The Empty Room - II/3
~*~*~ I sing of things that are ~*~*~
"Hey, Jared? Can you hear me? Jared! You got a visitor."
Jared didn't even have the time to wake up fully and turn around to Clif before the other man let go of his shoulder, and stepped aside, the visitor already standing behind him and waiting.
"Jim," Jared groaned, trying his best to hide the effort it took to breathe normally and keep his face blank.
With Jim Beaver watching him, of course, he couldn't hide a damn thing.
"I'll get breakfast ready,” Clif announced and left the two men alone.
"What you're doing here?" Jared asked, sitting himself up in the bed, and glancing up to the older man suspiciously. He felt embarrassed. He couldn't remember the last time he had showered, his hair was standing up in all the wrong places, and he hadn't brushed his teeth in days.
"Looking after you, kid," Jim answered with way more concern in his voice than he had ever heard him use before.
Jared just looked up to the ceiling and didn't answer. What was there to say? He knew that it was bad. That he was bad. And it didn't need Jim Beaver flying all the way to Vancouver and getting him out of bed in the early afternoon on a Wednesday to tell him that.
"I talked to Eric." Jim sat down on the cold floor by the window and watched Jared openly. There was still nothing else in this room except for the mattress Jared had put there a couple of nights ago. Nothing more than that and the blank, cold walls. "You got the rest of the week and the weekend off, and by Monday, he wants to see you either on set or someplace where people can help you."
"He's just as worried about you as everyone else is," he added, when he saw the sad look on Jared's face.
"I know," Jared sighed.
"So, what's it gonna be?"
Jared turned to Jim again, his face showing his confusion. "What do you mean?"
"See, kid, we got a couple of alternatives. I can take you to your Mom. I can take you to a friend. Jordan, or Chad maybe. I can take you to whatever clinic you like. But I'm not gonna let you stay here another day."
Jared throat went dry. "But I ... ."
He stopped when he caught the way Jim’s eyes stopped at something and his face fell.
“Jared,” he sighed, sounding tired and sad.
“What?” Jared frowned but he found the object Jim was looking at and his frown turned into a headshake and pleading eyes.
“I just take them so I can sleep, Jim, I swear. I’m not gonna ... .”
“Consciously or not, you’re doing it already,” Jim’s voice was echoing between the naked walls.
“Look, Jared, I never understood exactly what had happened to you when you got into the hospital that time. But I know that it was bad and that ever since ... . You’ve been different, Jared, lost, like something big is missing in your life and you’re desperately trying to get it back. But whatever it is, this is not the right way!”
Jared swallowed against the lump in his throat and tried desperately not to scream, not to tell Jim that this was the only way he knew to be close to the person he was missing so bad.
"Jared, I don't know what's wrong with you and I ain’t gonna ask because I think it's none of my business until you want to talk about it to me. But it's my goddamn business when I have to watch a friend rotting away in his own bed. So don't think for a second that I will let that happen, son."
Jared stared at him, unable to reply, but Jim didn't seem to be finished anyway. "You're gonna get out of that bed in the next minute and you'll get your stinky ass into the shower and then you'll dress, pack a bag and eat your damn breakfast, and I will not move from here until you're done."
"But what ... Harley and Sadie," Jared threw in weakly, not even forming a full sentence.
"Clif has been watching and feeding and walking your dogs for the last week, don't you think he can do it for another one?"
And that did it. Jared realized with a sting to his guts that he had abandoned his dogs the last few days, and had only spent his time in bed, trying to sleep, trying to dream. This couldn't go on like that.
"Okay." Jared entangled himself from his sheets, his movements clumsy and off balance. "I wanna go to Chad. I can't see my mom like this."
Jim nodded, and only when Jared turned around did he catch the worried eyes on the pale face of the other man.
We're stepping out of the airport in L.A., our bags in our hands, and heading to the parking lot.
