Closed Doors - Chapter 6/10
Jared’s first reaction was ‘We’re related? How cool is that?’
Then he looked at Jensen. His friend’s eyes were glued to the table, his hands on his lap clenched to fists and realization hit Jared full force.
Not in actual words, not in thoughts. The sheer number of truths and consequences swirled together in his head like a storm and he was unable to catch one of them. But then Jared looked at Jensen’s family, at Jensen again and he thought about the kiss the night before and the desperation in his friend’s actions, in the reason’s that must have made him crawl into Jared’s bed in the middle of night.
Jensen was in pure agony. He’d been breaking, little by little, for weeks now. Tormented by the thoughts about what his family would say, if they knew. What Jared would say. What he would do.
Jensen was in love with a man. With his best friend. With his cousin.
Jared watched his friend, careful glances no one noticed. And he was breaking with him.
"Is he ... your father, is he still alive?" The voice of Jared’s dad caught his attention. His voice sounded a little shaky.
"No. I’m sorry."
Jared watched Donna squeeze his father’s hand over the table. The family had always known that grandpa wasn’t Gerry’s real father and Jared knew what it would mean for him to know his father, to actually meet him. If Jared could have concentrated on anything else then the trembling mess Jensen was beside him, he would have cared about the things his father was going through right now.
"He died five years ago. He got very sick and knew he would die. He left a letter where he told us about the affair and the child."
The table grew silent. A vibrating, humming silence where everybody wanted to say something but no one knew what.
"Okay, maybe we should start eating. Or the food will get cold," Alan laughed awkwardly. The weird energy eased off a little bit and soon enough everyone was filling their plates.
"So, you’re gonna be a real family now," Jeff’s wife beamed at Jared and he could feel a jolt of pain go through Jensen’s body next to him. It was weird really. Jared had never been so aware of his friend than at this moment, like his emotions were pouring out of him in waves and seeping into Jared’s body.
Jared felt guilty for the anger that was building in him that was directed at his brother’s wife for saying these things in front of Jensen. Couldn’t she see how hard this was for him? And couldn’t Jensen’s mother see that her son was breaking in front of her?
But no one could. Everyone was just so shocked and excited about the news. Megan and Mackenzie were whispering excitedly with each other, obviously planning on visits and sleepovers. The parents were talking quietly, but with happy and hopeful smiles on their faces. Josh, Jeff and his wife were laughing with each other and raising their glasses a couple of times, praising their new found family.
"We’re already a real family," Jared replied, more to himself and minutes after Jeff’s wife had spoken.
Jensen froze for a couple of heartbeats next to him and then he clenched his fist again.
Jared would have given anything to be there for him right now. To be able to grab those fists, to hug him until the pain would have gone. Until Jensen believed him that they were okay, no matter what.
But there was no way that Jared could leave the table right now, or that Jensen could leave it or even that Jared could just reach over and touch his friend. Reassure him. Jensen was barely holding it together and Jared couldn’t risk that.
Both of them hadn’t eaten much. Donna and Jared’s mom had just brought the dessert in, Jensen’s second favorite pie, and Jensen was giving it a look as if it would kill him. He knew he had to eat it or otherwise it would finally draw his mother’s attention to him.
Jared watched Jensen force down two small slices and he felt so bad that he couldn’t do anything for him, that he had to watch him suffer like that.
"Can you pass me the cream, please?" Jared asked Jensen quietly and it was the first time he had spoken to him since Donna had revealed the secret.
No one but Jared noticed the effort it took for Jensen to stay calm. But he took the cream-bowl and handed it to Jared. Their fingers touched briefly and their eyes met and Jared could barely surpress a gasp when he caught the fear in Jensen’s eyes.
***
When the dinner was over and both families started to clear the table, Jensen immediately excused himself and vanished upstairs.
Jared waited a minute and followed him. His friend wasn’t in his old room and every other door on that floor was wide open except for the bathroom door. Jared walked to it and listened to see if he could hear Jensen on the other side.
And he could. There were some noises, like he was spitting into the sink and then he heard the toilet being flushed.
"God," Jared exhaled. The worry about his friend grew bigger and bigger with every passing moment.
