Alien Invasion
Title: Alien Invasion
Characters: The Doctor, Jack Harkness, Donna Noble, Wilfred Mott
Rating: G
Summary: It’s aliens. They’re invading Earth. Well, d'uh. Post-JE
Word Count: 1500
Disclaimer: Still not mine. Dammit.
A/N: They're all a bit OOC. But that's all right as long as it's crackfic, right? Right?
Earth was being invaded. That was nothing new and Torchwood was pretty confident they’d be able to handle it. Unfortunately, their SUV had fallen into one of the holes the aliens had dug and what had once been a spiffing, high-tech alien-hunting machine was now a very expensive heap of crap. Their sleek and shiny mode of transportation gone, Jack called Martha and tried to chat her up. Martha refused his kind offer to join Torchwood - “Jack, I love you. I really do, but sexual harassment is not one of the things I look for in a potential work place.” - but promised to call the Doctor.
The Doctor was footloose and fancy-free at the moment and was only too happy to drop in for a visit. Since he was the Doctor this visit did not include seeing the sights and doing cultural stuff, maybe spending a day at the Tate, or similar touristy things. Instead, Jack dragged him underground and put him in front of a group of blobs to make them go away and invade somewhere else.
The blobs were unfortunately slightly uncooperative in the Invading Somewhere Else department. The Doctor was talking a mile a minute and trying to reason with them but they were unreasonable.
“Wanna invade,” said one of the aliens. Jack had secretly named it Blob 1 because it seemed to be their leader.
“That’s a really bad idea,” the Doctor said. “I’m the Doctor and this planet’s under my protection. I give you this one chance. Stop invading right now. I can take you home.”
“Wanna invade,” Blob 1 repeated stubbornly.
“Now listen here, you can’t just invade.” The Doctor sounded pretty certain of this. Jack wondered if there were rules nobody had told him. Did you have to fill out some paperwork before invading? He hadn’t ever heard of any intergalactic standard procedures for invasions. The Doctor continued, “You can’t undermine their streets. That’s dangerous, that is. People could fall through holes and break something.”
A new voice rang out from the far end of the cavern. It spoke in a clipped, sharp way. It indicated that its owner was very, very pissed off right now. “Oh, so you’re responsible for all the large potholes, are you? Have you any idea what you’ve done?” The voice edged into shrill. “Leaving holes all over the place! You idiots. Look at my shoes! They were a perfectly good pair of Manolos. I’ve paid through my nose for them. I wear them for the first time and fall through some ridiculous hole in the street. Look at them now! They’re ruined. Completely ruined.”
All eyes in the room swivelled to the owner of the voice.
Donna Noble stood in an entrance to the cavernous underground hall. With her flaming red hair, flashing eyes and business suit in near-tatters she looked like a goddess of vengeance that had hit upon bad times but would still incinerate anyone that displeased her. She pointed accusingly at her feet.
The Doctor’s voice echoed unnaturally loud in the sudden silence as he murmured softly, “Uh-oh, now we’re in trouble.”
Jack must have imagined the slight undertone of glee. The Doctor would never be gleeful in a situation that might end with death for one of his companions or in this case former companions.
“Sweetie, let them be,” a new voice implored Donna fearfully. Wilf struggled through the entrance. “I’m sure they have experts who’re dealing with that. Let’s just go.”
Wilf’s eyes widened as his gaze fell upon the experts currently dealing with the situation. His mouth formed a perfect ‘o’ for a moment before splitting into a wide grin. He waved a little greeting to the Doctor.
Donna hadn’t turned around and thus didn’t see Wilf starting a mad pantomime to explain how they had got here.
“Their experts can go and stuff themselves, gramps,” she said curtly. “Didn’t stop them aliens riddling the whole of Britain with oversized potholes, did they?” She folded her arms and snapped at the blobs, “Who of you had the glorious idea to invade here?”
Blob 1 didn’t step forward. It was more that all the other blobs suddenly huddled a step behind their leader. Blob 1 looked slightly ill and altogether miserable. Donna fixed him with a stern glance.
