Another Mushy Post
I somehow messed up the LJ Cut in the previous post, so I'm posting it again here haha. It was actually written on December 11th and posted the next day.
So, yeah... I have just had a broken heart.
If you never go too far from your family-like, one sea away, for example-and you suddenly do, for like supposedly four years, will you feel lonely? I mean, if you’re a family person. Because I am, and I’m in that kind of situation, you know. Like, I have never been really far from my whole family-my mom and dad go to different islands in my country for work, of course, but I’ve never been the one leaving. I’ve gone for camps and events, of course, but it’s always been on the same island with my hometown. And it’s never been more than one week. So my first flight was July 22nd, 2009, from Jakarta to Kuala Lumpur. I have never been on a flight since. Can you imagine that? Five months will have passed already when I fly for the second time: December 19th, 2009, (FINALLY!!!!) back to my hometown. Well, almost five months. There are phone calls and Facebook messages and walls, of course, but they’re still not enough. You know. I miss my family so much.
So… My first friends in Malaysia were two girls from Indonesia, the same country as mine, and we shared a room together and have been sharing it since the first night. If you were in my condition, wouldn’t you expect them to be, like, your close friends or something? Well I did. I did expect things would go really smoothly between me and my two friends since there were just so many things that we share together-but I was wrong. So really, really wrong. Other than nationality and sex type, we have nothing in common-we’re just so different. Or I’m just so different with the two of them.
I spend my days listening to music (Western rock, or Asian pop-things they avoid listening to), watching the video clips over and over again, watching movies over and over again, reading e-books… They spend their days on malls, hunting for a new Mango trouser or Zara dress. You know? We just do different things, we like different stuff, we’re so different and I was so naïve to think that it did not matter. Well it matters. A lot.
They found another Indonesian girl in their class, and she does know how to spend money well for things from Gucci or… or other wallet-suffocating, money-eating brands. They found their other species. So they abandoned me. So they broke my heart. With our differences back then, we still went out together and had some fun together. I didn’t mind accompanying them going from one branded shop to another-there were times that I enjoyed it, too. But suddenly, since they met their brand-loving-wealthy-princess friend, I was kicked out of the gank. They just never asked me to go to malls with them anymore, they just never had the need to tell me if they weren’t coming home tonight, they just… You know, they just lowered my ranking. From friend to classmate-to roommate. A roommate they don’t care about. A roommate who they just share room with. That’s, like, all. They don’t care about me anymore.
And I still do. And I still want to be their friends. And I still expect the three of us-and now the four of us, with their new classmate who just happens to be a really rich girl who comes from the capital city of Indonesia who shares the same fashion passion with them-to be close friends, like the ones I had back in my high school years. And I still so stupidly care about them.
I lack social skills, thanks to the Internet. I’ve never had friendship problems in my school years that broke my heart this much. Yes, people. My heart’s broken. My heart’s broken so painfully that I’ve cried many nights over this silly problem I made myself. If only I could stop caring about them. If only I could forget my silly hopes that everything would do just as I expected. If only I could open my eyes. If only I could make myself understand that they’re not the ones. I can’t find the bravery to tell them how I feel. Until now, I still can’t.
But now I’m beginning to understand that I can’t assume everything’s going as smoothly as I think they’re going to. I’m starting to understand that no one’s the same. I feel stupid, crying for many nights over this thing while knowing that they still won’t care. But now, the moment I’m typing this, I’m not crying. I’m stronger. My heart’s still somewhat broken, but my family and my friends-my classmates-have supported me so much. They show me that they care. I’m telling myself to forget the stupid hope about the “becoming close friends” thing and start to move on. Life’s hard, kid. Deal with it.
… Now I need a hug. I WANT TO GO HOOOOME I MISS BANDUNG TOO MUCH!!!!!!!
PS: I CAN’T GET MORE EXCITED ABOUT THE CIRQUE DU FREAK: THE VAMPIRE ASSISTANT MOVIE THAT’S COMING OUT SOON!!! AND THE LAST AIRBENDER MOVIE THAT’S COMING OUT NEXT YEAR!!! I CAN’T WAIT!!! I CAN’T I CAN’T I CAN’T WAAAAIIITTT!!!! And I haven’t seen New Moon. Or 2012. Shoot me.
