Loss and a boss
In April I was really drunk at a show and, out of my hatred for being at shows alone, made friends with the nearest lonely person I saw: a man clearly several years older than me. At the end of the evening I told him, "I don't wanna do that, thingggg, where, y'know, you make friends at a show and never talk to them againnn, it's unrewarding. So, like, we should trade emaillllllls, y'know." I don't know what made him agree to this, but he gave me his card, and when I got home I sent him a note, just to say hi, and thanks.
We emailed back and forth for a while, and he invited me to a show and dinner beforehand (Him: "Let me act like I have a respectable income;" Me: "It feels weird to be treated by someone I don't know too well, but I have a tough time turning down free food and entertainment!"). My friends told me it was a date; I told myself it was just a sympathetic older friend treating a younger friend to a night out. I went, and had a lot of fun, and learned that the guy is 32, and at the end of the evening still didn't know: was that a date?
More emails back and forth. He invites me to another show (sans dinner this time, but he treats me to a bottle of water), and though I'm tired and have to leave early I do have a lot of fun!
I don't know why I didn't email him for like three weeks afterwards, but I felt bad so I sent him another email last Wednesday. Just to say hi. And he said hi, and told me what he's been up to, and he follows my Twitter and I'd mentioned Steve Buscemi so he asked me about that, and I talked about Interview and Ghost World... and speaking of Ghost World, he wasn't going to try and sleep with me, was he? I mean, he was nice and all, but I liked having him as a friend, and oh gosh I must have sounded so obnoxious thinking that just because I'm 20 and have big boobs he would want to sleep with me, ha ha ha, but I just, I didn't want it to be awkward, y'know?
And I'm still waiting on a response. And it's been a week, and I probably won't get one, which is... pretty much the answer I'm going to get, I guess. He probably never wants to see me again. And it's so disappointing 'cause this guy's so cool! Was I naive to think that maybe I could just hang out with this guy without there being sexual tension at all? I'm not upset that he wanted to sleep with me--that's flattering. I'm upset that I've lost a potential friend and there's nothing I could have done about it except be smart. I feel like such an asshole.
I mean, all throughout middle school and high school, my closest friends were guys. And sure, I had crushes on a lot of them, but eventually those fizzled and made way for genuine friendships. My best friends James and Will are, I described them once, "the testicles I never had." Daniel is my very, very dearest friend in the entire world, and yes, we dated for a long time and I really really liked him so it can get a bit awkard, but we need eachother and we make it work.
Maybe that gift of unadulterated friendship between members of the opposite sexes only happens when you're still unadulterated, and if that's the case I really hate having to see it go.
TL;DR: I don't know if straight, adult men and straight, adult women can ever really, really be 'just friends,' and the doubt is breaking my heart.
But it's okay, 'cause I made this:
YES I AM CLOGGING UP YOUR FRIENDS PAGE WITH IT. FUCK YOU, YOU HAVE TIME FOR MY MOM.
We emailed back and forth for a while, and he invited me to a show and dinner beforehand (Him: "Let me act like I have a respectable income;" Me: "It feels weird to be treated by someone I don't know too well, but I have a tough time turning down free food and entertainment!"). My friends told me it was a date; I told myself it was just a sympathetic older friend treating a younger friend to a night out. I went, and had a lot of fun, and learned that the guy is 32, and at the end of the evening still didn't know: was that a date?
More emails back and forth. He invites me to another show (sans dinner this time, but he treats me to a bottle of water), and though I'm tired and have to leave early I do have a lot of fun!
I don't know why I didn't email him for like three weeks afterwards, but I felt bad so I sent him another email last Wednesday. Just to say hi. And he said hi, and told me what he's been up to, and he follows my Twitter and I'd mentioned Steve Buscemi so he asked me about that, and I talked about Interview and Ghost World... and speaking of Ghost World, he wasn't going to try and sleep with me, was he? I mean, he was nice and all, but I liked having him as a friend, and oh gosh I must have sounded so obnoxious thinking that just because I'm 20 and have big boobs he would want to sleep with me, ha ha ha, but I just, I didn't want it to be awkward, y'know?
And I'm still waiting on a response. And it's been a week, and I probably won't get one, which is... pretty much the answer I'm going to get, I guess. He probably never wants to see me again. And it's so disappointing 'cause this guy's so cool! Was I naive to think that maybe I could just hang out with this guy without there being sexual tension at all? I'm not upset that he wanted to sleep with me--that's flattering. I'm upset that I've lost a potential friend and there's nothing I could have done about it except be smart. I feel like such an asshole.
I mean, all throughout middle school and high school, my closest friends were guys. And sure, I had crushes on a lot of them, but eventually those fizzled and made way for genuine friendships. My best friends James and Will are, I described them once, "the testicles I never had." Daniel is my very, very dearest friend in the entire world, and yes, we dated for a long time and I really really liked him so it can get a bit awkard, but we need eachother and we make it work.
Maybe that gift of unadulterated friendship between members of the opposite sexes only happens when you're still unadulterated, and if that's the case I really hate having to see it go.
TL;DR: I don't know if straight, adult men and straight, adult women can ever really, really be 'just friends,' and the doubt is breaking my heart.
But it's okay, 'cause I made this:
YES I AM CLOGGING UP YOUR FRIENDS PAGE WITH IT. FUCK YOU, YOU HAVE TIME FOR MY MOM.