The Shawn and Andy Show
The FX network is having a contest where you make a five minute comedy short, the winner getitng 50 grand to film a comedy pilot, and the chance to pitch it to the network. This is the script we'll probably film.
INT. HOUSE -- DINING ROOM -- MORNING
SHAWN FIDDLES WITH A MACHINE. JUDD EATS CEREAL AT THE KITCHEN TABLE. ANDY ENTERS, SCRATCHING HIMSELF, YAWNING. ANDY APPRAOCHES SHAWN.
ANDY
(POINTING AT MACHINE)
What is that?
SHAWN
(NONCHALANT)
Time Machine.
ANDY
(POINTING AT SCREEN ON MACHINE)
What's that?
SHAWN
Time coordinate readout. I have it set to the dark ages. I'm going to joust with the Black Knight and dine with King Arthur.
ANDY
Did you pay the electric bill?
SHAWN
Yeah, sure.
SHAWN HOPS IN THE TIME MACHINE. HE PRESSES A BUTTON. THE LIGHTS BEGIN TO FLICKER AS THE MACHINE MAKES A STRANGE MECHANICAL SOUND. SHAWN DISAPPEARS, HAVING GONE BACK IN TIME. ANDY STARES AT THE MACHINE FOR A MOMENT, SHRUGS, AND SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH JUDD. ANDY POURS HIMSELF A BOWL OF CEREAL.
JUDD
(BETWEEN BITES OF CEREAL)
Where'd Shawn go?
ANDY
(BETWEEN BITES OF CEREAL)
Medieval England.
JUDD
(PAUSE)
Dang...
ANDY PICKS UP A PILE OF ENVELOPES SITTING ON THE TABLE.
ANDY
Is this the mail?
JUDD
Yep.
ANDY
(LOOKING THROUGH MAIL)
Bills, bills, bills, Box Social Invitation, Communist Propaganda Pamphlet, your Bed Bath and Beyond magazine-
JUDD
My mother signed me up for that.
ANDY
(HOLDING UP PORN MAGAZINE)
I suppose she signed you up for this too?
JUDD
(SNATCHING MAGAZINE)
They were supposed to send that in a brown, unmarked package!
ANDY
(HOLDING UP ENVELOPE)
What else do we have? An unopened electric bill. Three days late!? Shawn, you son of a-
SHAWN BURSTS INTO THE ROOM HOLDING A SMALL PORK TREAT.
SHAWN
Bacon! Medieval Bacon is so much better than modern bacon! Taste it, guys, it's crispy, and has a distinct smoked flavor!
JUDD TAKES A PIECE AND EXAMINES IT.
ANDY
(HOLDING ELECTRIC BILL)
Damnit, Shawn, what is this!?
SHAWN
Envelope.
ANDY
Yeah, and what's inside the envelope?
SHAWN
Most likely a sheet of paper with some kind of moveable type printed on it to form words, sentences, and paragraphs. But I'm merely speculating.
ANDY
It's the electric bill you said you paid!
SHAWN
I did pay it! But right after I mailed it, I realized we were out of pudding. That's the reason I invented the time machine in the first place! I went back in time three minutes and stopped myself from mailing the bill so we would have enough money.
ANDY
For what?
SHAWN
For pudding!
JUDD TAKES A BITE OUT OF THE BACON.
ANDY
You son of a-
JUDD
Bacon! This bacon is marvelous, you were right!
ANDY
What are we gonna do when the electric company guy comes to shut off the power?
SHAWN
I don't know, just shoot him in the face and dispose of his body or something.
ANDY
Shoot him in the face!?
SHAWN
Yeah. What, is that a crime?
ANDY
Yes!
SHAWN
Since when?
ANDY
You're fucking crazy! What is wrong with you!?
SHAWN
Andy, just...just come with me.
SHAWN PUTS HIS ARM AROUND ANDY'S SHOULDER AND ESCORTS HIM OUT OF THE ROOM.
MONTAGE: ANDY & SHAWN LOOK AT EACH OTHER LOVINGLY, THEY SKIP AROUND, HOLD HANDS, LAY IN THE GRASS TOGETHER, SHARE A MILK SHAKE, ETC.
