take us down and we keep trying!
title: take us down and we keep trying!
sehun/kai; angst, hurt/comfort; pg-13; ~1,800
summary: Sehun and Jongin decided to be dead alive together.
warning: mentions of suicide, self harm
I stand up just to see
That all of the faces
You are the one next to me
You can see your life out the window
Tonight
If I lose myself tonight
It will be by your side
If I lose myself tonight
It will be you and I
Sehun felt the warmth of the sun radiating through the windows of his house. He wouldn’t exactly call it a home, since he’s barely inside the said compartment. He tries to reach out for the rays of the sun like it’s the only thing that can keep him going through all the shit that he’s been through. He thought of everything that had happened before he became a wreck, with all the smiles and heartfelt moments he experienced before he slowly decays into a different human being like a neutral color that has no life. He lifelessly feels the warmth of the sun, the light color of yellow effortlessly beaming through his windows touching his hands. It’s the only color that he can see at the moment which gives him time to think of things, but gives up feeling the warmth when he reached the thoughts of him slowly losing himself. He returns to his cold state - the lack of light in his life suddenly running through his veins.
As he remains to lie down, he felt his back aching and he suddenly remembers the hardness of the floor, how hard he might have fallen from his drunken state the moment he reached his house. He suddenly felt a different warmth radiating through his side. Sehun looked to his right and there, he saw his mate in all of the mess that he’s been through, his best friend through all of the developing wrecked moments he encountered and soon engulfed him, Kim Jongin.
Jongin is like Sehun. He would always reach for the sun for comfort and longing of warmth that his entire being misses. Both of them are like coldness that are trapped in each other’s presence, clinging onto each other, anxious of losing each other like they’re the only ones who can keep each other sane.
As Sehun stared at Jongin, the latter opened his eyes, squinting from the rays of the sun.
“Morning,” Sehun greeted his said mate and sat up, stretching his back in hopes of the ache fading away.
Jongin groaned as he let out a loud yawn and scratched his eye, “My head hurts like a bitch.”
Sehun chuckled and stood up to prepare a decent meal for him and Jongin. He wondered how long has it been since they had a proper meal, days or weeks maybe. As he was on his way to the kitchen, he sighed. What was I thinking, he thought. The fridge’s probably empty for a few weeks already, no proper ingredients or maybe even water.
With a sigh, he went back to the living room to see Jongin sleeping on the couch. Sehun thought that he looks rather peaceful, looks like nothing is bothering him. As he looked longer, he slightly envied the view. At the same time, relieved to see his best friend looking like he’s not in a broken state like how they used to be when they are awake, thrashing themselves in bars, drinking alcohol with so-called friends, sleeping with unknown people.
Sehun goes inside their shared room and lied down on the bed, sleep barely getting into him as thoughts swiveled in his mind again. He closed his eyes and painful memories flashed in his mind like a slow nightmare and he can’t seem to stop it like how he was abandoned by his parents because certain dreams are not meant to happen, so-called friends talking behind his back on why is he was abandoned, calling him names like “faggot,” “dick smoker,” “cock master” by people he does not even know, people slowly pushing him away, big people bullying him verbally then turning into physical abuse. At that moment of his life, he wanted to die already.
He was ready to cut himself behind an abandoned building hoping that he will be gone out of this world like how people wanted him to die, by leaving this world unknown, faceless, meaningless. He knew that dying behind an abandoned infrastructure will not give meaning to his death since no one would look for him, remember him.
When he was about to create a second cut on his wrist, he felt good and confident. He felt relieved that he will be soon gone in this cruel world. A chuckle went out of his lips when he finished his second cut. And another cut goes on, and another until he felt dizzy and he doesn’t have enough strength to continue further. As he made his last deep cut, he closed his eyes with a smile on his lips, whispering, “Finally.”
He thought he made it out of this brutal world that he’s living in but rather than feeling light, he felt heavy and pain is slowly seeping through his body. With the feeling of pain, he suddenly opened his eyes, but sudden vertigo made it worse and he doesn’t get what’s happening. He knows he should be dead, not breathing.
“Aren’t we too young to die?” Sehun was startled to hear a voice and suddenly looked for the source of the voice. He tried to sit, but he can barely get his head up. Panic is steering slowly in him, he wanted to move but he is in too much pain to make his a part of his body move an inch. He wanted to talk but he is too tired to make a noise.
A boy hovered over him, a cigarette between his lips. Sehun studied his face: he’s shades darker than him, black hair, eyes so hollow that he sees no life in it, and thick lips.
