vampire diaries 4.15
Hilarious recap of the most emotionally crushing scene on this most emotionally crushing of tv shows.
Elena Gilbert: Okay, I’ve come to grips with reality while simultaneously shedding the bounds of sanity! Let’s go ahead and cover up my brother’s death!
Caroline Forbes: Um, my mother’s the Sheriff and Stefan is literally married to the Medical Examiner in real life. This “cover up” is going to be about as hard as convincing Bonnie to murder twelve random people because the ghost of Professor Badtouch told her to.
Stefan Salvatore: I know! We can say a rabid squirrel crashed through the window and tore open Jeremy’s throat, which caused him to fall down the stairs and break his neck!
Elena Gilbert: …Or we could just burn the house down. Look, I’ve got two cans of gasoline and a package of marshmallows already.
The Lady of the Manor: No! Not that beautiful kitchen! Elena, you monster!
Damon Salvatore: Come on Elena! Don’t you know how much a new set’s going to cost?
Elena Gilbert: Let’s have a burn the house party! Bring your own arson! I don’t need an X-Box anymore! My brother’s dead!
Matt Donovan: I could use -
Elena Gilbert: I don’t need this whiskey anymore! Alaric’s dead!
Damon Salvatore: Hey, let’s not -
Elena Gilbert: Unless you want to let Bonnie commit another mass murder in order to unleash every evil creature that ever lived. I’m not willing to do that just to get Jeremy back. Are you willing to do that to see Alaric again?
Damon Salvatore: Well, let’s wait until we see how Cult does before we make any hasty decisions.
Elena Gilbert: My father is dead. My mother is dead. Also, my fake father is dead. And my fake mother is dead. And my aunt slash legal guardian is dead. And my history teacher, who was banging my aunt and sleeping on my couch and way too willing to talk about my sex life and who kinda pretended to be my daddy but how the hell did anyone actually let that happen, well he’s dead, too. And now my brother’s dead! Everybody’s dead! Here’s a fun fact: there’s no more room in the Gilbert family cemetery, because so many fucking people have fucking died in this fucking town in the last six fucking months, and from here on out it’s arson and Jelly beans because I am officially out of shits to give. Look out world, I’ve got a pack of matches and some gas soaked rags! Wheee this is fun! I should have burned this house down ages ago! Let’s burn the high school down next! It’s not like anyone ever goes there anyway! And then we can do Lockwood Estates, where the only thing creepier than the slave cells are the incestuous looks Carol Lockwood gave her son! Hahahahaha! Hahahahaha! Hahahaha -
Stefan Salvatore: Um, Damon? Any time now.
Stand By Me
Elena Gilbert: Okay, I’ve come to grips with reality while simultaneously shedding the bounds of sanity! Let’s go ahead and cover up my brother’s death!
Caroline Forbes: Um, my mother’s the Sheriff and Stefan is literally married to the Medical Examiner in real life. This “cover up” is going to be about as hard as convincing Bonnie to murder twelve random people because the ghost of Professor Badtouch told her to.
Stefan Salvatore: I know! We can say a rabid squirrel crashed through the window and tore open Jeremy’s throat, which caused him to fall down the stairs and break his neck!
Elena Gilbert: …Or we could just burn the house down. Look, I’ve got two cans of gasoline and a package of marshmallows already.
The Lady of the Manor: No! Not that beautiful kitchen! Elena, you monster!
Damon Salvatore: Come on Elena! Don’t you know how much a new set’s going to cost?
Elena Gilbert: Let’s have a burn the house party! Bring your own arson! I don’t need an X-Box anymore! My brother’s dead!
Matt Donovan: I could use -
Elena Gilbert: I don’t need this whiskey anymore! Alaric’s dead!
Damon Salvatore: Hey, let’s not -
Elena Gilbert: Unless you want to let Bonnie commit another mass murder in order to unleash every evil creature that ever lived. I’m not willing to do that just to get Jeremy back. Are you willing to do that to see Alaric again?
Damon Salvatore: Well, let’s wait until we see how Cult does before we make any hasty decisions.
Elena Gilbert: My father is dead. My mother is dead. Also, my fake father is dead. And my fake mother is dead. And my aunt slash legal guardian is dead. And my history teacher, who was banging my aunt and sleeping on my couch and way too willing to talk about my sex life and who kinda pretended to be my daddy but how the hell did anyone actually let that happen, well he’s dead, too. And now my brother’s dead! Everybody’s dead! Here’s a fun fact: there’s no more room in the Gilbert family cemetery, because so many fucking people have fucking died in this fucking town in the last six fucking months, and from here on out it’s arson and Jelly beans because I am officially out of shits to give. Look out world, I’ve got a pack of matches and some gas soaked rags! Wheee this is fun! I should have burned this house down ages ago! Let’s burn the high school down next! It’s not like anyone ever goes there anyway! And then we can do Lockwood Estates, where the only thing creepier than the slave cells are the incestuous looks Carol Lockwood gave her son! Hahahahaha! Hahahahaha! Hahahaha -
Stefan Salvatore: Um, Damon? Any time now.
Stand By Me