Closed Doors - Chapter 10/10+
“Breathe your life into me, I still need you, I’m falling, falling faster”
Jensen wandered downstairs much later than the rest of the Padalecki and Ackles family members. His eyes were puffy from the lack of sleep and although it was Christmas Day he was severely lacking in festive cheer. He was frightened about seeing Jared, afraid of all the feelings that seeing him would create, but at the same time, Jensen was so desperate to see him again that he was fighting the almost overwhelming urge to yell out Jared’s name. Underneath all the crushing fear, Jensen wanted nothing more than to find him, hold him and never let him go.
What they had done the night before had been a mistake, there was no doubt about that. But it was not a mistake Jensen could bring himself to regret.
“Merry Christmas, Jensen, honey.” Jared’s mother looked up at him with a deep, bright smile and kissed his cheek like he was family already when he met her on the foot of the stairs.
“Merry Christmas,” he stammered, but he could barely meet her eyes when he remembered what he had done the night before. With her son.
“Your momma’s in the kitchen, sweetie.” She patted his cheek again, fondly, and Jensen felt guilty all over, felt like he was betraying her trust and even her love and he hoped she couldn’t see all that in his face. But she gave him a last smile and went down the hall.
As he wandered into the kitchen, Jensen found his mom singing along to the Bing Crosby song which was playing on a small portable radio as she poured a thick gloopy looking batter into the waffle iron. His mom looked perfectly cheerful and the room smelled gingerbread sweet, Jensen was almost tempted to leave without saying anything, not wanting his dark mood to cast a shadow over her happiness.
“Merry Christmas, honey.” Donna said, rushing forward to give Jensen a sloppy kiss on the cheek. “You’re looking a little pale sweetheart. You’re not coming down with the same thing Jared had last night are you?” Donna wiped her hands on her apron before pressing the back of one hand against Jensen’s forehead.
Jensen hurriedly side-stepped away from her touch, eyes focused on the kitchen countertop. He never did find it easy to hide things from his mom. “No, Mom. I’m okay, just tired. Have you seen Jared?”
“I think he’s in his room, I’ve not seen him this morning and he’s normally such an early riser. Sharon said she was going to go drag him out of bed because the girls are positively dying to start opening presents.”
“I’ll go wake him.” Jensen said quickly, turning to leave the kitchen.
“You know you can tell me anything, Jensen? Anything that’s troubling you, I’m here to listen and help if I can.” Donna said and the hopeful look on her face was almost enough to break Jensen’s heart all over again.
“I know, Mom,” Jensen replied and left the room before he ended up breaking down and telling her everything.
Jared wasn’t asleep, but then Jensen already knew he wouldn’t be sleeping. Instead, as Jensen pushed Jared’s bedroom door open and slowly slipped inside the darkened room, he found Jared lying on his bed, flat on his back, fully clothed and staring up at the ceiling. Jensen didn’t say anything. Instead, he walked straight over to the window and pulled back the curtains, letting the room flood with bright sunlight.
“You hiding up here or something?” Jensen finally asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed with his back almost touching one of Jared’s endlessly long denim-clad legs. He didn’t look at him, couldn’t just yet, too afraid of all the feelings it would set free.
“Maybe,” came the soft reply and it didn’t sound like the Jared Jensen knew, and loved. This Jared sounded lost and broken, just like Jensen felt himself, and right then he felt nauseous knowing that he was the one who had made Jared sound like that.
“It’s Christmas Day. You should come downstairs, and see your family. I don’t know how much longer the sisters are going to be able to go without ripping wrapping paper off of something.”
Jared chuckled and rolled onto his side and Jensen turned his head to finally meet his eyes. It was there, all there, everything he wanted, everything he couldn’t have.
Jensen stiffened when Jared put a hand on his back and the heat of his fingers burned through the thin fabric of Jensen’s shirt into his skin. “Do you regret it? What we did last night?”
“Not for one second.” Jensen said, speaking before his brain had the chance to process Jared’s question. “We shouldn’t have done it ... but I don’t regret it.” I can’t regret something that felt so good, so right.
Jared reached out and grabbed hold of Jensen’s wrist then, pulling him down so that they were lying pressed together side-by-side on the narrow bed. “Someone might come in,” Jensen said, his voice hoarse and pleading.
“If we go down there and they tell me I can’t have you ... at least let me have this, just for a little while ... please Jen?”
Jensen knew he couldn’t refuse. He gave up, not enough energy left in him to fight this. Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared and buried his face in the hollow of Jared’s neck and sighed when Jared’s large hand began stroking his hair.
“I don’t know how I’m going to handle it, if it turns out we can’t be together in the way I want us to be,” Jared mumbled softly.
