one hundred percent all natural
Wow, so. This is not a real fic. This is crack. I'm at home with a nasty cold, okay? Stuff happens.
Stranger Things
by Charli J
Jared, Jensen/Chad. PG.
Sandy comes in from her trip to the supermarket and says, "I didn't know Jensen and Chad were friends."
Jared grabs the bags from her, brings them to the kitchen. "Sandy, I introduced them, come on," he calls out as he starts poking through the plastic. He puts away the milk, the eggs, the Hot Pockets.
"No, I mean I didn't know they hung out without you," she says, coming to lean against the doorframe. She opens a candy bar and snaps off small pieces of chocolate. "There was a tabloid at the checkstand. It was an article about Chad, the headline was about his second divorce, but the pictures were of him and Jensen."
"You were reading tabloids?"
"It was on the cover," she says, shrugging. "They were at a restaurant."
Jared pauses with the quart of ice cream in his hand and the freezer door wide open. "Wait. What?"
;;
Two weeks later, in the middle of their conversation about who Jared should tell about his surprise party for Sandy's birthday -- you'd think that in a business like this everyone could keep a secret, but no -- Jared stops in the middle of listing names to say, "You went to lunch with Chad?"
Jensen does a double take, glancing away from the road. "Well, hey there, left field."
"Sandy said she saw a tabloid."
Jensen snorts. "Sandy read tabloids?"
"It was on the cover," Jared explains. "So, you did?"
Jensen shrugs. "Yeah, at Spago. He's not that bad."
Jared spills some of his water on the front of his shirt, coughs. "Bullshit, he's not that bad. When was this?"
"Few weeks ago. We ran into each other," Jensen says, and then asks if Jared plans to tell Rosenbaum too far in advance, because maybe he wants to rethink that.
;;
It's bizarre. At first, Chad calls Jared and tells him to say hello to Jensen for him before he hangs up, then Chad sometimes wants to talk to Jensen or vice versa for a minute before Jared gets the call again, and then one day, Jensen comes out of his trailer and passes Jared his cell.
Jared looks down at the phone, up at Jensen. "Who is it?" He presses his ear to the phone. "Hello?"
"Hey, man, this weekend. You remember that new club I was telling you about? It opened up last week; you and me are gonna hit Sunset."
"Chad?" Jared switches hands and probably doesn't do the best job of hiding his confusion.
"Yeah, dunce," Chad says. "You in or you out?"
"For this weekend?" he says. Jensen leans against the wall, kind of smiling, not at all confused. Chad also sounds like he knows exactly what's going on. Jared is possibly the only person not on the right page here. "I'll come, sure."
Chad says, "Cool. All right, I'll talk at you later, man, okay?"
"Definitely," Jared answers and hands off cell again. Jensen grabs it and heads toward his trailer again. Jared just fixes himself another plate from the catering table.
;;
The thing is they're friends now, but Jared never sees them together unless it's a network thing. Even then, they stand around talking about work briefly, and then move on to other people, drinks in hand.
Someone snaps a picture and after Chad wanders away, Jared says, "I thought you guys were, I don’t know, lunching together now."
"Sometimes," Jensen says. He polishes off his glass and looks down into it. "I need another. You want another one?"
;;
To Sandy, Jared says, "I don't get them. They're weird."
"They're friends," she says. "You introduced them."
"Is that -- " Jared sweeps his arms out, shaking his head. "Was any of that supposed to be helpful in some way?"
;;
He figures he can just ask directly, and Chad's liable to give more details than Jensen. However, with Chad, once he brings it up, Jared gets even more than he bargained for and sort of wishes he'd just left it alone.
"Look, Jared, I'm just gonna tell you straight," Chad says. He finishes his cigarette and stubs it out on the pavement. "I'm fucking your boy."
"Jesus Christ, Chad," Jared hisses. He loses his balance as he rocks back and forth on his heels, his foot bending sideways onto the ankle. It hurts like a bitch. "What? What the fuck?"
"Dude, are you okay? Chill out." Chad grabs his arm, helps steady Jared so he can stop hobbling around on his sore foot. "Would you chill?"
"What -- fuck? My ank -- what?" Jared says. He lifts his foot to rub the skin there. It throbs. He thinks he's getting a headache, and he's ruined his nice pants with this, and did Chad just say he was fucking -- Jesus -- fucking Jensen? "You're fucking Jensen?"
"Yeah," Chad says and then rolls his eyes. "Well, I mean. We switch--"
"Oh, my God." Jared is definitely getting a headache.
"--but, yeah. I think it's been," Chad pauses to count on his fingers, eyes looking up as he thinks. "Four weeks?"
"Why didn't you tell me this four weeks ago?"
