A Letter That Will Never Be Mailed (NFB)
[Private correspondence, as much as it can be considered correspondence if it's never mailed. NFB. Warning: angst, with a capital 'emo'.]
Dear Will -
I'm writing you, even though I know you'll never see this letter, because I don't know who else to write. And now that I've set pen to paper, I can't even think of what to say. To tell you that this has been the strangest five-month of my life would be such understatement that it makes me laugh even to write the words. Or would, if I had any laughter left in me.
When I first came to this town, I thought it a wondrous place. Full of mystery and the most amazing people. It is still wondrous, still amazing, but I can see now that it's like a Siren, it masks it's darkness with shallow prettiness until you've come too close to escape.
I made some dear friends here, some of whom reminded me so much of our little group. It made me miss all of you again, but it made the adjustment easier as well, more familiar. Shane -- my first dearest friend, was like a sister to me. We told each other everything -- I've never in my life had someone with whom I could share secrets the way I could with Shane. You would have loved her -- she was so much like you, fierce and loyal and never backed down from anything.
And Tara. Shane's love. (Things are different here, Will. Open. Accepting.) I didn't get to know Tara the way I did Shane, but I think Time was my enemy in that case. Tara was a beautiful soul -- the perfect counterpoint to Shane, I think -- gentle-hearted and so generous. She was teaching me to cook, if you can believe it. She was a witch, and I know what that makes you think, but it isn't like that. She's not some cursed hag who bespells your crops or makes deals with the Devil. (It's fools of poets who do that.) Tara was the kindly fae princess who brought healing to the fallen knight.
And Kate, who I hardly had time to know, but who was so much like our Kate. A woman of the guard, and she had struggles the way our Kate did, the way you did, against the men who couldn't see past what she was to appreciate what she could be. She had a sort of quiet strength, and matched with Shane and Tara they must have been a force to be reckoned with!
My three ladies, who took me under their wings and let me be brother to them. But they're gone, vanished like the dew in the sun. I've had a letter each from Shane and Tara, which lets me know that they're well. But I don't know where they are, and I don't know how to get to them. And they're not with me now, and my selfish heart holds hatred for Fate who took them away.
I had another lady too, a lady-love named Paige, but I pushed her away and she was lost as well. It was the right thing to do, I still believe that. But it doesn't hurt less to know, and I caused her pain -- caused myself pain, and that pain is healing still.
And lest you think that my losses have only been among the fairer sex, I'll tell you of three brothers who were my friends -- and one my friend and something more. Kadaj I didin't know well, I'm not certain anyone does. Yazoo was an enigma as well, until near the end. He had a hidden love of learning I discovered too late. We made plans to talk together -- I teach here, if you can imagine, and I was to teach him the lessons I gave my students. I think we could have been real friends, if we'd had the chance.
I take a moment's pause here, Will, because my words are caught between my heart and my pen. I lost another, when the brothers left -- and yes, they left, as Shane and Tara and Kate did leave. Another something like you. Loz was fierce, like Shane, but hardended. Darker. Colder. Our first meeting ended in violence. But he had a poet's soul that he kept hidden behind a wall that I don't think anyone will ever truly breach. I don't know that I would ever have really come to know him, the way you get to know a person you care deeply about. But the fact that he let me in at all -- part of my soul died when he left, Will.
And yet I thought I would still carry on. Because the loss of Loz seemed to be softened by the gain of yet another new friend. I don't know that you would have liked Greg very much -- I think that you and he would have battled from the moment you met -- two more hard-headed stubborn cusses I don't think I've ever known. If there's ever been anyone as little like me as Loz was, it was Greg. He was cynical and reclusive and fascinating. And his soul carries a darkness that I can well understand. He had a wit like a blade, and he wasn't afraid to use it either. And yet he could be so reluctantly comforting. As if there was a gentleness that he wanted so badly to refute. We would drink and laugh and tell stories and I would forget all of my troubles for that short while. But he had a bond, and it pulled him away. And while I can most easily undersstand how little choice he had in going, still -- I have a pain in my heart that I know I will live with forever.
There are pieces of me out in the world now, Will. And they have names -- Greg. Loz. Tara. Shane. Will. I think I will never be whole again.
