I Live in Your Garden of Water
Rating: PG-13/R (for sensitive issues)
Characters: Nathan/Haley
Summary: Her nails are bitten down to stumps and her eyes bloodshot, but appearance is not high on Haley's list of priorities right now. Not while her husband has been arrested for murder. Not when he’s innocent. Not when it’s all her fault.
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings, plots and themes are property of the creators of the TV show One Tree Hill (i.e. Mark Schwahn & co). They do not belong to me. No copyright infringement is intended, and no profit is being made from the writing and posting of this story.
Notes: I'm calling this an experiment in formatting.
I am these two, twofold. I ate from the Tree
of Knowledge. I was expelled by the archangel's sword.
At night I sensed her pulse. Her mortality.
And we have searched for the real place ever since.
- "Paradise", Czeslaw Milosz
[one]
Today is his father's funeral. In Nathan's last dream, the day was warm and sunny, but this time it’s raining. Most people bring umbrellas - big ones that shield their grief or their relief - but a few don’t. His mother doesn’t.
He can’t bear to see her like this: a broken doll, unsure of what to do now that her master is gone. He wants to tell her that she’s free now, that they’re all better off without Dan Scott, that the world is a better place with him gone, but he can’t. There are too many obstacles in his way, the least of which are the prison bars he is held behind.
The policeman only turned on the TV to torture him, he thinks. There’s a close up of his mother, the broken doll, and then there’s something else. A burning house, some talk of hungry children in Africa, he doesn’t know.
It’s blank after that, and he lies back down.
There was always a part of himself that thought he’d one day kill Dan. They shared more than just blood and genes; they shared love for basketball, and that was always one step away from hate of each other.
To be fair, Nathan doesn’t think Dan hated him so much as he hated what he represented: his own weakness. Nathan, after all, was only another symbolic reference to Dan’s old life in Tree Hill; Nathan was not a person in his own right. He thinks that’s why his father was so angry when he got himself emancipated - the puppet had cut off the strings and developed life. Haley gave him that. And that was why Dan, the man with enough fake charm and deceit for all of Tree Hill, despised Haley.
Her nails are bitten down to stumps and her eyes bloodshot, but her hair is clean for the first time in days. Her appearance is not high on Haley's list of priorities right now, not while her husband has been arrested for murder. Not when he’s innocent.
And it’s all her fault.
She remembers the night clearly, the feel of the heavy gun in her hand. She remembers waving it around while Dan had this half-crazed look in his eyes, watching his plan being ripped to shreds. Or maybe it was fear, and she’s just no longer able to see any semblance of humanity in people she can’t trust.
Either way, Dan is dead, and the wrong person is sitting the prison cell.
Nathan is not supposed to be there.
She hasn’t been clean in days and hasn’t felt clean for longer, but she’s made a special effort today. It probably doesn’t make a difference to the officers at the police station, but when she gives her confession, she wants to be clean.
They don’t believe her.
- Mrs. Scott, they say, I know you want to help your husband, but this is perjury. Obstruction of justice.
And this is just the patronizing temp reception who watches too much TV.
Haley wants to scream, tug at her hair or break some coffee mugs, anything that will make them believe her.
Finally, somebody she recognizes comes out to see her. It’s Detective Kurtz, the one who arrived first at their apartment. The crime scene. They put tape up around it, but she hasn't been back since.
Detective Kurtz takes one look at her and firmly leads her away. He explains to her gently that he knows she’s scared, and maybe there is a reason for all this, maybe even a good one. But he can’t just let Nathan go. That’s for the courts to decide.
She tries to tell him again that she was the one who killed Dan, but he doesn’t believe her.
- The evidence is there, he says.
The evidence, like pretty words and soothing smiles, can lie. Why won’t anyone believe her? It’s futile. She wants to see Nathan, and for once things go her way. Detective Kurtz lets them have a brief moment.
Nathan is led out, wearing a bright orange jumpsuit. She wants to touch him, but they’re not allowed, so they just sit. Quietly, for a while, until the words come pouring out and she can’t stop it.
- I’m sorry, this is all my fault, I shouldn’t have dragged you into it, he was right, I shouldn’t have-
- No, Haley, he wasn’t right, and I don’t want you to ever think that. And I don’t regret what I did.
And then he’s led away, because he never was supposed to be there or she was never was supposed to be there (sometimes she doesn’t know anymore) and it feels like she might have dreamt the entire conversation.
When she goes home that night, it’s to Karen’s, not the crime scene. She lies awake for hours before she can sleep.
[two]
She’d been on the tour for almost a full week before she returned. By then, Nathan had taken to drinking at school, and piling rubbish around the apartment. Among the boxes of take out were the ruins of their marriage board.
Haley set about cleaning until there is almost nothing left in their apartment. She unpacks her belongings from the suitcase, save for one. The suitcase goes back in the cupboard, zipped up and almost empty. The object she ignores is inside; it doesn't shine in the dark.
By the time Nathan comes home, she is sleeping, curled up in a chair in the living room. He can see the dark circles under her eyes, the sharper than usual curve of her chin, and a sharper version of his wife.
He's not sure if his perception of her had changed, or if there has been a real, physical change over the past six days. He thinks about waking her, yelling, walking out for the night and hurting her the way she hurt him, but somehow he can't work up energy.
