A-Z Challenge - B
Her hair grew thinner by the day as she was nothing but skin and bone. The second round of chemo had taken its toll on the former ADA. As much as she wanted to keep working, if only as a distraction, as a way to fight boredom and fear, her doctors wouldn’t let her. Leave alone Olivia. Liv had been more freaked out by the diagnosis than Alex herself. Breast cancer. A bad tumor.
Olivia was the one to notice the knot in her left lower breast first. Or so Alex let her think. She herself had felt it several times. Each time she took a shower. When she applied lotion onto her body. The rare occasions that she masturbated. However, Alex Cabot was too scared to have it checked out. She knew it was cancer. She felt it. She just didn’t want to have it examined and have the suspicion confirmed. And as long as there were no doctors, no diagnosis and no-one else who knew it wasn’t real. It was there but it didn’t change anything.
Now everything had changed. Alex spent her days at home because it was January and she lost her battle against the icy New York winter days each time. Four layers of clothing didn’t keep her warm enough and so she gave up. By now she knew every damn TV show. She distracted herself with cleaning even when there was nothing to clean. Afterwards she would be so exhausted that she’d fall asleep on the couch or in bed because her body gave out on her. So Alex hadlearned to give in.
And now that she had just arrived home after her third round of chemo therapy she lay in bed. Her eyes were swollen and red, dark bags under them. Her lips were dry and her throat burned from the gastric acid she had puked out. As she ran her hand through her blonde hair she noticed that much more than before of it was hanging between her fingers and that now it didn’t even hurt anymore when she pulled them out with such a slight move. She closed her eyes in despair. Soon there wouldn’t be anything left of the blonde locks that she liked and Olivia loved.
She had become a burden. There were days when she couldn’t get up in the morning because every move hurt. There were days where she couldn’t take the shower because the water was either too hot or just too cold - the temperature was never quite right. There were days when she would cry in self-pity, telling Olivia that she would die, for sure. And for weeks they haven’t had sex. When Alex turned her down whenever Liv tried to be just a little affectionate she always told the blonde she’d understand. And Alex was sure that Liv understood but that didn’t make it easier. After a short while Liv had stopped touching her, accept of kissing her hello and goodbye or taking her into her arms, rocking the blonde back and forth carefully until her tears would subside. So instead of touching Alex or letting Alex touch her Olivia started to touch herself when she thought Alex was asleep, whispering her lovers name as she was close to climax.
Olivia would leave sooner or later, she thought. She wouldn’t be able to take Alex’ whining, the rejection, the change in her body and character. But that night Olivia came home once again. Alex heard the front door close and then her girlfriend’s voice floated into the room. “Al, you in bed?”
Alex smiled to herself. It always was her first question when she didn't find Alex on the living room couch. “Yeah.”, Alex said, her voice weaker than Olivia remembered it from the morning. The brunette took a breather and walked to the bedroom, leaning against the doorframe as Alex’s eyes met her own.
“Oh God Liv! What the hell…?”, she asked. She could just stare. Gulp. “It kinda suits me, don’t ya think?”, she said with a smile plastered on her lips.
“Are you nuts? Are you some nutty-nut-girl who's nuts?”, Alex asked, covering her mouth with her hand, still shocked. There she stood. Her girlfriend of 15 months. Blue sweater, leather jacket and bald.
Olivia walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge. “No, but I found a lot of hair in the bathroom sink this morning and I just thought… we are in this together, Alex. You are the sick one but I’m part of this. And I wanna go through this with you - all the way. And if that means I have to shave my head - I do it. So yeah, I just did it and it’s fucking cold and I really miss my hair, and to be honest, I don’t really think it suits me all that much. But if you don’t have a choice, I don’t have one either.”, she said, reaching out for Alex’s hand who now had tears in her eyes.
“I love you”, Alex choked out.
“I love you, too.”
“And now let’s go and shave my head.”, the blonde said with a comfortable smile. Maybe losing her hair wasn’t all that bad, she thought.