(no subject)
I had a dream last night. A dream I still remember. A nightmare so lucid and so frightening that I'm still shaking. I don't know what induced it. Could be recent events or my choice in television of late, or it could even be that I'm not really in a cottage in a picturesque little hamlet in Maine, but in Hell, reliving over and over...
It was the first thing I noticed -- the extreme cold. Icy stainless steel was my bed, and a light, coarse cotton sheet my blanket that covered me completely from head to toe. I was so cold that I couldn't move. Couldn't wiggle a finger, couldn't even open my eyes. Couldn't even feel myself breathe. I even tried to scream, but that, too, was impossible.
I lay there for the longest time, as if in Limbo, or a place much more hellish. The nothingness was overwhelming, and even if the cold hadn't paralyzed me, the void I was in would have.
After a while I heard voices, murmuring, muffled, coming closer. Three men, I thought, two sounding rather familiar. Again, I tried to scream, for the help that seemed so close, and again, there was nothing. I could do naught but listen.
"He's right here, gentleman. I'll be right outside when you're finished. Again, my condolences..."
"Thank you, doctor. We won't be long." Fitz? Oh, God, Fitz! I'm here! You came for me! Please... please help me... Take me home, Sweets...
The sound of retreating footsteps and the metallic click of a closing door.
"Aw, God... Siggy, I'm not sure I can. I mean, I know I gotta, but I don't wanna see him dead. Not again." Kyle? Buddy? In here! Come on, you big dumb son of a bitch, get me out of here!
"I can't bear it either, Kyle David, but... His cremation is scheduled an hour from now, and we... we both... need one last goodbye. We'll support each other through this, just as we've been doing for the last month. Are you ready?" His what? Cremation? What the fuck...?
"No, but then again, I never would be. Bring him on out, Siggy." Yes! Thank you, Kyle, thank you... Get me out and take me home to Fitz.
The sound of a latch opening and the creak of hinges. The sensation of rolling on metal casters... But still so cold. So very, very cold. A single sob from Kyle, soothed by my sweet Fitz.
"Shhh... Kyle David..." A sigh, and then, "I'll give you a few minutes alone with him, then I'll be back for my turn." What? Alone? Jesus... What the hell was going on? I tried to move, to yell, anything!
Retreating footsteps again, and then the sensation of the coarse cotton sheet being drawn away from my face.
He was sobbing now. I could feel the warmth of his tears hit my face, but they turned to droplets of ice as soon as they met with my flesh. They bounced off and rattled onto the cold stainless beneath me.
His hand touched my cheek, tentatively, drawing back sharply when my flesh chilled his fingers. It soon returned, stroking along my jaw and over my lips. He sniffed, getting himself under control.
"Gabe, I um... Your hubby gave me a few minutes with you. I guess this really is goodbye now, buddy. I can't deny it anymore, seein' you laid out on this slab, all naked and... and cold and dead." His fingers pressed down on my carotid artery, checking for a pulse. His breath hitched again when none could be found, and his fingers resumed their stroking of my face. "Twenty-six years, buddy... Over half of our lives together, and now it's over. I'm gonna miss you so goddamn much. We're all gonna miss you. The great and powerful Geoffrey Evans... The ulitimate alpha male. Wasn't nothin' you couldn't do, man, and you fuckin' did it all - except beat death. I figured after all the times you cheated it before, you could do it again this time, but you... we lost, man. Your bro always said you'd go before me, and I guess he was right. And I got a feelin' I won't be far behind you. I don't think I could live without you harassin' me every day and tippin' back a beer after a show, or spendin' hours fishin' and never catchin' a thing but a good buzz while we talked. Good time, buddy, good times. Never forget, okay? I sure as hell won't. I um... I should let him get back in here so he can say goodbye too. He loves you so much. Almost as much as I do, but in a different way."
His hand cupped my cheek, and I felt warm lips press down on my forehead. They lingered there while his tears continued to fall. Kyle, no... Don't go. Don't leave me, not ever! You're my best friend in the whole world, man! My partner...
"Never forget, Gabe, no matter where you go, that I love you. Always have, always will." The lips moved to mine, brushing over them. It tingled, spreading through my frozen body.
The sheet was drawn up over my face again, and the sound of footsteps going, and then coming.