The day he had was good, slow and uneventful, but that's what passes good these days. Tomorrow, he’ll ruin a fresh one.
Nathan covered her with a blanket and goes to bed.
Before she came back, maybe a day or two earlier, she called. He was half asleep; it was nearly three in the morning. It might have been a dream, but somehow he knew it wasn’t.
If it was, the dream would’ve gone much differently. She wouldn’t be calling, she’d be walking through the door, and she wouldn’t be returning from New York because she never would have left.
But it wasn’t a dream. And the things she said, he still didn’t quite understand.
Only a slight buzzing came over the line at first, and then some car noises in the background. He almost hung up when she spoke.
- Nathan? She said, her voice a little raw. It could’ve been from music or tears, he couldn’t tell, and he didn’t speak. I… I wanted to call you before. I’m so sorry…
- For what Haley? For leaving me? He rolled over a little on the bed. To reach the phone, he had to move onto her side and it was unnerving.
- I’m sorry for not being who you needed me to be. And I’m sorry for letting you believe it for so long.
And then she hung up, and it took him hours to fall back asleep.
A few days later, she was home.
He watches her sleep. It can’t be comfortable in that arm chair, but he can’t bear to carry her into their bedroom. If he’s honest, he's a little afraid to touch her. So, instead, he watches the little movements of her eyelids, the soft breathing of a slow rhythm.
It’s almost 10 when she wakes up, and it’s with a start. She’s impossibly still, staring out the window with wide eyes. He waits for her to notice him, and when she does there are teary eyes and trembling lips.
There’s a distance that shouldn’t be between them, but he doesn’t know how to breach it, and maybe he doesn't want to yet. But this passiveness… the quiet anger and quiet sadness isn’t them; it makes him uncomfortable. So he makes it go away.
- What are you doing here, Haley?
- Nathan… I need you to understand I never meant to hurt you.
- And you thought running off with another guy wouldn’t do that?
- This was never about him! She tugs her hair a little, doesn't notice when a few strands give way. I just wanted to give music a try. It’s always been a dream of mine, and I needed to see if I could make it come true.
- Then why are you back?
- Because I realized that I shouldn’t have left, not the way that I did. I was searching for something I already had. I thought I could find it on a stage, in front of an audience, holding my guitar… but I was wrong. It didn’t mean anything, being there, because you weren’t there with me.
What happens next, he never expected.
He gets up to pace around, maybe to punch a wall. There is so much he wants to say, to make her understand what she’s done to him in the seven days she’s been gone, but he doesn't know how. And suddenly she’s in front of him, on her knees with her arms wrapped around his legs, and she’s crying, breaths and words all coming out in gasps. Any satisfaction he might have felt slowly ebbs away, leaving only a dull pain.
- I’m sorry, Nathan, I’ll do anything to make it up to you. I don’t what I was thinking, how I could have left when everything I want is right here. Please don’t leave, please don't leave me…
- Haley, stop it.
And he slides down, until they’re both kneeling on the floor. He touches her cheek, wipes away a few tears with his thumb.
- Look at me, he says, and it takes her a while to meet his eyes. I’m not going anywhere.
- You’re not?
- No. I knew you were coming back. He’s relieved to see a little smile. It's easier this way, stepping into the familiar role of the comforter, the protector. I’m just angry, but I knew we’d always find each other. And I love you. Always and forever, remember?
- If I were you, I’d leave me, she says almost inaudibly, her head ducked low.
- Somebody wise told me the other day that you loved me when I was a lesser Nathan, so I can love you when you’re a lesser Haley.
She starts crying, so he pulls her into his arms, and they sit there.
And finally, it feels like everything is going to be all right.
[three]
Nathan doesn't know if he's imagining it, but everyone is staring at them when they walk into the café.
It was too awkward back in their apartment, both trying to be quiet and accommodating, and there was so much so much boiling up inside him, so much he didn't get to say. He wants to her know, maybe even feel it, because although he wants to forgive her, he doesn't know how to get rid of this resentment, this anger.
He was a fool to think it all would go away if other people were around.
They sit down at a table and Karen is the first to see them. She hugs Haley first, tells her she needs extra portions of mac 'n' cheese today because she's disappearing before her eyes.
It takes Haley a moment to hug back, but her back is so stiff and in her eyes Nathan thinks sees a wild look, the look of an animal desperate to run away.
Lucas comes out and when he hugs her, she begins to cry. She tells him she missed him too, and the three of them sit for a while. Eat. When she tries to tell him she's full after a few mouthfuls, Nathan holds her hand and she looks down shyly. She picks up her fork.
For a while, she could pretend that everything was normal again.
They go home and do the laundry together, and have a minor water and dirty clothes fight. He wins, but she lets him.
In the afternoon, they go grocery shopping and argue over which type of soda to buy, even though Haley can tell that he doesn't particularly care. Maybe he's noticed the silence too.
When they go to put the bags in the car, Dan shows up. She watches as they walk away a small distance away - it is for "privacy", she knows Dan just wants to make her an outsider. They speak heatedly for a few minutes, then Nathan storms away angrily. She thinks they were talking about her. She doesn't ask, and unlike before, he doesn't offer any explanations.
School is easier than she thought it'd be.
Brooke is the first to welcome her back, and she does so with open arms. Peyton is a little cool, maybe because she's been in Nathan's position, or maybe because she's preoccupied with Jake. Haley doesn't try to figure out that relationship, she still has to fix hers.
