Fashion on the wards..for those who like humour/my writing/scrubs
It is a truth universally acknowledged that the team grading your performance on placement would be making 75% of their first impression based upon how you look. London hospitals are the most demanding in this respect with extremely rich consultants accustomed to more fragrant non-NHS surroundings and celebrity patients. (Said fat cat consultants would prefer all females to be affair-worthy, in order to actually have a reason to get to know their firm!)
In order to be conventionally attractive, the mere provision of washed hair, clean, neatly manicured short nails, buffed shoes, and white coat is insufficient.
One needs to begin from the top of the female form, with hair straighteners, (try not to carry portable ones on wards with your stethoscope like Bart’s ladies are known to do!), or a ponytail band if you’ve got the frizz. Those without need not apply - dreadlocks and baldness belong on the catwalk, not in clinic! (You don’t want to be mistaken for the fat cat consultant’s nemesis aka the Camden hippie or butch lesbians whilst attempting to charm your way round the Royal Free!)
Additionally, looking approachable, to consultants and patients will certainly perpetuate your rise and rise. Patients won’t talk to you if you’re exhaling the ethanol fumes and sporting the panda-eye make-up from last night’s jaunt to Purple. A little perfume (pheromone sprays, obtainable from licensed sex shops are also useful) plus minimal makeup - a bit of concealer here, a slick of lip gloss etc won’t go amiss, so don’t take the drag queens (well you can’t tell someone’s gender under 5-inches of slap, can you?) that populate the third year of ICSM as your muse for this!
Keeping with these ladies of the night, I’d like to remind you that club-wear (any item of clothing that’s short, shiny, see-through, spandex or two sizes too small for the wearer) is frowned upon. You need to appear organised, capable and uncomplicated at the same time - so avoid restrictive materials such as PVC, leather and rubber. Pick clothes in colours and shapes that enhance your figure, altering them so a touch of leg, or a hint of cleavage is accessible for flesh-mediated bribery as required. Tasteful accessories, which ameliorate your figure, are another must, these being most easily found in Accessorize, Next and Marks and Sparks.
Which brings me to footwear. Height is especially useful when the guy grading you has to see you at eye-level, or thereabout, to witness exactly how stunning and charming you are at close range, so all those under 5’4 are best off wearing shoes with the number of inches required to make them 5’5, the preferred height of the British girlfriend. It is advisable to wear closed-toed shoes, as cheesy tights and chipped toenails will overpower the good work your carefully chosen perfume has done. Weight is another matter worth considering - eat more salad, keep your boobs and get the grade (and the sugar daddy) you deserve. Kanye can do it, and so can we - here’s to the glitter plan!