Confession
Title: Confession
Author: girl_dean
Character/pairing: Sam/girl!Dean (Dee)
Rated: G
Word Count: 1200
Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine. Written for fun, not for profit.
Notes: Takes place during 1x10, (Asylum). Totally self-indulgent, my own personal Sam/girl!Dean canon.
Written for spn_30snapshots Prompt: Tell
Summary: Sam comes clean to the counselor.
“If you’re a local history buff, then you know all about the Roosevelt Riot.”
“The riot...no, I know...about the riot. I’m just curious…”
The doctor interrupts him, voice sharp, as he drops his notepad back on the desk behind him.“Sam, let’s cut the bull, shall we?” Leaning forward, elbows on his knees, he says, “You’re avoiding the subject.”
Sam stares at him, confused. “What subject?”
“You. Now, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll tell you all about the Roosevelt Riot, if you tell me something honest about yourself. Like, this sister you’re road tripping with. How do you feel about her?”
Sam’s brow furrows. His eyes drop to the floor, and the doctor knows he’s on to something.
“Is she older or younger?”
Sam still doesn’t respond. He's still considering the doctor's proposal. He thinks about everything that has happened over the last few months. He thinks about the dreams he's been having and about Jessica. About the pain of knowing that he could have saved her. He thinks about Dee and the torrent of emotions he feels every time he looks at her.
This doctor is giving him the chance to let it all out. And it's not like he's going to see the guy again. He just wonders how completely honest he should be.
The doctor gives him and opening when he asks, “You must be close to her if you're taking a road trip together.”
“We are.” Sam admits. “We're really close. At least...we were before...”
The doctor waits patiently for him to continue. His eyes are kind and Sam finally decides to be totally honest.
“We were before I left for college. It was really hard leaving her behind. I didn't want to but I had to. I asked her to come with me but she refused. Wouldn't leave our dad.” He pauses, gathering his thoughts. “That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Leaving her behind.”
There's a hard knot in his throat and he can feel the tears burning behind his eyes. He clears his throat, rubs his hands on his jeans.
“But then I met someone. And...it got a little easier.”
“You found a girlfriend?” the doctor asks, encouragingly.
Sam nods and clears his throat again. “It was nice. I'd never had a real girlfriend before. Before...it was always Dee. Only Dee.
The doctor's forehead crinkles as he asks, “Dee?”
“My sister.”
The doctor nods, hums softly in his throat. He lifts the notepad, resting it back in his lap.
Sam goes on. “Jess was beautiful. And I loved her. It was easy to love her. We even lived together for a while.”
“And then what happened?”
Sam says, voice soft. “She died.” He looks at the floor again. He doesn't want to see the look of sympathy on the doctor's face.
“I could have saved her...but...”
“Can I ask how she passed?”
“It was...it was a fire.”
The doctor grimaces and Sam looks away again, shifts in his seat.
“I could have saved her.” he repeats.
“How?”
“I could have kept her away from the apartment. I should have...” Sam stops and takes a deep breath. There's no way to explain the dreams that turned out to be real. He lets it go.
“Now I am with my sister again and I feel...sometimes it feels like I never left. Just being near her again. Sharing a room again. I feel like I am betraying Jessica.”
“Why?”
“Because...because I'm happy. When I'm with Dee. Sometimes I even have to remind myself that...”
The doctor leans forward in his chair, studying Sam's face. “Remind yourself of what?”
“That I shouldn't be happy.”
The doctor lets out a heavy sigh. “Sam, I think what you're feeling is survivor's guilt. Because you lived, when your girlfriend didn't.”
Sam nods his head slightly. “Maybe. But it's more than that.”
“Why do you say that?”
Sam takes a moment to think. He can still see Jessica coming home from class. The way she grinned when she saw him, the way she was just so happy to see him. He remembers the way her lips felt when they kissed. How good it felt not to have to hide how much he wanted to touch her, to be touched by her. How normal it felt. How safe. How proud he was to be with such a beautiful and kind person. To be able to call her his girlfriend.