END MONTAGE
INT. HOUSE -- DINING ROOM -- MORNING
SHAWN AND ANDY ENTER THE APARTMENT. THEY SIT DOWN AT THE KITCHEN TABLE.
ANDY
What the fuck did that have to do with anything?
SHAWN
You know what, I think we just bonded.
ANDY
What the...? I don't even know what's going on anymore.
SHAWN
Wasn't that just electric?
ANDY
What does that even mean!? You know what, Shawn, I don't even care anymore. I'm going to go see what Judd is doing.
INT. TV ROOM -- CONTINUOUS
SHOT OF TV SCREEN
WE SEE A WOMAN IN A BATHROBE SITTING ALONE, BORED. THERE'S A RING AT THE DOORBELL. SHE ANSWERS IT. AT THE DOOR IS AN ATTRACTIVE PLUMBER.
WOMAN ON TV
Yes?
PLUMBER ON TV
I'm here to check your pipes.
WOMAN ON TV
Thank god. They're so dirty.
CHEESY PORN MUSIC PLAYS.
BACK TO SCENE
ANDY ENTERS THE ROOM AND IMMEDIATELY REALIZES WHAT JUDD IS WATCHING.
ANDY
(ENTERING THE ROOM)
Hey, man...What the fuck are you watching?
JUDD
Shhh!
SHOT OF TV SCREEN
PLUMBER ON TV
I'm gonna clean your pipes good.
BACK TO SCENE
JUDD
Oh yeah, fill those pipes with your snake.
ANDY
Oh...my...god! Please tell me you're not gonna-
JUDD
Shhh! The best part is coming up.
SHOT OF TV SCREEN
PLUMBER ON TV
Which way to the bathroom?
WOMAN ON TV
Right this way.
THE MOVIE CUTS TO A BATHROOM. THE WOMAN AND THE PLUMBER ENTER.
BACK TO SCENE
WE HEAR THE DIALOGUE OF THE MOVIE OFF CAMERA. WE HEAR GRUNTS COMING FROM THE PLUMBER.
PLUMBER ON TV
You like how I fix your pipes?
WOMAN ON TV
(OFF CAMERA)
Oh yeah, you fix my pipes so good! Keep going!
JUDD
Here comes the money shot.
THERE'S A LOUD GRUNT COMING FROM THE TV.
SHOT OF TV SCREEN
THE PLUMBER STANDS UP. BOTH PEOPLE ARE STILL CLOTHED.
PLUMBER ON TV
Okay, there you go ma'am, the pipes are all fixed. That's going to come to $79.95 for repair and $59.95 for parts.
PLUMBER HANDS THE WOMAN A BILL.
WOMAN ON TV
Thank you.
BACK TO SCENE
ANDY
What the fuck were you just watching?
JUDD
(NONCHALANT)
Plumbing Documentary.
ANDY, HIS MIND COMPLETELY BOGGLED, EXITS THE ROOM. THE GHOST OF BILL PULLMAN ENTERS AND SITS ON THE COUCH NONCHALANTLY.
GHOST OF BILL PULLMAN
You guys are officially out of TP in the upstairs bathroom.
JUDD
Who are you?
GHOST OF BILL PULLMAN
I'm the ghost of Bill Pullman.
JUDD
Bill who?
GHOST OF BILL PULLMAN
Oh come on! You know! Bill Pullman! I played the president in Independence Day!
JUDD
Oh yeah! Wait, Bill Pullman isn't even dead.
GHOST OF BILL PULLMAN
That's not the point! The point is you must inform the world of my resurgence! I shall rise again!
JUDD
You still haven't explained to me how you're a ghost when Bill Pullman isn't even dead.
GHOST OF BILL PULLMAN
I was one of the most forgettable faces in Hollywood. I was always "That guy from Independence Day" or "The dad from Casper." No one remembered me in life, so why should they in death?
JUDD
Oh yeah, you were in Casper! I thought that was Bill Paxton or something.
GHOST OF BILL PULLMAN
There! You see!? I have chosen you to inform the masses! I will rise from the ashes and take my crimson revenge equal to that of one thousand ever-burning suns on this world! Tenfold!
JUDD
I gotta stop drinking this out-of-date Milk.
SHAWN ENTERS.
SHAWN
Judd, I need your help! I'm going back to 1776 so I can slip my signature on the declaration of independence so I can collect writing credit royalties.