Jensen kissed Jared’s neck once and then a second time, his soft, dry lips gliding across Jared’s stubbled jaw line. “I don’t know how I am supposed to live without this.” Jensen replied sadly. He knew that they needed to get up from the bed and go downstairs, but right at that moment, his only Christmas wish was to lock the door and hide away in Jared’s room forever.
***
But they did go down eventually. They didn’t share one last kiss. They didn’t do anything but hold each other, strong and sure, grasping at the illusion that nothing could tear them apart. There was nothing left to say, nothing left to do, but go down those stairs and face whatever they had to.
Opening up the presents passed by in a blur. It was one of Jared’s favorite parts about Christmas but this time he couldn’t even tell who gave him what. But then again, both families seemed nervous, restless and no one was really able to pay much attention.
The hours were ticking by slowly, and the air was charged with nervous energy, but they had promised to wait until Jeff and Josh and their own families had arrived.
To reveal the results. To unite two families.
Josh, Aly and the two boys arrived first, and they repeated the Christmas ritual and sat around the tree once more and gave them their presents.
The little white envelope was still lying innocently under the tree.
Jeff, his wife and the little baby arrived an hour later and Jared was about to burst out of his skin. He was calm on the outside, maybe even too much and his family would have noticed if they weren’t too preoccupied with their own nervousness. But Harley and Sadie weren’t leaving his side, shooting him questioning glances and growing even more nervous when Jensen was beside them, sensing, that something was wrong with him too.
Not that Jensen was leaving his side much today. It was the first time since they got here, that they stayed close, stayed together and tried not to keep out of each other’s space.
This was why they sat together on one of the sofas, their knees touching, when the families settled in the living room. Donna was standing next to Jared’s mother by the tree, the rest of the families had found their places around the room. Jeff’s wife had taken the kids and dogs upstairs, to give them a little room and to keep the children out of this moment.
It was intense. And Jared felt so much guilt when he looked at his father, excitement and fear in his face; knowing, that he had always wanted to find out if he had siblings. Jared knew what that would mean to him. Not just to discover to actually have a sister, but a sister he knew and called family long before a white piece of paper told him, it would make his dreams come true, give him his only wish for Christmas. And it would destroy a part of Jared he was afraid to find out how big.
“Okay, I’ll just ... do it then,” Donna said, an anxious smile on her face.
Jared glanced over to Jensen. His face said nothing, it was neutral, trained actor neutral, and maybe Jared could see that it was all fake because he was an actor too, or because he knew that it couldn’t be or just because it had always been that way between them.
Jared fought the urge to reach out for his hand, but he inched closer just a little, trying to take and offer support simply from being closer.
The whole set of two families looked up when Donna started to unfold the letter with shaking fingers. Holding the paper in her hands, her eyes started to flicker over it, her brows pulled into a frown.
“So many numbers,” she stated and then her eyes got huge and empty.
“We’re not related.” Her voice was low and weak and Jared’s eyes shot to his father while Donna was still speaking.
“The blood test is negative. We’re not related.”
The room was deathly silent. Jared could see the disappointment in his father’s face, the crashed hope, and that was when he realized it.
He drew in a sharp breath and his eyes fell on Jensen, couldn’t go anywhere else now, and Jensen was staring in shock at his mother, his lips parted, like he couldn’t believe it.
Slowly, so very slowly, he turned his head to Jared, sitting right next to him.
And Jared’s world narrowed down to just the two of them and then it ... stopped. Or it felt that way, because he couldn’t get his mind one step further than to the fact that the test was negative. Negative. Negative.
They were not related.
They could ... be together.
Jared closed his eyes, opened them once again and the scenery was still the same. Donna was still standing by the tree, he could see tears glistening in her eyes.
And.the.test.was.still.negative.
Jensen had his eyes closed, his hands clenched to fists. But it wasn’t because of anger or disapointment, they way it maybe looked to everybody else.
It was relief. And deep contentment. And the attempt to keep himself together, to keep the emotions hidden so deep in himself where nobody was able to find them.
But Jared could see all that, could feel all of it radiating off of Jensen. Like they were tuned to each other, both picking up on what the other one was feeling.
This time, Jared couldn’t hold back anymore, not entirely, had to have this one little thing; and leaning back on the couch and resting one leg on the other, it hid enough so he could sneak his hand into Jensen’s. And he intended to never let go.
***
The house had gone silent hours before. Jared was staring up at the ceiling although it was already too dark to see anything. But there was an idea in his head, a crazy, stupid thought he should have completely ignored. But it felt right. Possibly like the only right thing there was.
Not wanting to hesitate any longer, he got up and snuck out of his room, tiptoeing over to Jeff’s, where Jensen was staying. It was far away from the other rooms at the end of the hall, and Jared only trusted himself not to wake someone when he had reached the door.
He stopped, thinking suddenly about the right thing to do. He knocked, not too loud and then he waited patiently for an answer.
“Come in. The door is open.”