But he also sees Dee and the way her face lights up when she takes a bite of pie. How proud she looked when he came home from school with another A on a test. How much he tried to deny how he really felt about her and how he would have done anything to be able to touch her, to taste her lips. And how when he finally did, the connection was so powerful, so overwhelming, so deep, that it left permanent mark on his soul. Like until that moment, he'd only been half a person, and suddenly, he was whole.
Sam looks at the doctor, eyes resigned. “Because I could never have loved Jess as much as I love Dee.”
The doctor studies Sam's face long and hard. Sam stares back, unmoving, daring the doctor to understand the full meaning behind his words.
After a prolonged moment of silence, the doctor finally looks away. “I see,” he says, voice rough. The man fidgets in his seat, smooths down his pant legs, doesn't look at Sam but Sam can see the wheels turning in his head.
“I see,” he says again, before finally meeting Sam's eyes again. “And how long...I mean...” He takes another long moment to choose his words. Finally he asks, “Does your sister feel the same way?”
Sam sinks back into his chair with a weary sigh. He nods his head once and says, “Yeah...I think so. We've...just once. It was only once. But I'm not even sure she really wanted to. I mean, I was leaving, going to college. I thought I might never see her again. I really wasn't sure. And I know she would do anything for me. I know that. So I'm afraid she...she did it just to make me happy. And it's not like I can just ask her.”
“You don't talk about it?”
“We didn't talk for 2 years.”
“And what brought you back together?”
“We're trying to find our dad. He disappeared.”
“So it's not so much a road trip as it is a search party?”
Sam nods. “But now that we're together again...”
His voice trails off and the doctor finishes for him.
“The old feelings are coming back.
Sam nods again. “I feel like I am betraying Jessica.”
The doctor looks down at his notepad, clearly trying to think of what to say next. Sam doesn't give him a chance to decide though. Clearing his throat and sitting up straighter, Sam leans forward and says, “Ok, so, I shared. Now it's your turn.”
The doctor tries to get him talking again but Sam's had enough. It felt good to get all that out, but now it's time to put those thoughts and emotions back into their little box and focus on the job at hand.
Author: girl_dean
Character/pairing: Sam/girl!Dean (Dee)
Rated: G
Word Count: 1200
Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine. Written for fun, not for profit.
Notes: Takes place during 1x10, (Asylum). Totally self-indulgent, my own personal Sam/girl!Dean canon.
Written for spn_30snapshots Prompt: Tell
Summary: Sam comes clean to the counselor.
“If you’re a local history buff, then you know all about the Roosevelt Riot.”
“The riot...no, I know...about the riot. I’m just curious…”
The doctor interrupts him, voice sharp, as he drops his notepad back on the desk behind him.“Sam, let’s cut the bull, shall we?” Leaning forward, elbows on his knees, he says, “You’re avoiding the subject.”
Sam stares at him, confused. “What subject?”
“You. Now, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll tell you all about the Roosevelt Riot, if you tell me something honest about yourself. Like, this sister you’re road tripping with. How do you feel about her?”
Sam’s brow furrows. His eyes drop to the floor, and the doctor knows he’s on to something.
“Is she older or younger?”
Sam still doesn’t respond. He's still considering the doctor's proposal. He thinks about everything that has happened over the last few months. He thinks about the dreams he's been having and about Jessica. About the pain of knowing that he could have saved her. He thinks about Dee and the torrent of emotions he feels every time he looks at her.
This doctor is giving him the chance to let it all out. And it's not like he's going to see the guy again. He just wonders how completely honest he should be.
The doctor gives him and opening when he asks, “You must be close to her if you're taking a road trip together.”
“We are.” Sam admits. “We're really close. At least...we were before...”
The doctor waits patiently for him to continue. His eyes are kind and Sam finally decides to be totally honest.
“We were before I left for college. It was really hard leaving her behind. I didn't want to but I had to. I asked her to come with me but she refused. Wouldn't leave our dad.” He pauses, gathering his thoughts. “That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Leaving her behind.”
There's a hard knot in his throat and he can feel the tears burning behind his eyes. He clears his throat, rubs his hands on his jeans.
