(no subject)
X= done
- = not done
(-) been drunk
(x) smoked pot
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
(-) crashed a friend's car
(-) been to japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been in love
(-) had sex
(-) had sex in public
(-) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
(-) been fired
(x) been in a fist fight
(-) had a threesome
(-) snuck out of my parent's house
(x) been caught masturbating
(-) peed on myself
(-) had sex with a member of the same sex
(-) been arrested
(-) made out with a stranger
(-) stole something from my job
(-) celebrated new years in time square
(-) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(-) had a crush on a teacher
(-) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(-) been to europe
(x) skipped school
(-) slept with a co-worker
(-) cut myself on purpose
(-) had sex at the office
(-) been married
(-) gotten divorced
(-) had children
(x) lash out irrationally
(-) went to the movies just to make out in the backrow
(-) fooled around with a stripper to entertain people at a party
(-) wondered what my sister looks like naked
(x) stayed on the phone all night
(x) pulled an all-nighter 2 nights in a row
(x) Called someone a racial term
(x) Gave a lapdance
(-) Smoked crack
(x) watched a porn
(-) Hooked up with a friend's boyfriend/girlfriend
(-) Went to work still drunk from the night before
(-) Made a "home video"
(-) had a bat mitzvah
(-) been high on life (WHY???)
(-) been to ecuador
(x) peed in the pool
(-) taken nude pics of myself
(x) Been swordfighting with real swords
(-) Thrown up while having sex
(-) been in the mile high club
(-) danced on the bar
(-) had a one night stand
(-) thrown up after sex
(-) had a cop knock on your window while having sex
(-) made out with someone you really didn't like
(-) Fucked over your boss
Okay, now that i realize that I have done NOTHING with my life, I am gonna go get laid....LOL haha yeah right good old Loni would never do anything like that
However, good old Loni is really really wanting to stop being this THING and be herself. I was myself once and I had everything I wanted and then I had to listen to other people and now I dont have the guy that liked me for me nor the life I had that was all me......and I want it back.
Look, I love all my friends but so few has seen the real me, my mom is like that, she hides the real her and I see that being kicked more and more out of her by my grandmother aka her own mother.
I dont want to be my grandma I dont want to be my mom and I sure the fuck dont want to be my DAD
I WANT TO BE ME
I am not sweet, I am not kind, I am not a fucking carpet for people to walk on....
I am LONI MARIE LOYA
I cry when things get to hard, I laugh when things are wierd
I hide when things get too tough, and I wish for things I dont have.
Given, these are things that anyone has but I cant....because when I do them, in this house, consequences happen to others. Yeah I know drama city but its NOT
I cant explain it in words, only living here or being in my body can explain it....maybe not even that way.
I want something solid in my life, and NO I dont mean a boyfriend or anything like that, as for that, I am glad to be single right now because I need to find me before I ever can truly find "him".
I want GOD or someone to help me when I call, I want that kind of faith, I want to stop having to have things proving to me and just belive but my believer is broken. Ripped out by this fucking life.....
Yes, behind the face of someone you didnt think cared, is someone who wants a normal life with a normal family and a normal everything...
Point the way to Pleasentville and I will go running.
Look I know everyone's life is fucked right now and I am truly sorry but
I dont want my life....I would rather have yours.
I dont want to be here yet I cant leave'
No this isnt a fucking sucicde letter nor a pity party
THis has just been the fucking nightmare Spring Break
Any version of hell is saner than my life right now
And the wheel of hell keeps spinning
Dont pity me....Dont try to make it better.....FOR some FUCKING reason I picked this life and I have to live it.....Damn me picking it but somehow it will work out...I hope....it better......please god let it work out...........please.......