Some Say it’s the moon me, I go for hot weather every time.
So the second/ third warm day of the summer has hit and with it the strange people have come out. Rather like radioactive decay it is painfully predictable. I have no real idea why, I have a few thoughts on the matter but they generally rely on the existence, insanity and malice of some omnipotent or just extremely powerful entity who has some wish to make my life interesting.
Either way so far today three of our regular “special people” have wandered in to cause mayhem and happiness. The first is a delightful ex care in the community model. One careless Government after another have allowed her to meander the streets of London and other large cities spitting out a heady mixture of bile and hatred. All of which are nicely wrapped in a bundle of honking uncleanliness. Let us call her Suzy, no reason just a name that came to mind. Suzy pitched up at 11.17 this morning and moved like some predatory land animal towards the reception area.
Approximately 33 seconds later the panic alarm flares and my renta bod for the day - alas my usual crew are away either training or on holiday - raises his head like some creature from prehistory his nervous system isn’t entirely connected in a logical fashion. At least not logical for modern bipeds. In the reception we have three rather nice young ladies who deal with most things, but Suzy is “special”. Either way, by the time I get upstairs, the panic pager has gone off too - nice to see the radio loops are working - around 1 minute later. Suzy is in full flow and phlegm and obscenities are ranging wildly across the room. The three receptionist are somewhat corralled in the corner and renta bod is basically doing jack. Well to be fair to him he is now looking up at the cause of the sound that is stimulating his primordial acoustic membranes. He gulps slowly, blinking his eyes to stop them from popping out due to increased cranial pressure and slowly reaches for his mister - if his skin dries out then there is all hell to pay.
Suzy sees me, I see Suzy. Suzy tells me to “F!!!k off you C!!!t”, as you may have guessed we’ve met before. She obviously only knows my good points. Suzy lunges as usual for the pens on the desk in front of her, grabbing a couple of throwaway biros. She is somewhat drawn to stationery, I’m not sure why. Before heading for the door muttering to herself, turning every now and then screaming incoherent gibberish of a vaguely harsh, short worded nature. She’s out and I reset the panic buttons. Wander over to renta bod and ask in the mildest manner possible if he thought that perhaps he should have done something.
You can see slowly the functions of early fore brains straining at the effort of a question. He mists himself as the extra exertion kicks his metabolism into overdrive and his internal body temperature starts to rise. Slowly like the ascent of a particularly unloved piece of flotsam something is forming. Nascent thought begins a complex fractal unfurling in a three-dimensional holographic manner. “Errrrr,” pauses for contemplation, “what?”. I prod gently now aware I may do some lasting damage to this most fragile of entities. “The woman?” offered like some supplicant to a first seen fire in the dark pasts of bipeds. Coaxed quietly, tenderly looking for some spark of cohesive thought. “She was shouting, wasn’t sure what to do.”
I give in, I look at him and suggest he better mist himself down, he’s going now. He looks confused. I tell him to head back to his control room, he has no place here. He mutters, and slowly packs his oddments before getting the hell of my site. I worry briefly that under the harsh midday glare he might blister and peel then notice his hooded garments (really he’s wearing a hoody and its 28 degrees, the guy must be a reptile) as he heads of disconsolate on not being paid out of my budget.
Options two and three hove in and are moved on, it’s getting warmer, my patience thinner and the day longer. When Friday comes I may not be here, I may well have gone to join the special people… “20p for a cuppa mate?”