"Jen, are you okay?" He tried to be as quiet as he could but he knew that Jensen had heard him when the noises on the other side died down.
"Jen?" Jared closed his eyes and let his forehead rest against the door. "Come on, please talk to me."
But behind the door no one answered. Jared was about to knock and say something again, when he heard his sister shout up the stairs.
"Jared! Get down here and help! Don’t let Momma Ackles do all the work!"
Jared sighed but turned around and got down into the kitchen. He couldn’ risk to draw any more attention to them. With an apologetic smile he joined the other family members and helped clear the table.
"Hey, honey, are you alright?" Jared’s mom smiled up at him, patting his cheek.
Jared nodded. "Yeah, sure. It’s just ... . It’s a little overwhelming. I’ve known him for years and he’s my best friend and suddenly he’s my cousin too."
"It’s amazing, huh? An incredible coincidence." She shook her head in disbelief and laughed. "But Donna said they’re pretty sure. They have no hard proof yet, but after the blood test ... ."
She looked at him and her eyes glistened happily. "I’m so happy for your father. He couldn’t have gotten a better sister than Donna. And us not a better family then the Ackles."
"Yeah, that’s true, Mom." Jared was sure he had managed to sound happy too with the last sentence. He was an actor after all.
"God, honey, are you alright?" This time it was Donna who said the words and when Jared turned around he saw Jensen standing in the doorway and his mother shooting him a concerned look.
"Yeah, just ... . I think maybe I’m getting the flu or something." His voice was quiet and scratchy. His skin was getting the pale look again Jared had seen far too often lately.
Donna was next to her son immediately and felt his forehead. "Hm, doesn’t feel hot yet but you’re a little sweaty, honey. Maybe you should rest a little? Or go to bed early?"
"Or maybe ... ," Jared had started speaking before he was even quiet sure what he wanted to say. He turned to Jeff. "Hey, can I borrow your car? Jensen wanted to show me a place he used to go when he was younger and maybe he just needs some air."
Jeff nodded. "Sure." He dipped into his pocket and handed Jared the keys.
"That’s a good idea, man," Josh joined their conversation and looked at his brother. "You sure didn’t look that good during dinner, bro."
"Yeah." Jensen nodded hesitantly.
Jared couldn’t tell if his friend was relieved that he could leave the house for a while or if he was terrified that he had to be alone with Jared.
Silently, both men got their shoes and jackets and went to the car. Jared got behind the wheel and drove off in the next best direction he could find.
They just had to get away. Away from the house. Away from the families.
Their family.
***
They had been driving for ten minutes, down a deserted country road, and neither of them had spoken a word.
Jensen was sitting on his seat as far away from Jared as possible and he had managed to make himself smaller than he was. Jared could hear him breathing, sharp intakes of breath, and when he glanced over to him, he saw his jaw clenched and his fists shake in his lap.
„Jen … ." Without thinking, Jared reached over and tried to touch his hands, but Jensen pulled away.
„No. Please." And Jared knew that he was talking about the touch and the question Jared wanted to ask.
"Jen, I really need to know." His voice was gentle but firm.
Jensen stayed silent and closed his eyes. It was a sign of defeat, Jensen’s way of saying that he knew Jared would ask anyway.
"There are only two reasons," Jared started, keeping an eye on the road and the other on Jensen, watching every reaction he got, "Two reasons I can think of, why you wouldn’t throw a party but have the mother of all freak outs when you learn that we might be related. And I don’t think, it’s the first one."
Jensen finally looked at him. "What’s the first one?"
"That you don’t like me."
"It’s not the first one," Jensen answered after a heartbeat.
Jared took a deep breath. "Jen, do you ... ."
"Please don’t make me say it," Jensen begged and it broke Jared’s heart all over.
But he stayed strong. "I just need a yes or no. Just a yes or no."
Jensen turned away and closed his eyes again.
"Jensen, are you in love with me?"
A moment of silence and then, so low, Jared could barely hear it, "Yes."
It was different. To hear him say it. To actually know, for sure, because he’d said it.
Jared took a shaky breath and stopped the car on the side of the road. There was a forest on one side and a field on the other. There was a little path going into the wood and Jensen was out of the car and vanishing between the trees so fast, Jared hadn’t even turned off the engine.
