[rome]
Title: Move On
ID: [rome]
Word count: 4,300
Character(s) or pairing(s): Tezuka Kunimitsu / Fuji Shuusuke, Oishi Shuuichirou / Kikumaru Eiji, various Seigaku ensemble / OCs
I never really meant to give tennis up, it just happened somewhere along the way as I climbed through high school. I don’t know what caused it; maybe too many things to do at once. Maybe it was just that I just didn’t feel the pressure any more, maybe I just wanted to try something else, something new. Maybe it just was the fact that we didn’t have Echizen to fall back on any more, no matter how hard it was for me to admit to that. I didn’t want to feel like our team’s success rested on his small shoulders alone, everyone I knew had fought together to claim that spot in the Junior National Championships. I had fought, pulled out everything I had inside me and even more. Tezuka had given everything, absolutely everything, and his own health as well, to bring us to the top. Eiji and Oishi had worked together through obstacles and hardships, honing their relationship until it was beyond perfected, and they had won. Taka-san had won over himself as much as he had won over Ishida Gin in that final game towards Shitenhouji. Kaidou and Momo had found an odd sort of understanding, and that had made them victorious in the end. Inui had probably endangered his health for life, pushing himself to his own limits and well past them as he played against Yanagi and Kirihara. Everyone had done their part… But of course we hadn’t managed to get that far if we hadn’t had Echizen to cheer us on in his own, special little way that could drive you up the walls at times, but that somehow always seemed to bring out the very best in all of us.
Still, in spite of all of that, in spite of that final year in Junior High for so many of us, that meant the world and more, at least that was how it seemed back then, in spite of that we were a lot of people who hadn’t continued with tennis when all was said and done. The only ones I kept somewhat in contact with were Eiji - whom I knew had given tennis up completely. He had, somewhere during the time in high school, realized that if he didn’t focus on his studies now, he’d never have a chance to get into the university he wanted, which meant that club activities had to take a back seat. And when things calmed down for him, he just didn’t find the motivation to continue - and Taka-san, yet another person I knew had given up on tennis completely. This wasn’t a surprise to anyone, really. He had made it clear early on that he would focus on the sushi restaurant as soon as he was out of junior high, and he had made true of his words.
I wasn’t a hard worker, I had never been one, and I never thought I’d ever really become one either. I didn’t have big plans, I didn’t plan to make it big, I didn’t have that one big dream to chase after, my ambition was simply lacking. So basically I could have all the time in the world to focus on the tennis, and yet I somehow didn’t. All I did was breeze through high school, doing nothing that I was supposed to be doing, like flirting with the girls - or boys - getting drunk, taking drugs to keep up with the studies, spend far too long at the karaoke joints instead of studying… Instead I locked myself up at home, crammed as much information into my head as I could and passed the classes with flying colours… Only to drop out a few weeks before graduation. I don’t know why I did that either. Maybe it was just some sort of whim. Dad was furious with me of course, mom all but disowned me, Yumiko wondered if I had lost my mind completely… And Yuuta pretty much just stared at me. And stared. And stared some more. It didn’t make me change my mind however. I just didn’t want to finish high school, didn’t want to be placed into a roles that didn’t fit me, the role of the obedient son, the good student, the brilliant sportsman. Being what others expected of me wasn’t something I wanted to do, and I came to the decision that I had to shape my life on my own if I wanted to succeed with anything that I thought was worth my while, or I’d just lose myself somewhere along the way. I didn’t want to do that. I’m not sure what happened that summer, 1999, when I was in my third year of junior high, but something was it. Maybe it, after all was said and done, really was Echizen that happened.
I still remember that day when I was in my second year of high school. September 11th, 2001. I remember staring at the news, unable to really understand what it was I was seeing. Unable for it to really click in my head that Echizen must have been there. Somewhere. At least in New York, since well… He lived in New York. And he must have been in school, or something, and he was that close to something as horrible as that, and knowing Echizen, he’d probably try and do something heroic like trying to save the day, trying to do something, trying to get to Ground Zero. I only waited for the news to tell me that the world’s greatest tennis hope had his entire career and future crushed by a pile of smoking debris… But it never happened. A few days later Oishi got a call from Tezuka, and Oishi mailed everyone, telling us that Echizen had called Tezuka, telling him that he was all right. With Tezuka far away in Germany, and Echizen in a shocked, chaotic New York, I found that I missed both of them more than ever. But I never got myself to mail either one of them, even though I easily could have asked Oishi for their mail addresses. He kept a close watch on everyone, their numbers, addresses, everything, because it was just the way Oishi was. And we all loved him for it.
