Ties Chapter 11
Chapter 11~ After the Ball
Hermione woke in the inky blackness of Severus’ room for the second night in a row. Instantly knowing where she was, there were a few noticeable differences this time, most notably their state of undress. Severus’ body was curled around hers as if seeking to create the greatest amount of skin contact. It was deliciously warm and cozy, but the hand clasping her breast possessively unsettled her a little. Shifting slightly, she felt soreness between her legs. Carefully trying to wiggle away from his grasp, she felt the tug of strong arms pulling her back. Sleepily, Severus mumbled, "Where are you going?"
"The loo," she hissed back at him.
The arms that had been holding her in place loosened their grip, and she slipped out of bed. Fumbling around in the dark, Hermione realized that her wand was still in the bathroom with the rest of her clothes. Cursing softly, she bumped her toes on what must have been the corner of the dresser. The sound of bedsprings groaning under a shifting weight preceded the soft slap of feet on stone floor. An arm came around her, and she was guided unerringly out the door and into the bathroom. When the door opened, a few candles lit themselves and Severus shielded his eyes against the light. "There you are."
"Thank you," she said quietly. She went over to the large sunken bath and began to run water into it. Soon large white bubbles were brimming at the top and she turned off the tap before easing herself into the steaming water. Only the sound of popping bubbles could be heard in the dimly lit room. Hermione was very aware that Severus had not left the room and was watching her closely. She didn’t hear him approach and was startled to hear his voice so close behind her.
"Do I need an invitation to join you this time?" he asked softly.
"No."
The water shifted as he slipped in beside her. He leaned his head back and stretched out fully in the small pool, closing his eyes and humming with contentment. Seeing him relax completely, she too eased back and enjoyed the hot water as it soaked her soreness away. It was peaceful lying there, watching the candles flicker and dance in the darkness. Under the water a hand found hers and gave a small squeeze. She sat up and looked at him. His black eyes were peering back at her with a questioning look.
"How do you feel?" his voice tender and barely audible.
She looked away, "Alright I suppose. Just a little sore."
"I have a potion to help with that." he told her.
"You needn’t trouble yourself. I’ll be fine," she said, but he had already moved out of the tub and over to the cupboard by the sink. Returning, he carried a small green flask.
"Drink this. I’m afraid it tastes dreadful, but it’s effective." he informed her, handing over the flask.
Hermione downed the contents and pulled a face, "Wretched."
Severus smirked, "You have a promising future as a potions degustier."
She gave a humourless snort and turned away. She could feel the potion rapidly working its way through her system. The stiffness in her legs and the mild burning sensation vanished, but part of her didn’t feel right. After a minute, it became apparent that whatever it was she was feeling wasn’t going to be put to rights by this potion. Fishing around in the water she found a washcloth and began to wash herself methodically. Starting with her face, she worked her way down her front and between her legs, removing what was left of her virginal blood. The feeling of unease continued and she furrowed her brow in concern. ‘Was this something that could feel right again,’ she wondered.
Looking into the dark room she thought about going home. In the time she had lay awake, trapped in Severus’ grip, she had decided to return home in the morning. There was no reason to stay longer at Hogwarts. She closed her eyes and tried to imagine seeing her mother again. For some reason it seemed so long since they had last been together, but in reality it had only been a week. So much had happened in that week. Would her mother be able to tell something had happened? Would her mother somehow know she had slept in a man’s bed?
Ginny Weasley said she couldn’t keep secrets from her mother. Molly could always tell something was bothering her only girl and usually guessed what it was. But Hermione felt different about her own mother, after all, she barely knew anything of her daughter’s life. In that moment, Hermione regretted their separation. The bond between a mother and daughter was special, yet she had found it all to easy to forget since their lives had become as different as if they lived in different countries, speaking different languages.
Lost in thought, Hermione didn’t notice Severus watching her intently. She almost didn’t hear him when he asked, "Is something wrong?"
"What?"
"Something is bothering you. What is it?"
She felt flustered, "No... Nothing... I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong."
