Public speaking is anxiety inducing.
Sorry for that lack of an actual entry. Have been wasting all my time on twitter and reddit and school work. Important things like lj have been falling through the cracks.
This was written for my EDUC100 class assignment of a "personal narrative".
I’ve always hated public speaking. I realized this early on.
The elementary school I went to was a small one. It was only K to 4 and at its biggest enrollment had maybe 150 kids. In grade 4, my class had an assignment to write a speech. It was very open ended. We could speak on whatever we wanted to, it just had to be under the time limit.
As that year I had joined the Strings program, my current fascination was with the violin. So this became my topic. I did research on the history of violins, as well as how they were made. I’m not sure what happened between the researching and the presentation due date, but when that arrived, I did not have a presentation ready to present. The thought of giving a speech in front of my class was terrifying. My method of dealing with this crisis was probably not ideal. It may or may not have involved hiding under the covers and declaring that I would not be going to school that day. Some where in my nine year old brain it had been decided that if I did not have anything to present, I simply wouldn’t have to get up in front of my classmates to give a speech. Occasionally I find my twenty five year old brain attempting to use this line of reasoning as well. As we all know that if we avoid the problem, it will magically go away on its own!
My mom, being the wonderfully supportive person she is, took the morning off work, and acted as a typist while I dictated my research at her. We printed out the speech in into manageable chunks and pasted it onto a bunch of index cards.
The afternoon passed in a blur. I gave my speech, the class applauded and life carried on. A week or so later my teacher approached me and asked if I would like to give my presentation in front of the school at the weekly assembly. I had been voted best speech in the class. I froze, stammering out something resembling a NO WAY JOSE. That week at the assembly my arch-nemesis Katie gave her speech instead.
This story seems kind of odd looking back on it. Despite my unpreparedness for the due date, and my success at delivery, my 9 year old self was still paralyzed at standing up in front of a crowd of people. Why couldn’t I have take my initial success and build it into an even bigger success?
This of course was only my first brush with public speaking. There would be many more opportunities for anxiety to visit later in life. In high school there were oral presentations in French class. I got around it in almost every other class that had a presentation component by coming up with some sort of creative alternative. Some teachers were even sympathetic to my plight and let me present not in front of the class.
After high school I was off to BCIT to realize my dream of becoming a computer programmer. As part of the program I was enrolled in, we were required to take a business communications class. In this class I put together a presentation on ergonomics, a very important topic for computer programmers (or anyone with a desk job really). I was super prepared! I had snazzy PowerPoint slides and an interactive component where everyone learned some stretches. It was my best presentation yet. I felt on top of the world for pulling it off. Imagine my disappointment when weeks later I received a failing grade for the assignment because I had “looked nervous”. After this defeat, I returned to hiding in the shadows and avoiding speaking in front of crowds.
The following year, I found myself working in a climbing gym as belay staff. So you can see how the computer programming thing worked out. This often involved doing a short orientation for groups of people who had never been climbing before. Usually birthday parties filled with children. Oddly, while at this job I didn’t experience any of the anxiety that I had prior to other speaking events. I chalked this up to the dynamic of speaking to a bunch of kids rather than my peers. At least I did until a couple of adult groups come through. Why was giving the safety spiel not nerve-wracking like my high school French presentations? I think in this case it might have just been power dynamics. I knew that I knew more than my audience.
Let us fast forward again. Now I’m at SFU, I had a presentation with which I had some more of those snazzy PowerPoint slides. In all of my preparations I somehow neglected to print out my speaking notes from the same laptop the presentation was on. In the mad 30 second scramble that happens as you take the front of the class and get ready for your presentation I couldn’t figure out how to display my talking points and my slides at the same time. I did the presentation entirely from memory, despite having not actually memorized any of it. Result? The exact opposite of the BCIT experience. I got an excellent grade on the presentation.
What was the difference between all these experiences that made them have such different outcomes? I was shy as a child. Then a self-consciousness teenager. The switch was flipped, not because I started imagining my audience in their underwear, but because I had grown some confidence. Putting off writing my speech did nothing to help my anxiety about the experience. To the point that I couldn’t step back and enjoy my success. At BCIT I thought I had done everything right, but got derailed by an unsupportive teacher. Working at the climbing gym, I knew those safety rules inside and out, my audience didn’t matter, because I was confident that I knew the answers for any questions they might have had. Being prepared before a presentation meant that when my technology didn’t cooperate, I didn’t get too flustered and was able to continue. My level of preparation seems to my level of anxiety. I think my own evolution as a public speaker is due in part to learning to be prepared, and part growing up and becoming more confident in my own abilities.