“But then I met someone. And...it got a little easier.”
“You found a girlfriend?” the doctor asks, encouragingly.
Sam nods and clears his throat again. “It was nice. I'd never had a real girlfriend before. Before...it was always Dee. Only Dee.
The doctor's forehead crinkles as he asks, “Dee?”
“My sister.”
The doctor nods, hums softly in his throat. He lifts the notepad, resting it back in his lap.
Sam goes on. “Jess was beautiful. And I loved her. It was easy to love her. We even lived together for a while.”
“And then what happened?”
Sam says, voice soft. “She died.” He looks at the floor again. He doesn't want to see the look of sympathy on the doctor's face.
“I could have saved her...but...”
“Can I ask how she passed?”
“It was...it was a fire.”
The doctor grimaces and Sam looks away again, shifts in his seat.
“I could have saved her.” he repeats.
“How?”
“I could have kept her away from the apartment. I should have...” Sam stops and takes a deep breath. There's no way to explain the dreams that turned out to be real. He lets it go.
“Now I am with my sister again and I feel...sometimes it feels like I never left. Just being near her again. Sharing a room again. I feel like I am betraying Jessica.”
“Why?”
“Because...because I'm happy. When I'm with Dee. Sometimes I even have to remind myself that...”
The doctor leans forward in his chair, studying Sam's face. “Remind yourself of what?”
“That I shouldn't be happy.”
The doctor lets out a heavy sigh. “Sam, I think what you're feeling is survivor's guilt. Because you lived, when your girlfriend didn't.”
Sam nods his head slightly. “Maybe. But it's more than that.”
“Why do you say that?”
Sam takes a moment to think. He can still see Jessica coming home from class. The way she grinned when she saw him, the way she was just so happy to see him. He remembers the way her lips felt when they kissed. How good it felt not to have to hide how much he wanted to touch her, to be touched by her. How normal it felt. How safe. How proud he was to be with such a beautiful and kind person. To be able to call her his girlfriend.
But he also sees Dee and the way her face lights up when she takes a bite of pie. How proud she looked when he came home from school with another A on a test. How much he tried to deny how he really felt about her and how he would have done anything to be able to touch her, to taste her lips. And how when he finally did, the connection was so powerful, so overwhelming, so deep, that it left permanent mark on his soul. Like until that moment, he'd only been half a person, and suddenly, he was whole.
Sam looks at the doctor, eyes resigned. “Because I could never have loved Jess as much as I love Dee.”
The doctor studies Sam's face long and hard. Sam stares back, unmoving, daring the doctor to understand the full meaning behind his words.
After a prolonged moment of silence, the doctor finally looks away. “I see,” he says, voice rough. The man fidgets in his seat, smooths down his pant legs, doesn't look at Sam but Sam can see the wheels turning in his head.
“I see,” he says again, before finally meeting Sam's eyes again. “And how long...I mean...” He takes another long moment to choose his words. Finally he asks, “Does your sister feel the same way?”
Sam sinks back into his chair with a weary sigh. He nods his head once and says, “Yeah...I think so. We've...just once. It was only once. But I'm not even sure she really wanted to. I mean, I was leaving, going to college. I thought I might never see her again. I really wasn't sure. And I know she would do anything for me. I know that. So I'm afraid she...she did it just to make me happy. And it's not like I can just ask her.”
“You don't talk about it?”
“We didn't talk for 2 years.”
“And what brought you back together?”
“We're trying to find our dad. He disappeared.”
“So it's not so much a road trip as it is a search party?”
Sam nods. “But now that we're together again...”
His voice trails off and the doctor finishes for him.
“The old feelings are coming back.
Sam nods again. “I feel like I am betraying Jessica.”
The doctor looks down at his notepad, clearly trying to think of what to say next. Sam doesn't give him a chance to decide though. Clearing his throat and sitting up straighter, Sam leans forward and says, “Ok, so, I shared. Now it's your turn.”
The doctor tries to get him talking again but Sam's had enough. It felt good to get all that out, but now it's time to put those thoughts and emotions back into their little box and focus on the job at hand.