It should have been impossible for one person to huddle but Blob 1 managed to do it nevertheless.
The Doctor made sure that she was too busy with the aliens to notice him. He grabbed Jack by the collar, towed him to the entrance where Wilf was standing and dragged them into the hall beyond. There, he turned to Wilf and said, “Hello, sorry I missed our meeting last week.”
Wilf brushed it off. “Never mind. It was raining cats and dogs anyway. I wasn’t up on the hill either.”
“Uhm, sorry?” Jack asked bewildered. “Shouldn’t we be in there and stop the invasion?”
At this, the Doctor looked just as confused as Jack felt. “Why? Donna’s on it.”
“Exactly,” Jack exclaimed. “That’s Donna in there. She doesn’t remember. You said so. We can’t just leave her alone.”
In the other cavern, Donna’s voice climbed a few decibels.
“What has remembering to do with that? It’s Donna.” The Doctor spoke louder to drown out the fury in the next hall. He didn’t understand why Jack was so concerned. “How can I explain?” He scrunched up his face in concentration, then leaned in to Jack and said in a voice that suggested he was imparting one of secrets of the universe, “Never cross her, Jack. Never EVER cross her. If you have the choice between an angry Donna and a fleet of every enemy imaginable, you want to take the fleet. Trust me. Her words are like knives. She can skin you alive with her voice.”
“Ah,” said Wilf cheerfully. “You took her biscuits.”
“Haven’t you learned any manners at home?” Donna’s scathing voice sounded loud and clear through the underground halls. “What are your parents saying to you running off and invading random planets?”
The Doctor ignored the booming voice and said, “I forgot to replace them, too, and we weren’t anywhen where we could get a new packet.”
Wilf grimaced. “Ouch, that must have been bad. Did she start out with the biscuits and ended up with a list a mile long?”
“Oh yes. Off the top of my head: my sonic screwdriver interfering with her hair dryer,” the Doctor counted on his fingers, “me talking nonsense all the time, whacking the TARDIS with the mallet ... Now, that was a surprise. Donna and the TARDIS! They always ganged up on me. I was sadly outnumbered on my own ship.”
“And stop sniffling! What kind of invaders are you?” Donna said sharply.
The Doctor grinned. “The TARDIS will be glad to know that she’s doing well though. The old girl misses her something dreadfully. She is doing well, Wilf, isn’t she?”
“She's doing very well,” Wilf said. “My girl has a job in the city now. No more temp business for her. That’s why she and Silvia are currently flat-hunting.”
“They get along then?” The Doctor sounded a bit incredulous, but mostly satisfied.
Wilf nodded and produced a thermos of tea and three cups from his coat. “They’re ganging up on the estate agents like you wouldn’t believe.” He poured tea into the cups and handed one to the Doctor and one to Jack who was too surprised to do anything but take it. “I went along with them once. It wasn’t a pretty sight. The poor agent was near tears by the time my girls had finished with him.”
“Two Noble women at the same time?” The Doctor laughed as he rummaged through his pockets. “I wouldn’t want to stand between them and whatever they have their sight on.” He unearthed a packet of biscuits and started doling them out.
Jack watched in open-mouthed astonishment as Wilf and the Doctor settled down for a good, long chat.
In the cavern through the entrance, Donna continued to scold the blobs.
*
Later, when they had taken the remorseful blobs back home, the Doctor told Jack that the blobitude (that’s an actual word for a multitude of blobs, Jack, look it up!) were, as a rule, students on their spring break wanting to have fun. Their fun usually didn’t constitute fun for the rest of the universe and there were roughly 3.593.267 lawsuits still pending judgement from last year’s students’ stints.
“Donna’s good with idiots,” the Doctor said and shrugged. “She has them see the errors of their ways in no time. She’s brilliant like that.”
“Is that so?” Jack sounded thoughtful. “You two got along very well, didn’t you?”
The Doctor glared at him in a Don’t-Go-There-Mate kind of way. He turned the TARDIS around to get the Captain back to Cardiff.
He accidentally lost him for two years on a boring planet inhabited by nothing but plants and small, stinging insects before chucking him out off the TARDIS on the Plass though.
