Should be tied (2/2)
previous
This thing is -- Justin's life is so difficult, okay? His mentor is super hot, and he's actually giving Justin the time of day instead of just blowing off his ridiculous attraction, which is so crazy/awesome/scary/unexpected/AWESOME that he can only be cool for so long. Especially because Usher is impressively collected about it, for the most part. He's amazed that there are still things that Usher can make look easy.
Justin sleeps through the night, coaxed out of sleep when he gets too hot under the blankets. As he opens his eyes, he notices that a) his whole head is covered up, and b) he can hear voices, then realizes it's Usher talking to his son.
"You want me to get it for you?" Usher's saying.
Little Usher says, "I can't reach."
Justin stays where he is, tries not to move. Letting the kid see him in Usher's bed is probably not the best way to start the morning. He doesn't even know if Little Usher would remember this, but he's not about to even play around with that situation.
"Alright, alright," Usher says, and Justin can feel him climb out of the bed. "It's cold in here, little man. You're not cold?"
"Come on," little Usher says.
Usher's answering laugh is breathy, sleepy. He says, "OK, let me get something on. I'm freezing. Meet me down there?"
Justin doesn't hear a response, but he can feel Usher shift on the bed again. A second later the cover gets pulled away some, and Usher's looking down at Justin with his eyebrows raised. He says, "Look who else is awake..."
Justin gets the nerve to peek a minute later, wondering if he should duck back into the guest room. If they haven't made it into the kitchen or somewhere on that side of the house, then they might still see him. He thinks about risking, weighing his options, and then apparently takes too long because Usher comes back.
"Did he see me?" Justin asks, voice thick.
"I don't think so," Usher says. "Did we wake you up?"
"I'm gonna traumatize your son, dude," Justin says. "I'm so sorry."
Usher shakes his head, looking sort of at a loss. He wipes a hand over his face, saying, "Don't apologize. That's what they do best, is surprise me. That was my bad."
"You cool?" Justin asks, pushing his hand across the mattress, letting it sneak out to bump against Usher's leg.
"Mhm," Usher says, sighing through it. He drops down, lying out for a moment. He turns his head to see Justin and says, "You can go back to sleep if you want. It's early."
"I'm, like, scared now," Justin says, letting smile stretch across his face when Usher laughs at him, then, the sound still soft.
He says, jutting out his arm to bump Justin's, "Are you hungry? He wants some cereal. I could just make breakfast while I'm down there. If you're up."
This probably doesn't count as a morning after, Justin thinks, when nothing really happened last night. It's not like the day before even, but something anxious ripples through Justin anyway.
He says, "Yeah. I'll come down. Pancakes?"
"Are you gonna help?" Usher asks. "That takes a little effort."
"Oh, I can flip a pancake," Justin says, and Usher drags his hand over Justin's hair, squeezes his shoulder, and then rolls out of bed completely.
"Okay, then. Pancakes." He says, "Take your time though, man."
He goes to the closet and gets a hoodie, tugging that over his head before sliding feet into his house slippers and heading downstairs. Justin stretches out, contemplates going back to sleep, but it really would be more of an effort now. He grabs his pants from the floor before as he leaves Usher's bedroom, and when he walks by, he notices Naviyd sitting up in his bed, looking toward the door and rubbing his eyes.
Justin goes to the guest room to put on some actual pajama pants, because Usher's right, it is chilly, though he can already feel the heat starting to filter through the vents. Justin uses a little mouthwash, rinses, and then checks his phone. He has a few messages, including one from Ryan asking if he's still flying in Friday afternoon. Justin shoots off a quick confirmation, and then goes back to the kids' room to hold his arms out for Naviyd.
"Morning, bud," he says. "You want something to eat?"
Naviyd clambers into Justin's arms, and Justin takes him downstairs, holding him against hip. As Justin takes Naviyd to the table, he can hear Usher doing things in the kitchen, and little Usher is at the table with juice and small bowl of dry Cheerios, snacking.
When Justin sets him down, Naviyd gets on his knees at the table and reaches out for little Usher's bowl. When there's some whining that starts, Justin says, "Hey, hey. How about you can both have some?"
"What are y'all doing over there?" Usher says from the kitchen. "You better be sharing. Usher, share with your brother."
Little Usher calls out, "He -- he taking it."
"What did I say?" Usher says back to him, coming out of the kitchen. Justin can hear him closer now but doesn't look up until he feels Usher behind, much closer, feels him lean in quick and kiss the nape of Justin's neck. Then it's strange to stand there then, hovering near the table without acknowledging that he'd been lying across half of it several hours before.
He says to Usher, "Did you start them?"
Usher moves his hand where his mouth was, the pads of his fingers delicate and massaging Justin's neck idly. He says, "The mix is ready. You want to put the first ones on?"
"Sure."
Justin heads into the kitchen to pour the first few. Usher follows shortly after. He has his own cup of orange juice sitting on the counter beside the stove, and he takes a drink and says, "If you burn them, Naviyd won't forgive you."
"I got this," Justin says, because he is kind of a pancake master. Usher might not be ready. "Not to brag, but I'm sort of a genius with a spatula."
"Yeah, I hear you," Usher says, but he sounds entertained. Justin smiles down at the skillet, and he doesn't mind when Usher touches his hip, watching. When Justin flips the pancakes over, he asks, "Those are good for a minute?"
Nodding, Justin lets himself be angled out, and Usher hugs him, kisses Justin's cheek. He kisses the corner of his mouth, and Justin moves the half-inch to turn into a full kiss. The taste is a sort of tangy, the remnants of juice, but it's not really distinct, not bad, and Justin has no idea how he's supposed to talk around the last several days once he's with his friends back in Canada.
"James is coming through later," Usher says. "This afternoon sometime."
Which is fine, because Justin likes Usher's brother, but it's also another person who isn't part of this, he gets it. Another person filtering into things, and not even being out with Usher really made Justin think too much about the implications of other people being around, even eventually, and okay. Maybe he should be.