His face drew into a harsh expression, "I’m not sure if I should be insulted or hurt because you are lying to me. I know you are well aware that I have studied Legilimency extensively, and though I wouldn’t actively seek something in your mind, it isn’t something you can just turn off. I always know when I am being lied to. If you don’t want to tell me something, a simple ‘I do not wish to discuss the matter,’ would suffice."
Hermione turned her back and clutched her knees to her chest. "I don’t want to talk. Don’t bother me."
"Would you like me to leave?" he asked.
"I want to be alone. Go!" she said more harshly than she had intended.
The bathwater swayed around her as he stood and began to exit the tub. With a brief glance back he saw a tear leak out of the corner of her eye. He turned back to her and touched her shoulder and she lashed out at him. "Don’t touch me!"
"Is it the potion? Did it not work?" he asked, but she didn’t answer him.
A surge of anger began to grow inside him. "Tell me, is the potion not working properly? As much as I’m loathe to admit it, I do make mistakes. If the bottle was mislabeled or the potion stale, I need to know."
She still didn’t respond or look at him. He grabbed her arm and made her face him. "Are you having a reaction? Do your limbs feel numb? Take a deep breath."
Her eyes flashed with sudden anger and she yanked her arm from his grasp. "I’m fine!" she yelled. "Can’t you just leave me alone."
Hermione felt silly as the irrational part of her took control and started crying. She wasn’t even certain why, but she wished he would leave. All of her calm reserve over the past days began to come unglued and she pounded her fist against the water. "Just leave me be."
There was a long silence, and when Severus spoke again his voice was stiff, but the anger had left it. "I apologise for my harsh words. They were uncalled for." He took a deep breath and continued in a softer tone. "If the potion was effective, then obviously something else is troubling you. I would not pry, but I’m under the impression it has something to do with me if you’ll forgive the assumption. We can dry off and discuss it or I can take you back to your rooms. Either way, the bath is not the place."
She nodded reluctantly and followed him out of the water. She wrapped herself tightly in a fluffy towel and returned to the bedroom with Severus. She made sure to grab her wand from the discarded clothes and went ahead of him, not wanting to show that more tears were spilling down her cheeks. The emotions crashing about inside her were frustrating. They were irrational, without logic, and she was an eminently logical person. She was so wrapped up in her emotional turmoil, she didn’t see Severus’ own troubled expression.
In the bedroom, she lit a number of candles and sat down on the bed, making sure to keep a bit of space between them. She wasn’t sure what to say to him. She wasn’t even sure what it was she was feeling herself, but she was certain he would coax it out of her.
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly before beginning. "Reality caught up, didn’t it?"
She nodded, but didn’t say anything.
"I knew it would. It caught up to me this afternoon when you drank the birth control potion. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. It was never my intention."
"You haven’t," she whispered. "I don’t know what is wrong, but I’m not in pain. I just don’t feel like myself. I don’t feel right. I wish I could stop crying. I have no idea why I am."
He reached a hand towards her, but stopped short and pulled it back. "Perhaps you aren’t in pain, but you’re upset. Everything seems to have conspired against us. This was too quick, but there was no way around that I suppose. At least now you can go back to despising the most hated professor in the school."
She knuckled tears out of her eyes and smiled weakly. "I don’t hate you. I’m angry with a lot of people from the Ministry right down to myself, but I don’t hate you."
"Angry with yourself?"
"For not anticipating the difference. I feel different, but I don’t expect that’s all that unusual. I should have known better, and there is no excuse to get angry with you. I doubt there is any potion that can change how I feel." she spoke in a low voice.
Severus looked closely at her, unsure if he should ask his next question. "What do you feel?"
She sighed, "I’m not certain I have the proper words to tell you. I feel exposed and weak and... scared and alone all mixed together. I don’t have a good explanation for why I feel any of these things, but I do." She hung her head sadly, "I feel like I’m eleven and walking into the Leaky Cauldron for the first time."