After I dropped out of school, I longed for a work that was easy, but didn’t require me to meet a lot of people that I had to talk to, I liked it more to surround myself with people I could watch, not interact with. So working part time as a small pachinko hall sounded like a good idea. The work was stressful, emptying this, clean that, but it filled the need I had to study people. I can’t say I liked it there, but I didn’t hate it either, even if Yumiko quickly came to the conclusion that I could do something much better with my life, that I deserved better. During this time I got myself a brother-in-law, as Yumiko married, and I and Yuuta soon became uncles to two endearing twin girls, Arisa and Karen. Yumiko was stubborn, and she didn’t want her daughters to be named something too common, something that ended with ‘ko’. Her husband just had to bend to her will, something Yuuta and I had discovered a long time ago was for the best.
I soon found out that taking care of my nieces was something that gave me almost as much pleasure as tennis had done before. I loved to see them toddle over to me, calling me Syusyu, loved to see them play around and get dirt or food across their faces and the way those small faces wrinkled in annoyance as I tried to wipe them clean, loved to play nursery rhymes with them. It was a good time, and thinking back, I miss it.
Christmas 2004 and the world shook. Personally I’ve never been to Thailand, but my family has been in Indonesia a lot of times over the years. It was just so unbelievable, so difficult to wrap my mind around the magnitude of the catastrophe, but there we were. And the world changed yet again, just as it had changed on 9/11. It was odd, I thought, the 21st century was still a babe, but the events she had suffered were large enough to cover a lifetime.
The years rolled on and on, as they usually do. It was January 13th, 2006. Friday the 13th. I must have been 22, or about to turn 22 anyway. I was dating this girl, Nabiki. She reminded me a lot about Tezuka. Same seriousness. Same stubbornness. Same never say die attitude. But where he was hard and masculine and tall, she was frail looking, small, feminine. Long hair, small face, small chest, narrow hips, but somehow she managed to not look boyish. I wasn’t sure if I viewed that as a problem or not, I’m not sure if I would have preferred her to look boyish. Since I was pretty sure I was only dating her for the sole reason that she reminded me of Tezuka. Not a very nice thing to do, and a part of him wanted to break up with her because of that, but something about her eyes drew me in and I never really managed to say those words I should have said. Had we broken up earlier, the accident would never have happened.
The accident.
It was Friday the 13th, January 2006. I was walking down the street together with Nabiki. We were talking about this and that and she wondered if I liked the Christmas gift she had given me and I told her that yes, I loved it, and I did, even if it was only a small little hand knit pouch, just big enough for me to keep my cell phone in it. I remember that I had told her that I didn’t really feel motivated to buy myself a cell phone case, and that was why she had knitted this to me. I loved it because I had mentioned it to her somewhere in June or July and she still remembered it. That was another thing she had in common with Tezuka, I figured. She never let anything go, once she had found out about it. My Christmas gift to her had been a little bit different. I had asked her out for dinner, paid everything… and then I had given her a small engagement ring. Even though I was considering leaving her, I still wanted to be with her, so the gesture, even though it might seem unselfish and romantic, was really just a way for me to prove to myself that this was the girl I was intended to spend the rest of my life with.
She had said no.
She had said that she was far too young, that she wanted to at least start of her career before she made the decision. She wanted to be a police officer, and she studied hard, very hard, to achieve that goal. And me? I was still working at the pachinko hall, with no real thought of leaving anytime soon.
As we walked there, the conversation topic changed from our Christmas gifts to the fact that I wanted us to get married - even though I was still harbouring doubts inside my heart - and that she was too much for me to handle sometimes, she was too serious, to focused… And of course we started an argument. Thinking back, I’m not sure why I wanted to push her, wanted to see how much her dreams really meant to her. Maybe it was just a way for me to prove to myself just how pathetic I was, how much motivation I lacked, and that she probably would be better off without me. Whatever the reason was, we did fight, and in the end she stomped off. Right out into the street. It was the first time I’ve ever seen her do anything reckless, and even though I was still upset at her, I quickly followed her and threw her out of the way. I saw the high lights of a car approaching me far too fast… And then I didn’t know anything else, until I came to in the hospital. I saw Yumiko and Yuuta and mom and dad and Nabiki and they all looked distraught. I later learned that the driver had had no chance at all to stop in time, even if he had hit the breaks with all his might.