"Cool," Justin says.
"Yeah?" Usher says, as if they can really avoid it.
Justin says, "Yeah -- yeah, is he recording? You know I'll want to sit in."
He also kind of does want to go back to bed after this, if it's the last he's going to get for today, potentially, but he doesn't know how to fix his mouth to say so. He sort of wishes he'd thought it through more when he woke up. If he'd stayed in bed, then Usher would have had reason to come back up, and -- and. And he doesn't know, but that's par for the course now, that maybe something could've happened, and Justin doesn't really know what he's doing, but he doesn't like to think of it definitely not happening either.
Usher snaps him back to attention when he reaches past Justin to grab the spatula, saying, "Whoa, you forgot about these pancakes that fast."
He moves them from skillet to plate, and Justin says, "That's not even my fault. I was distracted."
"Don't blame me, " Usher says, half-smiling, but then he rips off the edge of one and sticks it in his mouth. "No, don't worry. I'll eat those."
;;
James recording for a day turns into a second session the next day, and Usher's mom comes over briefly, and suddenly there are a lot of people coming through. Justin knows most of them and likes meeting new people, so it's not awful, but there is this weird element where he's -- or they both are -- aware of what isn't being mentioned. You know, like how they fooled around a little in the studio a few days prior, for one, or more importantly, how they've been toying with the brink of that again every day after.
After, when things have settled a bit for the first time in a couple days, and Justin has one day left in Atlanta for the time being, his instincts are to hug Usher, and Usher hugs him back, except the definition of a hug has somehow evolved into sometimes meaning lying down on a bed with Justin's face sort of tucked against him.
Usher's mom took the boys out for a treat and to spend some quality time. Usher's going to go down to her house and get them in a couple hours, but for the moment it's Usher and Justin, and when they talk it's in lower murmurs. They don't really have to be quiet, but they're so close. It's naturally intimate, and that doesn't really escape them either, that when Usher says, "How you feeling?" and Justin says, "Fine," it's all mostly whispered.
Usher says, "Tired?"
Justin shakes his head He says, "Just lazy."
He can sort of feel the rumble of Usher's chuckle against his own body.
The sun is setting, and they've ended up half-sprawled on the comforter of the guest bed, because Usher came in to find Justin packing up some of his stuff after seeing the last of James and his crew out. And now they're lying still, and Usher says, "When do you fly out on Friday?"
Justin says, "At like one. My mom wants me to hang with her tomorrow, though, before the trip."
"She had a break and now she misses you," Usher says.
"But she's going up to see my grandparents, too," Justin says. "And she's with me on tour."
Usher says, "Go chill with your mom, man. You like hanging with her."
"Yeah, but," Justin starts, and then trails off.
"What?"
Justin says, softly, "You know. What if I kinda want to be here?"
"You're not sick of me already?" Usher says and, up close, Justin can only see part of his lopsided smile.
"Yeah, right," Justin says, laughing and nudging his wrist against Usher. "You don't want to me stay?"
Usher tightens his hold on Justin a little, inhaling, and then shifting as he lets out the breath. He says, "Have you talked to you Selena?"
"Not a lot," Justin says. "She's gonna be back in Dallas soon."
"She'll still be at home when you come back to the States?"
"Will you?"Justin asks. "When do you have to travel again?"
Usher sighs, says, "What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing."
"For real?"
"Just -- I don't know, you know," Justin says, and he tries not to wonder how he sounds. "Can we -- I want to kiss you."
"Why?" Usher asks, and his voice is so low. That's why Justin needs to move even closer, really, to hear him.
"I like it," he says and tries to dip forward to close the space, but Usher has his hands on Justin's cheeks, holding him off. "I shouldn't?"
Averting his gaze is so tempting with Usher just appraising him like this, bracing Justin's face with his hands and looking. The seconds feel like they stretch on forever, and Justin gives a couple more half-hearted attempts to lean in, but in the end Usher lifts his head to connect their mouths at his own leisure, and Justin sighs into it.
He thinks he'd be okay with melting into this, making out with Usher and letting things progress as they may. Usher turns them, so that he's the one mostly on top, and Justin likes that, the warmth of the bed against his back and Usher's weight above him. He asks Usher again if he'll still be in Atlanta when Justin comes back into town, and Usher says, "Maybe."
"I'll try to come over," Justin says.
"You should call your girl first," Usher says. He jostles Justin's shoulder, emphasizing. "Promise you'll call her first."
Justin does. Of course Justin does.
;;
He goes to his mom's, and in the morning, Justin checks his phone over and over until his mom tells him to tuck it away.
"No fair. It's my turn now," she says. "Tell me where you want to go for lunch."
He puts it away, and then it only takes a half hour for him to stop thinking about it so much, for real. While his mom tells him about what she's been up to for the last week or so, Justin remembers that, yeah, he does totally miss her after time apart. He thinks about Selena, too, and he sends her a message while his mom's in the bathroom at one point. And it's not like they haven't been texting some anyway, but Justin feels a bit overdue, and it's better than sending Usher a bunch of messages to ask about things they've already sort of covered.
His mom asks him how he's enjoying his time off so far, and Justin talks about being in the studio with James and cooking for the kids, and he leaves out all the parts about liking the way Usher let him bite his lower lip a little, just to see how it felt. He makes his mom breakfast for dinner, and then finally lets himself he texts Usher afterward, just to say that he didn't even burn any of it, thinking it's probably silly, but Usher texts him back, saying, oh, I see how you do me. I'm the only one that gets food extra crispy.
Justin writes, I'll make it up to you, and only thinks about how that might come across after it's already sent, but then Usher writes back, yeah, we'll see :) and Justin's sort impressed by how a simple smiley face can make him feel blindsided.
