Жесть. Мне нравится =) Куча пафоса, фэнтезийных стереотипов, серьезная мораль. Гномьи поговорки (серьезно, интересен источник! уж не из поколения в поколение ли они передаются в твоей семье :D). А принцесса явно гламурная бландинка. Короче, колоссальнейший зачОт =)
"an empty tavern in a small village on the bottom of a mountain" sounds wrong. Just like "Он вошёл в комнату в доме в городе". "not yet got" it's supposed to be "gotten" instead of "got" "the group of adventurers the entrance to a cave " verb missing? "was covered" and "was filled" sounds passive, try "the odor of rotting flesh filled the air" "casted" should be "cast" "princess the sorceress" why didn't you mention she was a sorceress before?
Sorry, sorry, sorry. That was just my editing instinct. I liked the basic idea of your story. Although perhaps it could be written more like a parable or a fable and less like a short version of a fantasy book. Also, I don't see what the tavern has anything to do with the story.
I thought that your English was pretty good. Your writing is definitely better than the average student (here). But it could definitely be a lot better.
I wonder if this story would have sounded better if you had written it in Russian.
> "princess the sorceress" why didn't you mention she was a sorceress before? my bad :) in the world of role-playing all the princesess are sorceresses xD
The tavern obviously has nothing to do with the story. But my teacher wanted "a longer introduction". :(
P.S.: I'll try to write a better answer when I'm a little bit less high. If I don't fall asleep. :)
As Tim said, I'm not made to be a writer (maybe he is just jealous :P) =)
P.S.: This is an unrevisioned version. My teacher had corrected some of the mistakes, but I was too lazy to correct them in the .doc file later.
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Great idea though, you really get your point through, if not in a very refined way.
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"not yet got" it's supposed to be "gotten" instead of "got"
"the group of adventurers the entrance to a cave " verb missing?
"was covered" and "was filled" sounds passive, try "the odor of rotting flesh filled the air"
"casted" should be "cast"
"princess the sorceress" why didn't you mention she was a sorceress before?
Sorry, sorry, sorry. That was just my editing instinct. I liked the basic idea of your story. Although perhaps it could be written more like a parable or a fable and less like a short version of a fantasy book. Also, I don't see what the tavern has anything to do with the story.
I thought that your English was pretty good. Your writing is definitely better than the average student (here). But it could definitely be a lot better.
I wonder if this story would have sounded better if you had written it in Russian.
Reply
> "princess the sorceress" why didn't you mention she was a sorceress before?
my bad :)
in the world of role-playing all the princesess are sorceresses xD
The tavern obviously has nothing to do with the story. But my teacher wanted "a longer introduction". :(
P.S.: I'll try to write a better answer when I'm a little bit less high. If I don't fall asleep. :)
As Tim said, I'm not made to be a writer (maybe he is just jealous :P) =)
P.S.: This is an unrevisioned version. My teacher had corrected some of the mistakes, but I was too lazy to correct them in the .doc file later.
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P.S. it's "unrevised" not "unrevisioned" (I think)
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