Mostly, everyone doesn't even know she was gone. Apart from whispers about a possible fight with Nathan (and him showing up drunk to school) nobody knows anything at all.
It's hard to believe for everyone else it's only been a few days. For her, it feels like she's been lifetimes away before she found her way back.
The pretending makes it difficult, but Nathan begins to realize something is not quite right. It's not a sudden realization. He doesn't look at her one day, or one night while she is sleeping, and just know that she is hiding something. It's not something she's said or done that's made him suspicious. It's… nothing in particular, it's a few incidents that could easily be explained, but the niggling feeling doesn't go away.
It would've been something that happened in New York. Maybe if he weren't so worried about the state of their relationship, he might have noticed it earlier. He took for granted that the haunted look in her eyes, the restlessness and the insomnia is there for the same reason his was. But he's starting to think it is something else entirely.
The next morning, he decides to ask her, point blank. He's never been one to try and be subtle about things, and when he does try it doesn't work anyway.
She's standing in the kitchen making toast, and he asks her then, but immediately he knows he should've waited until she turned to face him.
- Haley, why don't you ever talk about New York?
He thinks her back stiffened, but he can't be sure.
- It never came up.
- I'm asking now. Did something happen? He goes to stand behind her, and turns her so that she is looking at him. Her face is calm; her gaze steady.
- No… it just - it wasn't a great part of my life, Nathan. I went, I stood on a stage and I realized that wasn't where I wanted to be. And I realized that I wanted to be here.
He studies her face for traces of what he saw when she first came back: the fear, the anguish. He can't find it. Her words are a romantic notion, and he wants to believe. What else could he do?
Lucas has moved in with Dan, and nobody knows why.
Nathan goes to find him at Scott Motors, but nobody is there. The place is almost deserted for a Wednesday afternoon; everyone must be out at lunch. He wonders if Dan and Lucas are having a father-son day, if Dan is manipulating Lucas as he did to Nathan all those years.
He stands in the middle of his father's office and looks at the basketball jerseys on the wall. There's a bottle of whiskey on the table. Dan always started celebrating a little early.
And when Nathan is about to leave, something catches his eyes. A slip of paper, tossed carelessly to the edge of the table. Plane tickets to New York. Dated almost a month earlier. Three days after Haley first left. Maybe on the day that she called him, saying things that he didn't understand and forgot, but he can't remember.
The entire week is blurry in his mind, but he knows two things: Dan was in New York the same time Haley was in New York. And something went terribly wrong.
[four]
She goes back to the station. Detective Kurtz isn't there, but another detective is. Haley doesn’t remember his name. This one is meaner, older. She can tell he has been an officer for too long, is jaded, doesn't believe in the good in people anymore. He probably just thinks Nathan is guilty because he's a rich kid who wanted his trust fund early. Couldn't take living in a little apartment in that little hellhole. But they were happy. They were getting there.
She tries to convince the Older Detective that they're wrong about Nathan. But this time, she stays calm and quiet. There's only so much left she can do, and she wants to do it right.
- He didn't do it.
- I understand that you're upset, Mrs. Scott, but… it's here she stops listening. It's always the same.
- Yes, I'm upset. But it doesn't change the fact that he didn't do it. And I know because I, unlike you, was there.
- With all due respect, he drawls, we can't take only your word for it.
- Then run tests. Whatever evidence you have on Nathan, you'll have it on me too.
He leans back and regards her for a moment. She thinks she might've gotten through to him. A moment later he picks up the phone and calls someone, mumbles something that she can't quite decipher. One hour later she returns to the spot with a positive test for gunpowder residue. She thinks she's finally got to him, but then he starts to speak.
- Mrs. Scott, all this proves is that you've fired a gun recently. Not that you killed Dan Scott.
- And that's the only reason you think Nathan did it, isn't it?
- Your husband had the opportunity-
- As did I.
- And he had motive.
It's true. She can't deny this, but it's the wrong one. They think his motive is money, or greed. They don't know him at all.
The only way to convince him is to tell the truth. No more pretending. She couldn't even tell Nathan, even when he needed to know, but now she needs to say it. She needs to tell the whole story, because if she can't do it? Nothing will ever be the same.
[five]
Nathan drives around for a while, aimlessly, then parks by the side of the road until the sun starts to shine right into his eyes. It's late in the afternoon, and he's been sitting there for almost four hours. He needs to go home and find out what happened, but what if he's wrong?
Haley is doing homework at the dinner table when he comes in; she looks up and smiles. She starts to tell him about how she's been tutoring this football player, and how he expects her to do his homework for him. She pauses, and Nathan knows this is his cue to make some joke about the time she used to tutor him, but he doesn't.
He asks her again, and unlike the last time she can't stay calm. And he knows something is wrong, but he doesn't know what, he doesn't know how to get her to talk to him.
- Did my dad go to see you in New York?
- No, she answers, looking at him quizzically. What gave you that idea?
- I found plane tickets in his office. And you never tell me about the tour, so how am I supposed to know?
- Nathan, she sighs, not this again.
- No, we never talk about it, Haley. I'm sick of walking on egg shells; I'm sick of pretending that everything is okay. And I hate feeling like I've done something wrong when you're the one who walked out on me!
- She's quiet for a moment. She's hurt. You still blame me for leaving.