Chad shrugs. "Sorry. I'm telling you now."
;;
He doesn't get it. Once he knows, he starts seeing them together, but. Chad visits the Vancouver set for three days, and they're friendly, but Jared can't believe they're anymore than acquaintances, really. They still talk about work and the business and don't agree on anything. Jared's at a fucking loss.
"No, hear me out," Jensen says. He passes the joint to Jared and leans back, holding his hands up. "For real, think about it. It's marketing genius. What better way to counterpoint the show's tone than to show the leads--" and he gestures back and forth between himself and Jared "--as the total opposite of their respective characters."
"Mm," Chad says, skeptical. He scrunches his face and shakes his head, exhaling in a stream of smoke.
Jensen says, "Sam and Dean are kind of hopeless; Jared and I are the exact opposite of that."
Chad says, "So, you're saying you're a well-adjusted man who, unfortunately, actually doesn't get girls to fuck him left and right in reality."
"I'm well-adjusted, yeah," Jensen says, smirking. "See? Marketing genius."
"Nah," Chad says.
"Why not?"
"Because I personally don't think those assholes in charge are that clever, that's why," Chad says. "Plus, Jared really is a ball of fucking sunshine."
"The shiniest," Jared chimes in. He's really stoned. He wishes they'd shut up so they can play video games like they first planned.
"You're just fucking bent up because it means your people are making you seem like a neurotic asshole whore on purpose," Jensen says, finishing off the pot.
"Oh, hey, PS2!" Jared announces. He dives for a controller.
"Fuck you," Chad says, glaring at Jensen.
"Hell, no." Jensen folds his arms over his chest.
Jared gives up. He leaves the room before they can kill his high.
;;
"He said you two were together, but I should've known it was bull," Jared says, adjusting his hat.
Jensen says, "Chad said we're dating?"
"That's not the word he used, but yes," Jared says. "I have to admit -- he got me. He's good."
Jensen clears his throat, knocks back some more of his beer. "It wasn't a joke."
Welcome to my life, Jared thinks. Welcome to my life, the goddamn Twilight Zone.
;;
Sandy's surprise party is fantastic. Not that Jared ever doubted his own abilities to pull a shindig the right way, but seeing Sandy's face when the big reveal happens is even better than he expected when he got the idea. They drink and eat a lot of cake. At some point, Sandy comes to sit on Jared's lap in a corner as he's watching Jensen and Chad. They're talking to different people about two feet away from one another, and Jared still can't see it.
"Do you have a problem with it or something?" Sandy asks. "If they are, I mean."
"Of course I don't have a problem," Jared says. He's just not convinced this isn't the most elaborate tag-team prank ever created, and considering it's Chad and Jensen, there's no real guarantee it isn't.
Sandy says, "Then let it go," and kisses him.
;;
Jared can't. It's just, okay, how can he?
"What, do you need us to make out for you?" Chad asks seriously enough that Jared knows he's messing with him.
"No," Jared says. No. God. No. Maybe. "No."
;;
Definitely. To see them making out is apparently exactly what Jared needs, because the morning he decides to show up at Chad's house with beer and every Jennifer Love Hewitt movie ever for some good, clean, Sunday lounging, they're standing on Chad's doorstep. Jared drives up Chad's endless driveway and there they stand, right in front of him. Jensen rubs a hand across Chad's stomach, probably where the scar is hidden under Chad's t-shirt and Chad has both hands on Jensen's face.
Jared feels all wrong, intrusive and disrespectful.
He pulls out his camera phone and takes a picture before they break apart.
;;
After that, everything's okay. Jared still thinks they're the weirdest couple in existence, because they don't get anymore affectionate when he's around. Absolutely nothing changes: they still argue about the business, they talk shit about their more rabid fans and their jobs, and act like they barely know each other in public, but it's good. Jared threatens to sell the grainy picture to the National Enquirer every other day.
"If I hadn't seen it for myself..." Jared says.
Jensen says, "We're private people."
"Chad's not private." Jared scratches his arm. "Chad's pretty wide open, actually."
"I'm private," Jensen amends. "I'm teaching Chad to be private."
God, they're teaching each other things, Jared thinks. Okay, maybe it's still more bizarre than all right.
;;
Chad says, "If you think about it, the only real difference between me and Jensen is that he has a better publicist."
"That and, hey, everything else," Jared says. He pauses, looks at Chad and then says, "Wait -- please. Please tell me that was not your way of saying you two are fucking made for each other."
Chad rolls his eyes. "Relax, Jared. I'm not going to marry the guy."
"For a change," Jared says.
"We're not allowed in this country," Chad mutters, eyes forward. He glances right.
Something about the look on Jared's face makes Chad double over in laughter.
