Japan stops the North Korean cargo ship.  North Korea attacks Japan.  Japan attacks North Korea. China attacks Japan.  The U.S. attacks China.  Russia attacks the U.S.  India attacks Russia.  North Korea wonders "When did this stop being about me?" and blows up the moon. China is angry, but understanding. America retaliates by blowing up Venus, the ( Read more... )

The following was written as a prospective script for some public radio show about Jazz and Blues that wanted a "sketch comedy" bit. The examples they sent me were awful and I'm afraid they won't use this because it's not as painful to hear and makes-you-want-to-punch-the-radio as they seem to like, so here it is as a gift to you. Just pretend ( Read more... )

Chip Esten just backed into my car at a Burger King drive-thru.

I never really appreciated how small Chinese people were until I attempted to use them as human shields against firework debris and found them to be lacking.

sometimes i have hilarious anecdotes and poignant witticisms but instead of writing those up, something at which i am at least marginally skilled, i have spent the past few hours churning out a big stupid explanation of everything that is wrong with America. so, if you have met me or read what i've written and come away with the conclusion that " ( Read more... )

NFL 2008 Preview / Betting Guide
After a single season of Fantasy Football in which I came in absolute dead last in my league, I feel reasonably qualified to offer my unresearched and non-fact-checked opinions and thoughts on each and every single fucking team for the upcoming NFL season. Please remember that I will, in all likelihood, be very ( Read more... )

I SHITTED MY PANTS

Rajon Rondo looks like a Lego man to me.

( Read more... )

As a Houston native with a long and loving history with my Houston Astros, I am as fond as the next third-coast rap artist of the jerseys worn by the Astros during the heyday of the Astrodome, between the years 1975 and 1986.  The uniform, whose centerpiece is a series of horizontal bands of safety orange at various, discrete (but far from discreet ( Read more... )

I hate trying to write.  Everything I write about right now has to be about a person who is desperately looking for a job and money.  I can’t even pretend to exist inside of the head of someone who is not obsessing about these concerns.  So far I have thought of stories involving starting a canine cancer detection service, building my own drug ( Read more... )