Under Falling Leaves - part one
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"You know I could run. I could run so far away I'd never see you again. I could never touch you again, never speak to you again."
He looks up, emotion thick in his voice.
"But you know what? It wouldn't do a damn thing to change the fact that I'm in love with you. It's already too late, Sammy."
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"Dude? Why are you up?" Jared's mumbled voice carries from the hallway and, a second later, he stumbles into the kitchen, his eyes still half-closed and his hair standing in all directions. He looks ridiculous, all overgrown and built, yet still like a little boy.
Something warm flutters through Jensen's stomach, familiar and not unexpected. Jensen shoves it to the side, buries it deep down inside him without even thinking about it.
"Just a nightmare."
Jensen grabs a bowl from the cupboard and gestures with it to Jared, who nods. It's not the first time they've met in the kitchen in the middle of the night to eat leftovers.
He pours some of last night's Chinese food into Jared's bowl while the other man flops down ungracefully on one of the chairs. "Dreaming about Dean again?" Jared asks, yawning, and Jensen nods without looking up.
That isn't something new either. Jensen often used to dream about his work - hell, that's normal every now and then - but in the last few weeks dreams about the show and Dean and Sam have gotten more intense. And not just jumbled, not-making-sense dreams either. His siblings always mocked Jensen for having the most vivid, movie-like dreams and it's no different with the dreams he's currently having. They are like hidden scenes between episodes, missing moments between Sam and Dean.
And, just like dreams do sometimes, they feel way too real.
"You gonna be okay?" Jared asks when they've finished; nothing but comfortable silence shared for the last couple of minutes.
Jensen nods, feels sleep tugging at him again, and he hopes that he won't dream anymore this night.
"Dude, if it's getting worse, wake me up, alright?"
Jensen smiles at Jared's words, but when he looks up, he sees that his friend means it.
"Thanks, man," he says. "But I'm gonna be okay. Get some sleep. I'm keeping you up enough as it is."
"Alright." Jared blinks lazily and then turns to his bedroom, Sadie already waiting at the top of the stairs, obviously checking what her daddy is up to in the middle of the night.
"Come on, girl," Jensen hears Jared call her softly when his friend has reached her, petting her head while passing by and making her move. He watches them disappear around the corner before he finally starts heading for his own bed.
The next morning doesn't seem to be better. Jensen feels tired to the bone, echoes of his dreams showing up every time he closes his eyes. Bright lights and dark places. Fire. Screaming. It's what he pictures that hell is like.
Clif is driving today and Jensen is grateful for that. He only manages to crawl onto his seat in the car before his eyes slip shut again. He feels Jared next to him; swears he can even feel the worried glances he's shooting him, but Jensen is too tired to care right now.
"You ready?" Clif asks from up front and, thankfully, Jared answers for them both, telling Clif to start the car.
"Maybe you should take a day off, Jensen," Jared says finally when they are halfway to their destination and Jensen cracks an eye open.
He shakes his head weakly. "I told you I'm fine, Sammy," he answers.
Jared stays silent after that and the rest of their drive. Only later, when they're shooting a scene with a dialogue very similar to their conversation in the car, Jensen realizes what he called Jared.
The cold water drips from his face, but it does nothing to help him with the dizziness, with the heat crawling up his skin. Jensen grabs the sink with both hands and forces himself to breathe.
God, he doesn't know what's wrong.
He just knows that he keeps waking up like this, confused, sweaty; feeling like he's losing ... orientation. Himself.
It's peacefully dark and quiet and Jensen refuses to look at the clock that would only tell him how damn late it is and how he only has three or four hours of sleep left before he has to get up again.
He leaves his bathroom and wanders through the house, careful not to make noise, tries to calm himself down.
It's a physical effort to stay away from Jared's room and that's what scares Jensen the most. The urge to wake his friend up and make Jared stay with him, keep him company. Jensen feels like he's eight again, afraid of the dark and still crawling into his parents' bed after a nightmare.
He can't get the pictures out of his head and, even worse, this pain he feels from his chest. He keeps dreaming about Sam and Dean. About the fear Dean has of losing his brother.
If Dean was real.
'I just ... I don't believe.'
'In what?'
'In you'
The lines just keep running through his head and Jensen swears silently that he is not letting himself get in so deep next time, the next shoot, the next emotional scene that could rip him apart. He is not letting it get to him so much. Yet he feels like he hasn't shaken off Dean completely and the pain of saying those words to his own brother still rips through him.
"Get the fuck out of my head," Jensen whispers to himself, but when he takes in his surroundings, he finds himself in front of Jared's bedroom door.
He doesn't even try to stop himself from going in this time.
Thankfully, Jared is not a light sleeper and Harley and Sadie only blink at Jensen once before they turn around and fall asleep again.
Jensen feels weird and creepy, leaning against the doorframe and watching his friend sleep. But also, he finally feels calm, feels something quiet settle over him. Jared is lying spilled across the bed, his legs and arms showing out from under the covers, his face tilted towards the door. The streetlights outside throw just enough light in the room so Jensen can see him.
Jared's features are soft and peaceful and Jensen breathes a little easier again.
This is Jared, not Sam. He isn't in danger of going darkside, he isn't bitter and angry and self-righteous. He's just Jared. And he's happy.
Jensen hates that his nightmares make him forget that sometimes.
He doesn't know how long he stands there, watching his friend. But when he finally feels a deep tiredness inside him, he shuffles out of the room and closes the door quietly. He tries not to acknowledge that this isn't the first time he's done this.
And fortunately, he doesn't know that inside Jared's bedroom, Jared has opened his eyes in the dark, throwing a worried glance at the door. It's not the first time Jared has done that either.
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