JUDD
Wait...didn't you tell me to remind you of something. What was it? Like, it had to do with...cards? Or was it oven mitts? I think it had something to do with oven mitts. Or was it pigeons? No, I'm almost certain it had something to do with oven mitts.
SHAWN
I don't know, man, I have no idea what you're talking about.
JUDD
Oh, I know what it was! Your brother's Bar Mitzvah is today! That was it! You told me to remind you that your brother's Bar Mitzvah is is today! Jeez, I was way off with the oven mitts.
SHAWN
Blathering Blatherskites, I forgot!
JUDD
"Blathering Blatherskites"?
SHAWN
I don't have time to go into it! But if I don't go, my parents are going to write me out of their will! What should I do!?
JUDD
Just call and make up an excuse.
SHAWN
Good idea!
SHAWN PICKS UP THE PHONE, ONLY TO DISCOVER IT'S DEAD.
SHAWN
What the?
JUDD
That phone's broken. You have to use the basement phone.
SHAWN
Ah!
SHAWN FUMBLES WITH THE PHONE AWKWARDLY, GETTING TANGLED UP INT HE CORD. HE FREES HIMSELF.
SHAWN
(POINTING AT PHONE)
Phone!!!
SHAWN EXITS. ANDY ENTERS.
JUDD
Hey, Andy, George Washington Elementary is putting on a musical adaptation of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Wanna come?
ANDY
Oh god. Why don't we all collectively vomit on Kubrick's grave?
JUDD
Come on, it'll be fun!
ANDY
I can't. I'm going to the African American appreciation concert.
JUDD
Why?
ANDY
You know how I love the blues.
JUDD
Black guys didn't create the blues, Andy.
ANDY
Then who did?
JUDD
I don't know. But if black guys had created the blues, they'd be called the blacks.
ANDY
By your logic the blues was created by some sort of Smurf-like species.
JUDD
And that's all I'm trying to say.
ANDY
I am almost certain you're clinically insane.
SHAWN ENTERS.
SHAWN
There. Free and clear.
ANDY
What's going on?
SHAWN
I had to make up an excuse to my parents for missing my brother's Bar Mitzvah.
JUDD
Well what did you tell them?
SHAWN
I told them I was dead.
ANDY
Wait, what? You told them that you were dead?
SHAWN
Yeah.
ANDY
And they believed you?
SHAWN
I'm a good liar.
ANDY
Yeah, but, that doesn't make sense. How can you convince someone you're dead when they're on the phone with you?
SHAWN
It's all in the wrist. Besides, haven't you seen that episode of The Twilight Zone where the little kid can talk to dead relatives on his toy phone?
ANDY
But...but...that's not really the point. There would be no physiological way you can...but...what the...how can you...how can they...?
SHAWN
Don't worry, Andy, I'll explain it all to you...
FADE TO BLACK. FADE UP.
SHAWN
...And that's how it all happened.
ANDY
That's how what happened?
SHAWN
Didn't you listen to the story I just told?
ANDY
You didn't say anything. All you said was that you would explain it all, then the lights went out, then came back on, and you said "And that's how it all happened."
SHAWN
It must have been one of those rolling black-outs.
ANDY
(BEWILDERED)
You two are a self-indulgent satisfaction of my own sense of humor. I am fairly certain that neither of you exist. My only conclusion is that I created you in my own mind out of boredom with the world in hopes that my very interaction with you would shock and bewilder me to the point of entertainment.
SHAWN
You know what I just realized!? Why do we need pudding, when we can have pet midgets!?
JUDD
Oh...my...god... You are a genius!
SHAWN AND JUDD DOSEY-DOE WITH EACH OTHER.
ANDY
I'm...I'm going back to bed.
ANDY EXITS.
SHAWN
To the time machine!
SHAWN GETS IN THE TIME MACHINE. LIGHTS FLICKER. SHAWN DISAPPEARS IN THIN AIR. THE GHOST OF BILL PULLMAN AND JUDD SIT QUIETLY FOR A MOMENT.
JUDD
So uh...what are you doing right now?
GHOST OF BILL PULLMAN
Nothin'.
JUDD
Wanna play some Duck Hunt?
GHOST OF BILL PULLMAN
Oh sweet, you got that!?
