(no subject)
It's my 2nd day of classes and I have a short break in between class. I need somewhere to vent because I'm already ridiculously stressed. I suck at relaxing, seriously.
It's kind of funny. The last entry I wrote in this (which is private) was May 17th. It was a reflection on my first year of college and my first serious relationship How much I'd changed for the better, how much I want to change about myself still, how in love with Brandon I was, and how things were going so well for us. Two days later, we broke up. Everyone was pretty shocked, including myself. I wish I could explain the circumstances. I'll try. Brandon is a pretty different person. Even when I was 15, something about me intrigued him. His dad was abusive which is why he lived at my house for 6 months. Hence the giant crush I developed on one of my older brother's best friends. He's very intelligent, a pretty big nerd and a year away from entering a Pharmacy program. He's incredibly motivated and all things he learns seem to come almost effortlessly. He'll for sure be successful in life. Well, assuming the definition of successful is being financially stable and never having to worry about finding a job. We'll always need pharmacists. He's highly opinionated, good at arguing, and a very dominant personality. He makes his points clear, and is generally pretty arrogant. It's something I love and hate about him. He's a very strong person. He's very, very honest. He would not dream of cheating on anyone. That's not even naive to think, he's just not like that. All. I took every little thing he said to heart. His ideas and things are almost always logic based. At the same time, he always considers other peoples emotions and any other stance when he thinks and speaks. He comes off to most as quiet and serious, but he's also hilarious and loooooves to talk. Listening to him talk is never boring. Like, seriously. He could talk to me about Chemistry equations (which is definitely not my thing) and find a way to make me interested. Maybe that's the whole being smitten thing. I thought (or think?) everything he says is like, the word of a god, or something. I don't know. But really, he has millions of great qualities and I love him so much it hurts. His ideas on relationships and pretty much everything are pretty non-conventional. He likes the idea of poly-amorous relationships and being free. He tells me he's ready to move on to the next life. All these things... Honestly, I feel like I've never had a non-superficial relationship with anyone but him. We could talk about absolutely anything.
I possess many opposite characteristics than him. I'm not very articulate dye to overwhelming shyness and the fear of sounding stupid. I'm highly emotional. I'm not the most confident. Etc. You get the idea. But we worked so well together, he told me all the time that he thought that. I did too. Opposites attract, right? There was still the common links, and in general, we got along amazingly. We never had big fights. I go to college 2 hours away, but we talked every night for hours and hours. Arguments we did have were pretty one sided, I'll admit. He generally god annoyed over highly stupid things. I'd convince myself it was my fault or in the wrong because I didn't want to argue. I hate arguing, especially when the person on the other end is so, you know, impossible to argue with. I'd go to sleep so upset over stuff sometimes. I was obsessive and so afraid of losing him that it was one of the biggest and only problems in our relationship. When we saw each other, (I went home many, many weekends) things were never bad. Ever. He called me when he knew I was having a stressful day, did cute little things, surprised me with dessert, you name it.
So when he broke up with me (on the last day of school. man, that final sucked) it was pretty surprising. He told me it really wasn't me. Oldest bullshit reason in the book, I know. But I have to believe him. He doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't want a relationship with anyone, he says. He doesn't want to be tied down at such a young age. He doesn't want to be "possessed". All these things. At the same time he said that if he ever does find someone, it can't be someone so passive and a bunch of other things. I dunno. To make this part of the ramble shorter, he told me he'd rather me be one of his best friends. Like, the same phone conversation that we realized we were "done", he was telling me he wants me to be a part of his life forever, like Chad (his brother) and Aaron (his best friend). He didn't want to drag out a relationship he was unhappy in and have it end in us never speaking to each other again. He still wanted to hang out with me often, etc.
Summer began with me going to his house and crying in his arms for a pretty long time. He told me it was something we'd get through together. How weird is that? And clearly impossible, I know. Crying in the arms of someone that has just dumped you. He told me that if I were willing to hurt for a little while, it would be better in the long run since we will always have that strong connection we had. Very convincing. Not saying I don't believe it now, I'm just...pretty upset. Everyone around me that knew the situation thought that it was bullshit. That I should cut ties completely and take time to get over it. But I don't know. Things were good. I stayed at his house, helped him move into a new one... eventually was there every day. Living there. I was as happy as could be. When I cried, it was because I missed the physical part of our relationship. I didn't want to stop cuddling, having sex, etc. He told me he didn't think I could handle it though he could. I disagreed. I don't regret it still, because that's not .. the problem. I don't even know what the problem is.