;;
Another thing is -- Usher bought Justin a brand new car for his last birthday. The thing is that Justin drives everyone around in that now, when it's in the same city he's in, including Selena. It's not like Justin immediately thinks about that every time he gets in the car, but maybe it's when he's trying to just be back to normal that Justin realizes more and more exactly how much of "normal" includes his life being intertwined the person he's not supposed to be thinking about more than usual.
A month after Justin turns 17, Selena kisses him and says she just wants to make sure that they're both sure. They hang out all the time when they're in the same cities. She's still one of his best friends and the most beautiful girl he's ever met, but he thinks he understands too.
It's too easy, sometimes, to get caught up during the in-between periods. He remembers her telling him about Nick a couple years ago, about how things aren't always cut and dry, she was learning, and Justin didn't really consider the details of that too much back then. He didn't get why she could say Nick was not the best move for her and still consider trying a relationship again, but he thinks he's seeing it clearer now, how you can be dating one person or not dating another person, and those simple declarations don't cover it all.
He still talks to Usher all the time.
It's normal.
Everything's aggressively ordinary -- phone calls and texts and unexpected appearances at each other's shows and events -- until ordinary breaks down some.
Justin's in a hotel when they're texting and texting until it's gone from late night questions about what they're each doing awake, to Usher mentioning Justin was on his mind a lot, to Justin asking why and how, and then saying it's only fair, because he's thought about Usher a lot too.
Usher writes, sorry
Justin says, should be. kinda a bad thing when i'm trying to kiss my girl.
you should focus more., Usher says.
Justin writes, or you should be here
i can't coach from over your shoulder, playboy, Usher writes back.
Justin says, i'd turn around. you and me.
no audience? Usher asks, and Justin doesn't know if Usher means to make him consider that seriously, or what, but Justin almost can't even handle the thought right now.
He just says, after a minute, one on one. i'm alone right now.
waiting up isn't worth it Usher types. i'm far away.
Justin respond it's cool. then i'd lock the door when you're here. so we could focus. :)
focus isn't a problem for me, Usher sends, and Justin likes the warmth that runs down through him as he reads it. He settles down into the mattress of his bed more, typing back.
i pick things up quick, he writes. how do you do it…
And Usher tells Justin that he just has to like to study. People have their spots -- their trigger point, he likes to call them. He types, one of yours is your hip
Justin can't forget exactly how Usher discovered that with his mouth. He shifts on the bed at the memory of it, thinking about how even just that much contact had been overwhelming enough at the time, but now that Justin's turned the events over his mind again and again, he wonders what else Usher might have worked out given more opportunity.
Justin sends, what about you?
trying to get me to just give it all away? Usher writes. i think we can do better
Yeah, they're in this now, Justin thinks. This is the focus Usher was probably talking about.
He debates with himself what to send back and eventually settles on, if i guess it, will you tell me?
He barely waits between that text and his next one, sending, neck?
And then, below the ear? And then, collar? And then, stomach?
Usher finally writes back, which one are you hoping for?
Justin types something, and then erases it. He tries again, but when he keeps second-guessing the phrasing, he pushes through to call the number, and swallows as it rings.
Usher picks up fairly quickly. Thankfully. He says, "JB."
"Are you by yourself?" Justin asks. "I'm -- I am, and if it's us, then I'll be the only one to hear you say."
"Don't think I'm afraid..."
Justin says, "Then it's your hips, too."
"Careful --"
"I thought you weren't scared," Justin shoots back, and the sound Usher makes -- it's a laugh, but it's so low and rough around the edges that the sound sends a chill through Justin, something tingling and sparking his senses.
"You're trying to throw me off my game."
"Would you let me find out if I was there?" Justin asks. "Your spots, I mean."
Usher asks, "Would you be ready for me then?"
Justin's... still not even really sure. He thinks briefly -- absurdly -- of any time he took a test after studying for hours and felt a little lost despite his best efforts. He asks, "What would be the options right now?"
"Mm, in this room?" Usher says, contemplating aloud, but he's still speaking even softer than usual -- smoother. "There's the big bed. The advantage is that you lock the door, and then there's no interruptions. I'd be on top of that part."
"And I'm -- what, I'm waiting?"
"Lying down," Usher says. "You could -- where's your hand now?"
Justin inhales and then says, "On my stomach," but he's letting it creep lower just at the mention of it. He huffs around the word, trying not to filter himself. If he's going to do this, he's got to be all in. "Drifting."
"You could touch it," Usher whispers. "I'd like knowing you're excited. Seeing it. Waiting for you to tell me when."
Justin opens his mouth to say something, but the words get garbled around his breaths and his exhales. He gets a hand into his pants, feeling himself over the underwear and then slipping his fingers inside. When he finally gets a word in, all he can say is, "Okay."
"You ready?" Usher asks.
He gets his hand around himself and tries not to moan right into the receiver. It comes out as a tense sigh as he says, "Mhm."
"Do you want it?"
For something so quiet, the question feels almost overwhelming. Justin grits his teeth as he strokes a few times, testing, because Usher's right in his ear, and he'll hear it perfectly if Justin lets himself sink into this, groaning, but he still gets out one thing, does his best to say, "Yeah."
Usher says, "How do you want it?"
"Whatever," Justin says, wound tight with anticipation. "Whatever's good."
"You don't even know," Usher says, all smooth words and low tones.
Justin shakes his head and sighs. He says, "What do you think? We can do what you want --"
"It's not about me," Usher says. "Not about what I want."
"You don't want anything?" Justin asks.
"I asked what you want."
"You want me to say you can get in?" Justin says and flattens his hand over himself, slides it a little and exhales through his nose. He can plays this game too. He can. "That's what you said at your house. Anybody else. If I was there, would you?"
"You want that?"
"Would you do it?"
"I can't. You won't tell me that's what you want," Usher says. "Said you were ready, but --"
Justin sort of laughs then, feeling sheepish and turned on at the same time. He says, "You're doing it, too. I'm waiting for an answer."
"Then we can't," Usher says, and Justin groans.
"That's not fair," he says.
"Why not?"