My sweet Fitz didn't draw back the sheet right away, but he found my hand under it and took it into his own. I listened to him cry for a while as he slipped a ring, smooth and warm, onto the third finger of my right hand.
"It was to be my anniversary gift to you, Ben. Our first year. My husband. I never dreamed my life would end so soon, but I died when you did. You breathed your last and my heart stopped in that same instant."
He moved around to the other side of me, taking my left hand in his. He removed the ring on the third finger of my left hand and placed it on my chest, then removed the ring from the third finger of his left hand and placed it next to my ring.
"With these rings we wed, husband. It was the happiest day of my life, and you've often said that it was for you, too." His hand covered the rings, pressing them over my still heart. "I removed them... And I'll replace them, but you'll wear mine, taking it with you into the everafter, and I'll wear yours. I'll see it on my finger and remember how every morning after we made love, I'd bring your hand to my lips and kiss that ring, and you'd do the same to me, and we'd make our vow of love and committment all over again. Our ritual, and one I'll continue, my love."
I was sobbing by then, although my cold, dead body gave no indication. Over and over again I tried to call out his name, to tell him that I loved him and that I'd never leave him. Yet the only sound that could be heard in the room was the hum of the refrigeration units and his soft breathing, catching in his throat far too often. The ring - his ring - was placed on my finger, and one last time he brought it to his lips and kissed it. He then drew the sheet from my face and kissed my lips. I could taste the sweetness of his mouth and the salt of his tears, and I fought to return that kiss, so bittersweet.
"I love you, Ben. You'll never know just how much. You made... made me so happy..."
The sheet was once again placed over me, and the man who had entered with Fitz and Kyle returned to slide me back into... Oh God, to slide me back into my own personal space in the morgue.
That was when I woke, shaking and perspiring, still feeling the chill of the steel and tasting the salty-sweet taste of my husband on my lips.
I lay there for the longest time, thinking of that goddamn nightmare, and the more I thought, the more things escaped my memory.
Ben was able to see, and looked down at the ring on his left hand as if noticing it for the first time. Trembling, he removed it to check for an inscription. He saw some etching on the inside of the band, and took a closer look. The ring fell from his nerveless fingers to bounce off the bed and roll onto the floor, disappearing under the dresser.
"Oh God... Nooooo....."
It was the first thing I noticed -- the extreme cold. Icy stainless steel was my bed, and a light, coarse cotton sheet my blanket that covered me completely from head to toe. I was so cold that I couldn't move. Couldn't wiggle a finger, couldn't even open my eyes. Couldn't even feel myself breathe. I even tried to scream, but that, too, was impossible.
I lay there for the longest time, as if in Limbo, or a place much more hellish. The nothingness was overwhelming, and even if the cold hadn't paralyzed me, the void I was in would have.
After a while I heard voices, murmuring, muffled, coming closer. Three men, I thought, two sounding rather familiar. Again, I tried to scream, for the help that seemed so close, and again, there was nothing. I could do naught but listen.
"He's right here, gentleman. I'll be right outside when you're finished. Again, my condolences..."
"Thank you, doctor. We won't be long." Fitz? Oh, God, Fitz! I'm here! You came for me! Please... please help me... Take me home, Sweets...
The sound of retreating footsteps and the metallic click of a closing door.
"Aw, God... Siggy, I'm not sure I can. I mean, I know I gotta, but I don't wanna see him dead. Not again." Kyle? Buddy? In here! Come on, you big dumb son of a bitch, get me out of here!
"I can't bear it either, Kyle David, but... His cremation is scheduled an hour from now, and we... we both... need one last goodbye. We'll support each other through this, just as we've been doing for the last month. Are you ready?" His what? Cremation? What the fuck...?
"No, but then again, I never would be. Bring him on out, Siggy." Yes! Thank you, Kyle, thank you... Get me out and take me home to Fitz.
The sound of a latch opening and the creak of hinges. The sensation of rolling on metal casters... But still so cold. So very, very cold. A single sob from Kyle, soothed by my sweet Fitz.
"Shhh... Kyle David..." A sigh, and then, "I'll give you a few minutes alone with him, then I'll be back for my turn." What? Alone? Jesus... What the hell was going on? I tried to move, to yell, anything!
