she whispered. Our love does not end in death.
Kneeling, she buried the pebble deep in the coarse, black sand, turned her back, and walked away.
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Two
Shirts, pants, knives, socks, sidearm, undies, ammo, flash bomb, rosary, food… Packing, Joanna mentally ticked off the list of things to take on her trip to Kheb. Everything fit neatly into knapsack: she wasn't going to be gone long. Just enough for Kheb and a quick side trip. Hauling the pack onto her back, Joanna left her room, making her way to the Gate.
"All set, Colonel?" Major Jemison asked as she entered the Gateroom. Joanna nodded. SG-7 was off to P2D-849 to do some kind of sciencey thing she hadn't paid too close attention to; she was going to gate to Kheb from there.
"You didn't have to take such a roundabout way, Colonel," Hammond said to her from the control room. Joanna smiled up at him, a genuine one.
"I didn't want you to have to justify a personal trip to the IOA, General."
Hammond chuckled, as she’d hoped he would. He looked way too strained lately, and Joanna wondered over it for a moment. Members of SGC had died before; while Teal'c's death had dealt her a serious blow, she was surprised at how hard Hammond was taking it. Perhaps they had been closer than she’d thought.
"Have a good trip."
"Thank you, sir."
Joanna trailed after SG-7 as they clanged up the ramp, going through the event horizon with a little slurping sound that had always amused her. It failed to do so this time, however, and Joanna gave herself over to the trip through the wormhole, closing her eyes against the stars rushing by. Experience let her know when the ride was coming to an end, and she jogged out of the Gate, coming to a stop before descending the platform.
The DHD was nearby, and Joanna hid a smirk as Lieutenant Lenardson dialed Kheb for her. She wondered if Hammond had ordered SG-7 to keep an eye on her and make sure she actually went to Kheb. Rose had offered to go along when Hammond finalized the trip, but Joanna had sidestepped that by trotting out how she needed to do this alone.
Cynical, maybe, but Joanna hadn't lived as long as she had by not being suspicious and watching her back. A half-smile and wave at SG-7 saw her thought the Gate again, spat out the other side on Kheb.
It was midday here and still, the fauna silenced for the moment by the Gate. Joanna debated spending the night at the temple before going on to P3D-572, or waiting by the Gate to see of someone from SG-7 followed her though with some flimsy excuse to see if she was still there, or just going on right away.
Impatient and not caring anymore if Hammond knew what she was doing, Joanna dialed P3D-572. SG-16, half-jokingly called CSI: SGC, had just been there just a few days ago, so she was fairly sure the site was clear, but she dug her sidearm out of her pack anyway as the vortex settled and she stepped through the Gate.
It was dawn on P3D-572, already bright as the planet's two suns came over the horizon. The haze covering the forested foothills a few miles away was being burned off, and Joanna could see hints of Anubis' former base through the green and white. She slowly walked down the steps and followed the wide path. Her eyes scanned the area in front of her, and occasionally she turned to check what was behind her, but P3D-572 seemed as quiet as Kheb had been. The day was beginning to get uncomfortably warm and humid, and occasionally Joanna had to take off her cap and wipe the sweat off her face.
Soon, the entire base came into view. It was obvious a battle had taken place here: large chunks of the buildings were gone, scorch marks flung across walls like a child's black paint. Joanna had to walk around a few shallow craters she recognized as the work of claymores; perhaps not the approach she would have taken, but they had gotten the job done. Experienced eyes took everything in, matching the actual site to the reports in Hammond's folder. The battle began to play in her head- she heard Ferretti barking orders, the blast of staff weapons, and saw SG-5 as they assaulted the base. She saw Teal'c come over a small hillock, begin to circle around, and right over there…
Joanna walked the few meters to the spot where Teal'c had been struck down. She stood there, looking at the dirt and weeds under her feet. Kneeling, she searched in vain for the slightest impression of his boots, a print or something he had left behind. Seeing nothing, she raked her fingers through the dirt, picking up a handful and letting it sift through her fingers. The dirt felt… normal. She wasn't sure what she had thought it would be like- charged with the residual power of three zat blasts? Did the ground absorb any of the energy? He had had on rubber-soled boots… She idly wondered if one of Sam's vaunted scientific thingymabobs could measure leftover zat energy, like a Geiger counter with radioactivity.