- No. Yes. Sometimes. He runs a hand through his hair, frustrated. We should talk about it. We haven't talked about this, or anything else since you've gotten back.
- We talk all the time.
- That time you called me, you said something, he continues over her protests. You said you were sorry and you weren't who I wanted you to be.
- Needed, she whispers, and it's like she's gone back into her shell because he can't quite hear her.
- What?
- Who you needed me to be. She starts crying, hiccuping through her words. I'm sorry, Nathan. I just can't talk about it. Every time I start thinking about it, it's like I'm reliving it and it was such a lonely time. And I was afraid. I missed you so much, you know? I hate thinking about it.
He still has questions. He still doesn't know why she left, why she didn’t call earlier, what she meant when she finally did call. But he doesn't ask them.
Haley falls asleep a while later, exhausted. He thinks he should ask Luke to talk to her, maybe Peyton. Maybe he's too close to this to help her… maybe he is just afraid to know.
Nathan starts a pot of water and begins to make mac 'n' cheese from a box, but it quickly becomes disastrous. Haley is still sleeping soundly, so he wipes a few streaks of tears from her cheeks and grabs the keys from the front table. If he hurries, he can get back from Karen's before she wakes up.
When he returns, his father's car is parked in front of their apartment.
A knock on the door wakes her up.
Haley sits up in bed for a minute, then pulls on a jacket when she realizes that Nathan is not getting the door. Maybe he locked himself out. She remembers him doing that a few times before.
She catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror as the makes her way to the front door. Her eyes are puffy and her nose is a bright red, but she manages to straighten her hair a little. The efforts are wasted, because the person on the other side is Dan Scott.
Haley hadn't seen him since that day in the supermarket parking lot, but maybe Nathan has. She wishes he would talk to her, even though it's hypocritical to ask him to do the one thing she can't. She can't tell him.
Dan smirks at her disheveled appearance, obviously enjoying her discomfort. He steps in uninvited and walks around their apartment.
- Very nice home you have here, Ms. James.
- It's Mrs. James-Scott, she says warily, but he ignores her.
- A little small, and a little emptier than the time I saw it last, but I suppose it's fitting.
- If you're looking for Nathan, I'll tell him you dropped by. She stays by the open door pointedly, waiting for him to leave.
- You mean I can't wait? Oh, I see, you don't know when he'll be back.
- I know you don't approve of me, and you've never wanted Nathan to be with me or anyone who takes him from you and basketball, but I'm telling you that you can't break us up. We're happy, and there's nothing you can do about it. She says these things firmly, but it doesn't have any effect on him. His smile just grows.
- Do you really think you can keep it a secret?
- What? The color drains from her face.
- How long do you think it'll be before he finds out? He's already suspicious. I know this for a fact because Nathan told Lucas and Lucas told me.
- Lucas would never tell you anything. It's telling that she only attacks this part of his statement, but she's never been good at these games.
- How do you think Nathan is going to react when he finds out that you cheated on him with Chris?
-You think I cheated on him with Chris? She grips onto the door for support; she can't believe the words being thrown at her.
- I know you did. Mr. Keller was kind enough to call me as soon as the deed was done. That kid will do anything for $10,000. It was a bargain in my book.
- You paid him? she whispers. Her grip on the door must have loosened because she's sliding but still standing, and it feels like she's drowning. You paid him… to… to rape me?
- Honey. He smirks. If that's what you need to tell yourself.
- Get out. Get out, get out, GET OUT!
- No, I think I'll sit right here and wait for my son to come home. This little charade has gone on long enough, don't you think?
Haley goes back into her room, reaches into the suitcase. She pulls out the gun. She remembers the night she bought it off some guy on the street. Her skin was still red and sore from all the scrubbing. She levels the gun at Dan, but he still won't go.
He won't go, and then Nathan is there and she doesn't want him to see her like this.
She can't tell him.
- Nathan, thank god you're here. Dan says. She just went off at me, she's crazy…
- No! She yells, but it's really a sob, and her hands are shaking so hard that the gun is pointing places she doesn't want it to. Don't you dare-
- Haley? Nathan says soothingly, and she backs away because she can't, she can't, she can't…
- She slept with Chris. She's trying to kill me because I know.
- That's not true, you son of a bitch! And the gun is still trembling and she's trying to back away from Nathan but he's so close. It's not true, Nathan, she pleads. It's not, please, don't believe him.
- It's okay. Please, give me the gun, okay?
The tears don't stop, not even she swipes at them with her free hand. He's like this blurry person in front of her, and she needs him to be clear again. She needs him to know what happened.
She can't tell him.
Dan can. And he does, but he uses all the wrong words and leaves some out, even she points the gun at him, steady, her voice a close second. He's sticking to this story that he did it for his son, even when he's got a bullet in his leg and more than just blood on his hands.
- I believe you, Haley. I know what happened, what he did to you. And then Nathan is clear, and she can see that he can see her. But you don't have to do this. You're better than this, Haley.
He's standing there with his hands held out, and she gives him herself and the gun in exchange for a place in his arms.
There is one minute of silence until he spins them around, a last dance.
He empties the bullets into his father's chest without letting her go.
END
”I promise you Haley. I will always be there for you, I will always protect you. Okay? I will always protect you. Always.”