Retreating footsteps again, and then the sensation of the coarse cotton sheet being drawn away from my face.
He was sobbing now. I could feel the warmth of his tears hit my face, but they turned to droplets of ice as soon as they met with my flesh. They bounced off and rattled onto the cold stainless beneath me.
His hand touched my cheek, tentatively, drawing back sharply when my flesh chilled his fingers. It soon returned, stroking along my jaw and over my lips. He sniffed, getting himself under control.
"Gabe, I um... Your hubby gave me a few minutes with you. I guess this really is goodbye now, buddy. I can't deny it anymore, seein' you laid out on this slab, all naked and... and cold and dead." His fingers pressed down on my carotid artery, checking for a pulse. His breath hitched again when none could be found, and his fingers resumed their stroking of my face. "Twenty-six years, buddy... Over half of our lives together, and now it's over. I'm gonna miss you so goddamn much. We're all gonna miss you. The great and powerful Geoffrey Evans... The ulitimate alpha male. Wasn't nothin' you couldn't do, man, and you fuckin' did it all - except beat death. I figured after all the times you cheated it before, you could do it again this time, but you... we lost, man. Your bro always said you'd go before me, and I guess he was right. And I got a feelin' I won't be far behind you. I don't think I could live without you harassin' me every day and tippin' back a beer after a show, or spendin' hours fishin' and never catchin' a thing but a good buzz while we talked. Good time, buddy, good times. Never forget, okay? I sure as hell won't. I um... I should let him get back in here so he can say goodbye too. He loves you so much. Almost as much as I do, but in a different way."
His hand cupped my cheek, and I felt warm lips press down on my forehead. They lingered there while his tears continued to fall. Kyle, no... Don't go. Don't leave me, not ever! You're my best friend in the whole world, man! My partner...
"Never forget, Gabe, no matter where you go, that I love you. Always have, always will." The lips moved to mine, brushing over them. It tingled, spreading through my frozen body.
The sheet was drawn up over my face again, and the sound of footsteps going, and then coming.
My sweet Fitz didn't draw back the sheet right away, but he found my hand under it and took it into his own. I listened to him cry for a while as he slipped a ring, smooth and warm, onto the third finger of my right hand.
"It was to be my anniversary gift to you, Ben. Our first year. My husband. I never dreamed my life would end so soon, but I died when you did. You breathed your last and my heart stopped in that same instant."
He moved around to the other side of me, taking my left hand in his. He removed the ring on the third finger of my left hand and placed it on my chest, then removed the ring from the third finger of his left hand and placed it next to my ring.
"With these rings we wed, husband. It was the happiest day of my life, and you've often said that it was for you, too." His hand covered the rings, pressing them over my still heart. "I removed them... And I'll replace them, but you'll wear mine, taking it with you into the everafter, and I'll wear yours. I'll see it on my finger and remember how every morning after we made love, I'd bring your hand to my lips and kiss that ring, and you'd do the same to me, and we'd make our vow of love and committment all over again. Our ritual, and one I'll continue, my love."
I was sobbing by then, although my cold, dead body gave no indication. Over and over again I tried to call out his name, to tell him that I loved him and that I'd never leave him. Yet the only sound that could be heard in the room was the hum of the refrigeration units and his soft breathing, catching in his throat far too often. The ring - his ring - was placed on my finger, and one last time he brought it to his lips and kissed it. He then drew the sheet from my face and kissed my lips. I could taste the sweetness of his mouth and the salt of his tears, and I fought to return that kiss, so bittersweet.
"I love you, Ben. You'll never know just how much. You made... made me so happy..."
The sheet was once again placed over me, and the man who had entered with Fitz and Kyle returned to slide me back into... Oh God, to slide me back into my own personal space in the morgue.
That was when I woke, shaking and perspiring, still feeling the chill of the steel and tasting the salty-sweet taste of my husband on my lips.
I lay there for the longest time, thinking of that goddamn nightmare, and the more I thought, the more things escaped my memory.
Ben was able to see, and looked down at the ring on his left hand as if noticing it for the first time. Trembling, he removed it to check for an inscription. He saw some etching on the inside of the band, and took a closer look. The ring fell from his nerveless fingers to bounce off the bed and roll onto the floor, disappearing under the dresser.
"Oh God... Nooooo....."