"Because," Justin says. He wants to know. He just wants to know exactly what Usher's thinking here, and Usher always makes him work so hard for it.
Usher says, "Is that all?"
"You could just tell me what you'd want," Justin says.
"I don't think I get to want, man." Usher says it so matter-of-factly that Justin just sighs.
He says, "That sucks. I don't like that. Change it."
"Or maybe we just let this track simmer," Usher says.
"I want to finish it though."
"Sleep on it."
"I'm not tired," Justin says. He knows he's being difficult, but this deserves it.
But Usher is never like other people. When he's done, he'll just stop biting. He says, "I'll talk to you later, alright?"
"Boooo," Justin says.
Laughing softly, Usher says, "Night."
Once they're off the phone, Justin barely wait a minute before he texts, really? that's it?
don't force it, Usher writes back, like they're just talking about singing or something, like it's not sex, like it's not more than that, maybe. A second later he adds, sleep well, jb
It's not a definitive end or rejection, but Justin starts to consider that things aren't really going to go his way on this either. After a few days, he's talking to Selena regularly but he's also thinking enough about Usher at different intervals that he can't resist at least mentioning that he hasn't let it all go.
He texts, i can't just flip my brain back. mind on your house again…
Usher writes, you're in lala land. there are way more interesting places to pay attention to in cali.
Which is maybe true, in theory -- maybe, except it doesn't change what Justin's problem is here. He writes, it's hard to just act like it didn't happen
When Usher responds this time, he says, not what i meant. that's up to you. i'll follow your lead on that.
where i'd lead would be a little different, Justin says.
tried that, Usher writes, and, don't force it :)
It could feel mocking, but it doesn't, really. It's somewhat disappointing, but then also Justin's relieved to know he can bring it up at all, if he chooses. When he chooses.
;;
He might not get exactly what he'd been hoping for, but not having to deny it opens up other opportunities. Without the practical application part, Justin still has a lot of questions. For one, he's a rookie at a lot of things, but he's not green enough to think he and Usher were trading firsts.
He prods Usher for information about who he's been with, what he likes, how that's changed over time -- if it has. He doesn't really know how to coach it with any finesse, and it's Usher, so he's not really worried about it. The question doesn't even come out as a question as much as declaration from Justin. He tries to asks Usher how many people he's been with -- other guys, specifically, but what comes out is: "Is it -- it's not new for you."
They're both in New York for different reasons. It's always lucky when they can cross paths. Usher says, "You sound sure."
"Was it?"
Usher shrugs in that way he has, like he's not answering and not denying at the same time. He says, "Mm-mm."
"Was it like," Justin says and gestures vaguely, indicating the question he still hasn't even fully thought out. "Dating, I guess? That sounds stupid. Or..."
"Three," Usher says, after an unhurried pause. "That's not many, and no, to the second part of that."
;;
And, and, and -- there's a time where they're both in Los Angeles, at a party hosted by LA Reid, and Justin's had a little champagne, because he's 17 and his mom's cool with it, whatever. She's around, anyway, and Justin's been around Usher on and off all night, and Selena's in Dallas with her family, and she's been texting him, and she's his girlfriend, Justin feels good, feels warm, feels like the extra body heat is still welcome, though, when he hugs Usher and his chin brushes the dip between Usher's neck and shoulder.
"Love you," Justin says. "It's good when I get to see you."
"Look at you," Usher says, chuckling in his ear. "I love you, too. You feeling good?"
"You know this." Justin smiles. He's great. He's happy and he's got all this energy. "I feel like dancing, dude. You want to dance with me?"
Usher laughs more at that. He says, "Oh, you're feeling amazing,"' and he's smiling at Justin when he pulls back some. "I'd embarrass you on the floor the way you're feeling it right now."
"With me, though," Justin says. "Is that a no? You scared?"
Running his hand over Justin's hair and pulling him in for a hug, Usher says, "Probably shouldn't. Can't have you falling down."
He still sounds amused, friendly, but Justin knows what they're really talking about. He hears.
He says, "But if I was somebody else, we'd -- "
"You're not," Usher says, interrupting. He leans closer. "And, hey, I don't want you to be."
Justin feels a little silly then, because he's clearly tipsy off a couple glasses of champagne. He realizes he's sort of frowning, eyebrows knitted close. He blinks, and Usher slides his hand down along Justin's arm, squeezes once. "You cool? Want me to get you something?"
"I'm alright," Justin says. He glances around the party. "I don't know where my mom went."
Usher glances around too, quickly, and then says, "She's probably having a nice time herself. Come on, stick we me. I want you to meet some people," and he leaves his arm around Justin's shoulder as they move through the room, so it's not all unfortunate.
;;
Here's the biggest thing -- is that every line people have drawn in the sand for Justin, he's crossed, and he's done well on the other side. The thing is he believes in persistence, so he doesn't know much about not getting what he really sets his mind on achieving. The thing is there's a new line, and he's not sure how long he and Usher will be on opposite sides of it, tempted but cautious with each other in ways they might have ignored a lot sooner with other people.
So it doesn't happen, but it doesn't really go away either.
Justin's the kind of person now who thinks he knows what people talk about where they're insisting on life's gray spaces or whatever. The thing is, he has a girlfriend, and he's in love with Selena, and has love for Usher, but it's different, right?
It's always different with Usher versus other people, until it's not again, until they're at one another's shows, or someone's house, or some awards show, or surprising one another in the studio, or at a New Year's event and following each other to the after party. Justin doesn't kiss Usher at midnight or anything, but he thinks about it more than once, buzzed on nothing but confetti in the air, his face obscured with huge glasses in the shape of the new year.
He doesn't kiss Usher, but he realizes that that's what he wants to do when Usher smiles at him, touching Justin's shoulder. Justin asks, "What do you think? This year's ours?"
"You know it," Usher says, and they're talking about music, but then Usher doesn't shake Justin off when he reaches to intertwine their fingers and guide Usher across the room. He just lets Justin take him, holding on, so maybe they're talking about other things too.