Maybe this is my damnation.
Dear Will -
I'm writing you, even though I know you'll never see this letter, because I don't know who else to write. And now that I've set pen to paper, I can't even think of what to say. To tell you that this has been the strangest five-month of my life would be such understatement that it makes me laugh even to write the words. Or would, if I had any laughter left in me.
When I first came to this town, I thought it a wondrous place. Full of mystery and the most amazing people. It is still wondrous, still amazing, but I can see now that it's like a Siren, it masks it's darkness with shallow prettiness until you've come too close to escape.
I made some dear friends here, some of whom reminded me so much of our little group. It made me miss all of you again, but it made the adjustment easier as well, more familiar. Shane -- my first dearest friend, was like a sister to me. We told each other everything -- I've never in my life had someone with whom I could share secrets the way I could with Shane. You would have loved her -- she was so much like you, fierce and loyal and never backed down from anything.
And Tara. Shane's love. (Things are different here, Will. Open. Accepting.) I didn't get to know Tara the way I did Shane, but I think Time was my enemy in that case. Tara was a beautiful soul -- the perfect counterpoint to Shane, I think -- gentle-hearted and so generous. She was teaching me to cook, if you can believe it. She was a witch, and I know what that makes you think, but it isn't like that. She's not some cursed hag who bespells your crops or makes deals with the Devil. (It's fools of poets who do that.) Tara was the kindly fae princess who brought healing to the fallen knight.
And Kate, who I hardly had time to know, but who was so much like our Kate. A woman of the guard, and she had struggles the way our Kate did, the way you did, against the men who couldn't see past what she was to appreciate what she could be. She had a sort of quiet strength, and matched with Shane and Tara they must have been a force to be reckoned with!
My three ladies, who took me under their wings and let me be brother to them. But they're gone, vanished like the dew in the sun. I've had a letter each from Shane and Tara, which lets me know that they're well. But I don't know where they are, and I don't know how to get to them. And they're not with me now, and my selfish heart holds hatred for Fate who took them away.
I had another lady too, a lady-love named Paige, but I pushed her away and she was lost as well. It was the right thing to do, I still believe that. But it doesn't hurt less to know, and I caused her pain -- caused myself pain, and that pain is healing still.
And lest you think that my losses have only been among the fairer sex, I'll tell you of three brothers who were my friends -- and one my friend and something more. Kadaj I didin't know well, I'm not certain anyone does. Yazoo was an enigma as well, until near the end. He had a hidden love of learning I discovered too late. We made plans to talk together -- I teach here, if you can imagine, and I was to teach him the lessons I gave my students. I think we could have been real friends, if we'd had the chance.
I take a moment's pause here, Will, because my words are caught between my heart and my pen. I lost another, when the brothers left -- and yes, they left, as Shane and Tara and Kate did leave. Another something like you. Loz was fierce, like Shane, but hardended. Darker. Colder. Our first meeting ended in violence. But he had a poet's soul that he kept hidden behind a wall that I don't think anyone will ever truly breach. I don't know that I would ever have really come to know him, the way you get to know a person you care deeply about. But the fact that he let me in at all -- part of my soul died when he left, Will.
And yet I thought I would still carry on. Because the loss of Loz seemed to be softened by the gain of yet another new friend. I don't know that you would have liked Greg very much -- I think that you and he would have battled from the moment you met -- two more hard-headed stubborn cusses I don't think I've ever known. If there's ever been anyone as little like me as Loz was, it was Greg. He was cynical and reclusive and fascinating. And his soul carries a darkness that I can well understand. He had a wit like a blade, and he wasn't afraid to use it either. And yet he could be so reluctantly comforting. As if there was a gentleness that he wanted so badly to refute. We would drink and laugh and tell stories and I would forget all of my troubles for that short while. But he had a bond, and it pulled him away. And while I can most easily undersstand how little choice he had in going, still -- I have a pain in my heart that I know I will live with forever.
There are pieces of me out in the world now, Will. And they have names -- Greg. Loz. Tara. Shane. Will. I think I will never be whole again.
Maybe this is my damnation.