He smiled a little at that comment. "I can understand that. Would you like me to take you back to your room?"
She shook her head. "It’s late. I’d just like a few minutes to myself, I think."
Severus stood up and rummaged around in his dresser for something. A minute later he emerged triumphant with a flannel pyjama shirt which he gave to her. "Go and take a few minutes while I straighten up in here."
When his stomach growled loudly, he added, "And since we missed dinner, perhaps a bite before going back to sleep wouldn’t go astray. Does that sound alright?"
Hermione nodded and went back to the bathroom. After washing her face with cold water and putting on the soft, overlarge shirt, she felt better. Still not herself, but better. Looking around the room, she could see it needed straightening as well. She gathered the wet towels and drained the water in the bath. After sitting on the bench for a few minutes collecting herself, she felt ready to face Severus again. Her emotions were still bouncing about close to the surface, but after at least attempting to verbalize them she felt some relief.
Back in the bedroom, Severus had changed the sheets and remade the bed before going to the dining room to retrieve tea and finger sandwiches. He was now attired in the bottom half of the pyjamas he had given Hermione to wear.
When Hermione came back, she felt much calmer and looked settled. Sitting together, she shared stories about growing up in a Muggle family and the funny things her magic would do every now and then. The tales were mostly funny, and they laughed together, beginning to feel much more comfortable again.
Later, when Severus took the tea tray to be sent back to the kitchens, she pulled back the covers and eased in. She wondered if sleep would come easy to her tonight. Severus stood in the doorway and watched her settle in under the blankets. She looked up when the door closed and he raised an eyebrow at her, "You look quite at home. Comfortable?"
She nodded, "Yes. Though I admit, I don’t normally sleep well in any bed but my own at home, this one does seem satisfactory."
He smirked and settled himself under the quilts beside her. He spoke sarcastically, "I’m pleased you find my accommodations adequate. Lights out?"
"Go ahead. Perhaps I’ll write a review and publish it with other ‘places to stay’ in Hogsmeade." she joked.
When the room went dark, she stopped talking and burrowed into her pillow. For a few minutes, they both shifted, rustling the sheets, trying to find an agreeable way to sleep. In the end, Severus found himself spooning against Hermione the way he had previously. When she didn’t object, he quietly whispered, "Goodnight."
Hermione felt safe, wrapped in the blanket of night, and didn’t protest the contact of their sleeping arrangements. In the darkness she whispered back, "G’night."
For some time, Severus remained awake, listening to the steady breathing of his sleeping wife. So much for uncomplicated, he mused. He thought he had a notion of what she had been talking about when she said she didn’t feel quite like herself, didn’t feel right. It had been years since he had first laid with a woman, and there had been no pretense of friendship or otherwise, only a physical release for them both. Still, he had felt different the next day, as if he knew the answer to a powerful secret that was now emptied of its mystery. It hadn’t been great, first times rarely ever were, but in a way it was the crossing of the threshold into adulthood.
What he hadn’t realized at the time was just how empty the event had been. He couldn’t even remember the woman’s name anymore. Linda? Lydia? Laura? It didn’t matter then and it certainly didn’t matter now. Now, in the dark, he could see the pained expression Hermione had made when he first entered her. His body remembered hers stiffening beneath him, as with each thrust he caused her pain. His hands could feel her soft breast in his palm and the slickness of the various fluids between her legs as he stroked her to her own completion. Severus knew that this evening would be forever etched into his mind, both the pleasure and the pain. This would be the last woman he ever slept with, the last time, and it was not an empty event. Somehow it mattered to him in a way he had never anticipated.
He wasn’t so foolish as to think there was any love involved. Hermione was his wife now, and he was concerned for her well being of course, but with the marriage contract now complete he knew they would have little to do with each other now. Soon, probably tomorrow she would return to her home and muggle family and he would return to his research and teaching. When the Hogwarts Express brought her back to the castle on September first, they would be teacher and student again. Perhaps then it would be uncomplicated, just as Hermione had wanted.
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Chapter 10
Chapter 12