(no subject)
courtesy of Sadler's MSN name:
"If Chuck Norris knew what was going on, he'd roundhouse the shit out of the USC"
Reasons Why Chuck Norris is AWESOME.
- Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to
punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
- When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or
dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon,
since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes
it to Oregon before you.
- Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We
know this beverage as Red Bull.
- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
- Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*** with Chuck!" Two
years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed
so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized,
Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil,
who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it
coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
- The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more
than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris
as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could
turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however,
so it was divided.
- Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
- To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer
only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance
Armstrong.
- A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did
not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
- Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every
popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just
because he's Chuck Norris.
- One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did
not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck
Norris.
- Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the
director explained that he can't do that, he replied, "of course I
can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face
- If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at
the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris puts the m's on m&ms.
- when his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck
Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays
zombie.
- It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the
light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
- Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest
substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a
roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and
pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.
- Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he
pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow
up upon impact.
- New Yearšs eve 1998, Chuck Norris was at a party, when the clock
struck twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse
>kicked everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick
everyone on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this
ever since.
- Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.
- A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for
this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.
- Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from
outer space by the naked eye.
- Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
- Chuck Norris goes to the
toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.
- Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
- Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
- Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting
with water.
- There are in fact 31 letters of the English alphabet however only
Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
- Chuck Norris has no concept of time; if you go to his house you
won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's
getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
- If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct
species list.
- Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
- Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
- Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
- If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick
your a$s and take your dollar.
- When Chuck Norris’ wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He
came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came
with cranberry sauce.
- When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
- We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire
cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it
- Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a total gym.
- Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.
- Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero
- Chuck Norris caught all 386 Pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He
says he won't trade any of them for anything.
- If superman and the flash were to race to the edge of space you know
who would win: Chuck Norris.
- Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
- Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them
out transformed into a robot.
- In one episode of fresh prince of bel air, Chuck Norris replaced
Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
- Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the
Special Olympics.
- Chuck Norris is where babies come from.
- Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him
win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker,
a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and
a green #4 card from the game uno.
- Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.
- Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and
roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass,
don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he
likes your hat.
- Chuck Norris consumes 87 cans of
mayonnaise in a week.
- Chuck Norris invented water.
- Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked
him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a total gym.
- Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked
to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough withinan hour an a half
someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank
it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled
over the roar of the flames, 'always leave things the way you found
em!'"
- One time while sparring with wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally
lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very
day by its technical term: Jupiter.
- Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell
a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.
- Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed
octopus of eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on
earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences
the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness
of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a
car windshield.
- Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.
"If Chuck Norris knew what was going on, he'd roundhouse the shit out of the USC"
Reasons Why Chuck Norris is AWESOME.
- Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to
punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
- When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or
dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon,
since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes
it to Oregon before you.
- Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We
know this beverage as Red Bull.
- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
- Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*** with Chuck!" Two
years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed
so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized,
Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil,
who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it
coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
- The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more
than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris
as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could
turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however,
so it was divided.
- Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
- To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer
only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance
Armstrong.
- A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did
not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
- Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every
popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just
because he's Chuck Norris.
- One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did
not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck
Norris.
- Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the
director explained that he can't do that, he replied, "of course I
can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face
- If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at
the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris puts the m's on m&ms.
- when his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck
Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays
zombie.
- It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the
light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
- Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest
substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a
roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and
pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.
- Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he
pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow
up upon impact.
- New Yearšs eve 1998, Chuck Norris was at a party, when the clock
struck twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse
>kicked everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick
everyone on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this
ever since.
- Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.
- A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for
this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.
- Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from
outer space by the naked eye.
- Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
- Chuck Norris goes to the
toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.
- Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
- Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
- Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting
with water.
- There are in fact 31 letters of the English alphabet however only
Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
- Chuck Norris has no concept of time; if you go to his house you
won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's
getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
- If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct
species list.
- Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
- Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
- Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
- If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick
your a$s and take your dollar.
- When Chuck Norris’ wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He
came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came
with cranberry sauce.
- When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
- We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire
cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it
- Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a total gym.
- Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.
- Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero
- Chuck Norris caught all 386 Pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He
says he won't trade any of them for anything.
- If superman and the flash were to race to the edge of space you know
who would win: Chuck Norris.
- Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
- Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them
out transformed into a robot.
- In one episode of fresh prince of bel air, Chuck Norris replaced
Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
- Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the
Special Olympics.
- Chuck Norris is where babies come from.
- Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him
win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker,
a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and
a green #4 card from the game uno.
- Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.
- Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and
roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass,
don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he
likes your hat.
- Chuck Norris consumes 87 cans of
mayonnaise in a week.
- Chuck Norris invented water.
- Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked
him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a total gym.
- Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked
to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough withinan hour an a half
someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank
it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled
over the roar of the flames, 'always leave things the way you found
em!'"
- One time while sparring with wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally
lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very
day by its technical term: Jupiter.
- Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell
a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.
- Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed
octopus of eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on
earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences
the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness
of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a
car windshield.
- Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.