Sir Posts-A-Lot Presents: The Greater Sin, Or, 4 Easy Steps To Freedom
For those of you already familiar with my Holy Doctrine, Arrogance Without Charisma is a slightly lesser crime than Being Perpetually Boring. There's a reward for your attention at the end of this song, but first you must let me lead you on A Little Journey, Or, Catt Has An Early Morning Nonsensical Ramble That She Will Most Likely Regret When She Reads It Later, Then She Might Possibly Delete It, Because It Is Embarassing And Stupid, And Filled With Grammatical Errors and Spelling Mistakes That She Was Too Wired/Tired To Notice When She First Posted It.
I'll start with Arrogance, using examples from the music world.
Mike Doughty (formerly of Soul Coughing) is permitted to be arrogant - he writes music, but has no interest in either you or me. He is a genuinely and occasionally angry man, who just happens to be musically gifted, and has the motivation to utilise his gifts. However, Mike doesn't like us, and he certainly doesn't care what we think. He just does what he has to do. Therefore, he is acceptable.
Billy Corgan (of Smashing Pumpkins) is an example of someone who has no right to be arrogant. He is similarily talented, yet cares Very Much about what we think of him. In fact, his arrogance is a direct result of Him wanting Us to worship his craft. Billy has smatterings of charisma, but not enough to counter this transparancy. Personally, this diminishes the impact of his music. Therefore, he is unacceptable.
Mike Doughty: Cares Not A Jot ~ Billy Corgan: Cares Quite A Lot
(There are many different varieties of Arrogance in the entertainment industry, and some I find attractive, whilst others I find vapid and reprehensible. One of my musical heroes, Jarvis Cocker, could be viewed as being arrogant - however, it is part of an overall theatric, and not manufactured without a good dash of black humour, self-reference, and sexual charisma. Jarvis is far too clever to take himself (and the world) seriously. Meanwhile, us mere mortals also have moments of arrogance, as it's a feature built in to most makes and models of our species. This is also acceptable - as long as it doesn't form a majority of the make-up without the appropriate balance of humour, light-hearted self deprication, and/or charisma).
Jarvis: He knows you want him, but really, it's All Just A Laff
(Any excuse to stick a picture of Jarvis in my journal, I tells you...)
Being Perpetually Boring. I'll start by saying that we're ALL guilty of being boring on occasion. No one (without eternal mania) is interesting all of the time. I'm quite regularly Boring As Batshit, and during these times I will either; a) alert you to my being boring, and apologise in advance - allowing you ample time to make a mad dash for freedom should you choose it, b) remove myself from any temptation to communicate with people I actually like, preventing said people from the revelation of my being boring, or c) write a LiveJournal post.
I do these things because I care, and I don't like to impose (except in regards to option c), indicative of my experiencing an annoying bout of meglomania).
That's my Disclaimer. We're nearly at The Point. Hang in there kids.
More often than should be legal, we encounter someone who is Perpetually Boring (btw: relax, people - I am NOT talking about any of you, here - I don't do the 'cryptic' LJ references, nor do I ever comment anon). This is not just the usual human err of occasionally slipping into an 'off' period, which we all do. This is someone who has No Comprehension of their uncanny ability to induce comas in people standing in their general vicinity. Allow me to indulge my Arrogance Chip for a minute when I say that there are times when I am keeping the company of such a person, and my BRAIN HURTS FROM THE VERBAL CONTACT (this is not a funny joke - i'm deadly serious). Over the years, my tolerance for such a consistent and unrelenting assault on the cerebral marshmallow has worn away like so much scratch-and-sniff. "You are boring me - please go away, as you are hurting my brain" used to be my mantra on the rare occasions when i've come face to face with such an impressive adversary, usually at a party, and usually when inescapably cornered by said Boring Person*. I've only used it twice, but you can tell that it hurts feelings. Whilst emotionally rending people can sometimes be amusing in theory, the reality of it is that it's simply crude, base and wrong. And it's not fair to the recipient, as they actually aren't aware that they are being (painfully, excruciatingly) dull.
But what to do? Despite what you might think (having had read this journal for possibly more than 1 entry), I am actually rather polite. Certainly I swear like a sailor, and talk about semen/vibrators daily, but out in the real world I am, generally, respectful and considerate. Less so when cranky, but I still always remember to say Please and Thank You when warranted. I have been known to carry the shopping of old ladies to their cars, and i've never kicked a puppy (though once, when little, I swung a cat). Summoning the courage to defend your mental health when attacked by monotony can be a difficult thing (not to mention a social taboo-boo), but i've worked hard over the years to gain a scrap of self-respect, and stand up for myself when absolutely necessary. I also take less and less bullshit with each progressive year. The real beauty of not overly caring what people (read: 95% being strangers) think of you is that you can do it with humour, and hopefully everyone emerges happy and unscathed (although albeit, slightly confused).
This is much like the When Attacked By A Crazy Person, Act Crazier theory - which has always worked a treat for me.
Self-Defence Mechanism #204: Encounter With An Extreme Dullard
Warning: For this procedure to be effective, it must be performed with absolute speed and confidence. Should you hesitate, even for a microsecond, you will appear the Total Ass. It should also be noted that this can be a risky manoeuvre, and is only to be activated in extreme cases, when dealing with a high-grade, serial offender. As mentioned in the title, it is designed for self defence purposes only, and is not to be used willy nilly or without heed of repercussion.
Step 1: After about an hour of our subject droning without pause, oblivious to your pain, you've had quite enough. And good for you. Clap your hands briskly together in front of your face twice (as though summoning your harem dance troupe), and state loudly in a slightly robotic voice (edged with burgeoning urgency/hysteria), "Brain: Off!"
Step 2: Immediately following, drop your arms to your sides and slump over, allowing your head to rest on your chest - timing is imperative at this point in the excercise, so DO NOT freeze or panic, otherwise you're screwed.
Step 3: You must remain immobile. Your attacker will no doubt be confused and/or amused/terrified. Due to their nature of being Perpetually Boring, they will linger at the scene for slightly longer than a normal human being would. They might also try to touch or shake you to see if you are Alright, so they can then continue barraging you with their verbal refuse - DO NOT FALTER! You are so close to freedom it's tastable, so for God's sake don't cave in and fuck it up now.
Step 4: Your attacker, like a fox bemused by a hibernating turtle, will eventually give up the game. Trust me on this. Once you can no longer sense the Presence Of Stupefying Bore in your personal space, there are the two following options. You can either make soft re-boot sounds as you gradually upload to your usual function capacity, or you can use this opportunity for a relaxing and refreshing power-nap.
I give you this, this Ace Up Your Sleeve, as a gift - because I love you. Don't abuse it.
(* It should be noted that most offenders of this genre evolve into boring by developing a nasty habit of not engaging in conversations, but rather talking AT you, sometimes for several hours on end without taking a breath. If you *do* manage to get a sentence in, it will be in response to something said half an hour ago - which you've been grimly and doggedly hoarding should the unlikely event of a pause in the assault occur. This brave yet futile ejaculation will be dismissed within seconds, as though it barely registered, as the Perpetually Boring person continues to tell you all about themselves (and their fish tank/math theory/trip to Geelong). Eventually, your attempts/desire to contribute denegrate into mutterings of "Yeah" and "Uh-huh", followed by the barest of nods or sighs, as your eyes glaze and you start to dribble slightly at the corner of your mouth. Coma-like state occurs shortly thereafter, often resulting in death.)
Remember that the author of this post is a twat. So please don't take this too seriously, because you're not my real dad.
This Post Brought To You By The Letter 'Too-Much-Coffee, Not-Enough-Sleep'