(no subject)
+++Selection from personal journal #50
12/16/07
On the 14th, Friday, I went to see my love. We had agreed to practice some degree of abstinence, in avoiding anything sexual. I arrived at her house around 7:40, a bit early considering I always arrive late around 8:00 when my target time is always 7:30. Her family was not home, and she was home alone for some hours. I attempted to make small talk and handed her the stack of DVDs I brought. We did not agree on a movie beforehand so I brought three. She picked Tenacious D: Guitar Pick of Satan or something. The movie was oddly hilarious as much as I don't really like Jack Black that much. Unit her mum and sis came home, my physical intimacy consisted of light kisses and partial hugs. About half-way through the film I started to kiss her a lot more. She forbade me to kiss her cheek as she was cautious of her skin and how its sensitive to breakouts. So I tried my best not to. But reaching her lips was a chore, I kissed what was closest - her neck. I seldom do it, I don't knowwhy as it is just as nice. I pushed her hair away from her neck and from her lips I'd trace down her chin down to her right side of her neck (my left). I do this on and off at various durations to get her acclimated to it. Everytime I notices she gets goosebumps, most notably on her thighs which I often touch. Stopping I would ask if its okay, making sure it is not too sexual as I find it quite arousing carressing her skin in such a manner and she tells me it is fine. Obviously she enjoyed it as much as I did.
Acting as an extension to the short embrasser avec la langue, I'd continue to kiss down her neck. I notice her chest, she wears very low v-neck shirts that expose a lot of cleavage. Another night she let me place my hand amongst her bossom, this gave me the impression that there would be nothing wrong with me doing it again. So I place my hand where it was padded. "Does it feel the same as this?" I touched her arm asking if there really is no sensation in the breast tissue I was holding. She nodded and I reset to kiss her lips. My lips gave many wet kisses til I reached her cleavage where I kissed the top of her left breast (my right) and I went to her ear to whisper something. "I want your nipple in my mouth." I'm ashamed to say I asked but I am shocked at her lack of reaction. Before I whispered in her ear and before she responded, I felt her mammories more. She allowed me to place my hand on her soft skin and m fingers explored inside her bra. Her breasts are unbelievably soft. I askd for permission to touch the tip after I had pulled away when she asked if she felt anything. And I got to touch her soft nipple. Curiously, I asked if she feels anything, occulting my actual question of whether if it feels good. But it seems she understood what I meant and said maybe it would be better if it was hard. As she said that I can swear that the strain of my erection against my denim was unbelievable. And became even crazier after she responded to my request. "Yeah, you can." Surely not here I said, where she then recommended the kitchen. The same dark, deserted kitchen where I introduced a sensation to her the previous Friday. Again the only lights to reach in was the colorful Christmas lights and the lamp her mother always asks in Spanish whether I would want it on or not. I grabbed the cup from the living room table that previously held delicious water in combination with powdered chocolate, freeze dried as well as fresh marshmellow. I swear Jackie is so sweet. She was concerned wen I was arriving at her house in fear that she would not have enough time to prepare the drink for me. I love you so much. With a mug in my hand I felt we had a reason to be in the kitchen aside from my prurience.
There, like the other night, I grabbed her in my arms and lay several kisses on her lips. But this was before she reached for her left breast (my right) and started to pull it out, positioning it so that her nipple was exposed. The room was dark and I could only see it as a spot of darkened pigmentation on her breast. I moved my head toward her chest in a normal rate - I did not seem to anxious nor did I seem reluctant. And my lips made contact with her breast and then I seemed hungry, it went in my mout between my lips where my tongue would run atop it til it was as stiff as I was. Honestly I felt that I was giving to much attention there so I stopped to kiss her and down her neck. I was very into it; I pressed her body against mine and my hands reached behind her back and down where I grabbed her bum. Then I stopped and pulled away fearing I crossed my boundaries again. Apologies flew from my lips and told her to tell me to stop if I make her uncomfortable... but she assured me it was alright and placed my hand onto her chest above her breasts. I thought she was going to let me feel her heart beat and see if it was racing as much as mine. But she slipped my hand onto her breasts and into her bra.