I did watch Princess and the Frog today, though-eh, yesterday, since I’m typing this at 3:48 AM… Oops, I have to go to sleep.
So, yeah... I have just had a broken heart.
If you never go too far from your family-like, one sea away, for example-and you suddenly do, for like supposedly four years, will you feel lonely? I mean, if you’re a family person. Because I am, and I’m in that kind of situation, you know. Like, I have never been really far from my whole family-my mom and dad go to different islands in my country for work, of course, but I’ve never been the one leaving. I’ve gone for camps and events, of course, but it’s always been on the same island with my hometown. And it’s never been more than one week. So my first flight was July 22nd, 2009, from Jakarta to Kuala Lumpur. I have never been on a flight since. Can you imagine that? Five months will have passed already when I fly for the second time: December 19th, 2009, (FINALLY!!!!) back to my hometown. Well, almost five months. There are phone calls and Facebook messages and walls, of course, but they’re still not enough. You know. I miss my family so much.
So… My first friends in Malaysia were two girls from Indonesia, the same country as mine, and we shared a room together and have been sharing it since the first night. If you were in my condition, wouldn’t you expect them to be, like, your close friends or something? Well I did. I did expect things would go really smoothly between me and my two friends since there were just so many things that we share together-but I was wrong. So really, really wrong. Other than nationality and sex type, we have nothing in common-we’re just so different. Or I’m just so different with the two of them.
I spend my days listening to music (Western rock, or Asian pop-things they avoid listening to), watching the video clips over and over again, watching movies over and over again, reading e-books… They spend their days on malls, hunting for a new Mango trouser or Zara dress. You know? We just do different things, we like different stuff, we’re so different and I was so naïve to think that it did not matter. Well it matters. A lot.
They found another Indonesian girl in their class, and she does know how to spend money well for things from Gucci or… or other wallet-suffocating, money-eating brands. They found their other species. So they abandoned me. So they broke my heart. With our differences back then, we still went out together and had some fun together. I didn’t mind accompanying them going from one branded shop to another-there were times that I enjoyed it, too. But suddenly, since they met their brand-loving-wealthy-princess friend, I was kicked out of the gank. They just never asked me to go to malls with them anymore, they just never had the need to tell me if they weren’t coming home tonight, they just… You know, they just lowered my ranking. From friend to classmate-to roommate. A roommate they don’t care about. A roommate who they just share room with. That’s, like, all. They don’t care about me anymore.
And I still do. And I still want to be their friends. And I still expect the three of us-and now the four of us, with their new classmate who just happens to be a really rich girl who comes from the capital city of Indonesia who shares the same fashion passion with them-to be close friends, like the ones I had back in my high school years. And I still so stupidly care about them.
I lack social skills, thanks to the Internet. I’ve never had friendship problems in my school years that broke my heart this much. Yes, people. My heart’s broken. My heart’s broken so painfully that I’ve cried many nights over this silly problem I made myself. If only I could stop caring about them. If only I could forget my silly hopes that everything would do just as I expected. If only I could open my eyes. If only I could make myself understand that they’re not the ones. I can’t find the bravery to tell them how I feel. Until now, I still can’t.
But now I’m beginning to understand that I can’t assume everything’s going as smoothly as I think they’re going to. I’m starting to understand that no one’s the same. I feel stupid, crying for many nights over this thing while knowing that they still won’t care. But now, the moment I’m typing this, I’m not crying. I’m stronger. My heart’s still somewhat broken, but my family and my friends-my classmates-have supported me so much. They show me that they care. I’m telling myself to forget the stupid hope about the “becoming close friends” thing and start to move on. Life’s hard, kid. Deal with it.
… Now I need a hug. I WANT TO GO HOOOOME I MISS BANDUNG TOO MUCH!!!!!!!
PS: I CAN’T GET MORE EXCITED ABOUT THE CIRQUE DU FREAK: THE VAMPIRE ASSISTANT MOVIE THAT’S COMING OUT SOON!!! AND THE LAST AIRBENDER MOVIE THAT’S COMING OUT NEXT YEAR!!! I CAN’T WAIT!!! I CAN’T I CAN’T I CAN’T WAAAAIIITTT!!!! And I haven’t seen New Moon. Or 2012. Shoot me.
I did watch Princess and the Frog today, though-eh, yesterday, since I’m typing this at 3:48 AM… Oops, I have to go to sleep.