I still hate public speaking though.
This was written for my EDUC100 class assignment of a "personal narrative".
I’ve always hated public speaking. I realized this early on.
The elementary school I went to was a small one. It was only K to 4 and at its biggest enrollment had maybe 150 kids. In grade 4, my class had an assignment to write a speech. It was very open ended. We could speak on whatever we wanted to, it just had to be under the time limit.
As that year I had joined the Strings program, my current fascination was with the violin. So this became my topic. I did research on the history of violins, as well as how they were made. I’m not sure what happened between the researching and the presentation due date, but when that arrived, I did not have a presentation ready to present. The thought of giving a speech in front of my class was terrifying. My method of dealing with this crisis was probably not ideal. It may or may not have involved hiding under the covers and declaring that I would not be going to school that day. Some where in my nine year old brain it had been decided that if I did not have anything to present, I simply wouldn’t have to get up in front of my classmates to give a speech. Occasionally I find my twenty five year old brain attempting to use this line of reasoning as well. As we all know that if we avoid the problem, it will magically go away on its own!
My mom, being the wonderfully supportive person she is, took the morning off work, and acted as a typist while I dictated my research at her. We printed out the speech in into manageable chunks and pasted it onto a bunch of index cards.
The afternoon passed in a blur. I gave my speech, the class applauded and life carried on. A week or so later my teacher approached me and asked if I would like to give my presentation in front of the school at the weekly assembly. I had been voted best speech in the class. I froze, stammering out something resembling a NO WAY JOSE. That week at the assembly my arch-nemesis Katie gave her speech instead.
This story seems kind of odd looking back on it. Despite my unpreparedness for the due date, and my success at delivery, my 9 year old self was still paralyzed at standing up in front of a crowd of people. Why couldn’t I have take my initial success and build it into an even bigger success?
This of course was only my first brush with public speaking. There would be many more opportunities for anxiety to visit later in life. In high school there were oral presentations in French class. I got around it in almost every other class that had a presentation component by coming up with some sort of creative alternative. Some teachers were even sympathetic to my plight and let me present not in front of the class.
After high school I was off to BCIT to realize my dream of becoming a computer programmer. As part of the program I was enrolled in, we were required to take a business communications class. In this class I put together a presentation on ergonomics, a very important topic for computer programmers (or anyone with a desk job really). I was super prepared! I had snazzy PowerPoint slides and an interactive component where everyone learned some stretches. It was my best presentation yet. I felt on top of the world for pulling it off. Imagine my disappointment when weeks later I received a failing grade for the assignment because I had “looked nervous”. After this defeat, I returned to hiding in the shadows and avoiding speaking in front of crowds.
The following year, I found myself working in a climbing gym as belay staff. So you can see how the computer programming thing worked out. This often involved doing a short orientation for groups of people who had never been climbing before. Usually birthday parties filled with children. Oddly, while at this job I didn’t experience any of the anxiety that I had prior to other speaking events. I chalked this up to the dynamic of speaking to a bunch of kids rather than my peers. At least I did until a couple of adult groups come through. Why was giving the safety spiel not nerve-wracking like my high school French presentations? I think in this case it might have just been power dynamics. I knew that I knew more than my audience.
Let us fast forward again. Now I’m at SFU, I had a presentation with which I had some more of those snazzy PowerPoint slides. In all of my preparations I somehow neglected to print out my speaking notes from the same laptop the presentation was on. In the mad 30 second scramble that happens as you take the front of the class and get ready for your presentation I couldn’t figure out how to display my talking points and my slides at the same time. I did the presentation entirely from memory, despite having not actually memorized any of it. Result? The exact opposite of the BCIT experience. I got an excellent grade on the presentation.
What was the difference between all these experiences that made them have such different outcomes? I was shy as a child. Then a self-consciousness teenager. The switch was flipped, not because I started imagining my audience in their underwear, but because I had grown some confidence. Putting off writing my speech did nothing to help my anxiety about the experience. To the point that I couldn’t step back and enjoy my success. At BCIT I thought I had done everything right, but got derailed by an unsupportive teacher. Working at the climbing gym, I knew those safety rules inside and out, my audience didn’t matter, because I was confident that I knew the answers for any questions they might have had. Being prepared before a presentation meant that when my technology didn’t cooperate, I didn’t get too flustered and was able to continue. My level of preparation seems to my level of anxiety. I think my own evolution as a public speaker is due in part to learning to be prepared, and part growing up and becoming more confident in my own abilities.
I still hate public speaking though.