Fringe
I checked out the premiere of "Fringe" last night, because JJ Abrams knows how to draw in an audience, if not how to keep it. A friend of mine writes out her thoughts during episodes of "Lost", so I thought I'd try it with "Fringe". Spoilers within. I guess.
TEASER
• Airlines must really love JJ Abrams for all he’s done to promote air travel.
• Was that guy vaccinating himself against the zombie stuff? If so, he did a shit job.
• This title sequence sure seems similar to that of another show I know…
ACT ONE
• Hey, look, it’s Brad from Boston Legal! Is he going to be the Mulder to this moderately hot lead actress’s Scully? They’re already having sex, so there goes the pesky unresolved sexual tension stuff.
• Oh, Homeland Security. You’ve offered so much to conspiracy theorists everywhere.
• Creepy Bald Black Guy (BBG) from “Lost” is already starting some shit by not giving the lead the respect (I assume) she deserves. This is feeling like Diet X-Files already.
• Oh, wait, it’s different from The X-Files because already there are more than seven people working at the FBI.
• BBG called Olivia “honey”. That means we’re not supposed to like him.
• “You said you loved me in the motel”. They’re getting this mushy already? $20 says Boston Legal Brad ends up dead by the end of the episode.
• The production value on Abrams’ shows is so good, even snow on pavement looks ominous.
• Of course there would be a maze at the warehouse. For chases and stuff.
• Yup, there goes Brad all exploding. And we’re only 13 minutes in. Abrams runs a tight ship.
• “Agent Scott was exposed to some synthetic chemical compounds.” If it involves an alien black oil, I won’t be tuning in next week.
• “FRINGE WILL RETURN IN SIXTY SECONDS”. Wow, even the commercial breaks are dramatic. That’s not even enough time for a bathroom break!
ACT TWO
• BBG is so obviously sinister, so needlessly argumentative towards the heroine, that it can only mean he’s one of the Good Guys. Just like Assistant Director Skinner on “The X-Files”.
• I’m not a fan of the huge SuperText geography markers. Is this show being told from inside a GPS?
• Olivia thinks Joshua Jackson “sounds like a massive pain in the ass.” Most of the industry must agree, since he hasn’t been seen or heard since “Dawson’s Creek”.
• Joshua is the second guy to call Olivia “honey” in 20 minutes. You think the writers want us to understand how tough it is to be a woman in the FBI?
• Is it just me, or is Michael Giaccino cribbing some of his favorite musical instruments from “Lost”? This score is going to get kind of intrusive.
• “Your friend’s life…is not going to be saved by a tube of toothpaste.” If it’s good enough for MacGyver…
• Olivia says fertility is a pseudoscience. Sex Ed class lied to me.
• When Dr. Bishop turned around in his cell I couldn’t help but expect a Hannibal Lecter joke.
• “Butterscotch pudding on Mondays” has to be a coded message for something, right? Clarice Starling could’ve cracked it in five minutes.
• Okay, Dr. Bishop is starting to weigh this show down. Kick his croaky, bearded ass and just get the info you need.
• Olivia has three expressions, and they all seem to be variations on irritation.
• A new James Bond commercial. Man, that movie looks cool.
• Samuel L. Jackson does “Training Day” in the suburbs. “King Kong ain’t got shit on me!” has been replaced with “I’m the po-lice! You have to do what I say!”
ACT THREE
• Jesus, everybody on this show looks so dour. Drop some humor in this thing fast.
• “I just pissed myself…just a squirt.” I guess that passes as a funny line. Almost.
• Does no one screen the institutionalized psychopaths from stepping into science labs and running bizarre experiments?
• Crazy guy wants his lab back? Sure, why not?
ACT FOUR
• Oooh, the old “I have your government file” bluff. She’s good.
• “His brain will no longer be able to oxygenize itself.” Stop him before he votes for John McCain!
• This crazy guy just wants an excuse to stick something in her neck and get her wet and naked. Points for originality.
• “Excellent. Let’s make some LSD.” Only on FOX, kids.
• Who is this no-neck agent in the long coat? I can already tell he’s going to be a buzzkill.
• Ten minutes to the end of the episode and we get the obligatory near-nude scene. Damn you for toying with me, JJ!
• Olivia kind of looks like a more attractive version of Cate Blanchett. She’s also unfortunately pretty non-dynamic for a series lead. Jennifer Garner and Evangeline Lilly this is not.
ACT FIVE
• Olivia is now a pre-cog!
• Nice product placement, Dell. I now know where to turn for all my consciousness-invading needs.
• Wow, this is a well-produced show. Look at all the dreamland, metaphysical stuff.
• So I guess the overarching quest of this show is that she tries to save her partner? Dull.
• I wonder how well this consciousness-linking eyewitness bullshit would hold up in court. This isn’t exactly admissible evidence.
• A commercial for Spike Lee’s latest masturbatory cinematic overture. I can’t wait. He hasn’t made a good movie since “Malcolm X”.
ACT SIX
• What? Is this a two-hour pilot? Shit, man, I gots things to do!