We're not saying anything, but when I glance over, I can see the lazy, relaxed smile on Jensen’s face and I can’t stop the flutter in my stomach at that sight.
I wish I knew what had happened between us, how much time had passed. But jumping from dream to dream leaves me with these gaping holes, and I’m aching for them to be filled.
I know that I’m walking on the edge of a knife here, that I let myself fall completely into a life that only existed in my head.
But I’m craving this life too much, craving him too much to give that up.
I’m lost. And even if Jim was dragging the real me thousands of miles across country, I know that it’s already too late.
“Hey guys!” A blonde, short guy smiles when he sees us and then he steps forward and is hugging me tight, like we know each other, and in this dream we maybe do, so I laugh and return the hug and pet his shoulder because it feels like this is the right thing to do.
“Good to see you, man,” I tell him and I feel that I mean it.
The blonde moves to hug Jensen and when I watch them hug I can see that they’re even more familiar with each other, that there’s a deeper friendship between them.
“Hey, Steve,” he says to the blonde and the sting of jealousy actually makes me smile.
“Hey, hands of my boyfriend, you jackass,” a deep voice grumbles but the guy who steps from behind the car that we’re standing near is smiling.
His dark long hair is tied back and he’s actually much shorter than me but looks really intimidating. He greets me with a short hug and a bright smile, and then Jensen’s hugging him and clapping his back.
“Not touching what’s yours, Chris,” he tells the shorter man.
“Hey, I’m still here, you know,” the guy he had called Steve growls, but I can see that he doesn’t mean it and the way he looks at the brunette says everything about their relationship.
“Steve is never gonna look at anyone else, Chris,” he says, “and you know it! We’ve just been waiting for you guys to figure it out.”
“Says the guy who ... .” But Chris can’t finish his sentence because he gets a slap on his head and a deathly glare from Steve.
I can feel myself blush and I don’t have to turn to know that Jensen is blushing too.
“Hey, I heard Rosey’s enjoying his old hairdo again, thanks to you,” Steve says to distract us all and it's working because Chris and Jensen are starting to laugh at that and even I have to smile at the memory of that crazy night.
Until I remember that it’s just another memory of a dream I had.
“Hey Hodge!” Chris shouts suddenly and I turn around to see Aldis Hodge running up to us, coming over the parking lot.
I know Aldis. I've worked with him on my show before and it is weird to have him in this dream, but then again not weirder than dreaming about two almost-familiar guys who I seem to be friends with.
“Hey, guys!” He smiles and greets us like old friends. “Damn, Jared, it’s good to see you, man!”
“Yeah, good to see you too,” I laugh.
“Y'all gonna come to my party, right?” He asks hopefully, looking into the circle and not far from bouncing on his heels.
“That's why we came, you moron,” Jensen says and slaps him playfully.
“Okay, people, I don't wanna spend all day hanging around in an airport. We’ll see us tonight, Hodge,” Chris waves Aldis off with annoyance in his tone, but we could tell that he didn't mean it.
Sitting crouched in the backseat with Steve next to me and Jensen riding shotgun to Chris, I can feel Steve's eyes on me.
“What?” I whisper, feeling weird about talking to a guy my mind probably made up but who thinks we have known each other for years.
“It's worth it, you know,” he whispers back and the two guys in the front can't hear us because they're engaged in their own conversation.
I just raise an eyebrow, not knowing what he's talking about.
“Giving you two a chance.”
I can feel myself blush.
“Look, man. You might wanna tell me that this is none of my business. And maybe you're right. But look how long it took Chris and me to overcome all this shit and just be who we are. There's no need for you to go through the same thing.”
“I ... this ... .” I don't really know what to say.
“I can see the way you two look at each other,” he smirks at me. “I promise you, it'll be worth it. And Danneel has been out of the picture for months now, man. You're both single. You're both in love with each other. There's nothing wrong.”
I swallow and wonder briefly who Danneel is, but mostly I'm shocked about how openly he's talking to me.
