Remember when??
Dad-
Last night, when I went upstairs to say goodnight, I decided that, instead of waking you up immediately, I would watch you for a little bit. As I stood over you, I began to realize how little time we spend with each other anymore, which completely contradicts my childhood.
While at Brett’s house yesterday, we took a walk to the lake like we always do. We always go to see the ducks and throw rocks at our reflections. But this time, when I arrived, I didn’t notice the ducks or immediately follow Brett to the bench. This time I noticed a man swinging his daughter on the swings. She was around the age of five or six, old enough to talk but still in that adorable girly squeal. Her dad made her laugh, pushing her in that swing. He barely touched her, hardly making her move at all. But I’m sure that, to her, she was flying above the tree tops.
Overlooking that scenario, I was thrown into a world of nostalgia, getting trapped in swirls and whirls of memories. I remembered going to the zoo and gazing at the animals for hours on end, only to return home and spend the rest of the evening together. I remembered going to Wills Park to look at the horses in hopes that, one day, I would own one too. I remembered how you would lift me up and put me on your shoulders just so I could peer over the stall walls to peek at the horses. You taught me to hold my hand flat while feeding them carrots, so as not to get nipped. I had told you it felt like kisses. You smiled and I giggled. I also remembered spending hot summer days in the basement, building forts out of lawn chairs and blankets, and you pretending to be a monster ‘raiding my hideout.’ But my favorite game…tickle-and-stuff…those memories will never be replaced. I have never laughed harder than when we would wrestle and tickle on Saturday mornings. But lately I feel as if those days are gone. As if I am longer ‘Daddy’s Girl’ but just your girl all grown up.
I have told my friends that I hate the fact that I grew up to quickly. ‘Meaning what?’ they would ask. ‘Nevermind,’ I’d reply, secretly tucking away my box full of memories. But sometimes I would just flat out tell them that I miss hanging out with my dad. ‘Well you still see him in the morning…and after work,’ they’d say. I’m sorry friends…but when did that become synonymous to the old days? It’s not like I blame you for work. Or anything else for that matter. I know what you have to do and I respect that. I am simply stating that instead of hanging out with you on the weekends, I choose to hang out with my friends. Shame on me.
It’s so ironic how I actually have grown up all too quickly. I can remember just a few months ago when I would beg you to ‘let me grow up and make my own mistakes.’ But now, it seems as though I want to relive those days in order to fully cherish them. I almost feel that shunning you away was one of the biggest mistakes I could have made. Because now I realize that no one knows what’s best for me better than you.
As I sat with Brett and watched him play, I noticed his carelessness and freedom. It made me smile to think that at his age he doesn’t have to worry about issues that I have to face as a teenager. But then I realized that even when he reaches my age, he still won’t face these problems, because he won’t even know they exist. He’s autistic; he doesn’t understand real life. So I suddenly began to feel blessed to have had the amazing family that I do. And that I can understand the world around me. Sure Brett sees what we see, but he sees it in a different light. He sees it through the eyes of a newborn, who only knows what it can recognize…its mother. Brett knows that Sue is his mother. But he doesn’t know what it means to be a mother. He doesn’t understand the desperately wishes for him to be like her other children, so he too can look back and say ‘Hey Mom…remember when…’
Well hey Dad…remember when…
Remember when you would tuck me in at night…so tight that the covers would form a cast around my body? And do you remember that period of time where you would have to sleep in my bed in order for me to fall asleep? And do you remember those nights when I would get scared during storms and I would crawl in bed between you and Mom? Or what about those time where you would have to come pick me p from a friend’s at wee hours in the morning because I missed you guys? Do you remember going down to the pool and sitting at that corner table? The one with the umbrella? Do you remember me persuading you to jump in and play with me, even if it was just for a few minutes? Remember that first time I spent the night away without having to come home? I was so proud and I could tell you were too. And do you remember when I used to be afraid of roller coasters and I would only go on them in I was with you? Well now look at me; you can’t keep me off of ‘em! And do you remember when we would hold hands and mine was always smaller than yours? And it would fit snugly in the palm of your hand? I hate that our hands are the same size now.
All of those memories are so clear to me. Those and so many more. But just because they happened once already doesn’t mean we can’t relive them. So I propose an outing. A weekend full of nothing but good times and laughs. Just you and me. Like old times. We can go to the zoo and look at the animals and come home and go on walks and hold hands. We can go to Wills Park to see the horses and I can feed them and giggle when they ‘kiss’ my hands. And we can go to six flags and ride every roller coaster in the park…3 times. All the while making new memories of our very own.
So what do ya say? Is it a deal? A date? Can we just ‘hang’ like we used to? Good Lord, I hope so…cause those days were the best.
Love always,
Alyson
‘Cherish those considered irreplaceable. To be cherished is to be loved, to be loved is to be honored, and to be honored is to be remembered.’