Jared didn’t follow him. As worried as he was, he knew that Jensen needed his time alone. Needed his chance to walk this off. It wasn’t the first time that he had just walked off, aimlessly, and it wasn’t the first time either that Jared was waiting for him to come back.
Jared left the car and leaned against the front, watching the path before him and waiting. It never had been this bad though. Jared never had felt the fear that Jensen might not come back.
family.
***
"And this is how I break apart when I finally hit the ground"
Jensen just walked. Step by step down that path. He could feel Jared’s presence behind him, burning into him like a fire.
He had to get away, to clear his head, to get his fucking lungs to breathe again. The nausea had started to fade, but his legs were still weak, and whatever he did he couldn’t stop his hands from shaking like crazy.
Jared knew.
Jared knew everything, and although he might have been at that door asking him if he was okay and he might have been in the car trying to reassure him that he was there, Jared could still go, still leave.
Could still realize what Jensen had learned about himself weeks ago. That he was sick, twisted somehow, wrong.
And last night? Jensen had crossed the line and had kissed him. A step he could never take back, never undo. Jared had been so close, holding him like he was trying to protect him, like he loved him and it had been all too much. His desperation had reached a level where he had lost all control.
He had kissed Jared. And now, with everything Jared now knew, about the love Jensen felt for him and about the blood they shared, it could be only a matter of minutes until Jared would feel the disgust, the horror, and he would turn away. He would leave.
Jensen couldn’t tell the exact day in his life when the thought of Jared leaving in any way got unbearable. And he was too far gone and too broken to care about how vulnerable and maybe even pathetic he made himself by loving someone as much as he loved Jared.
It was quiet out there. Really quiet, all the sounds muffled by the trees and the wind and Jensen just kept on walking, losing track of time, until he got the first right intakes of breath, filling his lungs with oxygen and the deep breaths made the tears fall quietly.
He had kept himself together for so long, he just couldn’t keep on doing that anymore.
He.just.broke.
Silent, for himself. Down on his knees on that path in the middle of the woods somewhere in Texas.
And when his legs were starting to feel strong again and his heart had calmed to a slow and healthy rhythm, Jensen knew that he had ridden out the worst part. And now he had to turn back and find the strength to face Jared although all Jensen wanted to do was run away from him.
And when he would get back to him, Jared, always having to express himself physically, would either punch or hug him. And Jensen couldn’t tell which of Jared’s responses he was more afraid of.
***
Thirtytwo minutes. Jensen was gone for thirtytwo minutes when Jared admitted to himself that he was the worst friend ever. In the history of ever. And that he was this close to full on panicking and running off into the woods in order to find his friend and maybe getting lost and starving to death.
It was then when he saw Jensen walking towards him.
Both men were silent, their eyes locked and their faces serious.
Jared couldn’t tell what had happened to Jensen during the last thirtytwo minutes but somehow he was better, maybe even stronger and the sudden loss of the burden on Jared’s shoulders was gone so apruptly that his body almost lost its balance.
When Jensen was close enough, Jared’s punch hit him hard on his jaw.
"I guess I deserve that," Jensen mumbled, rubbing his face.
"Damn well, you do." Jared didn’t give his friend another second, he just pulled him into a tight hug, not planning on letting go anytime soon.
"I thought, you were going to drop dead any second," Jared whispered in Jensen’s hair. "I thought that the police would knock on your door and lock you away for the next twenty years. I thought about every worst scenario there is, man."
Jensen didn’t fight the embrace for long, he just let himself fall against Jared’s body; Jared taking all his weight.
"I was so scared," Jared admitted, his voice breaking at the last word.
"I’m sorry." Jensen had his eyes closed and his face buried against Jared’s shoulder. "God, Jay, I’m so sorry. I can’t even ... ."
"Then don’t." Jared interrupted him. "Because I cannot think of another way to make clear to you that I’m okay with it. That just because I’m not in love with you doesn’t mean that I don’t love you at all and doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you and, God, why don’t you just let me be there for you!"
"Why are you not freaking out?" Jensen asked in that quiet disbelieving voice of his. His position hadn’t changed, his eyes were still closed and his lips pressed against Jared’s shoulder as he spoke.