“Just sleep and you’ll feel better,” the voice is so soothing that it lulled Sehun to sleep as he slowly closed eyes but it’s too painful to sleep. He wants to sleep the pain away but he can’t.
Sehun opened his eyes to the stranger still staring at him and with the voice he has left, he dared to speak up, “Why did you--” his throat felt dry that he cannot even finish his sentence.
The boy got what he was saying, he answered as he blew a smoke, “You wanted to die alone and it is really pitiful.” Sehun did not get what the boy told him but he just became silent because he knows that every aspect of his being is pitiful that he knew there was no reason to live.
“You want to die because of what, people bringing you down? People being stupid? Society being fucked up? I might not know the reason but I think there’s no fun dying early,” he just listened to the boy to create a meaning of what he is saying, but said boy just continued, “There are more reasons to live by being more fucked up.” The boy just smiled lifelessly at Sehun.
“Society is so fucked up so boy if I were you, fuck what they say because fuck them, like why the fuck don’t they mind their own fucking business, it’s like they’re more fucked up than you,” Sehun thinks that the boy is not talking to him anymore but rather to himself. The latter of the two looked at him intently and gripped the front of his shirt, pulling him from the coldness of the make-shift bed.
The sudden movement made him dizzy and wanted to push the boy away and just lie down. As he was about to do it, the boy grabbed Sehun’s arms that were full of cuts. The boy unwrapped the bandage he made and slowly, Sehun saw how red it is and how he painful it is to look at.
“You see the cuts you made?” he squeezed Sehun’s arms as the latter writhed in pain. Fuck that hurts. “These cuts are a painful reminder of how stupid people can be, right?”
As the boy squeezed more of his arm, Sehun screamed louder, “Stop!”
“You want me to stop?” the boy laughed and Sehun thinks that this boy is a fucking lunatic. He can’t believe that a lunatic was the one who saved his life.
“Please fucking stop! It hurts!”
The stranger stopped squeezing as his laughs turned into chuckles, “Then don’t ever cut yourself again.”
Sehun can’t be thankful enough as he slightly nodded at the stranger in front of him.
“I’m Jongin, by the way,” the boy introduced himself with a smile.
“Sehun.” His voice cracked upon saying his name because his throat felt like it has been grated and it feels like a dried up ocean.
Sehun doesn’t know how their relationship worked out after that but he knew that Jongin helped him despite his weird philosophy in life. Jongin is lifeless like him but he would rather be dead alive than be actually dead.
For Jongin, he’s fucked up like the society and he just has to go with it. He wants to be with someone who is dead like him and as fate being at his side, he saw a boy lying almost lifeless behind a useless building. He chuckled upon seeing the state of the boy and shook his head. When he reached the boy, he saw how bad the situation is. Jongin took the boy in his house and cleaned the cuts and wrapped a bandage around his arm.
He can clearly see how fucked up the guy is so why not be fucked up with him?
Jongin almost lost himself in this cruel world, how horrible he felt and he just wanted to die and let the earth swallow him but as he was about to jump off the rooftop of his apartment complex, he saw the city lights being slowly lit up. He saw how the world can be bright despite it being fucked up. At that moment, he just wanted to go on with the flow of the society and see more of the bright lights at night.
Mornings were spent lying on the floor in his living room, thinking about how to put up with the nagging feeling inside his head that he should have jumped off but at the same time he thought that he should just try to live and see how his life would go on with his fucked up state. Nights were his favorite because it’s spent sitting on the rooftop of his apartment complex and just watch the city light up, his thoughts silent.
Jongin woke up and got up from the couch; he headed straight to the bedroom and slipped beside Sehun.
The warmth of another person beside Sehun made him open his eyes. He saw how dark it is through the bedroom window, maybe he actually slept or maybe his mind was swimming with useless yet painful thoughts. Sehun wrapped his arms around Jongin’s waist and Jongin cuddled closer to Sehun and he knows that Jongin is the only warmth he needs in his cold, dead life.
Even with the fucked up state they are both in, he knows that he will wake up with the sun beside him.
a/n: so this is a song fic inspired by one republic's if i lose myself. and yeah partially idk just some lines of the song maybe lol but omg hahahaha /shoots self/ this fic is so sudden i didnt even proof read it and edited it, i just wrote it while the song's on repeat so lols ok grats if you finished this fic! this fic is so pointless what the hell i dont even get it
but to be honest, i never thought that this will be an idk, self harm fic??? i did not know that it will lead to that ugh i hate how my plans does not cooperate with writing so yeah tootles