“I can see how scared you are,” he whispers, his face turning serious, and it's touching how well he seems to know me, even if he has no idea what he is talking about. “I know he's your best friend and you can be sure that he says the same thing about you. But take that chance man, I mean it.”
The only thing I manage is a nod.
The next thing I know is that we’re standing in front of a building. Jensen walks up to it, fumbles with the keys and lets us in like he's familiar with it. Like he's been here enough to not pay attention to anything around him at all.
A weird feeling settles in my stomach as I realize that he lives here. That this is his home, here, in L.A..
And I wonder briefly if I should know it.
"Okay, I call dibs on the shower," Jensen shouts as we enter his apartment and he doesn't even wait for me to close the front door; he just vanishes behind one of the doors.
I feel lost as soon as he's gone. I don't know this place. I know nothing about the furniture that looks so unpersonal to me or the too white walls. It doesn't feel like a home to me. Doesn't feel like something Jensen would want to live in.
Because Jensen already has a home, I remind myself. With me.
I gasp as I realize that I'm doing it again. That I'm losing the sense of reality.
It always happens. Sooner or later in every dream I forget that it just that. A dream. That none of this is real and that Jensen is not real and still here I am. Thinking about what to say to him, how to talk, how to act. Like it would matter. Like he was a real person.
I cover my face in one hand and take a deep breath.
"You okay?"
I swirl around and catch the concerned glance on Jensen's face.
"Yeah. Yeah, I am. Just ... tired. A little." I give him a weak smile.
"Your head?" he asks and gets closer.
"My ... what?"
"Dude," he says softly and reaches for me, his hands cupping my head gently, "don't start this with me again, okay? Just because you can't remember that you slipped in the kitchen, doesn't mean you didn't,okay? That's the whole point of short term memory loss."
He tilts his head and looks at me, his fingers brushing over my temples.
"The doc said to take it easy. Maybe we shouldn't have come up here this time."
"Hm," I answer and the sound dies in my throat as his fingertips slide over my face, brush my hair aside, follow the line of my jaw.
"We don't need to go to the party, Jared," he whispers, already distracted by what he's doing.
"Uhm ... ," but I want to, I try to say but then Jensen's face is right in front of me and my eyes fall closed.
My lips tingle in anticipation and my heart thumps in my chest as I feel his breath ghost over my skin.
But he's not kissing me. Not yet.
I can feel the whispersoft press of his lips on my cheek first, then on my jaw. I suck in a shaky breath as he kisses my eyelids, one by one, just barely enough pressure so that I can feel him.
There's a burning tightness in my chest, something so good and so intense, it's hurting. But I soak it all in, the smell of him, fresh out of the shower in clean clothes; the warmth that is bleeding into my skin like it can't go anywhere but inside me; the feel of his skin against mine, as he softly claims every inch of my face as his.
I feel tears sting in my eyes. It's ridiculous and stupid and I don't want to ruin this moment, not now. But I've never been this happy. Have never felt this loved. This protected. This treasured.
"Jared," Jensen whispers and his head is tilted down and when I open my eyes I can see the light flush on his face right down his neck.
I can't help the smile that breaks across my face.
He looks up at me, his eyes crinkling as he returns the smile, ducking his head again and he takes his hands off my face, letting them slide hesitently along my arms.
"Can we forget this ever happened? With me turning into a girl in front of you and all?" he asks, still not meeting my eyes, embarressement written all over his face but there's also the soft smile still on his lips and I shake my head firmly.
"No. I never ever want to forget this," I whisper and place a soft kiss on his forhead.
Jared woke up when the plane started landing and the seat-belt signs blinked on.
Jim was sitting next to him, his eyes focused on the taller man. He had made good on his promise, had put Jared into the seat by the window himself, freshly showered and with a small amount of food inside him since it had been way too long since Jared had eaten anything.
Jared didn’t panic. He just stared at the seat in front of him, controlling his breathing and measuring his heartbeat. The sounds came back slowly, getting louder just like someone was turning up the volume.