Picking out two smooth pebbles from the dirt, Joanna stood, placing them in her pocket. She turned away from the suns, getting her canteen out and taking a mouthful of water before swallowing half and spitting the rest out. There was nothing here for her.
Without a second glance, Joanna went back to the Gate and returned to Kheb.
~~~~
"Colonel?"
"Sir?" Jack slowed his steps as Hammond came up behind him in the corridor.
"How are you doing?"
It was a moment before Jack answered. "Fine, sir."
"Don't give me that, Jack. You and your team--"
"With all due respect, sir, are you surprised?" Stopping at a small offshoot of the corridor, Jack turned to face Hammond, making sure there wasn't anyone else around. "Teal'c and I both told you how this was going to end up. It's a little late to be concerned about how we’re doing. And for the record, sir, this sucks. Faking it in front of my own team is hard enough; Rose thinks I'm an asshole, which I am, for not helping Joanna thought this, but she'd figure out something was up in a second."
"We agreed that this was the only way, Colonel." Hammond's eyes were steely, and Jack realized he had probably gone too far, but the fallout from this mission wasn't exactly going as planned.
"Yes, sir, we did, some of us under protest."
"Colonel, no matter what you may think, I am concerned about the welfare of those under me, even when I have to issue orders that may not be in their best interests. Dr. MacKenzie is available to any member of your team, even yourself. Especially yourself," Hammond added.
"Yes, sir." Jack wisely said nothing more, merely standing there as Hammond walked away, and promised himself that he would never be put in the position of having to talk to MacKenzie again.
~~~~
The footpath to the temple on Kheb was long, winding through the forest and along a river. Still hot from the double suns on P3D-572, Joanna paused to douse her bandana in the cool water, then wrapped it around her neck. Another half-mile brought her to a bend in the path that showed the temple at the base of what could be called low mountains, but after the Rockies, these looked a bit anemic to Joanna.
It was getting onto dusk as she reached the temple grounds; making her way to the center of the compound, she paused before the temple proper outside the round entryway very much like the Stargate. She had read Daniel's detailed account of SG-1's mission to Kheb before she’d left, so she peeled off her pack and pulled out the spare ammo and flash bombs. Wrapping them along with her emptied sidearm in her bandana, she dug a shallow hole in a nearby bed and placed the weapons in it, then filled the hole back up and placed a few stones- artfully, she thought- over the turned earth.
Joanna sighed as she replaced her field shovel in her pack and got out her rosary, unhappy with leaving her gun and the bombs there, but not too keen on getting electrocuted by large bolts of lightning, either. Passing through the round entry, she found the room with the multi pointed star on the floor. She entered, taking off her boots and setting them with her pack, alongside the nearest wall.
As soon as she stepped into the star, the four red candles placed inside flared up, their wicks alight. Slightly reassured that the place wasn't totally deserted, Joanna sat down, cross-legged in the center, and began to pray.
~~~~
"Master Bra'tac." Hammond met the older man at one of the huge metal doors to the Gateroom as the Gate vortex subsided and the iris closed. The general led him up the stairs to his office, saying, "Please have a seat. Do you have any news of…"
"Not specifically," sighed Bra'tac, his face worn. "Only rumors of what is happening to the System Lords' armies. This, at least, is good news."
"However, we won't know what the hell is going on until T comes back. If he comes back. How long do we give him?" Jack's sarcastic voice preceded him as he came in the office, closing the door behind him.
"Colonel," Hammond warned.
Bra'tac merely nodded. "That is a possibility-one that we discussed previously, O'Neill. The schedule still remains in place."
"If he doesn't come back, who's gonna tell Joanna? She deserves to know."
"The other O'Neill," Bra'tac said. "How has she taken the news? Is she here? It would be remiss of me not to speak with her."
"She's gone to Kheb, Bra'tac," Hammond answered.
"Kheb!" Bra'tac's astonished gaze swung from Hammond to Jack, who just nodded, then back to Hammond. An expression of understanding passed over Bra'tac's face. "Are these kinds of pilgrimages common in your culture?"