"After what I did ... last night?" Jensen continued, but he didn’t make any effort to get away from Jared and Jared hoped that he was finally getting through to his friend. "After what I told you in the car. And now that you know ... who we are?"
Jared just pulled him closer.
"You didn’t know," he whispered, not louder than Jensen was talking. "You can’t choose who you love, man. You can’t. And we don’t even know if we’re really related. I mean, what a coincidence would that be? I won’t believe it until we have proof."
He held Jensen at arms length and forced him to meet his eyes. "And if it is true, you still didn’t know. You still didn’t choose to love me, okay?"
"That’s it?" Jensen frowned. "I didn’t know? I didn’t choose? So everything’s okay now? It doesn’t matter. It’s that easy?"
Jared wrapped his arms around his friend again. The close contact felt right. Even after everything it felt like the only right thing to do. "No, not easy Jen. And of course it matters. It’s love. Love always matters. I’m not making this anything less than it is. But I’m not making it any more either."
He felt Jensen’s heartbeat against his own chest. The man was strong and grounded but all his weight was resting against Jared now and Jared couldn’t help but think that this was how it was supposed to be. That he should be the one being able to steady Jensen when Jensen wasn’t capable of doing it himself.
"I haven’t changed. This is what you’ve feared, isn’t it? That I would turn away from you?" He didn’t need to look down at his friend to know the answer. "But I’m still here and I’m still your best friend. If you just let me, if you just goddamn let me."
***
"Mom, where’s my toothbrush?!"
"Stop yelling in a house that’s not yours, Meg!" Jeff slapped his sister a little harder than gently on her head and made a quick run down the stairs when she tried to return it.
"I don’t know, sweetie," came Sherry’s reply from somewhere near the kitchen down on the ground floor. "You gave me your vanity bag and I put it in the car. If you put it in, it has to be there somwhere."
"But it isn’t!" Meg yelled back in frustration but was never heard when Jeff and his wife came back up the stairs, arguing.
"You said you would get the diapers bag," Jeff’s wife stated but Jeff shook his head determinedly.
"I never said that. You always take care of the diapers bag, why would I suddenly start with it?"
"You said it. So I didn’t pack it. ‘Cause I thought you would pack it, like you said you would."
The two passed Jared who was leaning against the door, grinning at what he saw.
"Dude, where’s the foot pump for the airmattress?" Josh came out of Mackenzie’s room, directing his question at Jensen who had just left the bathroom. "Dad said it’s in the garage and Momma said in Mackenzie’s drawer but I can’t find anything."
Jensen just shrugged at his brother. "How the hell would I know? I don’t live here."
Josh threw his arms in the air. "Yeah, me either. And why do I have to look for that thing when it’s Jared who’s gonna need it?"
"’Cause you’re a polite person," Jensen deadpanned. "And Momma told you so."
Josh rolled his eyes, turned and walked away to god knows where and Jared started laughing so hard that Jensen turned to him with an eyebrow raised.
"What’s so damn funny?"
"Dude, we’re the MacAlistairs," Jared explained and his laughter was echoing in the hall upstairs. "We’re stuck in ‘Home Alone’ and I bet if I would go down to the front door, there’s gonna be a thief dressed as a cop checking our security systems."
"Okay, Kevin," Megan stated, suddenly appearing next to the boys holding the foot pump and handing it over to Jared.
"Maybe poor Josh needs real good glasses for Christmas," she suggested to Jensen. "It was in the drawer in Mac’s room. And it’s not exactly small."
She walked back to Mackenzie’s room, almost being run over by Jeff, who hurried in Jared’s direction. "I need my car keys, JT. Gotta go buy some diapers. Jeez, I hope I will find a shop open this late."
Jared handed the keys back to his brother, still laughing, and now Jensen joined him.
It was good to hear him laughing, better than Jared thought it would be hearing him like that again. Damn, it had been a long time.
"Let’s escape this," Jared said, already opening the door to Jensen’s old room.