JUDD
Is O.J. Simpson and innocent man?
CUT TO BLACK. THE END.
INT. HOUSE -- DINING ROOM -- MORNING
SHAWN FIDDLES WITH A MACHINE. JUDD EATS CEREAL AT THE KITCHEN TABLE. ANDY ENTERS, SCRATCHING HIMSELF, YAWNING. ANDY APPRAOCHES SHAWN.
ANDY
(POINTING AT MACHINE)
What is that?
SHAWN
(NONCHALANT)
Time Machine.
ANDY
(POINTING AT SCREEN ON MACHINE)
What's that?
SHAWN
Time coordinate readout. I have it set to the dark ages. I'm going to joust with the Black Knight and dine with King Arthur.
ANDY
Did you pay the electric bill?
SHAWN
Yeah, sure.
SHAWN HOPS IN THE TIME MACHINE. HE PRESSES A BUTTON. THE LIGHTS BEGIN TO FLICKER AS THE MACHINE MAKES A STRANGE MECHANICAL SOUND. SHAWN DISAPPEARS, HAVING GONE BACK IN TIME. ANDY STARES AT THE MACHINE FOR A MOMENT, SHRUGS, AND SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH JUDD. ANDY POURS HIMSELF A BOWL OF CEREAL.
JUDD
(BETWEEN BITES OF CEREAL)
Where'd Shawn go?
ANDY
(BETWEEN BITES OF CEREAL)
Medieval England.
JUDD
(PAUSE)
Dang...
ANDY PICKS UP A PILE OF ENVELOPES SITTING ON THE TABLE.
ANDY
Is this the mail?
JUDD
Yep.
ANDY
(LOOKING THROUGH MAIL)
Bills, bills, bills, Box Social Invitation, Communist Propaganda Pamphlet, your Bed Bath and Beyond magazine-
JUDD
My mother signed me up for that.
ANDY
(HOLDING UP PORN MAGAZINE)
I suppose she signed you up for this too?
JUDD
(SNATCHING MAGAZINE)
They were supposed to send that in a brown, unmarked package!
ANDY
(HOLDING UP ENVELOPE)
What else do we have? An unopened electric bill. Three days late!? Shawn, you son of a-
SHAWN BURSTS INTO THE ROOM HOLDING A SMALL PORK TREAT.
SHAWN
Bacon! Medieval Bacon is so much better than modern bacon! Taste it, guys, it's crispy, and has a distinct smoked flavor!
JUDD TAKES A PIECE AND EXAMINES IT.
ANDY
(HOLDING ELECTRIC BILL)
Damnit, Shawn, what is this!?
SHAWN
Envelope.
ANDY
Yeah, and what's inside the envelope?
SHAWN
Most likely a sheet of paper with some kind of moveable type printed on it to form words, sentences, and paragraphs. But I'm merely speculating.
ANDY
It's the electric bill you said you paid!
SHAWN
I did pay it! But right after I mailed it, I realized we were out of pudding. That's the reason I invented the time machine in the first place! I went back in time three minutes and stopped myself from mailing the bill so we would have enough money.
ANDY
For what?
SHAWN
For pudding!
JUDD TAKES A BITE OUT OF THE BACON.
ANDY
You son of a-
JUDD
Bacon! This bacon is marvelous, you were right!
ANDY
What are we gonna do when the electric company guy comes to shut off the power?
SHAWN
I don't know, just shoot him in the face and dispose of his body or something.
ANDY
Shoot him in the face!?
SHAWN
Yeah. What, is that a crime?
ANDY
Yes!
SHAWN
Since when?
ANDY
You're fucking crazy! What is wrong with you!?
SHAWN
Andy, just...just come with me.
SHAWN PUTS HIS ARM AROUND ANDY'S SHOULDER AND ESCORTS HIM OUT OF THE ROOM.
MONTAGE: ANDY & SHAWN LOOK AT EACH OTHER LOVINGLY, THEY SKIP AROUND, HOLD HANDS, LAY IN THE GRASS TOGETHER, SHARE A MILK SHAKE, ETC.
END MONTAGE
INT. HOUSE -- DINING ROOM -- MORNING
SHAWN AND ANDY ENTER THE APARTMENT. THEY SIT DOWN AT THE KITCHEN TABLE.
