In which the paper on Elizabeth I doesn't write itself
like taxes and death. (Thanks Ben Franklin for letting me barrow your line!) However, if you were to ask me five or even ten years ago where I expected myself to be now, my answer would be decisively different from where I actually am. I’ve come to understand that life is incredibly easy to plan, like I planned to graduate high school by the age of 18 and then graduate from college at the age of 22.
Yet here I am at the ripe old age of 22 with no end in sight. I wonder where I messed up, I wonder how my life has so drastically been steered off course and I know it is no one’s fault but my own.
But what can I say? I refuse to grow up. I still don’t know what I want to be when I finally do grow up. But the scary things I, I am grown up. I miss being able to say when I grow up…now, I say I would like to eventually be…but my career path has changed more often than Henry VIII has changed wives. One day I think law school might be fun, the next I seriously want to make my living being a writer. Now, I think being a history professor sounds good.
I know I have to stop this, as I am not getting any younger. I know I should hurry up and pick a career and start contributing to society. But what has society ever done for me? Except give me limitations and set the bar so high that I am doomed to fail.
I’ve been seriously thinking about just saying screw it, and pack up my belongings to go and live in a van down by the river. (Yeah, thanks Chris Farley)
The thought of abandoning civilization for the life of a hobo, I mean bohemian is sounding more appealing now that we are approaching the merry month of May. The month which untold numbers of people are graduating college and moving on, yet as for me I shall remain behind and watch another May pass me by.
It doesn’t help of course that I leave in a couple of weeks for my best friend’s graduation. I guess I can just come out and say it, I’m extremely jealous of her. It’s not fair that she has her life so well put together whereas I, well I considered it an accomplishment if I get up in the morning.
For those of you familiar with Harry Potter just think of Hermione, and you have my best friend. Now if you think of Ron with a dash of Neville, you have me. It’s annoying really, always having friends who are better at everything than you. You tend to consciously and subconsciously compare yourself to them. And frankly, I am soooo sick of comparing myself to other people.
But I’ve been doing it for so long that I don’t know what else to do. I want to be really good at everything I do, but at the same time I don’t bother because everyone else has already done it and been brilliant while doing so. I’m starting to feel like when it was being decided on what I was going to be when I grew up, the Fates couldn’t agree so I got cosmically screwed.
I’m just frustrated. Actually, I am so beyond frustrated that I cannot articulate my feelings accurately….damn my limited vocabulary.
I just want to do something that makes me happy, I want to wake up each day and look forward to going to work. And I want to hurry up and find out what that is so that I can start taking classes to reach my goal. Too bad I wasn’t born a gifted singer or a gifted artist. That way, my future would be secure.
Oh well, I guess I should stop whining and go work on my history paper that is not writing itself. I wish it would though and save me a headache.
Right, well goodbye my nonexistent readers.
The melancholy mTaichou aka ginxkira
The queen of indecisiveness since 2005