This thing is -- Justin's life is so difficult, okay? His mentor is super hot, and he's actually giving Justin the time of day instead of just blowing off his ridiculous attraction, which is so crazy/awesome/scary/unexpected/AWESOME that he can only be cool for so long. Especially because Usher is impressively collected about it, for the most part. He's amazed that there are still things that Usher can make look easy.
Justin sleeps through the night, coaxed out of sleep when he gets too hot under the blankets. As he opens his eyes, he notices that a) his whole head is covered up, and b) he can hear voices, then realizes it's Usher talking to his son.
"You want me to get it for you?" Usher's saying.
Little Usher says, "I can't reach."
Justin stays where he is, tries not to move. Letting the kid see him in Usher's bed is probably not the best way to start the morning. He doesn't even know if Little Usher would remember this, but he's not about to even play around with that situation.
"Alright, alright," Usher says, and Justin can feel him climb out of the bed. "It's cold in here, little man. You're not cold?"
"Come on," little Usher says.
Usher's answering laugh is breathy, sleepy. He says, "OK, let me get something on. I'm freezing. Meet me down there?"
Justin doesn't hear a response, but he can feel Usher shift on the bed again. A second later the cover gets pulled away some, and Usher's looking down at Justin with his eyebrows raised. He says, "Look who else is awake..."
Justin gets the nerve to peek a minute later, wondering if he should duck back into the guest room. If they haven't made it into the kitchen or somewhere on that side of the house, then they might still see him. He thinks about risking, weighing his options, and then apparently takes too long because Usher comes back.
"Did he see me?" Justin asks, voice thick.
"I don't think so," Usher says. "Did we wake you up?"
"I'm gonna traumatize your son, dude," Justin says. "I'm so sorry."
Usher shakes his head, looking sort of at a loss. He wipes a hand over his face, saying, "Don't apologize. That's what they do best, is surprise me. That was my bad."
"You cool?" Justin asks, pushing his hand across the mattress, letting it sneak out to bump against Usher's leg.
"Mhm," Usher says, sighing through it. He drops down, lying out for a moment. He turns his head to see Justin and says, "You can go back to sleep if you want. It's early."
"I'm, like, scared now," Justin says, letting smile stretch across his face when Usher laughs at him, then, the sound still soft.
He says, jutting out his arm to bump Justin's, "Are you hungry? He wants some cereal. I could just make breakfast while I'm down there. If you're up."
This probably doesn't count as a morning after, Justin thinks, when nothing really happened last night. It's not like the day before even, but something anxious ripples through Justin anyway.
He says, "Yeah. I'll come down. Pancakes?"
"Are you gonna help?" Usher asks. "That takes a little effort."
"Oh, I can flip a pancake," Justin says, and Usher drags his hand over Justin's hair, squeezes his shoulder, and then rolls out of bed completely.
"Okay, then. Pancakes." He says, "Take your time though, man."
He goes to the closet and gets a hoodie, tugging that over his head before sliding feet into his house slippers and heading downstairs. Justin stretches out, contemplates going back to sleep, but it really would be more of an effort now. He grabs his pants from the floor before as he leaves Usher's bedroom, and when he walks by, he notices Naviyd sitting up in his bed, looking toward the door and rubbing his eyes.
Justin goes to the guest room to put on some actual pajama pants, because Usher's right, it is chilly, though he can already feel the heat starting to filter through the vents. Justin uses a little mouthwash, rinses, and then checks his phone. He has a few messages, including one from Ryan asking if he's still flying in Friday afternoon. Justin shoots off a quick confirmation, and then goes back to the kids' room to hold his arms out for Naviyd.
"Morning, bud," he says. "You want something to eat?"
Naviyd clambers into Justin's arms, and Justin takes him downstairs, holding him against hip. As Justin takes Naviyd to the table, he can hear Usher doing things in the kitchen, and little Usher is at the table with juice and small bowl of dry Cheerios, snacking.
When Justin sets him down, Naviyd gets on his knees at the table and reaches out for little Usher's bowl. When there's some whining that starts, Justin says, "Hey, hey. How about you can both have some?"
"What are y'all doing over there?" Usher says from the kitchen. "You better be sharing. Usher, share with your brother."
Little Usher calls out, "He -- he taking it."
"What did I say?" Usher says back to him, coming out of the kitchen. Justin can hear him closer now but doesn't look up until he feels Usher behind, much closer, feels him lean in quick and kiss the nape of Justin's neck. Then it's strange to stand there then, hovering near the table without acknowledging that he'd been lying across half of it several hours before.
He says to Usher, "Did you start them?"
Usher moves his hand where his mouth was, the pads of his fingers delicate and massaging Justin's neck idly. He says, "The mix is ready. You want to put the first ones on?"
"Sure."
Justin heads into the kitchen to pour the first few. Usher follows shortly after. He has his own cup of orange juice sitting on the counter beside the stove, and he takes a drink and says, "If you burn them, Naviyd won't forgive you."
"I got this," Justin says, because he is kind of a pancake master. Usher might not be ready. "Not to brag, but I'm sort of a genius with a spatula."
"Yeah, I hear you," Usher says, but he sounds entertained. Justin smiles down at the skillet, and he doesn't mind when Usher touches his hip, watching. When Justin flips the pancakes over, he asks, "Those are good for a minute?"
Nodding, Justin lets himself be angled out, and Usher hugs him, kisses Justin's cheek. He kisses the corner of his mouth, and Justin moves the half-inch to turn into a full kiss. The taste is a sort of tangy, the remnants of juice, but it's not really distinct, not bad, and Justin has no idea how he's supposed to talk around the last several days once he's with his friends back in Canada.
"James is coming through later," Usher says. "This afternoon sometime."
Which is fine, because Justin likes Usher's brother, but it's also another person who isn't part of this, he gets it. Another person filtering into things, and not even being out with Usher really made Justin think too much about the implications of other people being around, even eventually, and okay. Maybe he should be.