ANDY
What the fuck did that have to do with anything?
SHAWN
You know what, I think we just bonded.
ANDY
What the...? I don't even know what's going on anymore.
SHAWN
Wasn't that just electric?
ANDY
What does that even mean!? You know what, Shawn, I don't even care anymore. I'm going to go see what Judd is doing.
INT. TV ROOM -- CONTINUOUS
SHOT OF TV SCREEN
WE SEE A WOMAN IN A BATHROBE SITTING ALONE, BORED. THERE'S A RING AT THE DOORBELL. SHE ANSWERS IT. AT THE DOOR IS AN ATTRACTIVE PLUMBER.
WOMAN ON TV
Yes?
PLUMBER ON TV
I'm here to check your pipes.
WOMAN ON TV
Thank god. They're so dirty.
CHEESY PORN MUSIC PLAYS.
BACK TO SCENE
ANDY ENTERS THE ROOM AND IMMEDIATELY REALIZES WHAT JUDD IS WATCHING.
ANDY
(ENTERING THE ROOM)
Hey, man...What the fuck are you watching?
JUDD
Shhh!
SHOT OF TV SCREEN
PLUMBER ON TV
I'm gonna clean your pipes good.
BACK TO SCENE
JUDD
Oh yeah, fill those pipes with your snake.
ANDY
Oh...my...god! Please tell me you're not gonna-
JUDD
Shhh! The best part is coming up.
SHOT OF TV SCREEN
PLUMBER ON TV
Which way to the bathroom?
WOMAN ON TV
Right this way.
THE MOVIE CUTS TO A BATHROOM. THE WOMAN AND THE PLUMBER ENTER.
BACK TO SCENE
WE HEAR THE DIALOGUE OF THE MOVIE OFF CAMERA. WE HEAR GRUNTS COMING FROM THE PLUMBER.
PLUMBER ON TV
You like how I fix your pipes?
WOMAN ON TV
(OFF CAMERA)
Oh yeah, you fix my pipes so good! Keep going!
JUDD
Here comes the money shot.
THERE'S A LOUD GRUNT COMING FROM THE TV.
SHOT OF TV SCREEN
THE PLUMBER STANDS UP. BOTH PEOPLE ARE STILL CLOTHED.
PLUMBER ON TV
Okay, there you go ma'am, the pipes are all fixed. That's going to come to $79.95 for repair and $59.95 for parts.
PLUMBER HANDS THE WOMAN A BILL.
WOMAN ON TV
Thank you.
BACK TO SCENE
ANDY
What the fuck were you just watching?
JUDD
(NONCHALANT)
Plumbing Documentary.
ANDY, HIS MIND COMPLETELY BOGGLED, EXITS THE ROOM. THE GHOST OF BILL PULLMAN ENTERS AND SITS ON THE COUCH NONCHALANTLY.
GHOST OF BILL PULLMAN
You guys are officially out of TP in the upstairs bathroom.
JUDD
Who are you?
GHOST OF BILL PULLMAN
I'm the ghost of Bill Pullman.
JUDD
Bill who?
GHOST OF BILL PULLMAN
Oh come on! You know! Bill Pullman! I played the president in Independence Day!
JUDD
Oh yeah! Wait, Bill Pullman isn't even dead.
GHOST OF BILL PULLMAN
That's not the point! The point is you must inform the world of my resurgence! I shall rise again!
JUDD
You still haven't explained to me how you're a ghost when Bill Pullman isn't even dead.
GHOST OF BILL PULLMAN
I was one of the most forgettable faces in Hollywood. I was always "That guy from Independence Day" or "The dad from Casper." No one remembered me in life, so why should they in death?
JUDD
Oh yeah, you were in Casper! I thought that was Bill Paxton or something.
GHOST OF BILL PULLMAN
There! You see!? I have chosen you to inform the masses! I will rise from the ashes and take my crimson revenge equal to that of one thousand ever-burning suns on this world! Tenfold!
JUDD
I gotta stop drinking this out-of-date Milk.
SHAWN ENTERS.
SHAWN
Judd, I need your help! I'm going back to 1776 so I can slip my signature on the declaration of independence so I can collect writing credit royalties.