It got easier somehow every time Jared woke up from the dream.
Like the pain had wormed its way into Jared, deeper and deeper, disappearing inside altogether so it could eat its way through Jared’s insides. And all that was left was a dull, throbbing pain that grew stronger with every breath.
Walking through the airport, his bag already in hand, Jared tried to remember if he had seen one of the two other guys from his latest dream before. They seemed vaguely familiar but he couldn’t place them. Maybe he was adding ideal friends now to his ideal man.
Grimacing at his own thoughts, he blushed, hoping that Jim didn't notice as he walked beside him, and quickly left the airport, heading for the parking lot where Chad had promised to wait for him.
When he spotted his friend, he felt a weird mix of relief and fear. He was glad that he could be here, could take some time off, but at the same time, he was afraid what Chad would see, would know, when he spent time with him.
How crazy Jared was.
How absolutely in love he was with a guy from a fucking dream.
“Hey, JT.”
Chad’s greeting was less cheerful and more concerned than normal, and that alone made Jared feel guilty.
“Hey,” he replied and tried to put as much happiness into that one word as he could.
He seemed to have succeeded when Chad grinned and clapped Jared’s shoulder with way more enthusiasm than necessary.
"I can take him from here," Chad told Jim, ignoring Jared like he wasn't even there. "Thanks man, I appreciate it."
"Watch out for him," Jim gave his last piece of advice and took off, pulling Jared into a hug before he walked away.
“Jared? Is that you, man?”
Jared and Chad turned around, looking where that voice was coming from and Jared startled when he recognized the man jogging towards them.
“Aldis!”
“Good to see ya, man!” Aldis smiled, completely oblivious to the frown on Jared’s face.
"Chad, this is Aldis," Jared introduced his friends. "He was a guest on Supernatural. Aldis, this is my friend Chad."
"Hey brother, nice to meet you." Aldis smiled happily and Jared could tell instantly that they liked each other from the start.
“What the hell are you doing in the States this time of year?” Aldis wondered, but obviously happy to have met him.
“Just some time off, they’re shooting second unit and a new cast member right now,” Jared half lied and hoped Aldis wouldn’t investigate it any further.
But it seemed as if Jared didn’t have a reason to worry.
"Dude, you so gotta come to my party tonight!" Aldis burst out, all but bouncing on his heels. "The whole Leverage crew's gonna be there and a couple of friends. What do you say?"
Jared blinked, not able to form a clear thought. What the hell was happening here? First he was dreaming about this and now it was becoming reality?
"We're totally gonna be there, dude," Chad answered when Jared didn’t respond.
"Cool!" A wide grin spread on Aldis' face. "I'm gonna mail you the address, okay Jared?"
And with that, Aldis had turned around and was jogging away, while Jared was still blinking at him.
Chad shot his friend a long glare. "It's damn, time that you got used to being around people again, JT. You're like a ghost or something:"
Chad took Jared back to his apartment, telling him to make himself at home which Jared answered with a nod. He’d try but this wasn’t his home. His home had a room, an empty room which Jared wished he could be standing in right now because that was the place he felt he should be, needed to be.
“How about I fix you a bite and then we head out? Feel free to log-on to my computer, see if Aldis mailed you his address already,” Chad said with an easy smile. He padded into his kitchen, opening and closing different cupboards while clattering pots and pans like he was planning on cooking up a four course banquet. Eventually, he stuck his head in the freezer, sheepishly re-emerging with a frozen fajita which he shoved into the microwave. “Convenience food, gotta love it.”
Jared laughed, sitting himself down with Chad’s Macbook resting on his knees he set about opening his e-mails.
Aldis’ place was stuffed with people Jared didn't know and was actually the last place he wanted to be. But then he caught the worried expression on Chad's face again and he swore to himself for the hundredth time, that he would do anything to make that look go away.