After the accident, Nabiki vanished from my life. That time at the hospital was the last time I saw her. After the accident, I never got back to work either. I just couldn’t. I made a habit of lingering around the place where the accident had happened. I could sit there for hours on end, reliving the fight we had and the way she had looked before I threw her out of the way, the screeching of the tires before the car hit and everything became black… Yumiko said that I should let it go. She said I had to put this behind me, learn to move on. I really didn’t want to, or maybe I wasn’t just able to. It had taken so much from me, that accident. Nabiki… My work… And after the accident it seemed impossible for me to get a good, restful full night’s sleep. I shrank away from the rest of the family; the only one I talked to was Yumiko. The rest of the family made no real attempt to talk to me either, but sometimes I could find myself watching Yuuta, wanting to talk to him, reach out to him… But I just couldn’t find the right words.
Again the years rolled by, one by one. Three years later and then it was 2009. Ten years since I left junior high. And that was when the letter came from Oishi. I was together with Eiji when he got his letter, and he opened it while I was there. The letter was an invitation to a reunion. The old team. Oishi had managed to get a hold of everyone it seemed, and everyone could pull themselves free. Eiji was really excited about it, and I figured that why not? I could go. It would be good to see everyone else again.
Arrangements were made, and one bright and sunny spring afternoon, the whole gang was finally back together again. Inui, tall and pale, in a slick business suit, Tezuka, tanned, tall and breathtakingly gorgeous, Taka-san was apparently a proud father of three by now - really, three kids, and he was only twenty-five - and happily married, Oishi with unexpectedly long hair and something nervous about him. I guessed it was the stress of studying to a physician, as I figured the workload was rather daunting… Eiji looked fresh and suntanned and lively, Echizen was taller now, with the confidence that came with knowing that at least two thirds of the world knew your name by now, Momo looked adorable and awkward as he presented to us his girlfriend, and the poor girl looked as awkward as he did. Apparently they had met when he was on his way home from tennis practice and she had just escaped a crowded yaoi convent. A tennis geek and a yaoi fangirl, and apparently their shared geekiness had made something click between them. Kaidou was tall, brooding and with a little boy on his shoulder, and the first thing I heard the boy utter was a very shy ‘fushuu’. Adorable beyond words, really.
After dinner and some small talk, it was finally time for everyone to spill their beans, to tell people what they had been up to over the years. Eiji, of course, was the one who suggested it, and it was also Eiji who started telling his story, and the rest of us listened with curiosity apparent on almost everybody’s faces. Tezuka, of course, was as unreadable as ever.
Eiji told everyone that him focusing on his studies during high school had paid off and that he now was finishing up his animal trainer education. Once finished, he had already a job waiting for him as a caretaker at one of the zoo parks in the outskirts of Tokyo. Everyone wished him good luck with that, and he looked very happy, beaming from ear to ear. He was apparently single, but he glanced over at Oishi every once in a while, and something told me there was still something going on between them, maybe it had been dormant for a while, but it had flared up again as they met face to face like this. I couldn’t be happier for them if things would happen to work out between them. Eiji finished his little speech with raising his glass in a toast, and glasses chimed against each other as a collective ‘cheers’ erupted from us.
Next up was Kaidou, mostly because Eiji turned the ball over to him. The little boy left his chair to cling up in his father’s lap, and with his arms around the boy Kaidou told us that he was working part time in a pet store, but that his main focus still was tennis. He wasn’t married, and the child wasn’t something he had planned at all, but as one thing had led to another with some girl, and the girl didn’t have the financial means to care for the boy on her own, he had offered right of the bat to help as much as he could. Kaidou had always loved kids, so it wasn’t all that surprising. He told us that he was still seeing the girl from time to time, but mostly because they had to discuss the boy and this or that financial problem that popped up here and there.
Momo kept his life’s story short. He was working as a tennis coach at an elementary school, he lived happily with his girlfriend and they had no plans on getting kids any time soon. She was busy trying to balance a work in a convenient store and working with doujinshi on the side, and Momo said that he got all the kids he needed with his job in the school.
Inui was next, and he talked happily about this and that invention he had made, and this and that discovery he had made, and I don’t think we were all that many that really understood what he was talking about. He worked for the government, that was all he wanted, or could tell us about his work, and he informed us that he was living with Yanagi Renji and had been for a couple of years. After a bit of an awkward silence from some of the people at the table, everyone, except Tezuka of course, who only gave a small nod, went out of their way to congratulate him. In a but more subdued tone, Inui told us that he had been unable to continue with tennis, due to the injuries he had sustained during that fateful final game between him, Kaidou, Yanagi and Kirihara.