Jared went inside, shut the door and met Jensen’s eyes.
“Couldn’t sleep without me?” There was a smug grin on Jensen’s face, which turned into a bright, loving smile.
“Don’t want to,” Jared admitted, and without a second thought he took the final steps, both literally and metaphorically, and crawled under Jensen’s bedcover, snuggling himself into welcoming arms and comfortable heat.
“I’ve never felt as alone as I felt last night when I thought I couldn’t be with you. I never wanna feel like that again if I don’t have to,” he whispered against the other man’s temple. He wrapped himself around the shorter man and Jensen did nothing to push him away, instead, he let his fingers curl in Jared’s hair.
Jared couldn’t imagine ever being able to breathe without being loved by this man.
“You don’t have to,” was Jensen’s whispered answer and the words were still sinking in, making it more and more real.
“I’m a terrible person,” Jensen said after several minutes had passed and there was a serious note to his voice that made Jared listen closely.
“My momma cried, Jared. She stood there by the Christmas tree and cried and I didn’t do anything.”
Jared also started stroking slowly through Jensen’s hair, enjoyed the feeling of the soft strands against his fingertips. “You’re not terrible. And Josh hugged her, and Meg and Aly. And my whole family.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t. I felt like I would be betraying her; telling her I was sorry when I was everything but.”
“You didn’t wanna lie to her,” Jared whispered. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“I just ... I can’t feel bad for her. Not when ... .”
“Yeah,” Jared breathed, agreeing to what Jensen had left unsaid. He was feeling it too. The guilt when he was thinking about his father and Donna. But then he looked at Jensen and it all swept away. Like his heart didn’t know how to feel happy and sad at the same time.
Jared sighed deeply and closed his eyes. There was not much to see. But so much to smell, so much to feel. The slow and rhythmic rise and fall of Jensen’s chest, the soft hair on his arm, the smell of his skin.
“Jen?” Jared studied Jensen’s face, watching the shadows dance over his cheekbones and the lashes of his closed eyes fanned out against the skin.
He had moved closer, unconsciously nuzzling against Jared when he had started to slowly relax into sleep. His breathing deeper and Jared could feel him against his own chest with every intake of breath, warm and familiar.
“Hmm?” Jensen sounded almost asleep and there was a sudden warm, tingling feeling deep inside his chest of the thought of Jensen falling asleep in his arms. He never wanted to fall asleep in any other way than this.
“Please, marry me,” Jared whispered into Jensen’s ear.
He knew that Jensen had heard him, had understood him, when he felt the other man stiffen in his arms.
“I know you think I’m crazy.” Jared didn’t raise his voice, let his tone just be loud enough for Jensen to hear. “I think I’m crazy. And technically, we’re not even dating. But I’ve known you for years. I’ve loved you for years. I know what it’s like to be with you 24/7 and I know what it’s like when we don’t see each other for months, only talking by phone and text messages.”
Jared kept stroking Jensen’s hair, a whispersoft caress he almost had forgotten he was doing.
“I know what I’m asking for,” he told Jensen, who still hadn’t moved an inch. “And I’ve never been more sure that this is what I want. Marry me, Jensen. Let us be the family you wanted us to be. I’m not asking if I make any sense here. And I’m not asking if I’m responsible. All I ask is if you wanna marry me?”
Jared had to wait only a second for Jensen’s answer but it felt like a lifetime.
“Jared, yes. Yes.”
And the answer was so strong and so sure that Jared was convinced, Jensen’s answer had been yes all along, right from the knock on his door.
Jared didn’t feel a sudden jolt of euphoria at the thought of what he had asked and Jensen had agreed to. Just a warm, good feeling, so bonedeep, that it felt like coming home, like finally reaching the place where he belonged.
He felt Jensen press a soft, innocent kiss to his neck and Jared hummed in his throat.
“Forget it, Padalecki,” Jensen threatened. “I’m not gonna have sex with you in your momma’s house.”
Jared chuckled. “Yeah, ‘cause you would never do that.”
“I was desperate!” Jensen shot back as quietly as he could.
“Glad you were,” Jared admitted slowly and kissed the top of Jensen’s head. He was already addicted to all these small things. Loved to share schmoopy words and sweet little kisses and it felt like they had been doing this all along. Right from the day they met. Jared grinned to himself. They were just upgrading their rating to an NC-17 now.
“It’s gonna take some time until we can tell anyone, you know? Especially our families,” Jensen said cautiously.
“Yeah, I know. It’s too early. But until then you’ll be my dirty, little secret.”
“I’m not little,” growled Jensen and Jared couldn’t help but laugh out loud, muffled only by the hand Jensen had put over his mouth.
“But dirty?”
Jared could feel Jensen smile against his neck. “Wait till we get home.”
Jared had never received anything better for Christmas than those words.
epilogue