"Cool," Justin says.
"Yeah?" Usher says, as if they can really avoid it.
Justin says, "Yeah -- yeah, is he recording? You know I'll want to sit in."
He also kind of does want to go back to bed after this, if it's the last he's going to get for today, potentially, but he doesn't know how to fix his mouth to say so. He sort of wishes he'd thought it through more when he woke up. If he'd stayed in bed, then Usher would have had reason to come back up, and -- and. And he doesn't know, but that's par for the course now, that maybe something could've happened, and Justin doesn't really know what he's doing, but he doesn't like to think of it definitely not happening either.
Usher snaps him back to attention when he reaches past Justin to grab the spatula, saying, "Whoa, you forgot about these pancakes that fast."
He moves them from skillet to plate, and Justin says, "That's not even my fault. I was distracted."
"Don't blame me, " Usher says, half-smiling, but then he rips off the edge of one and sticks it in his mouth. "No, don't worry. I'll eat those."
;;
James recording for a day turns into a second session the next day, and Usher's mom comes over briefly, and suddenly there are a lot of people coming through. Justin knows most of them and likes meeting new people, so it's not awful, but there is this weird element where he's -- or they both are -- aware of what isn't being mentioned. You know, like how they fooled around a little in the studio a few days prior, for one, or more importantly, how they've been toying with the brink of that again every day after.
After, when things have settled a bit for the first time in a couple days, and Justin has one day left in Atlanta for the time being, his instincts are to hug Usher, and Usher hugs him back, except the definition of a hug has somehow evolved into sometimes meaning lying down on a bed with Justin's face sort of tucked against him.
Usher's mom took the boys out for a treat and to spend some quality time. Usher's going to go down to her house and get them in a couple hours, but for the moment it's Usher and Justin, and when they talk it's in lower murmurs. They don't really have to be quiet, but they're so close. It's naturally intimate, and that doesn't really escape them either, that when Usher says, "How you feeling?" and Justin says, "Fine," it's all mostly whispered.
Usher says, "Tired?"
Justin shakes his head He says, "Just lazy."
He can sort of feel the rumble of Usher's chuckle against his own body.
The sun is setting, and they've ended up half-sprawled on the comforter of the guest bed, because Usher came in to find Justin packing up some of his stuff after seeing the last of James and his crew out. And now they're lying still, and Usher says, "When do you fly out on Friday?"
Justin says, "At like one. My mom wants me to hang with her tomorrow, though, before the trip."
"She had a break and now she misses you," Usher says.
"But she's going up to see my grandparents, too," Justin says. "And she's with me on tour."
Usher says, "Go chill with your mom, man. You like hanging with her."
"Yeah, but," Justin starts, and then trails off.
"What?"
Justin says, softly, "You know. What if I kinda want to be here?"
"You're not sick of me already?" Usher says and, up close, Justin can only see part of his lopsided smile.
"Yeah, right," Justin says, laughing and nudging his wrist against Usher. "You don't want to me stay?"
Usher tightens his hold on Justin a little, inhaling, and then shifting as he lets out the breath. He says, "Have you talked to you Selena?"
"Not a lot," Justin says. "She's gonna be back in Dallas soon."
"She'll still be at home when you come back to the States?"
"Will you?"Justin asks. "When do you have to travel again?"
Usher sighs, says, "What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing."
"For real?"
"Just -- I don't know, you know," Justin says, and he tries not to wonder how he sounds. "Can we -- I want to kiss you."
"Why?" Usher asks, and his voice is so low. That's why Justin needs to move even closer, really, to hear him.
"I like it," he says and tries to dip forward to close the space, but Usher has his hands on Justin's cheeks, holding him off. "I shouldn't?"
Averting his gaze is so tempting with Usher just appraising him like this, bracing Justin's face with his hands and looking. The seconds feel like they stretch on forever, and Justin gives a couple more half-hearted attempts to lean in, but in the end Usher lifts his head to connect their mouths at his own leisure, and Justin sighs into it.
He thinks he'd be okay with melting into this, making out with Usher and letting things progress as they may. Usher turns them, so that he's the one mostly on top, and Justin likes that, the warmth of the bed against his back and Usher's weight above him. He asks Usher again if he'll still be in Atlanta when Justin comes back into town, and Usher says, "Maybe."
"I'll try to come over," Justin says.
"You should call your girl first," Usher says. He jostles Justin's shoulder, emphasizing. "Promise you'll call her first."
Justin does. Of course Justin does.
;;
He goes to his mom's, and in the morning, Justin checks his phone over and over until his mom tells him to tuck it away.
"No fair. It's my turn now," she says. "Tell me where you want to go for lunch."
He puts it away, and then it only takes a half hour for him to stop thinking about it so much, for real. While his mom tells him about what she's been up to for the last week or so, Justin remembers that, yeah, he does totally miss her after time apart. He thinks about Selena, too, and he sends her a message while his mom's in the bathroom at one point. And it's not like they haven't been texting some anyway, but Justin feels a bit overdue, and it's better than sending Usher a bunch of messages to ask about things they've already sort of covered.
His mom asks him how he's enjoying his time off so far, and Justin talks about being in the studio with James and cooking for the kids, and he leaves out all the parts about liking the way Usher let him bite his lower lip a little, just to see how it felt. He makes his mom breakfast for dinner, and then finally lets himself he texts Usher afterward, just to say that he didn't even burn any of it, thinking it's probably silly, but Usher texts him back, saying, oh, I see how you do me. I'm the only one that gets food extra crispy.
Justin writes, I'll make it up to you, and only thinks about how that might come across after it's already sent, but then Usher writes back, yeah, we'll see :) and Justin's sort impressed by how a simple smiley face can make him feel blindsided.
;;
Another thing is -- Usher bought Justin a brand new car for his last birthday. The thing is that Justin drives everyone around in that now, when it's in the same city he's in, including Selena. It's not like Justin immediately thinks about that every time he gets in the car, but maybe it's when he's trying to just be back to normal that Justin realizes more and more exactly how much of "normal" includes his life being intertwined the person he's not supposed to be thinking about more than usual.
