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Read this only if you really want to hear a bitchy emo rant…
I am slowly driving myself insane. I hate being me sometimes. I get to the point where I hate everything about myself... where I sicken myself. I can’t stand how I act and handle things... how I look how I feel anything. I don’t know I can’t explain it well. I dunno I just look around and it is like. Screw up here whine to friends there. So many great people in my life many of them with real problems and I go whining to them every time I get a little upset. It isn't fair to them. I just can’t stand myself sometimes.
The neurotic doesn't know how to cope with his emotional bills; some he keeps paying over and over, others he never pays at all. ~Mignon McLaughlin, the Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
At the beginning of a love affair, not even the neurotic is neurotic. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
Heh that last one is especially true. I use to say that I feared losing the people close to me was my greatest fear. And I do fear that but it is truly my 2nd fear. My first is a much more personal one… of losing the person who I care about more than anyone… I’m terrified of losing Josh. And more and more it feels like I am losing him as not only a boyfriend but as a friend. I seem to be the only one that wants a relationship of any kind. But if he isn’t happy with me… I just wish he would say that… and I could step back knowing that me not seeing him helped him that he felt better then. I just I don’t know… I hate this. I’m sorry guys, if you read this…