;;
And now with a follow-up: You and Me, Proving Everyone Wrong.
Stranger Things
by Charli J
Jared, Jensen/Chad. PG.
Sandy comes in from her trip to the supermarket and says, "I didn't know Jensen and Chad were friends."
Jared grabs the bags from her, brings them to the kitchen. "Sandy, I introduced them, come on," he calls out as he starts poking through the plastic. He puts away the milk, the eggs, the Hot Pockets.
"No, I mean I didn't know they hung out without you," she says, coming to lean against the doorframe. She opens a candy bar and snaps off small pieces of chocolate. "There was a tabloid at the checkstand. It was an article about Chad, the headline was about his second divorce, but the pictures were of him and Jensen."
"You were reading tabloids?"
"It was on the cover," she says, shrugging. "They were at a restaurant."
Jared pauses with the quart of ice cream in his hand and the freezer door wide open. "Wait. What?"
;;
Two weeks later, in the middle of their conversation about who Jared should tell about his surprise party for Sandy's birthday -- you'd think that in a business like this everyone could keep a secret, but no -- Jared stops in the middle of listing names to say, "You went to lunch with Chad?"
Jensen does a double take, glancing away from the road. "Well, hey there, left field."
"Sandy said she saw a tabloid."
Jensen snorts. "Sandy read tabloids?"
"It was on the cover," Jared explains. "So, you did?"
Jensen shrugs. "Yeah, at Spago. He's not that bad."
Jared spills some of his water on the front of his shirt, coughs. "Bullshit, he's not that bad. When was this?"
"Few weeks ago. We ran into each other," Jensen says, and then asks if Jared plans to tell Rosenbaum too far in advance, because maybe he wants to rethink that.
;;
It's bizarre. At first, Chad calls Jared and tells him to say hello to Jensen for him before he hangs up, then Chad sometimes wants to talk to Jensen or vice versa for a minute before Jared gets the call again, and then one day, Jensen comes out of his trailer and passes Jared his cell.
Jared looks down at the phone, up at Jensen. "Who is it?" He presses his ear to the phone. "Hello?"
"Hey, man, this weekend. You remember that new club I was telling you about? It opened up last week; you and me are gonna hit Sunset."
"Chad?" Jared switches hands and probably doesn't do the best job of hiding his confusion.
"Yeah, dunce," Chad says. "You in or you out?"
"For this weekend?" he says. Jensen leans against the wall, kind of smiling, not at all confused. Chad also sounds like he knows exactly what's going on. Jared is possibly the only person not on the right page here. "I'll come, sure."
Chad says, "Cool. All right, I'll talk at you later, man, okay?"
"Definitely," Jared answers and hands off cell again. Jensen grabs it and heads toward his trailer again. Jared just fixes himself another plate from the catering table.
;;
The thing is they're friends now, but Jared never sees them together unless it's a network thing. Even then, they stand around talking about work briefly, and then move on to other people, drinks in hand.
Someone snaps a picture and after Chad wanders away, Jared says, "I thought you guys were, I don’t know, lunching together now."
"Sometimes," Jensen says. He polishes off his glass and looks down into it. "I need another. You want another one?"
;;
To Sandy, Jared says, "I don't get them. They're weird."
"They're friends," she says. "You introduced them."
"Is that -- " Jared sweeps his arms out, shaking his head. "Was any of that supposed to be helpful in some way?"
;;
He figures he can just ask directly, and Chad's liable to give more details than Jensen. However, with Chad, once he brings it up, Jared gets even more than he bargained for and sort of wishes he'd just left it alone.
"Look, Jared, I'm just gonna tell you straight," Chad says. He finishes his cigarette and stubs it out on the pavement. "I'm fucking your boy."
"Jesus Christ, Chad," Jared hisses. He loses his balance as he rocks back and forth on his heels, his foot bending sideways onto the ankle. It hurts like a bitch. "What? What the fuck?"
"Dude, are you okay? Chill out." Chad grabs his arm, helps steady Jared so he can stop hobbling around on his sore foot. "Would you chill?"
"What -- fuck? My ank -- what?" Jared says. He lifts his foot to rub the skin there. It throbs. He thinks he's getting a headache, and he's ruined his nice pants with this, and did Chad just say he was fucking -- Jesus -- fucking Jensen? "You're fucking Jensen?"
"Yeah," Chad says and then rolls his eyes. "Well, I mean. We switch--"
"Oh, my God." Jared is definitely getting a headache.
"--but, yeah. I think it's been," Chad pauses to count on his fingers, eyes looking up as he thinks. "Four weeks?"
"Why didn't you tell me this four weeks ago?"
Chad shrugs. "Sorry. I'm telling you now."