A month after Justin turns 17, Selena kisses him and says she just wants to make sure that they're both sure. They hang out all the time when they're in the same cities. She's still one of his best friends and the most beautiful girl he's ever met, but he thinks he understands too.
It's too easy, sometimes, to get caught up during the in-between periods. He remembers her telling him about Nick a couple years ago, about how things aren't always cut and dry, she was learning, and Justin didn't really consider the details of that too much back then. He didn't get why she could say Nick was not the best move for her and still consider trying a relationship again, but he thinks he's seeing it clearer now, how you can be dating one person or not dating another person, and those simple declarations don't cover it all.
He still talks to Usher all the time.
It's normal.
Everything's aggressively ordinary -- phone calls and texts and unexpected appearances at each other's shows and events -- until ordinary breaks down some.
Justin's in a hotel when they're texting and texting until it's gone from late night questions about what they're each doing awake, to Usher mentioning Justin was on his mind a lot, to Justin asking why and how, and then saying it's only fair, because he's thought about Usher a lot too.
Usher writes, sorry
Justin says, should be. kinda a bad thing when i'm trying to kiss my girl.
you should focus more., Usher says.
Justin writes, or you should be here
i can't coach from over your shoulder, playboy, Usher writes back.
Justin says, i'd turn around. you and me.
no audience? Usher asks, and Justin doesn't know if Usher means to make him consider that seriously, or what, but Justin almost can't even handle the thought right now.
He just says, after a minute, one on one. i'm alone right now.
waiting up isn't worth it Usher types. i'm far away.
Justin respond it's cool. then i'd lock the door when you're here. so we could focus. :)
focus isn't a problem for me, Usher sends, and Justin likes the warmth that runs down through him as he reads it. He settles down into the mattress of his bed more, typing back.
i pick things up quick, he writes. how do you do it…
And Usher tells Justin that he just has to like to study. People have their spots -- their trigger point, he likes to call them. He types, one of yours is your hip
Justin can't forget exactly how Usher discovered that with his mouth. He shifts on the bed at the memory of it, thinking about how even just that much contact had been overwhelming enough at the time, but now that Justin's turned the events over his mind again and again, he wonders what else Usher might have worked out given more opportunity.
Justin sends, what about you?
trying to get me to just give it all away? Usher writes. i think we can do better
Yeah, they're in this now, Justin thinks. This is the focus Usher was probably talking about.
He debates with himself what to send back and eventually settles on, if i guess it, will you tell me?
He barely waits between that text and his next one, sending, neck?
And then, below the ear? And then, collar? And then, stomach?
Usher finally writes back, which one are you hoping for?
Justin types something, and then erases it. He tries again, but when he keeps second-guessing the phrasing, he pushes through to call the number, and swallows as it rings.
Usher picks up fairly quickly. Thankfully. He says, "JB."
"Are you by yourself?" Justin asks. "I'm -- I am, and if it's us, then I'll be the only one to hear you say."
"Don't think I'm afraid..."
Justin says, "Then it's your hips, too."
"Careful --"
"I thought you weren't scared," Justin shoots back, and the sound Usher makes -- it's a laugh, but it's so low and rough around the edges that the sound sends a chill through Justin, something tingling and sparking his senses.
"You're trying to throw me off my game."
"Would you let me find out if I was there?" Justin asks. "Your spots, I mean."
Usher asks, "Would you be ready for me then?"
Justin's... still not even really sure. He thinks briefly -- absurdly -- of any time he took a test after studying for hours and felt a little lost despite his best efforts. He asks, "What would be the options right now?"
"Mm, in this room?" Usher says, contemplating aloud, but he's still speaking even softer than usual -- smoother. "There's the big bed. The advantage is that you lock the door, and then there's no interruptions. I'd be on top of that part."
"And I'm -- what, I'm waiting?"
"Lying down," Usher says. "You could -- where's your hand now?"
Justin inhales and then says, "On my stomach," but he's letting it creep lower just at the mention of it. He huffs around the word, trying not to filter himself. If he's going to do this, he's got to be all in. "Drifting."
"You could touch it," Usher whispers. "I'd like knowing you're excited. Seeing it. Waiting for you to tell me when."
Justin opens his mouth to say something, but the words get garbled around his breaths and his exhales. He gets a hand into his pants, feeling himself over the underwear and then slipping his fingers inside. When he finally gets a word in, all he can say is, "Okay."
"You ready?" Usher asks.
He gets his hand around himself and tries not to moan right into the receiver. It comes out as a tense sigh as he says, "Mhm."
"Do you want it?"
For something so quiet, the question feels almost overwhelming. Justin grits his teeth as he strokes a few times, testing, because Usher's right in his ear, and he'll hear it perfectly if Justin lets himself sink into this, groaning, but he still gets out one thing, does his best to say, "Yeah."
Usher says, "How do you want it?"
"Whatever," Justin says, wound tight with anticipation. "Whatever's good."
"You don't even know," Usher says, all smooth words and low tones.
Justin shakes his head and sighs. He says, "What do you think? We can do what you want --"
"It's not about me," Usher says. "Not about what I want."
"You don't want anything?" Justin asks.
"I asked what you want."
"You want me to say you can get in?" Justin says and flattens his hand over himself, slides it a little and exhales through his nose. He can plays this game too. He can. "That's what you said at your house. Anybody else. If I was there, would you?"
"You want that?"
"Would you do it?"
"I can't. You won't tell me that's what you want," Usher says. "Said you were ready, but --"
Justin sort of laughs then, feeling sheepish and turned on at the same time. He says, "You're doing it, too. I'm waiting for an answer."
"Then we can't," Usher says, and Justin groans.
"That's not fair," he says.
"Why not?"
"Because," Justin says. He wants to know. He just wants to know exactly what Usher's thinking here, and Usher always makes him work so hard for it.
