(no subject)
i just wanted to say. life is hellish at the moment. charles and i are seperating, it was going ok....thought it was possible to move through all of this without a lot of harm, well, more harm than has already been done obviously.
He got pulled over yesterday and was arrested. and they also impounded our car because apparently the insurance lapsed. I dont know how since we have auto pay and Ive tried to not let that happen but somehow it did. anyway we have to turn in the plates for 30 days before we can legally drive the car again.
So now, I am sitting here unable to go to work, unable to take the kids to school, unable to do anything really. there arent sidewalks where we live, we arent close enough to take abus even if i was able to somehow get 3 kids on a bus....
And charles apparently had a warrant out for his arrest. FOR hitting me. over a year ago. i never pressed charges. apparently there is some sort of law that if a couple has a domestic spat and its reported, the police can sign a warrant and press charges for the state if they believe one party was guilty etc.
Well thats beyond fucked up in my opinion, i mean, i understand WHY thats the law and why they can do that, but i dont know why that happened in our case. Yes we had a fight, it was loud, i had a mark on my body, but I also know that we were fighting about things, and I was provoking him just as much as he was provoking me. Im not suffering from battered wife syndrome, I am not saying that it wasnt his fault because i love him, we are not even together, i am not saying its not his fault out of fear of losing his income or anything like that, because he hasnt even worked in over 2 months now. I am saying it because its the truth.
The messed up part is that I have no say at all in his trial. He is currently locked in a jail for 48 hours, and then he has to find someone to post his bail, and then he has to go to court. If they find him guilty, which they will, because there are photos and report from the police who came to our house, he will have that on his record, possibly go to jail longer, and not be able to rejoin the military as were his wishes. All because someone decided they thought he was the bad guy in a fight we had.
I am not the victim. I cant go on stand to drop charges, the state of north carolina is apparently the victim.
I am not even beginning to think about what to do about my job and the kids and the car being gone...because I cant beleive how insane they system is and how horrible the whole situation is. We have been going through seperation and dealing with issues with our children, Charles was falsely accused of doing some harm to one of the girls, and that brought on an entire 2 month long investigation by Child protective services....which really i can say with 100% honesty was far worse than the pain of seperating from my husband. Child protective services was invasive and insane and tore our family apart. the kids are still afraid everytime one of us walks out the door that we wont be coming back. its fucked up.
we have been through so much in the last 6 months.
Im living on my own income and nohting else, so i cant replace the car or even get a rental, dont have friends or family in this entire state. I am really trying just to remain positive and hopeful. I have been able to get through the entire past 6 months of hell by just having faith in myself and in the belief that things happen for a reason. I have made lemonade out of lemons so many times that i never want to hear someone utter that phrase again. But this final blow, seemingly for no good reason at all, with no possible good outcome that i can see...
I dont know how to handle it or how to begin to process it.
I am just hoping charles is ok, and Im hoping the girls can make it through this mess intact. I am trying to be a good mother and not show them im panicking. I am trying so hard.
Alice has had a fever for two days, i dont even have enough to pay a copay to take her to the doctor and i dont have the car now even if i wanted to. Gwen has been throwing a fit since 7 am this morning because she asked for cereal, didnt eat it, asked for yogurt, didnt eat, and then stole esmes juice and spilled it...
my sanity is unraveling.