The Dirty Bitch
Hi,
OK, so today, I watched about 2 hours of an anime series that I own. Well, 76 episodes, on DVD.
I think you guys might know it. It's called "Naruto."
If you're familiar with this anime, then you'll know that 2 hours of episode-time equals about 15 minutes of story. Yes, they like to stall and stand around and say the exact same thing they said about 3 minutes before. And they love flashbacks. But that's not the only problem with this anime. With the very sensuous, exciting, dangerous, ambrosial, yummy, succulently voluptous (and even sometimes salacious) pictures/drawings on the box covers (like this), you would think there'd be non-stop action and unbelievably well choreographed ninja fights.
WRONG.
They very rarely have any action at all, using moving backgrounds and still-figures to substitute any form of action. Whenever they do have cool fighting (and they do have some really cool fighting), it lasts about 10 seconds; and it's a complete freak-of-nature. You never see it ever, ever, ever again, or at least for the next 20 episodes. That makes me feel bad for those who actually watch it every week, because they have to wait 8 months to view a really cool 5-second fight.
However, that's really not all. There are many, many more problems with this show: The Characters.
Don't get me wrong, now. The characters are pretty damn cool. No, really. They are. But they seem to lack any real form of credibility. They all have specialties, and they use them to show off... but they don't actually achieve anything using them. The best a characters can do is LOSE and then learn something from it. "I now see that my fate can be changed. Thanks, dad, for teaching me that today." Your dad's dead, loser. Yeah.
Let me show you some of the really, really, weird things and special quirks and abilities and skills and watch'a-call-its of some of the characters.
Sakura's special ability is that she has two consciences. So she says something, and her second or alter-conscience/personality passes off a sarcastic comment, like, "HELL YEAH, MOTHERFUCKERS! I TOTALLY WANT HIS FUCKING BABY! GO, SASUKE!" Making it totally funny for her, and no one else, since she's the only one that sees/hears it. Oh, and it's useful in the case that somebody tries to take over her conscience. You know, because that happens hella often.
Naruto's special ability is that he totally doesn't know when to quit. That's pretty much the same for every main character in every single anime out there. Because the message Japan is trying to give to its youth is, "Don't give up!" Because, you know, they never accomplish anything in Japan. Although, Naruto does actually have a useful little thing to him. He kind of has two chakra systems.... But I won't get into that.
Sasuke's special ability is that he really, really, really wants to kill his brother. And every single girl/lady/woman/grand-ma in this show totally falls head-over-heels in love with him. And, as we all know, that's acutely useful in the ninja world.
Temari's, oops, Temari's special ability is her really, really, really huge fan. She's the slave of the show, cooling people off for hours-on-end to pay for her rent.
Ino's special ability is that her name resembles the Japan word "inu," meaning "dog."
But the worst of all is Shikamaru. He's the dumbest tactician I've ever seen. He's supposed to have an IQ of 200, but he just doesn't know how to kill people. Let me give you two examples. (And not because those two examples are the worst, but because those are the ONLY times he does anything of importance so far.)
1) Shikamaru is fighting Temari, oops, Temari, and he's totally winning. She constantly attacks, waving her huge-ass fan (not to be confused with fan, as in "I'm a huge fan of yours," or otaku[copyright, King Kyouken]), dealing amazing damage to the trees around Shikamaru. (But not actually hitting him.) Shikamaru does this big dramatical stance (5 hours of flashbacks included) where he figures out the meaning of life, where babies come from, and how to beat Temari, oops, Temari, oops, Temari. Shikamaru uses a series of tricks to put Temari right where he wants her, and, using his only ninja technique, he takes control of her! (His shadow links up to hers, and whichever way he moves, she [unwillingly] does the same.) Right before she was caught, Temari planted the top of her huge-ass fan in the ground right in front of her. All Shikamaru has to do is bow/bend-forward several times, and Temari will hit her head on the end of her fan, causing her to GET HER HEAD HIT SEVERAL TIMES WITH HER OWN FAN, resulting in passing-out/dying and the winning of Shikamaru.
SO WUT DID'E DO WUT DID'E DO WUT DID'E DO?!?!
He raises his hand and says, "I forfeit."
BRILLIANT PLAN, MOTHERFUCKER.
2) In this situation, Shikamaru is stalling (no pun intended) about 20 or so ninjas so that Naruto-and-posse can catch up to the dudes they're running after 'cuz like they're evil and need to be caught by Naruto-and-posse but they can't 'cuz like they're being followed by about 20 or so ninjas so Shikamaru has to stall (no pun intended) them. He manages to catch ALL of the ninjas with his shadow-technique-thingy. He tries to throw the ninja-stars and kunais that he had in his hands to kill them all. A ninja in hiding manages to hit every single one of his ninja-stars and kunais by throwing his own weapons, rendering Shikamaru's attack useless. All Shikamaru has to do is take out more kunai (making his opponents take out their kunais as well) and stab left-and-right. His enemies (which are perfectly aligned, one next to the other) would end up stabbing each other, resulting in their deaths and the winning of Shikamaru.
SO WUT DID'E DO WUT DID'E DO WUT DID'E DO?!?!
He just stood there and waited for somebody to save him. Loser.
So with all of these abominably stupid problems with the show, why do I like it? Why do I even watch it?