Characters: The Doctor, Jack Harkness, Donna Noble, Wilfred Mott
Rating: G
Summary: It’s aliens. They’re invading Earth. Well, d'uh. Post-JE
Word Count: 1500
Disclaimer: Still not mine. Dammit.
A/N: They're all a bit OOC. But that's all right as long as it's crackfic, right? Right?
Earth was being invaded. That was nothing new and Torchwood was pretty confident they’d be able to handle it. Unfortunately, their SUV had fallen into one of the holes the aliens had dug and what had once been a spiffing, high-tech alien-hunting machine was now a very expensive heap of crap. Their sleek and shiny mode of transportation gone, Jack called Martha and tried to chat her up. Martha refused his kind offer to join Torchwood - “Jack, I love you. I really do, but sexual harassment is not one of the things I look for in a potential work place.” - but promised to call the Doctor.
The Doctor was footloose and fancy-free at the moment and was only too happy to drop in for a visit. Since he was the Doctor this visit did not include seeing the sights and doing cultural stuff, maybe spending a day at the Tate, or similar touristy things. Instead, Jack dragged him underground and put him in front of a group of blobs to make them go away and invade somewhere else.
The blobs were unfortunately slightly uncooperative in the Invading Somewhere Else department. The Doctor was talking a mile a minute and trying to reason with them but they were unreasonable.
“Wanna invade,” said one of the aliens. Jack had secretly named it Blob 1 because it seemed to be their leader.
“That’s a really bad idea,” the Doctor said. “I’m the Doctor and this planet’s under my protection. I give you this one chance. Stop invading right now. I can take you home.”
“Wanna invade,” Blob 1 repeated stubbornly.
“Now listen here, you can’t just invade.” The Doctor sounded pretty certain of this. Jack wondered if there were rules nobody had told him. Did you have to fill out some paperwork before invading? He hadn’t ever heard of any intergalactic standard procedures for invasions. The Doctor continued, “You can’t undermine their streets. That’s dangerous, that is. People could fall through holes and break something.”
A new voice rang out from the far end of the cavern. It spoke in a clipped, sharp way. It indicated that its owner was very, very pissed off right now. “Oh, so you’re responsible for all the large potholes, are you? Have you any idea what you’ve done?” The voice edged into shrill. “Leaving holes all over the place! You idiots. Look at my shoes! They were a perfectly good pair of Manolos. I’ve paid through my nose for them. I wear them for the first time and fall through some ridiculous hole in the street. Look at them now! They’re ruined. Completely ruined.”
All eyes in the room swivelled to the owner of the voice.
Donna Noble stood in an entrance to the cavernous underground hall. With her flaming red hair, flashing eyes and business suit in near-tatters she looked like a goddess of vengeance that had hit upon bad times but would still incinerate anyone that displeased her. She pointed accusingly at her feet.
The Doctor’s voice echoed unnaturally loud in the sudden silence as he murmured softly, “Uh-oh, now we’re in trouble.”
Jack must have imagined the slight undertone of glee. The Doctor would never be gleeful in a situation that might end with death for one of his companions or in this case former companions.
“Sweetie, let them be,” a new voice implored Donna fearfully. Wilf struggled through the entrance. “I’m sure they have experts who’re dealing with that. Let’s just go.”
Wilf’s eyes widened as his gaze fell upon the experts currently dealing with the situation. His mouth formed a perfect ‘o’ for a moment before splitting into a wide grin. He waved a little greeting to the Doctor.
Donna hadn’t turned around and thus didn’t see Wilf starting a mad pantomime to explain how they had got here.
“Their experts can go and stuff themselves, gramps,” she said curtly. “Didn’t stop them aliens riddling the whole of Britain with oversized potholes, did they?” She folded her arms and snapped at the blobs, “Who of you had the glorious idea to invade here?”
Blob 1 didn’t step forward. It was more that all the other blobs suddenly huddled a step behind their leader. Blob 1 looked slightly ill and altogether miserable. Donna fixed him with a stern glance.
It should have been impossible for one person to huddle but Blob 1 managed to do it nevertheless.