Jack shrugged, looking to Hammond for help. "Sometimes," the general replied. "Some people draw some comfort from visiting the place where their loved one died."
"Perhaps I will go there myself and see her. There have been Jaffa asking when the traditional rituals commemorating a fallen warrior's life are to be held. I have put them off, saying that Joanna, as Teal'c's chosen, must be consulted. And as there is no body, doing this has been simpler than if there was. Kheb," he said again, softer this time. "She will not find Teal'c there, of course, but if going to Kheb brings her some measure of peace until he returns, then so be it."
"If he returns," Jack muttered.
"Colonel," Hammond repeated, becoming irritated with Jack, "we knew the risks when we decided on this mission. Hell, when we decided to join the military!"
"If he does not return, he is not the warrior I trained him to be. Teal'c will survive, O'Neill." Bra'tac put the full force of his years behind his words, his eyes flashing. "When he does, we must be ready to act on the advancements he has made, to strike hard against the false gods. Is everything prepared here?"
"Just about," Hammond answered. "Colonel O'Neill, take Master Bra'tac to the conference room and show him where we're at."
Jack and Bra'tac left Hammond to his paperwork, moving into the next room to go over the missions Teal'c was laying ground for. The men strategized together for some time, reconfirming troop deployment and strengths, until Bra'tac leaned back in his chair and leveled a long, thoughtful gaze at Jack.
"You do not believe Teal'c will return, O'Neill?"
Throwing down his pencil, Jack leaned back too. He crossed his arms over his chest and frowned. "If there's anybody who could come back from what he's doing, it's Teal'c," he finally said.
"It is the effect of the subterfuge on your team that is still troubling you, then."
"And Joanna. This trip to Kheb surprised the hell outta me. She's fooled MacKenzie and the rest of 'em into thinking she's doing it for closure, but…. I dunno." Jack scrubbed at his face with his hand. "I'm pretty sure something's up with her, but I can't tell what it is. I'll talk to her when she gets back."
With that, they turned their attention back to the maps and plans in front of them.
~~~~
The rumble of her stomach brought Joanna out of her prayers. Slowly she got to her hands and knees, then to her feet, wincing at the stiffness in her joints. Remember to bring a chair next time, will ya? came the fleeting thought. She flexed her legs, arched her back, and finally opened her eyes all the way to see a short man in monk's robes standing outside the star, watching her.
"Jeebus!" Quickly stepping backward, Joanna bit back a cry as pain shot through her knees. She tripped over a candle, then the edge of the star, falling heavily on her ass with another curse. Keeping an eye on the stranger, her hand reached for her sidearm before she remembered who he was and that she didn't have her sidearm with her.
"Sorry," she muttered, once more getting creakily to her feet. Halfway there, a hand reached out to her; abandoning her pride, Joanna grabbed it and was hauled up. "Thanks."
Do you come to seek oneness with Desala? The monk smiled serenely at Joanna, who shook her head, as if to get an annoying insect off her.
"Don't- can you- just talk, ok?" She pressed her fingers behind her jaw and worked it a little, popping her ears. "That's just… weird."
"Do you seek oneness with Desala?" The benign expression the monk wore freaked Joanna out a little, and she gave him a wan smile back. She hadn't been sure if she would meet anyone, and wondered if they- whoever "they" were; the Ancients? Delsala's gang?- would let her just stay a day or two.
"No, not y-no, I don't," she answered. "I'm looking for someone. He thought after he died he'd come here, where his calak would learn how to go on to his next life."
Unperturbed, the monk nodded. "That which is sought is not always found."
"Yeeeeah, I've heard about you… Listen, I'm just here for closure, ok? But right now I need something to eat." Hobbling over to her pack, Joanna continued talking as she picked it up. "I'd love to trade quips, but I'm also beat and need to find somewhere to crash."
"There is no rest for the weary." Walking toward the doorway, the monk gestured to Joanna to follow him.
"I always thought it was 'no rest for the wicked'," she muttered, trailing after him. Joanna made him wait as she dug up her weapons, then followed him down a short alleyway and a left turn that brought them to a small courtyard with a fountain in the middle, and what seemed like dormitory rooms for other monks surrounding it.