...
I'm that good.
OK, so today, I watched about 2 hours of an anime series that I own. Well, 76 episodes, on DVD.
I think you guys might know it. It's called "Naruto."
If you're familiar with this anime, then you'll know that 2 hours of episode-time equals about 15 minutes of story. Yes, they like to stall and stand around and say the exact same thing they said about 3 minutes before. And they love flashbacks. But that's not the only problem with this anime. With the very sensuous, exciting, dangerous, ambrosial, yummy, succulently voluptous (and even sometimes salacious) pictures/drawings on the box covers (like this), you would think there'd be non-stop action and unbelievably well choreographed ninja fights.
WRONG.
They very rarely have any action at all, using moving backgrounds and still-figures to substitute any form of action. Whenever they do have cool fighting (and they do have some really cool fighting), it lasts about 10 seconds; and it's a complete freak-of-nature. You never see it ever, ever, ever again, or at least for the next 20 episodes. That makes me feel bad for those who actually watch it every week, because they have to wait 8 months to view a really cool 5-second fight.
However, that's really not all. There are many, many more problems with this show: The Characters.
Don't get me wrong, now. The characters are pretty damn cool. No, really. They are. But they seem to lack any real form of credibility. They all have specialties, and they use them to show off... but they don't actually achieve anything using them. The best a characters can do is LOSE and then learn something from it. "I now see that my fate can be changed. Thanks, dad, for teaching me that today." Your dad's dead, loser. Yeah.
Let me show you some of the really, really, weird things and special quirks and abilities and skills and watch'a-call-its of some of the characters.
Sakura's special ability is that she has two consciences. So she says something, and her second or alter-conscience/personality passes off a sarcastic comment, like, "HELL YEAH, MOTHERFUCKERS! I TOTALLY WANT HIS FUCKING BABY! GO, SASUKE!" Making it totally funny for her, and no one else, since she's the only one that sees/hears it. Oh, and it's useful in the case that somebody tries to take over her conscience. You know, because that happens hella often.
Naruto's special ability is that he totally doesn't know when to quit. That's pretty much the same for every main character in every single anime out there. Because the message Japan is trying to give to its youth is, "Don't give up!" Because, you know, they never accomplish anything in Japan. Although, Naruto does actually have a useful little thing to him. He kind of has two chakra systems.... But I won't get into that.
Sasuke's special ability is that he really, really, really wants to kill his brother. And every single girl/lady/woman/grand-ma in this show totally falls head-over-heels in love with him. And, as we all know, that's acutely useful in the ninja world.
Temari's, oops, Temari's special ability is her really, really, really huge fan. She's the slave of the show, cooling people off for hours-on-end to pay for her rent.
Ino's special ability is that her name resembles the Japan word "inu," meaning "dog."
But the worst of all is Shikamaru. He's the dumbest tactician I've ever seen. He's supposed to have an IQ of 200, but he just doesn't know how to kill people. Let me give you two examples. (And not because those two examples are the worst, but because those are the ONLY times he does anything of importance so far.)
1) Shikamaru is fighting Temari, oops, Temari, and he's totally winning. She constantly attacks, waving her huge-ass fan (not to be confused with fan, as in "I'm a huge fan of yours," or otaku[copyright, King Kyouken]), dealing amazing damage to the trees around Shikamaru. (But not actually hitting him.) Shikamaru does this big dramatical stance (5 hours of flashbacks included) where he figures out the meaning of life, where babies come from, and how to beat Temari, oops, Temari, oops, Temari. Shikamaru uses a series of tricks to put Temari right where he wants her, and, using his only ninja technique, he takes control of her! (His shadow links up to hers, and whichever way he moves, she [unwillingly] does the same.) Right before she was caught, Temari planted the top of her huge-ass fan in the ground right in front of her. All Shikamaru has to do is bow/bend-forward several times, and Temari will hit her head on the end of her fan, causing her to GET HER HEAD HIT SEVERAL TIMES WITH HER OWN FAN, resulting in passing-out/dying and the winning of Shikamaru.
SO WUT DID'E DO WUT DID'E DO WUT DID'E DO?!?!
He raises his hand and says, "I forfeit."
BRILLIANT PLAN, MOTHERFUCKER.
2) In this situation, Shikamaru is stalling (no pun intended) about 20 or so ninjas so that Naruto-and-posse can catch up to the dudes they're running after 'cuz like they're evil and need to be caught by Naruto-and-posse but they can't 'cuz like they're being followed by about 20 or so ninjas so Shikamaru has to stall (no pun intended) them. He manages to catch ALL of the ninjas with his shadow-technique-thingy. He tries to throw the ninja-stars and kunais that he had in his hands to kill them all. A ninja in hiding manages to hit every single one of his ninja-stars and kunais by throwing his own weapons, rendering Shikamaru's attack useless. All Shikamaru has to do is take out more kunai (making his opponents take out their kunais as well) and stab left-and-right. His enemies (which are perfectly aligned, one next to the other) would end up stabbing each other, resulting in their deaths and the winning of Shikamaru.
SO WUT DID'E DO WUT DID'E DO WUT DID'E DO?!?!
He just stood there and waited for somebody to save him. Loser.
So with all of these abominably stupid problems with the show, why do I like it? Why do I even watch it?
...
I'm that good.