• His name is Richard Steeg? He already sounds like an asshole, sight unseen.
• Oh, great. Cancer. This better not be an important plot point. I’m sick of it already.
• That robot arm looks so phony.
• Conspiracies within conspiracies. I sure hope this isn’t yet another puzzle show that loses its way after a couple seasons. But knowing JJ Abrams, it probably is.
ACT SEVEN
• Why do most of the dialogue scenes in this show feel really turgid?
• And why is Joshua Jackson invested enough in this mystery to chase the prime suspect himself? He’s not FBI. His partner wasn’t infected. He’s not sleeping with the lead. What does he care?
• This is a good chase scene, though. This story needed a shot in the arm anyway.
• Interrogations? You mean they actually follow police procedure on this show? I’ll bet that won’t last beyond three episodes.
• Oh, nice. Now they’re playing good cop, lame cop.
• Joshua, just shut up for a second and trust the crazy scientist. He was right about the consciousness-invasion thing, after all.
• See? BBG is softening up already. Maybe he’s just getting ready to stab her in the back.
• BBG is apparently solely interested in babbling exposition, or ideas for future episodes. “Come work for me. Come work for The X-Fi…I mean, for the Fringe studies.”
• “I just want to go back to before,” Olivia says. Doesn’t she know she’s the hero? Her life is fucked from here on out. That’s how it goes.
ACT EIGHT
• It seems Olivia’s attractiveness really depends a lot on the kind of lighting she’s standing in.
• “I was threatened by a guy in your office.” I almost expected the “X-Files” theme to play here. Trust No One.
• Whoa, the partner was in on it? But he’s so honest-looking and square-jawed and All-American. Okay, so I didn’t see that one coming. But didn’t this guy just get out of a coma? Already he’s smothering suspects? What’s happening? JJ, you are a confusing bastard.
• Is it a problem that this is maybe the second exciting thing that’s happened in this episode?
ACT NINE
• Come on. Jack Bauer could end this car chase in two minutes or less.
• Does every network channel just allow JJ whatever budget he wants? Is he becoming the Peter Jackson of network TV?
• Stupid move. Those SUVs are known for their high roll-over potential.
• A well-played death. Good exit, Brad.
• “One breath of the wrong air can incinerate you from the inside out…We’re not fully briefed on half the things we’re investigating…We’re obsolete.” Rest well, Americans.
• Joshua says he’s got to get the hell out of Boston. But we know he won’t. Why? Because he’s contracted as a lead actor.
• Nice that the “we can interrogate a corpse” angle comes back to involve Brad.
• I guess I’ll tune in next week. I guess. But my expectation is that Fox will cancel this one in seven episodes, or juggle it around time slots until it dies an unceremonious death.
TEASER
• Airlines must really love JJ Abrams for all he’s done to promote air travel.
• Was that guy vaccinating himself against the zombie stuff? If so, he did a shit job.
• This title sequence sure seems similar to that of another show I know…
ACT ONE
• Hey, look, it’s Brad from Boston Legal! Is he going to be the Mulder to this moderately hot lead actress’s Scully? They’re already having sex, so there goes the pesky unresolved sexual tension stuff.
• Oh, Homeland Security. You’ve offered so much to conspiracy theorists everywhere.
• Creepy Bald Black Guy (BBG) from “Lost” is already starting some shit by not giving the lead the respect (I assume) she deserves. This is feeling like Diet X-Files already.
• Oh, wait, it’s different from The X-Files because already there are more than seven people working at the FBI.
• BBG called Olivia “honey”. That means we’re not supposed to like him.
• “You said you loved me in the motel”. They’re getting this mushy already? $20 says Boston Legal Brad ends up dead by the end of the episode.
• The production value on Abrams’ shows is so good, even snow on pavement looks ominous.
• Of course there would be a maze at the warehouse. For chases and stuff.
• Yup, there goes Brad all exploding. And we’re only 13 minutes in. Abrams runs a tight ship.
• “Agent Scott was exposed to some synthetic chemical compounds.” If it involves an alien black oil, I won’t be tuning in next week.
• “FRINGE WILL RETURN IN SIXTY SECONDS”. Wow, even the commercial breaks are dramatic. That’s not even enough time for a bathroom break!
ACT TWO
• BBG is so obviously sinister, so needlessly argumentative towards the heroine, that it can only mean he’s one of the Good Guys. Just like Assistant Director Skinner on “The X-Files”.
• I’m not a fan of the huge SuperText geography markers. Is this show being told from inside a GPS?
• Olivia thinks Joshua Jackson “sounds like a massive pain in the ass.” Most of the industry must agree, since he hasn’t been seen or heard since “Dawson’s Creek”.
• Joshua is the second guy to call Olivia “honey” in 20 minutes. You think the writers want us to understand how tough it is to be a woman in the FBI?
• Is it just me, or is Michael Giaccino cribbing some of his favorite musical instruments from “Lost”? This score is going to get kind of intrusive.
• “Your friend’s life…is not going to be saved by a tube of toothpaste.” If it’s good enough for MacGyver…
• Olivia says fertility is a pseudoscience. Sex Ed class lied to me.