The Doctor made sure that she was too busy with the aliens to notice him. He grabbed Jack by the collar, towed him to the entrance where Wilf was standing and dragged them into the hall beyond. There, he turned to Wilf and said, “Hello, sorry I missed our meeting last week.”
Wilf brushed it off. “Never mind. It was raining cats and dogs anyway. I wasn’t up on the hill either.”
“Uhm, sorry?” Jack asked bewildered. “Shouldn’t we be in there and stop the invasion?”
At this, the Doctor looked just as confused as Jack felt. “Why? Donna’s on it.”
“Exactly,” Jack exclaimed. “That’s Donna in there. She doesn’t remember. You said so. We can’t just leave her alone.”
In the other cavern, Donna’s voice climbed a few decibels.
“What has remembering to do with that? It’s Donna.” The Doctor spoke louder to drown out the fury in the next hall. He didn’t understand why Jack was so concerned. “How can I explain?” He scrunched up his face in concentration, then leaned in to Jack and said in a voice that suggested he was imparting one of secrets of the universe, “Never cross her, Jack. Never EVER cross her. If you have the choice between an angry Donna and a fleet of every enemy imaginable, you want to take the fleet. Trust me. Her words are like knives. She can skin you alive with her voice.”
“Ah,” said Wilf cheerfully. “You took her biscuits.”
“Haven’t you learned any manners at home?” Donna’s scathing voice sounded loud and clear through the underground halls. “What are your parents saying to you running off and invading random planets?”
The Doctor ignored the booming voice and said, “I forgot to replace them, too, and we weren’t anywhen where we could get a new packet.”
Wilf grimaced. “Ouch, that must have been bad. Did she start out with the biscuits and ended up with a list a mile long?”
“Oh yes. Off the top of my head: my sonic screwdriver interfering with her hair dryer,” the Doctor counted on his fingers, “me talking nonsense all the time, whacking the TARDIS with the mallet ... Now, that was a surprise. Donna and the TARDIS! They always ganged up on me. I was sadly outnumbered on my own ship.”
“And stop sniffling! What kind of invaders are you?” Donna said sharply.
The Doctor grinned. “The TARDIS will be glad to know that she’s doing well though. The old girl misses her something dreadfully. She is doing well, Wilf, isn’t she?”
“She's doing very well,” Wilf said. “My girl has a job in the city now. No more temp business for her. That’s why she and Silvia are currently flat-hunting.”
“They get along then?” The Doctor sounded a bit incredulous, but mostly satisfied.
Wilf nodded and produced a thermos of tea and three cups from his coat. “They’re ganging up on the estate agents like you wouldn’t believe.” He poured tea into the cups and handed one to the Doctor and one to Jack who was too surprised to do anything but take it. “I went along with them once. It wasn’t a pretty sight. The poor agent was near tears by the time my girls had finished with him.”
“Two Noble women at the same time?” The Doctor laughed as he rummaged through his pockets. “I wouldn’t want to stand between them and whatever they have their sight on.” He unearthed a packet of biscuits and started doling them out.
Jack watched in open-mouthed astonishment as Wilf and the Doctor settled down for a good, long chat.
In the cavern through the entrance, Donna continued to scold the blobs.
*
Later, when they had taken the remorseful blobs back home, the Doctor told Jack that the blobitude (that’s an actual word for a multitude of blobs, Jack, look it up!) were, as a rule, students on their spring break wanting to have fun. Their fun usually didn’t constitute fun for the rest of the universe and there were roughly 3.593.267 lawsuits still pending judgement from last year’s students’ stints.
“Donna’s good with idiots,” the Doctor said and shrugged. “She has them see the errors of their ways in no time. She’s brilliant like that.”
“Is that so?” Jack sounded thoughtful. “You two got along very well, didn’t you?”
The Doctor glared at him in a Don’t-Go-There-Mate kind of way. He turned the TARDIS around to get the Captain back to Cardiff.
He accidentally lost him for two years on a boring planet inhabited by nothing but plants and small, stinging insects before chucking him out off the TARDIS on the Plass though.