- Nathan, in The Desperate Kingdom of Love (One Tree Hill, 2.01)
Characters: Nathan/Haley
Summary: Her nails are bitten down to stumps and her eyes bloodshot, but appearance is not high on Haley's list of priorities right now. Not while her husband has been arrested for murder. Not when he’s innocent. Not when it’s all her fault.
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings, plots and themes are property of the creators of the TV show One Tree Hill (i.e. Mark Schwahn & co). They do not belong to me. No copyright infringement is intended, and no profit is being made from the writing and posting of this story.
Notes: I'm calling this an experiment in formatting.
I am these two, twofold. I ate from the Tree
of Knowledge. I was expelled by the archangel's sword.
At night I sensed her pulse. Her mortality.
And we have searched for the real place ever since.
- "Paradise", Czeslaw Milosz
[one]
Today is his father's funeral. In Nathan's last dream, the day was warm and sunny, but this time it’s raining. Most people bring umbrellas - big ones that shield their grief or their relief - but a few don’t. His mother doesn’t.
He can’t bear to see her like this: a broken doll, unsure of what to do now that her master is gone. He wants to tell her that she’s free now, that they’re all better off without Dan Scott, that the world is a better place with him gone, but he can’t. There are too many obstacles in his way, the least of which are the prison bars he is held behind.
The policeman only turned on the TV to torture him, he thinks. There’s a close up of his mother, the broken doll, and then there’s something else. A burning house, some talk of hungry children in Africa, he doesn’t know.
It’s blank after that, and he lies back down.
There was always a part of himself that thought he’d one day kill Dan. They shared more than just blood and genes; they shared love for basketball, and that was always one step away from hate of each other.
To be fair, Nathan doesn’t think Dan hated him so much as he hated what he represented: his own weakness. Nathan, after all, was only another symbolic reference to Dan’s old life in Tree Hill; Nathan was not a person in his own right. He thinks that’s why his father was so angry when he got himself emancipated - the puppet had cut off the strings and developed life. Haley gave him that. And that was why Dan, the man with enough fake charm and deceit for all of Tree Hill, despised Haley.
Her nails are bitten down to stumps and her eyes bloodshot, but her hair is clean for the first time in days. Her appearance is not high on Haley's list of priorities right now, not while her husband has been arrested for murder. Not when he’s innocent.
And it’s all her fault.
She remembers the night clearly, the feel of the heavy gun in her hand. She remembers waving it around while Dan had this half-crazed look in his eyes, watching his plan being ripped to shreds. Or maybe it was fear, and she’s just no longer able to see any semblance of humanity in people she can’t trust.
Either way, Dan is dead, and the wrong person is sitting the prison cell.
Nathan is not supposed to be there.
She hasn’t been clean in days and hasn’t felt clean for longer, but she’s made a special effort today. It probably doesn’t make a difference to the officers at the police station, but when she gives her confession, she wants to be clean.
They don’t believe her.
- Mrs. Scott, they say, I know you want to help your husband, but this is perjury. Obstruction of justice.
And this is just the patronizing temp reception who watches too much TV.
Haley wants to scream, tug at her hair or break some coffee mugs, anything that will make them believe her.
Finally, somebody she recognizes comes out to see her. It’s Detective Kurtz, the one who arrived first at their apartment. The crime scene. They put tape up around it, but she hasn't been back since.
Detective Kurtz takes one look at her and firmly leads her away. He explains to her gently that he knows she’s scared, and maybe there is a reason for all this, maybe even a good one. But he can’t just let Nathan go. That’s for the courts to decide.
She tries to tell him again that she was the one who killed Dan, but he doesn’t believe her.
- The evidence is there, he says.
The evidence, like pretty words and soothing smiles, can lie. Why won’t anyone believe her? It’s futile. She wants to see Nathan, and for once things go her way. Detective Kurtz lets them have a brief moment.
Nathan is led out, wearing a bright orange jumpsuit. She wants to touch him, but they’re not allowed, so they just sit. Quietly, for a while, until the words come pouring out and she can’t stop it.
- I’m sorry, this is all my fault, I shouldn’t have dragged you into it, he was right, I shouldn’t have-
- No, Haley, he wasn’t right, and I don’t want you to ever think that. And I don’t regret what I did.
And then he’s led away, because he never was supposed to be there or she was never was supposed to be there (sometimes she doesn’t know anymore) and it feels like she might have dreamt the entire conversation.
When she goes home that night, it’s to Karen’s, not the crime scene. She lies awake for hours before she can sleep.
[two]
She’d been on the tour for almost a full week before she returned. By then, Nathan had taken to drinking at school, and piling rubbish around the apartment. Among the boxes of take out were the ruins of their marriage board.
Haley set about cleaning until there is almost nothing left in their apartment. She unpacks her belongings from the suitcase, save for one. The suitcase goes back in the cupboard, zipped up and almost empty. The object she ignores is inside; it doesn't shine in the dark.
By the time Nathan comes home, she is sleeping, curled up in a chair in the living room. He can see the dark circles under her eyes, the sharper than usual curve of her chin, and a sharper version of his wife.
He's not sure if his perception of her had changed, or if there has been a real, physical change over the past six days. He thinks about waking her, yelling, walking out for the night and hurting her the way she hurt him, but somehow he can't work up energy.
The day he had was good, slow and uneventful, but that's what passes good these days. Tomorrow, he’ll ruin a fresh one.
