"...And the clouds keep rolling on in."
I seem to be hitting a brick wall, in the form of my own limitations. I remember a time I could sit down at my computer and write until I couldn’t see straight. Now, I simply stare at my computer screen until I can’t see straight, waiting and praying for a stroke of inspiration.
Somehow I am responsible for my wellspring of ideas and words that have gone dry. If only I reverse it, and get the ideas and word out of my head and onto paper. I mean I can see it, I can see clearly what I want to say. Yet for some reason I cannot get it out, it’s like it gets lost on the way from my brain to my fingers.
The biggest problem I have is this story that I have been working on ever since I was 15.
I think my problem is I have way too much plot, but I don’t know how to trim it down. I wish I could find someone to read it and would then give me some really good constructive criticism.
But in my foolishness I admit that I am afraid to let people read what I write. I am terrified they will tell me I have no talent, and that I should just give up my hopes on becoming a published author.
I mean I love writing, more than I love history or books. I’ve been making up stories in my head before I knew my ABC’s.
When my cousin lived with us, when I was 12 and she was 16, we shared a room. I don’t really remember how it started, but I started telling her stories before we went to sleep. We would just lie there, and I would let my imagination run wild. It even got to the point she started requesting them. I would never plan them out; I would just make them up as I went along. But she seemed to really enjoy them, and I enjoyed telling them.
The same could be said when my brother and I were younger, if he would sleep with me he would demand stories before we went to sleep. Once again, I enjoyed the act of storytelling. I realized that stories do much more than entertain, they enlighten.
Storytelling is such a huge part of my life, I constantly think about it. Different worlds and people always fill my head, (actually that is probably why I was such a poor student throughout grade school). And if I had to give that up, my life would be very empty. I think that ink runs through my veins instead of blood, or at least it used too.
Now I have received some advice from a fellow writer and friend, she told me to get to know my characters. I’ve never really tried that, I don’t know why. I mean, what would it hurt?
If I asked my main character out for drinks, what would be talk about?
I think first of all, I have to get a handle on her personality. You would think, after 7 years I would have her personality, to the point of her favorite color, down straight. But that is not true.
Because this story has been with me so long, it has evolved. Of course that means that characters have evolved along with it.
She has gone from valiant hero to tragic hero. From Voldemort level of villain to Darth Vader level and I still don’t know!
But let’s see…if I could describe her personality…
Well for one, she is tough yet at the same time weak. I think she is very complex; she is truly loyal only to one person. Her loyalty to other people only carried her so far. She is easily hurt, and hangs on to those bitter feelings. She is in a lot of ways, childish. Only looking for things that benefit her and using people to achieve what she wants. If I could sort her in a House, it would definitely be Slytherin. (I admit, some of my personality is in her, not all but some).
She is gullible in a lot of ways, allowing herself to be used and then getting upset when she realizes it. She doesn’t really question authority; she is used to letting people handle her life in every detail. So when that authority betrays and uses her, she takes it personal. Maybe even beyond personal, because she vows to lay waste to that authority.
Going back to the House she would be sorted in, she is of course not lacking in intelligence. I am not talking Ravenclaw smarts, but snake smarts. She is clever, cool, and calculating, which is a dangerous combination because she had a temper and can also act rash. That is why I said she is complex and to the point of a walking contradiction.
When she is your friend, she would willingly die for you. Which also might suggest her second House is Gryffindor. But when she is your enemy, she would hunt you down even if it meant her own death.
She truly does care about the people she happens to betray, as funny as that sounds. But in her mind, she is not betraying her friends or her country or even the person she loves and the person who basically raised her. She is out for revenge.
Now I am pretty sure we have all seen Kill Bill (if not, stop reading and go watch Vol. I&II) So we all know what a woman bent on revenge can do. (kinda picture that, but with a whole army at my main characters disposal.)
For obvious reasons, I will not go into why she is so hell bent on revenge, but she does have a good reason. Yet, there were plenty of other avenues she could have gone down but because of limited sight, inherited or otherwise, she chooses the bloodiest path.
Now I would like to take the time to step away from my own story and discuss revenge as a plot device. I realize there are a lot of stories out there about revenge; some have a nobler outline than others. In fact, Dumbledore tells Harry in HBP that if it wasn’t for the prophecy stating that he would have to kill Voldemort, Harry would want to for other reasons. Namely, revenge for the deaths of his parents.
So in the case of Harry, revenge is not seen as something corrupting but as something that would give him peace of mind.
So what would the difference be between Harry’s revenge and my characters?
I guess it comes down to revenge for oneself and revenge for other people.
In the case of Harry, he had his life take away because of Voldemort and therefore wished to pay him back because of it. But I would like to categorize Harry in the revenge for others category, after all the deaths of Lily, James, Sirius, and Cedric weighed heavily on his mind. And Harry himself stated that he would want to kill Voldemort for that.
Yet we are always taught that revenge is a double edge sword and the path of revenge is seldom a straight one, etcetera and so on. Revenge is something that darkens your heart and clouds your mind. But on the other hand, is revenge fine if it is in the name of others? I keep going back to Harry Potter because, laugh if you will; those books have had a profound impact on my life. So with Harry, we are ready to sympathize with the poor orphan and his quest to seek revenge.
Yet with my character, orphaned as well, it is easier to look down on her quest for revenge because of her ways of attaining it.
I realize it is a bit presumptuous to talk about Harry Potter and my own nameless works in the same sentence, but I am just trying to work out the parallels of revenge. I have read countless books in my life time, and have come across countless stories of revenge, but I like to use Harry because it is easiest for me.
I find the act of revenge or pursuing it, fascinating. Mainly because it entails the same thing, but can be very different at the same time, i.e.: revenge for oneself= wrong and revenge for others=noble. At least that is how I see it, I am sure other people disagree with me. But I am not writing to please them. I am writing to get my thoughts about my central plot points in order.
Gosh, this was supposed to be about figuring out my main character and I went clear off into left field, talking about the essence of revenge. What can I say; I have a bit of a philosopher in me. I would really like to go into further detail about the different types of revenge and whatnot, but I feel long winded!
In my defense, I have no one else to talk about this to. No one else cares about philosophy and plot devices. So I am forced to keep in all in my head or write it down here. So for the sake of cutting this short or shorter I will end it here.
Next time, in gxk’s philosophy corner, we will be discussing perfection and its impact on the human psyche. ;)
So goodbye, my nonexistent readers, until I have more mindless dribble to contribute.
Signed,
The stalwart mTaichou (InkMask from here on out) aka ginxkira
Suffering from writers block since…well a very long time.