;;
He doesn't get it. Once he knows, he starts seeing them together, but. Chad visits the Vancouver set for three days, and they're friendly, but Jared can't believe they're anymore than acquaintances, really. They still talk about work and the business and don't agree on anything. Jared's at a fucking loss.
"No, hear me out," Jensen says. He passes the joint to Jared and leans back, holding his hands up. "For real, think about it. It's marketing genius. What better way to counterpoint the show's tone than to show the leads--" and he gestures back and forth between himself and Jared "--as the total opposite of their respective characters."
"Mm," Chad says, skeptical. He scrunches his face and shakes his head, exhaling in a stream of smoke.
Jensen says, "Sam and Dean are kind of hopeless; Jared and I are the exact opposite of that."
Chad says, "So, you're saying you're a well-adjusted man who, unfortunately, actually doesn't get girls to fuck him left and right in reality."
"I'm well-adjusted, yeah," Jensen says, smirking. "See? Marketing genius."
"Nah," Chad says.
"Why not?"
"Because I personally don't think those assholes in charge are that clever, that's why," Chad says. "Plus, Jared really is a ball of fucking sunshine."
"The shiniest," Jared chimes in. He's really stoned. He wishes they'd shut up so they can play video games like they first planned.
"You're just fucking bent up because it means your people are making you seem like a neurotic asshole whore on purpose," Jensen says, finishing off the pot.
"Oh, hey, PS2!" Jared announces. He dives for a controller.
"Fuck you," Chad says, glaring at Jensen.
"Hell, no." Jensen folds his arms over his chest.
Jared gives up. He leaves the room before they can kill his high.
;;
"He said you two were together, but I should've known it was bull," Jared says, adjusting his hat.
Jensen says, "Chad said we're dating?"
"That's not the word he used, but yes," Jared says. "I have to admit -- he got me. He's good."
Jensen clears his throat, knocks back some more of his beer. "It wasn't a joke."
Welcome to my life, Jared thinks. Welcome to my life, the goddamn Twilight Zone.
;;
Sandy's surprise party is fantastic. Not that Jared ever doubted his own abilities to pull a shindig the right way, but seeing Sandy's face when the big reveal happens is even better than he expected when he got the idea. They drink and eat a lot of cake. At some point, Sandy comes to sit on Jared's lap in a corner as he's watching Jensen and Chad. They're talking to different people about two feet away from one another, and Jared still can't see it.
"Do you have a problem with it or something?" Sandy asks. "If they are, I mean."
"Of course I don't have a problem," Jared says. He's just not convinced this isn't the most elaborate tag-team prank ever created, and considering it's Chad and Jensen, there's no real guarantee it isn't.
Sandy says, "Then let it go," and kisses him.
;;
Jared can't. It's just, okay, how can he?
"What, do you need us to make out for you?" Chad asks seriously enough that Jared knows he's messing with him.
"No," Jared says. No. God. No. Maybe. "No."
;;
Definitely. To see them making out is apparently exactly what Jared needs, because the morning he decides to show up at Chad's house with beer and every Jennifer Love Hewitt movie ever for some good, clean, Sunday lounging, they're standing on Chad's doorstep. Jared drives up Chad's endless driveway and there they stand, right in front of him. Jensen rubs a hand across Chad's stomach, probably where the scar is hidden under Chad's t-shirt and Chad has both hands on Jensen's face.
Jared feels all wrong, intrusive and disrespectful.
He pulls out his camera phone and takes a picture before they break apart.
;;
After that, everything's okay. Jared still thinks they're the weirdest couple in existence, because they don't get anymore affectionate when he's around. Absolutely nothing changes: they still argue about the business, they talk shit about their more rabid fans and their jobs, and act like they barely know each other in public, but it's good. Jared threatens to sell the grainy picture to the National Enquirer every other day.
"If I hadn't seen it for myself..." Jared says.
Jensen says, "We're private people."
"Chad's not private." Jared scratches his arm. "Chad's pretty wide open, actually."
"I'm private," Jensen amends. "I'm teaching Chad to be private."
God, they're teaching each other things, Jared thinks. Okay, maybe it's still more bizarre than all right.
;;
Chad says, "If you think about it, the only real difference between me and Jensen is that he has a better publicist."
"That and, hey, everything else," Jared says. He pauses, looks at Chad and then says, "Wait -- please. Please tell me that was not your way of saying you two are fucking made for each other."
Chad rolls his eyes. "Relax, Jared. I'm not going to marry the guy."
"For a change," Jared says.
"We're not allowed in this country," Chad mutters, eyes forward. He glances right.
Something about the look on Jared's face makes Chad double over in laughter.
;;
And now with a follow-up: You and Me, Proving Everyone Wrong.