Nathan covered her with a blanket and goes to bed.
Before she came back, maybe a day or two earlier, she called. He was half asleep; it was nearly three in the morning. It might have been a dream, but somehow he knew it wasn’t.
If it was, the dream would’ve gone much differently. She wouldn’t be calling, she’d be walking through the door, and she wouldn’t be returning from New York because she never would have left.
But it wasn’t a dream. And the things she said, he still didn’t quite understand.
Only a slight buzzing came over the line at first, and then some car noises in the background. He almost hung up when she spoke.
- Nathan? She said, her voice a little raw. It could’ve been from music or tears, he couldn’t tell, and he didn’t speak. I… I wanted to call you before. I’m so sorry…
- For what Haley? For leaving me? He rolled over a little on the bed. To reach the phone, he had to move onto her side and it was unnerving.
- I’m sorry for not being who you needed me to be. And I’m sorry for letting you believe it for so long.
And then she hung up, and it took him hours to fall back asleep.
A few days later, she was home.
He watches her sleep. It can’t be comfortable in that arm chair, but he can’t bear to carry her into their bedroom. If he’s honest, he's a little afraid to touch her. So, instead, he watches the little movements of her eyelids, the soft breathing of a slow rhythm.
It’s almost 10 when she wakes up, and it’s with a start. She’s impossibly still, staring out the window with wide eyes. He waits for her to notice him, and when she does there are teary eyes and trembling lips.
There’s a distance that shouldn’t be between them, but he doesn’t know how to breach it, and maybe he doesn't want to yet. But this passiveness… the quiet anger and quiet sadness isn’t them; it makes him uncomfortable. So he makes it go away.
- What are you doing here, Haley?
- Nathan… I need you to understand I never meant to hurt you.
- And you thought running off with another guy wouldn’t do that?
- This was never about him! She tugs her hair a little, doesn't notice when a few strands give way. I just wanted to give music a try. It’s always been a dream of mine, and I needed to see if I could make it come true.
- Then why are you back?
- Because I realized that I shouldn’t have left, not the way that I did. I was searching for something I already had. I thought I could find it on a stage, in front of an audience, holding my guitar… but I was wrong. It didn’t mean anything, being there, because you weren’t there with me.
What happens next, he never expected.
He gets up to pace around, maybe to punch a wall. There is so much he wants to say, to make her understand what she’s done to him in the seven days she’s been gone, but he doesn't know how. And suddenly she’s in front of him, on her knees with her arms wrapped around his legs, and she’s crying, breaths and words all coming out in gasps. Any satisfaction he might have felt slowly ebbs away, leaving only a dull pain.
- I’m sorry, Nathan, I’ll do anything to make it up to you. I don’t what I was thinking, how I could have left when everything I want is right here. Please don’t leave, please don't leave me…
- Haley, stop it.
And he slides down, until they’re both kneeling on the floor. He touches her cheek, wipes away a few tears with his thumb.
- Look at me, he says, and it takes her a while to meet his eyes. I’m not going anywhere.
- You’re not?
- No. I knew you were coming back. He’s relieved to see a little smile. It's easier this way, stepping into the familiar role of the comforter, the protector. I’m just angry, but I knew we’d always find each other. And I love you. Always and forever, remember?
- If I were you, I’d leave me, she says almost inaudibly, her head ducked low.
- Somebody wise told me the other day that you loved me when I was a lesser Nathan, so I can love you when you’re a lesser Haley.
She starts crying, so he pulls her into his arms, and they sit there.
And finally, it feels like everything is going to be all right.
[three]
Nathan doesn't know if he's imagining it, but everyone is staring at them when they walk into the café.
It was too awkward back in their apartment, both trying to be quiet and accommodating, and there was so much so much boiling up inside him, so much he didn't get to say. He wants to her know, maybe even feel it, because although he wants to forgive her, he doesn't know how to get rid of this resentment, this anger.
He was a fool to think it all would go away if other people were around.
They sit down at a table and Karen is the first to see them. She hugs Haley first, tells her she needs extra portions of mac 'n' cheese today because she's disappearing before her eyes.
It takes Haley a moment to hug back, but her back is so stiff and in her eyes Nathan thinks sees a wild look, the look of an animal desperate to run away.
Lucas comes out and when he hugs her, she begins to cry. She tells him she missed him too, and the three of them sit for a while. Eat. When she tries to tell him she's full after a few mouthfuls, Nathan holds her hand and she looks down shyly. She picks up her fork.
For a while, she could pretend that everything was normal again.
They go home and do the laundry together, and have a minor water and dirty clothes fight. He wins, but she lets him.
In the afternoon, they go grocery shopping and argue over which type of soda to buy, even though Haley can tell that he doesn't particularly care. Maybe he's noticed the silence too.
When they go to put the bags in the car, Dan shows up. She watches as they walk away a small distance away - it is for "privacy", she knows Dan just wants to make her an outsider. They speak heatedly for a few minutes, then Nathan storms away angrily. She thinks they were talking about her. She doesn't ask, and unlike before, he doesn't offer any explanations.
School is easier than she thought it'd be.
Brooke is the first to welcome her back, and she does so with open arms. Peyton is a little cool, maybe because she's been in Nathan's position, or maybe because she's preoccupied with Jake. Haley doesn't try to figure out that relationship, she still has to fix hers.