He was definitely glad I was leaving and rightfully so. I didn't give him any space and he rarely said anything because he is all conscious of my feelings or whatever. I obviousl
It's kind of funny. The last entry I wrote in this (which is private) was May 17th. It was a reflection on my first year of college and my first serious relationship How much I'd changed for the better, how much I want to change about myself still, how in love with Brandon I was, and how things were going so well for us. Two days later, we broke up. Everyone was pretty shocked, including myself. I wish I could explain the circumstances. I'll try. Brandon is a pretty different person. Even when I was 15, something about me intrigued him. His dad was abusive which is why he lived at my house for 6 months. Hence the giant crush I developed on one of my older brother's best friends. He's very intelligent, a pretty big nerd and a year away from entering a Pharmacy program. He's incredibly motivated and all things he learns seem to come almost effortlessly. He'll for sure be successful in life. Well, assuming the definition of successful is being financially stable and never having to worry about finding a job. We'll always need pharmacists. He's highly opinionated, good at arguing, and a very dominant personality. He makes his points clear, and is generally pretty arrogant. It's something I love and hate about him. He's a very strong person. He's very, very honest. He would not dream of cheating on anyone. That's not even naive to think, he's just not like that. All. I took every little thing he said to heart. His ideas and things are almost always logic based. At the same time, he always considers other peoples emotions and any other stance when he thinks and speaks. He comes off to most as quiet and serious, but he's also hilarious and loooooves to talk. Listening to him talk is never boring. Like, seriously. He could talk to me about Chemistry equations (which is definitely not my thing) and find a way to make me interested. Maybe that's the whole being smitten thing. I thought (or think?) everything he says is like, the word of a god, or something. I don't know. But really, he has millions of great qualities and I love him so much it hurts. His ideas on relationships and pretty much everything are pretty non-conventional. He likes the idea of poly-amorous relationships and being free. He tells me he's ready to move on to the next life. All these things... Honestly, I feel like I've never had a non-superficial relationship with anyone but him. We could talk about absolutely anything.
I possess many opposite characteristics than him. I'm not very articulate dye to overwhelming shyness and the fear of sounding stupid. I'm highly emotional. I'm not the most confident. Etc. You get the idea. But we worked so well together, he told me all the time that he thought that. I did too. Opposites attract, right? There was still the common links, and in general, we got along amazingly. We never had big fights. I go to college 2 hours away, but we talked every night for hours and hours. Arguments we did have were pretty one sided, I'll admit. He generally god annoyed over highly stupid things. I'd convince myself it was my fault or in the wrong because I didn't want to argue. I hate arguing, especially when the person on the other end is so, you know, impossible to argue with. I'd go to sleep so upset over stuff sometimes. I was obsessive and so afraid of losing him that it was one of the biggest and only problems in our relationship. When we saw each other, (I went home many, many weekends) things were never bad. Ever. He called me when he knew I was having a stressful day, did cute little things, surprised me with dessert, you name it.
So when he broke up with me (on the last day of school. man, that final sucked) it was pretty surprising. He told me it really wasn't me. Oldest bullshit reason in the book, I know. But I have to believe him. He doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't want a relationship with anyone, he says. He doesn't want to be tied down at such a young age. He doesn't want to be "possessed". All these things. At the same time he said that if he ever does find someone, it can't be someone so passive and a bunch of other things. I dunno. To make this part of the ramble shorter, he told me he'd rather me be one of his best friends. Like, the same phone conversation that we realized we were "done", he was telling me he wants me to be a part of his life forever, like Chad (his brother) and Aaron (his best friend). He didn't want to drag out a relationship he was unhappy in and have it end in us never speaking to each other again. He still wanted to hang out with me often, etc.
Summer began with me going to his house and crying in his arms for a pretty long time. He told me it was something we'd get through together. How weird is that? And clearly impossible, I know. Crying in the arms of someone that has just dumped you. He told me that if I were willing to hurt for a little while, it would be better in the long run since we will always have that strong connection we had. Very convincing. Not saying I don't believe it now, I'm just...pretty upset. Everyone around me that knew the situation thought that it was bullshit. That I should cut ties completely and take time to get over it. But I don't know. Things were good. I stayed at his house, helped him move into a new one... eventually was there every day. Living there. I was as happy as could be. When I cried, it was because I missed the physical part of our relationship. I didn't want to stop cuddling, having sex, etc. He told me he didn't think I could handle it though he could. I disagreed. I don't regret it still, because that's not .. the problem. I don't even know what the problem is.
He was definitely glad I was leaving and rightfully so. I didn't give him any space and he rarely said anything because he is all conscious of my feelings or whatever. I obviousl