I realize what i have done. I have realize what I'm doing. I'm a monster. I'm destroying her innocence for my benefit. I claim that it keeps my sanity in check for what? This permanent damage at her expense. This entire time she's been a blank page. I tried to level myself believing that it was inevitable, she's 18 and hasn't felt these things? She admitted to me that she feels unclean. She's told me that -- I cannot forgive myself. Her innocence is beautiful and I've tainted that well.
But I have told her amidst the atrocity I've committed onto her, I am happy that we can enjoy eachother in such a matter. Because of my common confession. She asked me if it makes me happier now that before when our nights were simpler. The answer is complex.
At one point, Jackie asked me if I still think of Her, because she knew I had feelings for Her due to her appearance and unique personality. She... was bonkers and we could talk about bad things which were generally something Jackie was not well versed in nor wanted to contribute to. And that is where I thought of Her. When bad thoughts came to mind, she popped into my head. And that annoyed me.... because it feels me with two distinct feelings. The first being anger and the second guilt. Her face irritates me. Seeing her angers me. I can't explain it exactly but it's like when a couple splits and become ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriend. Some sort of friction stays between the two... and they hate eachother. I believe that is the feeling I experience albeit I was never Her boyfriend. I don't know if its jealousy, but at some point it has become worse. Envy and then hatered. I hate Her. And in combination with guilt I can't help but think even worse of Her. I think of Jackie in every aspect aside from the mentioned, where She comes into my head. I feel absolutely terrible that the only place Jackie does not contribute to is where I think of another girl. I hate Her. THe guilt overwhelms me. I'm sorry Jackie. And this is the complexity. Now, I am happy to spend those intimate moments with you because I am free from the torment She brings. That whore, She brings me pain - pain that should not even be here. But now, these short episodes have you in my head in this aspect. You now complete me... because I'm sick and demented, this hasn't happened sooner.
No one is to blame but myself. And I know where to draw the line. If you are discomforted, if my touch brings you guilt or trauma, let me know. Because if I touch you in a matter that I know we ware not mutually engaged on the same level I'm doing exactly the opposite of what I want. For us to related both physically and mentally. We separate rather than become one.
Happy Birthday to my Brother. He's 23. ------------------------
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12/16/07
On the 14th, Friday, I went to see my love. We had agreed to practice some degree of abstinence, in avoiding anything sexual. I arrived at her house around 7:40, a bit early considering I always arrive late around 8:00 when my target time is always 7:30. Her family was not home, and she was home alone for some hours. I attempted to make small talk and handed her the stack of DVDs I brought. We did not agree on a movie beforehand so I brought three. She picked Tenacious D: Guitar Pick of Satan or something. The movie was oddly hilarious as much as I don't really like Jack Black that much. Unit her mum and sis came home, my physical intimacy consisted of light kisses and partial hugs. About half-way through the film I started to kiss her a lot more. She forbade me to kiss her cheek as she was cautious of her skin and how its sensitive to breakouts. So I tried my best not to. But reaching her lips was a chore, I kissed what was closest - her neck. I seldom do it, I don't knowwhy as it is just as nice. I pushed her hair away from her neck and from her lips I'd trace down her chin down to her right side of her neck (my left). I do this on and off at various durations to get her acclimated to it. Everytime I notices she gets goosebumps, most notably on her thighs which I often touch. Stopping I would ask if its okay, making sure it is not too sexual as I find it quite arousing carressing her skin in such a manner and she tells me it is fine. Obviously she enjoyed it as much as I did.