• When Dr. Bishop turned around in his cell I couldn’t help but expect a Hannibal Lecter joke.
• “Butterscotch pudding on Mondays” has to be a coded message for something, right? Clarice Starling could’ve cracked it in five minutes.
• Okay, Dr. Bishop is starting to weigh this show down. Kick his croaky, bearded ass and just get the info you need.
• Olivia has three expressions, and they all seem to be variations on irritation.
• A new James Bond commercial. Man, that movie looks cool.
• Samuel L. Jackson does “Training Day” in the suburbs. “King Kong ain’t got shit on me!” has been replaced with “I’m the po-lice! You have to do what I say!”
ACT THREE
• Jesus, everybody on this show looks so dour. Drop some humor in this thing fast.
• “I just pissed myself…just a squirt.” I guess that passes as a funny line. Almost.
• Does no one screen the institutionalized psychopaths from stepping into science labs and running bizarre experiments?
• Crazy guy wants his lab back? Sure, why not?
ACT FOUR
• Oooh, the old “I have your government file” bluff. She’s good.
• “His brain will no longer be able to oxygenize itself.” Stop him before he votes for John McCain!
• This crazy guy just wants an excuse to stick something in her neck and get her wet and naked. Points for originality.
• “Excellent. Let’s make some LSD.” Only on FOX, kids.
• Who is this no-neck agent in the long coat? I can already tell he’s going to be a buzzkill.
• Ten minutes to the end of the episode and we get the obligatory near-nude scene. Damn you for toying with me, JJ!
• Olivia kind of looks like a more attractive version of Cate Blanchett. She’s also unfortunately pretty non-dynamic for a series lead. Jennifer Garner and Evangeline Lilly this is not.
ACT FIVE
• Olivia is now a pre-cog!
• Nice product placement, Dell. I now know where to turn for all my consciousness-invading needs.
• Wow, this is a well-produced show. Look at all the dreamland, metaphysical stuff.
• So I guess the overarching quest of this show is that she tries to save her partner? Dull.
• I wonder how well this consciousness-linking eyewitness bullshit would hold up in court. This isn’t exactly admissible evidence.
• A commercial for Spike Lee’s latest masturbatory cinematic overture. I can’t wait. He hasn’t made a good movie since “Malcolm X”.
ACT SIX
• What? Is this a two-hour pilot? Shit, man, I gots things to do!
• His name is Richard Steeg? He already sounds like an asshole, sight unseen.
• Oh, great. Cancer. This better not be an important plot point. I’m sick of it already.
• That robot arm looks so phony.
• Conspiracies within conspiracies. I sure hope this isn’t yet another puzzle show that loses its way after a couple seasons. But knowing JJ Abrams, it probably is.
ACT SEVEN
• Why do most of the dialogue scenes in this show feel really turgid?
• And why is Joshua Jackson invested enough in this mystery to chase the prime suspect himself? He’s not FBI. His partner wasn’t infected. He’s not sleeping with the lead. What does he care?
• This is a good chase scene, though. This story needed a shot in the arm anyway.
• Interrogations? You mean they actually follow police procedure on this show? I’ll bet that won’t last beyond three episodes.
• Oh, nice. Now they’re playing good cop, lame cop.
• Joshua, just shut up for a second and trust the crazy scientist. He was right about the consciousness-invasion thing, after all.
• See? BBG is softening up already. Maybe he’s just getting ready to stab her in the back.
• BBG is apparently solely interested in babbling exposition, or ideas for future episodes. “Come work for me. Come work for The X-Fi…I mean, for the Fringe studies.”
• “I just want to go back to before,” Olivia says. Doesn’t she know she’s the hero? Her life is fucked from here on out. That’s how it goes.
ACT EIGHT
• It seems Olivia’s attractiveness really depends a lot on the kind of lighting she’s standing in.
• “I was threatened by a guy in your office.” I almost expected the “X-Files” theme to play here. Trust No One.
• Whoa, the partner was in on it? But he’s so honest-looking and square-jawed and All-American. Okay, so I didn’t see that one coming. But didn’t this guy just get out of a coma? Already he’s smothering suspects? What’s happening? JJ, you are a confusing bastard.
• Is it a problem that this is maybe the second exciting thing that’s happened in this episode?
ACT NINE
• Come on. Jack Bauer could end this car chase in two minutes or less.
• Does every network channel just allow JJ whatever budget he wants? Is he becoming the Peter Jackson of network TV?
• Stupid move. Those SUVs are known for their high roll-over potential.
• A well-played death. Good exit, Brad.
• “One breath of the wrong air can incinerate you from the inside out…We’re not fully briefed on half the things we’re investigating…We’re obsolete.” Rest well, Americans.
• Joshua says he’s got to get the hell out of Boston. But we know he won’t. Why? Because he’s contracted as a lead actor.
• Nice that the “we can interrogate a corpse” angle comes back to involve Brad.
• I guess I’ll tune in next week. I guess. But my expectation is that Fox will cancel this one in seven episodes, or juggle it around time slots until it dies an unceremonious death.