Making Chad Michael Murray worried about you was almost a crime against nature.
Jared chuckled at the thought and immediately earned a raised eyebrow from Chad.
"Hey, you made it," they heard Aldis shout from across the room and were greeted by the man shortly after, wearing a big grin, a huge pair of sunglasses and already two colorful, exotic cocktails in his hand, ready to hand it any guest who happened to pass by.
“What do you like, guys?” Aldis asked, waving the cocktails in front of their noses. “I have the most amazing cocktail mixes in the world or lame, boring bottles of beer.”
Chad and Jared changed a look. “Beer,” they nodded.
Aldis rolled his eyes. “Figures.”
Five minutes later and they had beers in their hands and had been introduced to half of the house.
Jared found he was actually enjoying himself.
Chad was rambling on about some girl on set, and for a few minutes, Jared could almost forget that there was a reason why he was here.
"And then she just took off!" Chad concluded with flailing arms and an expression on his face like it had been the best thing he'd ever seen. "She just told everyone, and I'm gonna quote: 'Hey, people, I'm outta here. I'm sorry, but I need a vacation, like, now.' And then she was gone. Just like that."
Chad shook his head, obviously still in disbelief. "I mean, I liked Danneel when she was working with us full time you know? I thought she was a sweet and nice girl and all. But man, sometimes the sweetest ones are the craziest."
“Wait ... what?” Chad finally got Jared's attention. “Did you just say Danneel?”
Chad just looked at him with a frown on his face. “Yeah. So?”
“Just ... .” Maybe Chad had talked about her before. Maybe his subconscious had saved this name and now it was appearing in his sleep.
Jared shook his head at the still expectant expression on Chad’s face. There was no point in worrying Chad even more with telling him that he knew that name from a dream.
The conversation quickly wandered to more innocent topics and Jared felt himself relax again.
Until he saw them.
Eyes growing wide, Jared almost choked on his beer.
His mind went crazy with looking for explanations, coming up with theories, with ideas of how it could be. But all he could come up with was nothing when he was staring at the two people right across the room.
Both shorter than him. Both with long hair, tied up in the back; one blonde, one brunette.
Steve and Chris. The men from his dream.
Half an hour later Jared had the names of the two guys. One was a musician, Steve Carlson, and the other one’s name was Christian Kane, actually one of Aldis’ colleagues, starring in the same show as he was.
Chris and Steve. So far, the dream had been right.
But Jared wasn't any smarter. His mind was still racing with questions, with the reasons why he could dream about two guys he had never met in real life. Did he know them? Had he seen them and just forgotten about it? Had his subconcious mind pulled them out of a long forgotten memory?
Jared had managed to lose Chad somewhere in the crowd and was now chatting with Aldis as he saw the two men again, just a couple of steps away.
He followed them out of the corner of his eyes, had thought about what he could do, what he could ask. If he was about to ask them something.
Spotting them again, just a couple of feet away, vanishing into another room, Jared made a decision.
Jared knew it was stupid before he even made the steps. But it was driving him crazy, and if there was even the slightest chance of getting an answer, he needed to take it.
He heard Aldis shout his name behind him after his sudden change of direction, but he chose to ignore it. He wouldn’t have the courage to ask if he didn’t do it now.
“Uhm, excuse me?” His own voice suddenly seemed loud in his own ears, but except for the three of them and Aldis following behind him, they were alone in what Jared realized was another small living room.
Steve was just ending a phone call, slipping the cell phone shut and turning back around to his friend, when Jared approached him. The blonde looked up to him expectantly.
“Do we know each other?” Jared forced out, knowing that he sounded like a stupid twelve-year-old.
Steve smiled and cocked his head. “Hadn’t heard that one in a while.”
Jared could feel himself blush and he shook his head vehemently. “No, god, no! I just … I really feel like I know you.”
That smile faded from the other man’s face and he looked like he was trying to remember him now.