Acting as an extension to the short embrasser avec la langue, I'd continue to kiss down her neck. I notice her chest, she wears very low v-neck shirts that expose a lot of cleavage. Another night she let me place my hand amongst her bossom, this gave me the impression that there would be nothing wrong with me doing it again. So I place my hand where it was padded. "Does it feel the same as this?" I touched her arm asking if there really is no sensation in the breast tissue I was holding. She nodded and I reset to kiss her lips. My lips gave many wet kisses til I reached her cleavage where I kissed the top of her left breast (my right) and I went to her ear to whisper something. "I want your nipple in my mouth." I'm ashamed to say I asked but I am shocked at her lack of reaction. Before I whispered in her ear and before she responded, I felt her mammories more. She allowed me to place my hand on her soft skin and m fingers explored inside her bra. Her breasts are unbelievably soft. I askd for permission to touch the tip after I had pulled away when she asked if she felt anything. And I got to touch her soft nipple. Curiously, I asked if she feels anything, occulting my actual question of whether if it feels good. But it seems she understood what I meant and said maybe it would be better if it was hard. As she said that I can swear that the strain of my erection against my denim was unbelievable. And became even crazier after she responded to my request. "Yeah, you can." Surely not here I said, where she then recommended the kitchen. The same dark, deserted kitchen where I introduced a sensation to her the previous Friday. Again the only lights to reach in was the colorful Christmas lights and the lamp her mother always asks in Spanish whether I would want it on or not. I grabbed the cup from the living room table that previously held delicious water in combination with powdered chocolate, freeze dried as well as fresh marshmellow. I swear Jackie is so sweet. She was concerned wen I was arriving at her house in fear that she would not have enough time to prepare the drink for me. I love you so much. With a mug in my hand I felt we had a reason to be in the kitchen aside from my prurience.
There, like the other night, I grabbed her in my arms and lay several kisses on her lips. But this was before she reached for her left breast (my right) and started to pull it out, positioning it so that her nipple was exposed. The room was dark and I could only see it as a spot of darkened pigmentation on her breast. I moved my head toward her chest in a normal rate - I did not seem to anxious nor did I seem reluctant. And my lips made contact with her breast and then I seemed hungry, it went in my mout between my lips where my tongue would run atop it til it was as stiff as I was. Honestly I felt that I was giving to much attention there so I stopped to kiss her and down her neck. I was very into it; I pressed her body against mine and my hands reached behind her back and down where I grabbed her bum. Then I stopped and pulled away fearing I crossed my boundaries again. Apologies flew from my lips and told her to tell me to stop if I make her uncomfortable... but she assured me it was alright and placed my hand onto her chest above her breasts. I thought she was going to let me feel her heart beat and see if it was racing as much as mine. But she slipped my hand onto her breasts and into her bra.
I realize what i have done. I have realize what I'm doing. I'm a monster. I'm destroying her innocence for my benefit. I claim that it keeps my sanity in check for what? This permanent damage at her expense. This entire time she's been a blank page. I tried to level myself believing that it was inevitable, she's 18 and hasn't felt these things? She admitted to me that she feels unclean. She's told me that -- I cannot forgive myself. Her innocence is beautiful and I've tainted that well.
But I have told her amidst the atrocity I've committed onto her, I am happy that we can enjoy eachother in such a matter. Because of my common confession. She asked me if it makes me happier now that before when our nights were simpler. The answer is complex.
At one point, Jackie asked me if I still think of Her, because she knew I had feelings for Her due to her appearance and unique personality. She... was bonkers and we could talk about bad things which were generally something Jackie was not well versed in nor wanted to contribute to. And that is where I thought of Her. When bad thoughts came to mind, she popped into my head. And that annoyed me.... because it feels me with two distinct feelings. The first being anger and the second guilt. Her face irritates me. Seeing her angers me. I can't explain it exactly but it's like when a couple splits and become ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriend. Some sort of friction stays between the two... and they hate eachother. I believe that is the feeling I experience albeit I was never Her boyfriend. I don't know if its jealousy, but at some point it has become worse. Envy and then hatered. I hate Her. And in combination with guilt I can't help but think even worse of Her. I think of Jackie in every aspect aside from the mentioned, where She comes into my head. I feel absolutely terrible that the only place Jackie does not contribute to is where I think of another girl. I hate Her. THe guilt overwhelms me. I'm sorry Jackie. And this is the complexity. Now, I am happy to spend those intimate moments with you because I am free from the torment She brings. That whore, She brings me pain - pain that should not even be here. But now, these short episodes have you in my head in this aspect. You now complete me... because I'm sick and demented, this hasn't happened sooner.
No one is to blame but myself. And I know where to draw the line. If you are discomforted, if my touch brings you guilt or trauma, let me know. Because if I touch you in a matter that I know we ware not mutually engaged on the same level I'm doing exactly the opposite of what I want. For us to related both physically and mentally. We separate rather than become one.
Happy Birthday to my Brother. He's 23. ------------------------
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