The Ackles had a big house. But having two families sleeping there turned out to be a little chaotic. Jeff, his wife and the baby had gotten the only real guest room. Jared’s parents were sleeping in Josh’s old room, while he was sleeping on the couch in the living room. Megan shared the room with Mackenzie, who had a small couch but big enough for Jensen’s sister to sleep there one night. So Jared had ended up on an airmattress in Jensen’s old room. The first more to the fact that he had lost the rock-paper-scissors to Jensen, than to the lack of Jensen’s hospitality. He had insisted on Jared taking the bed and Jared had insisted on deciding over the game who would get it and so he had ended up pumping up the airmattress.
The door was closed and both men could hear their families talking, yelling and laughing outside. Jensen, not being able to help, sat on his bed unconsciously pressing Jared’s bedding to his chest.
"What?" Jared looked up through his bangs, eyeing his friend with a shy smile. He felt a little weird when Jensen watched him so openly.
"I can’t believe you’re still here," Jensen whispered, then took a deep breath and glanced away.
Jared hesitated, than decided on letting this go for now.
***
It was just close after midnight but the house had gone quiet and had been replaced with a warm, fuzzy silence that made Jared feel like home.
He could hear Jensen breathing evenly on the bed but knew the other man wasn’t sleeping yet and before he could give it another thought, Jared crawled on top of the bed, searching out Jensen’s hand, and when he found it, he grabbed it and tugged it close to his heart.
"Jared, what are you doing?" came Jensen startled and breathless voice.
"Sshhh." Jared waited until he could feel Jensen relax beside him.
"Jay?"
"You’re still hurting," Jared said with a low voice.
"And you think crawling into my bed and holding my hand would be a way to help?"
"It’s the only way I know," Jared admitted sheepishly.
"Don’t you think today we had enough of truth and confession and caring-sharing talk to cover a year?"
Jared smiled at Jensen’s attempt to sound like Dean. "Dude, shut up," he chuckled, but turned serious once again. "I’ve been trying to get through to you for weeks now. I have to get all that out in the open and into your head before you decide on closing up on me again."
Jensen didn’t reply, but Jared could feel him giving in.
"I need to ask you two very important questions," Jared began. "And I need, I absolutely need a true answer from you. Okay?"
"Okay."
Jared could hear Jensen nod in the dark; the movement creating rustling on the pillow.
"Does it hurt you when I’m ... so close?"
There was a heartbeat of panicked silence, before Jensen answered.
"It hurts more when you’re not."
Jared froze for a second, overwhelmed by the honesty of the confession, then his lips spread into a wide grin. "You so didn’t want to say that out loud," Jared teased his friend.
"Shut up," came the muffled reply.
"Okay, my other question," Jared continued, still trying not to laugh out loud. "Uhm, do you ... uhm, is it okay for you ... , when I’m this close, is it okay for you, uhm, physically?"
"Dude?" Jensen replied, hints of anger in his voice, "You did not just asked me if I wanna jump you everytime you’re not farther away than a few inches!"
"Uhm, yeah?" Jared chuckled, a little embaressed. "Come on, I have to ask."
"Dude, I’m not fifteen, thank you very much!" Jensen hissed. But then he sighed deeply, clearly understanding the serious motive for Jared to ask.
"Jay, I mean it when I say it’s okay for me to be around you. When I ... , I fell in love with a guy I knew I could never ... have. It never has been ... . It never was really an issue. Most of the times it really is okay. You’re friendship means way more to me than that. And you mean way more to me than just ... how I feel physically."
Although Jared could not see it in the dark he could tell that Jensen was blushing furiously.
"Okay, then." Jared squeezed the hand he was pressing against his heart. "You have no more excuses. You stop pretending around me, okay?"
Jared moved a few inches closer. He needed to make this clear to Jensen, make him really understand.
"I don’t want you to act around me, okay? You don’t need to hide what you feel. If you wanna say some stupid, schmoopy things, then say them. If you wanna touch me, do it. Nothing inappropiate though," he added giggling as he felt Jensen tense.
"I just can’t stand the thought that you can’t be who you are around me. So stop hiding, stop pretending, please, for me. If I ever get ... too much, then just tell me, okay?"
Jensen replied after a long silence. "Okay."
Jared exhaled deeply. Relief washed over him and he had to physically stop himself from pulling Jensen into a hug again. Here on this bed, that would have fallen under too much.
"Stop running from me, okay?" This time it wasn’t really question.
And as a response, Jensen took their joined hands and pressed them against his own heart instead.
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