Poking her head into a room, Joanna saw a cot with a small, rough-hewn table next to it. "Thanks," she said, turning back to the monk, but he was gone. "Ooookay." Joanna dropped her pack and rummaged through it, bringing out the various things she'd need for dinner, then went back to the fountain.
She filled her drinking cup and small pot before sitting on the ground with her back against the stone rim of the fountain. Efficiently, she put together the ultralight stove and put the water on. The sun was going down- she could see it slide below a thin sliver of tree-capped mountain over the tile roof of the compound- and in the few minutes it took for the sun to disappear, the water was boiling; Joanna added one of the freeze-dried dinners she had brought.
"Mmm, tuna noodle." She blew on her sporkful, took a bite, and was suddenly overwhelmed by a wave of loneliness that screwed up her face. Joanna bent her head, resting it on her hand. The courtyard and the temple faded until the only thing she could see was Teal'c's face. Fighting back the despair, she forced herself to finish eating, every bite sticking in her throat, each needing to be washed down by a drink of water.
You're just tired, stressed… haven't been sleeping well. Not even the pudding she made could pick her up, and after packing everything away, Joanna lay down on the cot in the small cell and closed her eyes, one hand on the gun under her pillow.
~~~~
In the morning, after a picked-over MRE breakfast of cheese omelet and hash browns with bacon that barely tasted anything like what it was supposed to, Joanna explored the compound. Her hands trailed over the stone walls as she silently walked, trying to get a sense of the place, to see if she could feel any of the millions of Jaffa that had passed through here in the millennia they had been fighting for the Goa'uld.
There was something; she was aware of it on the edge of her senses, but whether it was Jaffa or the Ancients that might still live there, Joanna couldn't tell. She stopped walking and placed both hands flat against a wall, slowing her breathing. It was just out of reach, this thing she felt, like trying to catch a minnow in the streams back home.
Sighing, Joanna pushed herself away from the wall, dusted off her hands, and wound her way slowly back to the temple. After burying her weapons once more, with a grimace she lowered herself down to meditate. Gettin' old, Jo. Might be time to ask for a desk job. Jack hadn't seemed too keen on his reassignment, but Joanna could tell he didn't hobble around as much as he’d used to. And there was something to be said about not getting shot at all the time.
The candles had lit themselves once more when she sat down, and Joanna fixated on one dancing flame, letting her eyes lose their focus. She let her breathing slow again, dredging up from memory most of what Teal'c had taught her about achieving Kel’nor’eem. Slowly, she cleared her mind, trying to calm the emotional tailspin Teal'c's death had put her in.
She concentrated on breathing: in, then out. Joanna forced the anguish she was drowning in over Teal'c's death to dissolve away in her mind. It was slow going, but she kept at it; she would find him here, she knew it, and the thought brought her solace.
Eventually, out of the blackness of her mind, the temple room she was in formed. Joanna could see the courtyard outside it, and tile tiled roofs beyond that. She felt weightless; turning within the room, it was almost as if she was underwater. With a start, she saw herself meditating- she had never fallen this deeply into a trance before. Joanna wondered if it was Kheb that was helping her, or perhaps an Ancient- like the faint shape to her left, a white nebulous form that floated a few feet above the floor, looking remarkably like radioactive linguini. Reaching her thoughts outward, Joanna only felt the same vague sense of awareness as before. It was perhaps the smallest bit stronger, but that may have been her own yearning for answers.
With the slightest thought, she passed out into the courtyard and through the compound. Occasionally, she would come across another glowing linguini mass, and sometimes two or three together, but the compound seemed, to all extents, deserted. It wasn't until she reached a large building on the opposite side that she sensed something other than the white forms.
They were more a shimmer in the light, like a mirage seen over the desert sands, than the more substantial linguini masses. She couldn't tell how many there were; they blended together, boundaries blurred. Cautiously Joanna moved to them, then brushed through the edge of one.
Scenes of battles, like from a disjointed movie sped up almost too fast to follow flashed though her mind. A Jaffa, she was sure of it. And if he was here, then Teal'c could be, too. Joanna skimmed the edges of the rest of the shimmers but sensed nothing that felt like Teal'c. She tried to communicate with them, bringing forth memories of her Jaffa, however she got nothing in return. Joanna wasn't even sure if she was able to communicate with these souls. Retreating from the group, she thought with hopelessness the size of the area she had to search, and her chances of actually finding Teal'c.