“You’re Jared Pada ... something, right? From the TV-Show? I’m Steve Carlson, I’m a singer. So, look, maybe you’ve seen me somewhere. And I know who you are … doesn’t mean we know each other, but maybe that would explain things.”
Jared hesitated just a second. He didn’t think he could humiliate himself more.
“I keep dreaming about you.”
“Whoa, dude, back the fuck off!”
Jared didn’t know what hit him but suddenly he found himself facing a guy who looked like he was about to kill him. Looked like he actually could.
Chris.
“That’s fucking enough my friend. So back off!” he threatened, his tone calm but dangerous and Jared threw up his hands in defense.
“I’m not hitting on your boyfriend!”
Jared knew that he had said the wrong thing when he could see the anger in the other man’s face become even more intense.
Jared sighed in defeat and closed his eyes. “Shit, man, I’m sorry. That came out wrong. But I mean it. I did not hit on your boyfriend. I’m sorry. It’s just … .”
He stopped when he noticed the shocked expression on the other man’s face. This was not what he had been expecting.
“Aldis, would you please leave us alone?” Chris said without turning away from Jared, the anger back on his face.
"Who me? Oh, hell no!" Aldis looked nervously from one man to the other. He didn't seem to be able to decide if he wanted to get between them or not.
"Aldis, leave," Chris repeated through clenched teeth.
Jared started sweating. He didn't know this man in front of him very well. But he somehow assumed the man could take him even if Jared had a couple of inches and more muscle on him.
“No, Chris forget it." Jared could see Aldis shake his head from the corner of his eye. "Jay here is a real cool guy, I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way, man. He’s just mistaken you for someone else.”
“Aldis, leave the fucking room,” Chris snarled.
“You’re not gonna fight with him, man! You’re both cool dudes, come on!”
Chris turned his head and faced Aldis. “Leave the fucking room, now!”
“I can handle him.” The soft reply came from Steve and Jared could see that he was looking at Aldis with a serious but calm face.
'What the hell is going on here?' Jared thought, his mind racing.
Aldis shot one glance at Jared, then shook his head and left the room. “Okay. I’m just sayin’, this is stupid. I’m just sayin’.”
"How do you know?" Chris snarled at Jared as soon as Aldis had left the room and closed the door behind him.
"Know what?"
Chris didn’t move a muscle, just kept on glaring at Jared like a hard-boiled cop. "About Steve and me?"
"I ... ."
"Because there's only a handful of people who know about us and I trust them with my life. I know that they're not gossiping about it." Chris pushed him, forcing him to stumble a couple of steps backwards.
"Go easy on him, Chris," Steve said with the same calm voice as before. But he didn't do anything. Just looked at Jared expectantly, waiting for an answer just like Chris.
"I dreamt about it," Jared heard himself saying and realized that it was true. He didn't hear it somewhere. He didn't know these guys. He had only dreamt about them.
A weird feeling crawled up Jared's spine, like there was something at the back of his mind, something he could not quite reach, but that would explain everything.
He could see Chris and Steve exchange a look he couldn't quite read, but Steve's face had paled and Chris only got angrier.
"This isn’t a stupid joke here!" Chris threatened, a hand on Jared's collar, pushing him further backwards.
“Get your fucking hands off of him, Kane!”
Three heads swirled around when Chad stormed into the room, furious, and was between Jared and Chris in the blink of an eye, both men staring at him in surprise.
“I know you can probably kill me with one move, Kane, but don’t think I don’t know a trick or two!”
The room fell silent.
Chris stared at Chad, a hint of respect flickering in his eyes. Then Chris stepped back and let go of Jared, saying nothing, just glaring at both of them.
"You come with me," Chad told Jared and Jared was too stunned and shocked that he couldn't do anything else but follow.
Chad waited until they were both out of the room, around a corner and hidden from everyone else, before he swirled around and punched Jared in the face.