JUDD
Wait...didn't you tell me to remind you of something. What was it? Like, it had to do with...cards? Or was it oven mitts? I think it had something to do with oven mitts. Or was it pigeons? No, I'm almost certain it had something to do with oven mitts.
SHAWN
I don't know, man, I have no idea what you're talking about.
JUDD
Oh, I know what it was! Your brother's Bar Mitzvah is today! That was it! You told me to remind you that your brother's Bar Mitzvah is is today! Jeez, I was way off with the oven mitts.
SHAWN
Blathering Blatherskites, I forgot!
JUDD
"Blathering Blatherskites"?
SHAWN
I don't have time to go into it! But if I don't go, my parents are going to write me out of their will! What should I do!?
JUDD
Just call and make up an excuse.
SHAWN
Good idea!
SHAWN PICKS UP THE PHONE, ONLY TO DISCOVER IT'S DEAD.
SHAWN
What the?
JUDD
That phone's broken. You have to use the basement phone.
SHAWN
Ah!
SHAWN FUMBLES WITH THE PHONE AWKWARDLY, GETTING TANGLED UP INT HE CORD. HE FREES HIMSELF.
SHAWN
(POINTING AT PHONE)
Phone!!!
SHAWN EXITS. ANDY ENTERS.
JUDD
Hey, Andy, George Washington Elementary is putting on a musical adaptation of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Wanna come?
ANDY
Oh god. Why don't we all collectively vomit on Kubrick's grave?
JUDD
Come on, it'll be fun!
ANDY
I can't. I'm going to the African American appreciation concert.
JUDD
Why?
ANDY
You know how I love the blues.
JUDD
Black guys didn't create the blues, Andy.
ANDY
Then who did?
JUDD
I don't know. But if black guys had created the blues, they'd be called the blacks.
ANDY
By your logic the blues was created by some sort of Smurf-like species.
JUDD
And that's all I'm trying to say.
ANDY
I am almost certain you're clinically insane.
SHAWN ENTERS.
SHAWN
There. Free and clear.
ANDY
What's going on?
SHAWN
I had to make up an excuse to my parents for missing my brother's Bar Mitzvah.
JUDD
Well what did you tell them?
SHAWN
I told them I was dead.
ANDY
Wait, what? You told them that you were dead?
SHAWN
Yeah.
ANDY
And they believed you?
SHAWN
I'm a good liar.
ANDY
Yeah, but, that doesn't make sense. How can you convince someone you're dead when they're on the phone with you?
SHAWN
It's all in the wrist. Besides, haven't you seen that episode of The Twilight Zone where the little kid can talk to dead relatives on his toy phone?
ANDY
But...but...that's not really the point. There would be no physiological way you can...but...what the...how can you...how can they...?
SHAWN
Don't worry, Andy, I'll explain it all to you...
FADE TO BLACK. FADE UP.
SHAWN
...And that's how it all happened.
ANDY
That's how what happened?
SHAWN
Didn't you listen to the story I just told?
ANDY
You didn't say anything. All you said was that you would explain it all, then the lights went out, then came back on, and you said "And that's how it all happened."
SHAWN
It must have been one of those rolling black-outs.
ANDY
(BEWILDERED)
You two are a self-indulgent satisfaction of my own sense of humor. I am fairly certain that neither of you exist. My only conclusion is that I created you in my own mind out of boredom with the world in hopes that my very interaction with you would shock and bewilder me to the point of entertainment.
SHAWN
You know what I just realized!? Why do we need pudding, when we can have pet midgets!?
JUDD
Oh...my...god... You are a genius!
SHAWN AND JUDD DOSEY-DOE WITH EACH OTHER.
ANDY
I'm...I'm going back to bed.
ANDY EXITS.
SHAWN
To the time machine!
SHAWN GETS IN THE TIME MACHINE. LIGHTS FLICKER. SHAWN DISAPPEARS IN THIN AIR. THE GHOST OF BILL PULLMAN AND JUDD SIT QUIETLY FOR A MOMENT.
JUDD
So uh...what are you doing right now?
GHOST OF BILL PULLMAN
Nothin'.
JUDD
Wanna play some Duck Hunt?
GHOST OF BILL PULLMAN
Oh sweet, you got that!?
JUDD
Is O.J. Simpson and innocent man?
CUT TO BLACK. THE END.