Mostly, everyone doesn't even know she was gone. Apart from whispers about a possible fight with Nathan (and him showing up drunk to school) nobody knows anything at all.
It's hard to believe for everyone else it's only been a few days. For her, it feels like she's been lifetimes away before she found her way back.
The pretending makes it difficult, but Nathan begins to realize something is not quite right. It's not a sudden realization. He doesn't look at her one day, or one night while she is sleeping, and just know that she is hiding something. It's not something she's said or done that's made him suspicious. It's… nothing in particular, it's a few incidents that could easily be explained, but the niggling feeling doesn't go away.
It would've been something that happened in New York. Maybe if he weren't so worried about the state of their relationship, he might have noticed it earlier. He took for granted that the haunted look in her eyes, the restlessness and the insomnia is there for the same reason his was. But he's starting to think it is something else entirely.
The next morning, he decides to ask her, point blank. He's never been one to try and be subtle about things, and when he does try it doesn't work anyway.
She's standing in the kitchen making toast, and he asks her then, but immediately he knows he should've waited until she turned to face him.
- Haley, why don't you ever talk about New York?
He thinks her back stiffened, but he can't be sure.
- It never came up.
- I'm asking now. Did something happen? He goes to stand behind her, and turns her so that she is looking at him. Her face is calm; her gaze steady.
- No… it just - it wasn't a great part of my life, Nathan. I went, I stood on a stage and I realized that wasn't where I wanted to be. And I realized that I wanted to be here.
He studies her face for traces of what he saw when she first came back: the fear, the anguish. He can't find it. Her words are a romantic notion, and he wants to believe. What else could he do?
Lucas has moved in with Dan, and nobody knows why.
Nathan goes to find him at Scott Motors, but nobody is there. The place is almost deserted for a Wednesday afternoon; everyone must be out at lunch. He wonders if Dan and Lucas are having a father-son day, if Dan is manipulating Lucas as he did to Nathan all those years.
He stands in the middle of his father's office and looks at the basketball jerseys on the wall. There's a bottle of whiskey on the table. Dan always started celebrating a little early.
And when Nathan is about to leave, something catches his eyes. A slip of paper, tossed carelessly to the edge of the table. Plane tickets to New York. Dated almost a month earlier. Three days after Haley first left. Maybe on the day that she called him, saying things that he didn't understand and forgot, but he can't remember.
The entire week is blurry in his mind, but he knows two things: Dan was in New York the same time Haley was in New York. And something went terribly wrong.
[four]
She goes back to the station. Detective Kurtz isn't there, but another detective is. Haley doesn’t remember his name. This one is meaner, older. She can tell he has been an officer for too long, is jaded, doesn't believe in the good in people anymore. He probably just thinks Nathan is guilty because he's a rich kid who wanted his trust fund early. Couldn't take living in a little apartment in that little hellhole. But they were happy. They were getting there.
She tries to convince the Older Detective that they're wrong about Nathan. But this time, she stays calm and quiet. There's only so much left she can do, and she wants to do it right.
- He didn't do it.
- I understand that you're upset, Mrs. Scott, but… it's here she stops listening. It's always the same.
- Yes, I'm upset. But it doesn't change the fact that he didn't do it. And I know because I, unlike you, was there.
- With all due respect, he drawls, we can't take only your word for it.
- Then run tests. Whatever evidence you have on Nathan, you'll have it on me too.
He leans back and regards her for a moment. She thinks she might've gotten through to him. A moment later he picks up the phone and calls someone, mumbles something that she can't quite decipher. One hour later she returns to the spot with a positive test for gunpowder residue. She thinks she's finally got to him, but then he starts to speak.
- Mrs. Scott, all this proves is that you've fired a gun recently. Not that you killed Dan Scott.
- And that's the only reason you think Nathan did it, isn't it?
- Your husband had the opportunity-
- As did I.
- And he had motive.
It's true. She can't deny this, but it's the wrong one. They think his motive is money, or greed. They don't know him at all.
The only way to convince him is to tell the truth. No more pretending. She couldn't even tell Nathan, even when he needed to know, but now she needs to say it. She needs to tell the whole story, because if she can't do it? Nothing will ever be the same.
[five]
Nathan drives around for a while, aimlessly, then parks by the side of the road until the sun starts to shine right into his eyes. It's late in the afternoon, and he's been sitting there for almost four hours. He needs to go home and find out what happened, but what if he's wrong?
Haley is doing homework at the dinner table when he comes in; she looks up and smiles. She starts to tell him about how she's been tutoring this football player, and how he expects her to do his homework for him. She pauses, and Nathan knows this is his cue to make some joke about the time she used to tutor him, but he doesn't.
He asks her again, and unlike the last time she can't stay calm. And he knows something is wrong, but he doesn't know what, he doesn't know how to get her to talk to him.
- Did my dad go to see you in New York?
- No, she answers, looking at him quizzically. What gave you that idea?
- I found plane tickets in his office. And you never tell me about the tour, so how am I supposed to know?
- Nathan, she sighs, not this again.
- No, we never talk about it, Haley. I'm sick of walking on egg shells; I'm sick of pretending that everything is okay. And I hate feeling like I've done something wrong when you're the one who walked out on me!
- She's quiet for a moment. She's hurt. You still blame me for leaving.
