On growing up
I've had about four journals on this thing now. I went back and looked through all of them. All I can say is this must be growing up. I remember how it felt through every time, I stood up and left the way I always do. I changed, I learned. Is life a cycle of fights, adjustments, learning, raw pain, happieness, helplessness? Half the poems I've written I didn't even understand what I was writing. The songs I listened to invoked an emotion, but now there's a deeper level and I've started to edit them. Every year it feels like it's not enough. I'm pushing, I'm walking, I'm running, I stop for a while with someone, and then I'm off. No real rest, just a few months of peace.
The further I get from the innocence of youth, the harder it is to be as open. I use to be an introvert, it's possible I am despite the fact people who know me would object. I think it may be the cause of a lot of discord in my life. I know how I feel and I stand up for it for the most part, but I don't want to say what's important, I want to keep it to myself. Especially when angry, but I force myself to. I can see the trouble I've gotten myself into quite clearly reading over everything. And the lying. I've been doing so much lately, mostly to myself. I dispise dishonesty, it's part of why I'm so blunt.
The drugs probably haven't helped. It seems like I never learned my lesson with the birth control when I thought I did. Progestran makes me unstable, and it interacts horribly with my adderall. There's something in there that makes me feel dependent on other people and delusional about what I need too, the only times I've ever stayed when I've been hurt are the two times I took progesterian based bc pills. Even in high school, that hormonal time, I left my boyfriend because he hurt me, went away to boarding school because my whole social group was doing things that I didn't think where good for my future. I've always just left when it's needed, and I've never regretted it.
Most of the last year has been me doing things I should know better. In a way, I'm worse than 'serious' drug users. I've been on prescription drugs since kindergarten. My drinking didn't bother me, nor did the way I popped xanax to get over the side effects of going off the other ones. A complete loss of control, my private entries scare me looking back. Such a mess, I can blame others but no one forced me to take them. Oh, I still think no one should take advantage of someone on that many drugs, lead them by the nose and use lies to control them. People around at the time have told me how easily I followed, but I still was the one touching my mouth. I gave an opening, I can't blame someone else for taking advantage of it. Nor can I blame anyone for not knowing what was going on when I lied about everything to pretty much everyone, again, including me.
And the worst part is taking responsiblity, especially for the events of last Febuary. The me right now that's horrified wasn't there, I took some pills to get rid of it, as well as the anxiety and trama I was feeling, and landed myself in more. So other people lied about it, so others called me a whore. I did things against what I believe to be right. I didn't walk away. There's a reason I have no friends like the person I was hanging out with, they feel wrong to me, as he did when I first met him sober. Creepy. My ex has nothing to do with any of this, he's a nice guy when he wants to be, and my timing was off on when to leave. I still knew better, it's not like I wasn't aware when I switched all my meds what they might do.
No, I haven't been taking drugs. I haven't really been drinking since a few weeks ago either. I'm one of those people who just can't be around depressed drunks when I am, I get empathetic. It overrides my sense of me, which is why I like bars with certian friends only. It's time for a change, again. To get up and walk away from the things that let me allow myself to act like this. Ah, growing up. It hurts more than those aches in muscles did when I was little.
The further I get from the innocence of youth, the harder it is to be as open. I use to be an introvert, it's possible I am despite the fact people who know me would object. I think it may be the cause of a lot of discord in my life. I know how I feel and I stand up for it for the most part, but I don't want to say what's important, I want to keep it to myself. Especially when angry, but I force myself to. I can see the trouble I've gotten myself into quite clearly reading over everything. And the lying. I've been doing so much lately, mostly to myself. I dispise dishonesty, it's part of why I'm so blunt.
The drugs probably haven't helped. It seems like I never learned my lesson with the birth control when I thought I did. Progestran makes me unstable, and it interacts horribly with my adderall. There's something in there that makes me feel dependent on other people and delusional about what I need too, the only times I've ever stayed when I've been hurt are the two times I took progesterian based bc pills. Even in high school, that hormonal time, I left my boyfriend because he hurt me, went away to boarding school because my whole social group was doing things that I didn't think where good for my future. I've always just left when it's needed, and I've never regretted it.
Most of the last year has been me doing things I should know better. In a way, I'm worse than 'serious' drug users. I've been on prescription drugs since kindergarten. My drinking didn't bother me, nor did the way I popped xanax to get over the side effects of going off the other ones. A complete loss of control, my private entries scare me looking back. Such a mess, I can blame others but no one forced me to take them. Oh, I still think no one should take advantage of someone on that many drugs, lead them by the nose and use lies to control them. People around at the time have told me how easily I followed, but I still was the one touching my mouth. I gave an opening, I can't blame someone else for taking advantage of it. Nor can I blame anyone for not knowing what was going on when I lied about everything to pretty much everyone, again, including me.
And the worst part is taking responsiblity, especially for the events of last Febuary. The me right now that's horrified wasn't there, I took some pills to get rid of it, as well as the anxiety and trama I was feeling, and landed myself in more. So other people lied about it, so others called me a whore. I did things against what I believe to be right. I didn't walk away. There's a reason I have no friends like the person I was hanging out with, they feel wrong to me, as he did when I first met him sober. Creepy. My ex has nothing to do with any of this, he's a nice guy when he wants to be, and my timing was off on when to leave. I still knew better, it's not like I wasn't aware when I switched all my meds what they might do.
No, I haven't been taking drugs. I haven't really been drinking since a few weeks ago either. I'm one of those people who just can't be around depressed drunks when I am, I get empathetic. It overrides my sense of me, which is why I like bars with certian friends only. It's time for a change, again. To get up and walk away from the things that let me allow myself to act like this. Ah, growing up. It hurts more than those aches in muscles did when I was little.