Usher says, "Is that all?"
"You could just tell me what you'd want," Justin says.
"I don't think I get to want, man." Usher says it so matter-of-factly that Justin just sighs.
He says, "That sucks. I don't like that. Change it."
"Or maybe we just let this track simmer," Usher says.
"I want to finish it though."
"Sleep on it."
"I'm not tired," Justin says. He knows he's being difficult, but this deserves it.
But Usher is never like other people. When he's done, he'll just stop biting. He says, "I'll talk to you later, alright?"
"Boooo," Justin says.
Laughing softly, Usher says, "Night."
Once they're off the phone, Justin barely wait a minute before he texts, really? that's it?
don't force it, Usher writes back, like they're just talking about singing or something, like it's not sex, like it's not more than that, maybe. A second later he adds, sleep well, jb
It's not a definitive end or rejection, but Justin starts to consider that things aren't really going to go his way on this either. After a few days, he's talking to Selena regularly but he's also thinking enough about Usher at different intervals that he can't resist at least mentioning that he hasn't let it all go.
He texts, i can't just flip my brain back. mind on your house again…
Usher writes, you're in lala land. there are way more interesting places to pay attention to in cali.
Which is maybe true, in theory -- maybe, except it doesn't change what Justin's problem is here. He writes, it's hard to just act like it didn't happen
When Usher responds this time, he says, not what i meant. that's up to you. i'll follow your lead on that.
where i'd lead would be a little different, Justin says.
tried that, Usher writes, and, don't force it :)
It could feel mocking, but it doesn't, really. It's somewhat disappointing, but then also Justin's relieved to know he can bring it up at all, if he chooses. When he chooses.
;;
He might not get exactly what he'd been hoping for, but not having to deny it opens up other opportunities. Without the practical application part, Justin still has a lot of questions. For one, he's a rookie at a lot of things, but he's not green enough to think he and Usher were trading firsts.
He prods Usher for information about who he's been with, what he likes, how that's changed over time -- if it has. He doesn't really know how to coach it with any finesse, and it's Usher, so he's not really worried about it. The question doesn't even come out as a question as much as declaration from Justin. He tries to asks Usher how many people he's been with -- other guys, specifically, but what comes out is: "Is it -- it's not new for you."
They're both in New York for different reasons. It's always lucky when they can cross paths. Usher says, "You sound sure."
"Was it?"
Usher shrugs in that way he has, like he's not answering and not denying at the same time. He says, "Mm-mm."
"Was it like," Justin says and gestures vaguely, indicating the question he still hasn't even fully thought out. "Dating, I guess? That sounds stupid. Or..."
"Three," Usher says, after an unhurried pause. "That's not many, and no, to the second part of that."
;;
And, and, and -- there's a time where they're both in Los Angeles, at a party hosted by LA Reid, and Justin's had a little champagne, because he's 17 and his mom's cool with it, whatever. She's around, anyway, and Justin's been around Usher on and off all night, and Selena's in Dallas with her family, and she's been texting him, and she's his girlfriend, Justin feels good, feels warm, feels like the extra body heat is still welcome, though, when he hugs Usher and his chin brushes the dip between Usher's neck and shoulder.
"Love you," Justin says. "It's good when I get to see you."
"Look at you," Usher says, chuckling in his ear. "I love you, too. You feeling good?"
"You know this." Justin smiles. He's great. He's happy and he's got all this energy. "I feel like dancing, dude. You want to dance with me?"
Usher laughs more at that. He says, "Oh, you're feeling amazing,"' and he's smiling at Justin when he pulls back some. "I'd embarrass you on the floor the way you're feeling it right now."
"With me, though," Justin says. "Is that a no? You scared?"
Running his hand over Justin's hair and pulling him in for a hug, Usher says, "Probably shouldn't. Can't have you falling down."
He still sounds amused, friendly, but Justin knows what they're really talking about. He hears.
He says, "But if I was somebody else, we'd -- "
"You're not," Usher says, interrupting. He leans closer. "And, hey, I don't want you to be."
Justin feels a little silly then, because he's clearly tipsy off a couple glasses of champagne. He realizes he's sort of frowning, eyebrows knitted close. He blinks, and Usher slides his hand down along Justin's arm, squeezes once. "You cool? Want me to get you something?"
"I'm alright," Justin says. He glances around the party. "I don't know where my mom went."
Usher glances around too, quickly, and then says, "She's probably having a nice time herself. Come on, stick we me. I want you to meet some people," and he leaves his arm around Justin's shoulder as they move through the room, so it's not all unfortunate.
;;
Here's the biggest thing -- is that every line people have drawn in the sand for Justin, he's crossed, and he's done well on the other side. The thing is he believes in persistence, so he doesn't know much about not getting what he really sets his mind on achieving. The thing is there's a new line, and he's not sure how long he and Usher will be on opposite sides of it, tempted but cautious with each other in ways they might have ignored a lot sooner with other people.
So it doesn't happen, but it doesn't really go away either.
Justin's the kind of person now who thinks he knows what people talk about where they're insisting on life's gray spaces or whatever. The thing is, he has a girlfriend, and he's in love with Selena, and has love for Usher, but it's different, right?
It's always different with Usher versus other people, until it's not again, until they're at one another's shows, or someone's house, or some awards show, or surprising one another in the studio, or at a New Year's event and following each other to the after party. Justin doesn't kiss Usher at midnight or anything, but he thinks about it more than once, buzzed on nothing but confetti in the air, his face obscured with huge glasses in the shape of the new year.
He doesn't kiss Usher, but he realizes that that's what he wants to do when Usher smiles at him, touching Justin's shoulder. Justin asks, "What do you think? This year's ours?"
"You know it," Usher says, and they're talking about music, but then Usher doesn't shake Justin off when he reaches to intertwine their fingers and guide Usher across the room. He just lets Justin take him, holding on, so maybe they're talking about other things too.