- No. Yes. Sometimes. He runs a hand through his hair, frustrated. We should talk about it. We haven't talked about this, or anything else since you've gotten back.
- We talk all the time.
- That time you called me, you said something, he continues over her protests. You said you were sorry and you weren't who I wanted you to be.
- Needed, she whispers, and it's like she's gone back into her shell because he can't quite hear her.
- What?
- Who you needed me to be. She starts crying, hiccuping through her words. I'm sorry, Nathan. I just can't talk about it. Every time I start thinking about it, it's like I'm reliving it and it was such a lonely time. And I was afraid. I missed you so much, you know? I hate thinking about it.
He still has questions. He still doesn't know why she left, why she didn’t call earlier, what she meant when she finally did call. But he doesn't ask them.
Haley falls asleep a while later, exhausted. He thinks he should ask Luke to talk to her, maybe Peyton. Maybe he's too close to this to help her… maybe he is just afraid to know.
Nathan starts a pot of water and begins to make mac 'n' cheese from a box, but it quickly becomes disastrous. Haley is still sleeping soundly, so he wipes a few streaks of tears from her cheeks and grabs the keys from the front table. If he hurries, he can get back from Karen's before she wakes up.
When he returns, his father's car is parked in front of their apartment.
A knock on the door wakes her up.
Haley sits up in bed for a minute, then pulls on a jacket when she realizes that Nathan is not getting the door. Maybe he locked himself out. She remembers him doing that a few times before.
She catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror as the makes her way to the front door. Her eyes are puffy and her nose is a bright red, but she manages to straighten her hair a little. The efforts are wasted, because the person on the other side is Dan Scott.
Haley hadn't seen him since that day in the supermarket parking lot, but maybe Nathan has. She wishes he would talk to her, even though it's hypocritical to ask him to do the one thing she can't. She can't tell him.
Dan smirks at her disheveled appearance, obviously enjoying her discomfort. He steps in uninvited and walks around their apartment.
- Very nice home you have here, Ms. James.
- It's Mrs. James-Scott, she says warily, but he ignores her.
- A little small, and a little emptier than the time I saw it last, but I suppose it's fitting.
- If you're looking for Nathan, I'll tell him you dropped by. She stays by the open door pointedly, waiting for him to leave.
- You mean I can't wait? Oh, I see, you don't know when he'll be back.
- I know you don't approve of me, and you've never wanted Nathan to be with me or anyone who takes him from you and basketball, but I'm telling you that you can't break us up. We're happy, and there's nothing you can do about it. She says these things firmly, but it doesn't have any effect on him. His smile just grows.
- Do you really think you can keep it a secret?
- What? The color drains from her face.
- How long do you think it'll be before he finds out? He's already suspicious. I know this for a fact because Nathan told Lucas and Lucas told me.
- Lucas would never tell you anything. It's telling that she only attacks this part of his statement, but she's never been good at these games.
- How do you think Nathan is going to react when he finds out that you cheated on him with Chris?
-You think I cheated on him with Chris? She grips onto the door for support; she can't believe the words being thrown at her.
- I know you did. Mr. Keller was kind enough to call me as soon as the deed was done. That kid will do anything for $10,000. It was a bargain in my book.
- You paid him? she whispers. Her grip on the door must have loosened because she's sliding but still standing, and it feels like she's drowning. You paid him… to… to rape me?
- Honey. He smirks. If that's what you need to tell yourself.
- Get out. Get out, get out, GET OUT!
- No, I think I'll sit right here and wait for my son to come home. This little charade has gone on long enough, don't you think?
Haley goes back into her room, reaches into the suitcase. She pulls out the gun. She remembers the night she bought it off some guy on the street. Her skin was still red and sore from all the scrubbing. She levels the gun at Dan, but he still won't go.
He won't go, and then Nathan is there and she doesn't want him to see her like this.
She can't tell him.
- Nathan, thank god you're here. Dan says. She just went off at me, she's crazy…
- No! She yells, but it's really a sob, and her hands are shaking so hard that the gun is pointing places she doesn't want it to. Don't you dare-
- Haley? Nathan says soothingly, and she backs away because she can't, she can't, she can't…
- She slept with Chris. She's trying to kill me because I know.
- That's not true, you son of a bitch! And the gun is still trembling and she's trying to back away from Nathan but he's so close. It's not true, Nathan, she pleads. It's not, please, don't believe him.
- It's okay. Please, give me the gun, okay?
The tears don't stop, not even she swipes at them with her free hand. He's like this blurry person in front of her, and she needs him to be clear again. She needs him to know what happened.
She can't tell him.
Dan can. And he does, but he uses all the wrong words and leaves some out, even she points the gun at him, steady, her voice a close second. He's sticking to this story that he did it for his son, even when he's got a bullet in his leg and more than just blood on his hands.
- I believe you, Haley. I know what happened, what he did to you. And then Nathan is clear, and she can see that he can see her. But you don't have to do this. You're better than this, Haley.
He's standing there with his hands held out, and she gives him herself and the gun in exchange for a place in his arms.
There is one minute of silence until he spins them around, a last dance.
He empties the bullets into his father's chest without letting her go.
END
”I promise you Haley. I will always be there for you, I will always protect you. Okay? I will always protect you. Always.”
- Nathan, in The Desperate Kingdom of Love (One Tree Hill, 2.01)