"You fucking idiot!" he hissed and Jared couldn't tell if he had ever seen his friend so angry. "If you want to convince me that you're not suicidal, don't go around and call Chris Kane a faggot!"
"I didn't," Jared tried to defend himself, holding his nose until the throbbing pain started fading.
Chad huffed angrily. "Well, Aldis told me something different. And somehow I believe him more than you right now."
Jared shook his head. "I didn't, Chad. I just ... I just told him that I knew that he was dating Steve."
"Oh, and that's not calling him a faggot?"
"No, not when it's true. And I didn't use that word."
Chad looked skeptical. "It's true? Really? Man that would be hilarious!" Chad made a face, frowning. "Well that would explain why he snapped when you told him you knew."
Jared just nodded, glad that Chad seemed to believe him.
"How did you know that, anyway?"
An unhappy laugh escaped Jared's throat and he lowered his head, not able to meet his friend's eyes. "I dreamt about it."
Jared left the small bathroom when he was certain that his nose wouldn’t swell twice it’s size and he wouldn’t look like an idiot who just had gotten into a fist fight.
Although it wasn’t his looks he was worried about the most.
Jared was worried about himself. About whether he was truly losing his sense of reality. Just a couple of weeks ago he would have simply laughed about meeting Steve and Chris at this random party after he had dreamed about them. His first thought would have been logical, would have just been the knowledge that he had simply seen them somewhere before.
The first thing that came to his mind wouldn't have been hope. Or the crushing doubt that his dreams were more than just .... dreams.
"Sorry for punching you, man." Chad made a face as he looked up at Jared, coming out of the bathroom.
Jared shook his head slightly. "It's okay. You were just worried."
Chad nodded hesitantly, but turned around and left it at that.
Silently, they both joined the group of people again, that still seemed to grow. Jared could make out Aldis grinning from ear to ear, welcoming ever single one of them like an old friend.
"Jeez," Chad chuckled next to him, "look who's crashing a party."
Jared turned around to find out who his friend was talking about and flinched as he saw Tom Welling and Mike Rosenbaum at the other side of the room.
Memories of the three of them hanging around in Tom's house, of Jensen and him shaving Mike's head; memories both true and false were flashing thorugh Jared's mind.
Watching Mike move his hand through his hair reminded Jared with a sting what was wrong and what was right.
"Hey, you're not gonna say hello?" Chad shouted after him, when he had already taking a few steps.
"I need some air," Jared said, not sure if Chad did even hear him.
It was chilly outside. Not cold, but the air felt wrong around him, made him shake and think of home, of crisp Vancouver-air. What home felt like he couldn't say anymore, could only tell that he had had home in those dreams, when he still remembered, when he still was oblivious to reality while he was dreaming. It had felt like a home then and now there was barely anything left.
He was more or less alone outside. Just a couple he didn't know were sitting on their jackets far away from him and Jared appreciated the quietness out here, away from the party, away from all the happy and carefree people.
Weeks ago he would have given everything to be like them again, just going back and not caring about what he had dreamed about, what he could have had. Now he would give almost everything just to make all that real.
To conjure Jensen into his life.
"Uhm, Jared? Excuse me?"
The soft voice came from behind and Jared turned around to find Steve, looking nervous and hesitant.
Taking a deep breath and preparing an apology, he took a step forward.
"Yeah?"
Steve cleared his throat and looked up to Jared. "Why do you ... what are you ... when you dream about me, Chris and me, what are you dreaming about?"
Jared felt his cheeks redden and he shook his head. "Dude, no, I'm not dreaming about Chris and you, not in ... not in that way!"
Steve's eyes widened when he understood how Jared must have interpreted the question. He let out an awkward laugh. "No, man. I didn't mean that. Well, I didn't think that, at least."
"Uhm." Steve ran one hand through his hair, his eyes shifting on the ground before him.
"Do you ... when you dream about us, is there ... is there this guy? This blonde guy? Like, a little taller than me, short hair, green eyes, freckles on his face?"
~*~next~*~