Not willing to give up, not yet, she pressed onward. She found she could move swiftly through the compound, and when she took a corner too fast, through the stone walls, much to her satisfaction. The sun was well past its zenith when Joanna finally had to admit defeat; she had been over the compound twice and had found nothing more.
She found her way back to the temple; standing outside the doorway, she watched herself, deep in the human version of Kelnorim. Christ, I look old. Feel it, too. She sagged, overwhelmed once more by a crashing wave of loneliness. The influx of mundane thoughts and concerns broke her through her meditation, and Joanna suddenly felt herself being dragged back toward her body. With a start, she opened her eyes to find she was corporal again.
He isn't here. Joanna dropped her head in her lap and cried- not the wracking sobs torn from her when she’d first learned Teal'c had died, but a hopeless weeping that left her weak and trembling as her body gently rocked back and forth.
"O'Neill."
With a gasp, Joanna sat up to see Bra'tac kneeling a few feet in front of her. She quickly scrubbed at her face, wiping tear tracks from her cheeks. "Tek ma'te, Master Bra'tac." Her voice was rough, and she cleared her throat, bowing her head as much as in respect as to try and get a hold of her emotions.
"Tek ma'tek, Joanna." They both were silent as Joanna composed herself; when she felt ready to face him, she raised her head. "Hammond told me I could find you here," he said. "You are searching for Teal'c?"
Joanna nodded, her eyes dull as she looked at Bra'tac. "He isn't here. I looked everywhere; I dunno know what happened to him." She cleared her throat again and sniffled.
Bra'tac said nothing, merely grasping Joanna's arm and squeezing gently. The sympathy on his face struck her, and the tears fell again. Awkwardly, Bra'tac settled at her side, putting his arms around her. Joanna clutched at him, drawing strength from his familiar presence. Pulling back after a long moment, she gave him a half-smile.
"I really thought I'd find him here. He spoke of Kheb- not all the time, but enough. I thought maybe he'd stick around ‘til I died, then we'd move on together." Joanna felt Bra'tac withdraw, his expression closed off. "Hungry? Want something to eat?" Confused at his response, she changed the subject and struggled to her feet, joints popping. "MRE freeze-dried stuff, but…. It's how humans cope," she told him, seeing the puzzlement on Bra'tac's face as he rose. "We eat."
"I cannot stay. I only came to- see how you were."
"Oh." Joanna shrugged indifferently. "Hanging in there. I'll be fine," she answered, lying once more.
Bra'tac looked at her, his eyes searching her own, but she met his gaze steadily, and he had to accept it.
"I'll walk back with you a bit," she said. He followed her out of the temple, cocking an eyebrow when she paused to dig up her weapons. "I read what they did to the Jaffa that fired at you. I don't have a death wish."
Liar… came a soft thought. Ignoring it, Joanna silently walked with Bra'tac to the imposing, gated entrance to the temple compound, where he faced her.
"It will get better," he promised. Once more, he clasped her arm, then turned down the path leading back to the Gate. She watched him go until the forest swallowed him, and made her way back to the small courtyard with the fountain.
It won't get better. T is gone, and it will never be better. Joanna ate, this time just pulling an MRE out at random, not noticing what she put into her mouth. It was good to see Bra'tac, but the quickness of his visit and his distance gnawed at her. Why should he care, now that T's dead? T was the only thing bringing him back to us. First Jack, now Bra'tac, even Hammond. They're all distancing themselves. The loneliness returned, rolling up through her, and Joanna lost her appetite, only finishing the meal because she couldn't figure out what to do with the leftovers.
She got her pack together, put everything back in it, and returned to the temple one last time. Leaving her pack by the entryway, she stepped into the center of the star where the candles lit themselves again. She dug one of the smooth pebbles from P3D-572 from her pocket and held her clenched fist to her mouth. "Tal mek. Priem ta shree, tal'ma," she whispered. Our love does not end in death.
Kneeling, she buried the pebble deep in the coarse, black sand, turned her back, and walked away.
Chapter Three
Chapter Four