After the contemplative silence that followed, Echizen spoke up. Of course he hadn’t stopped playing tennis. In fact, he had won the Grand Slam four years in a row, and was now aiming for the fifth year. Everyone told him that of course he’d be able to make it, even though he had some fierce competition to battle against. He hadn’t had time to focus on some more serious relationships, but he didn’t seem too upset over that fact. As he told us, one night stands were more than enough, and far less complicated and exhausting than a proper relationship would be. Coming from one that had never truly dated of course, and as such probably didn’t really know what he was talking about, as Eiji ever so friendly pointed out to him. This caused the world’s number one tennis player to blush like a little child, and he muttered something in English as he sat down, and I couldn’t quite make out what it was.
Taka-san told us with a weak smile that his business was doing very well, and that his wasabi sushi was famous throughout entire Japan. He had met his wife during his second year in high school and they had hit it off immediately. At twenty they were already married and expected their first child. The girl was born, and only one year after she got a baby brother. After that the family waited for two years before the next baby came, another boy. One might think that too much time went into taking care of the family and that Taka-san’s business had to be put on the back burner, but somehow he and his wife managed to keep it pretty well balanced. They looked very happy together and it made my heart very warm. I was so happy for him, and I brushed past him, putting my hand on his shoulder to congratulate him.
Oishi’s story wasn’t exactly a happy one, and I could suddenly understand why he looked so nervous; it wasn’t only the pressure from the studies that had him riled up. Apparently his family was a lot more conservative than he had ever thought, and they didn’t take well to when he came out five years ago, when he was twenty. In fact his parents had thrown in him out and forbidden him to ever get in contact with either them or his little sister ever again. This didn’t sit well with either of the siblings, and not so long ago his sister had run away from home. She was now living together with him, and they were trying their best to talk with their parents, to make them reconsider. So far they hadn’t really been successful, and the parents threatened to go to the police and report him for kidnapping her. We were all upset over this, and Eiji quickly left his seat and walked over to Oishi, declaring that he wanted to talk with Oishi’s parents, and if they still wanted to go to the police after that, they had to go through him and his contacts to pull that though. Which of course left us wondering what kind of contacts that could be, but Eiji merely grinned maliciously and refused to say anything else about that. Oishi, looking far from comforted, pulled Eiji away for a moment, and I could see from the corner of my eye that they seemed to have a rather heated conversation about the matter. After a while they came back and as they sat down again, they sat down next to each other and I could see how Eiji squeezed Oishi’s hand reassuringly. Maybe it would work out some way or another… I could only hope that it would.
Tezuka didn’t have much to say. He informed us that he was single, wasn’t looking and that he worked as a tennis coach in Germany. And after that he suggested that we ought to talk about me instead.
And immediately the mood in the restaurant changed, went from rather upbeat, not counting the small incident with Oishi and Eiji, to subdued, heavy. Eiji was the first one to speak and he said that he hadn’t even been sure if he should come because that would mean that the subject of me, Fuji Syuusuke, would pop up sooner or later, and he didn’t know what to say about that. Oishi draped his arm around his shoulder and assured him that he understood, and that he felt the same. He said that he had even started writing an invitation to me as well, before he caught himself and scrapped it. After that, he said, he had been unable to write anything else for hours, he was too busy crying. Echizen said that he still couldn’t believe it, and Kaidou mentioned that the very fact that they couldn’t see me there with them tonight was reason enough to believe, to realize that they would never ever see me again.
Yumiko could see me, Yumiko could talk to me, but then again, Yumiko was special. She had always been. Because that was the only reason as to why she could see me… As I had died in the accident three years ago.
I remember exactly when I realized that I was a ghost. That I was dead. It was in the hospital room and mom and dad and Yuuta fought back their tears, looking down on my still, battered form. It was rather odd looking down at myself like that, as I really didn’t feel dead. Or different. I hadn’t seen the light in the end of the tunnel, hadn’t really felt my spirit leave my body, but here I was.
Something had kept me in this world, and now, at this get together, it finally clicked in my brain… I had wanted to see everyone again, had wanted to see how they were doing now. I silently walked up behind each and every one of them, tracing my transparent hand over their heads, trying my best to soothe the pain they felt, even though I knew there wasn’t really anything I really could do. I could only hope that things would turn out for the best for everyone, especially Tezuka. Because I knew, I knew the reason why he wasn’t looking to find someone new.
I knew because he was still wearing the necklace I gave him the day he had moved to Germany.
I was ready to move on.
END