Eh?

[glockgal]

I'm Sorry
I've felt there are two categories of 'I'm sorry' which many people (including me!) have used:

TYPE 1: the true apology, where the apologist is genuinely interested in changing their actions and/or perspectives. They are generally willing to listen, to learn, to progress, to practice further conscientious behaviour.

TYPE 2: the false

Comments

[thoracopagus]

How about the aggressive-aggressive apology, which is where Type 2 becomes resentful, gets upset at you, then does the passive-aggressive non-apology except with more yelling, and starts berating you for not forgiving them because OH MY GOD I JUST APOLOGIZED ARGH.

Because, um, I get that from certain parts of my family/ coworkers a lot. :|

As for me, I'm definitely prone to Type 3 when I'm under a lot of stress, more for things I say than setting down bags etc. Because if I'm in a bad mood, and the things I say are coming from that mood, I assume that I'm going to upset other people, so I just start apologizing to everyone. I never thought about how it set them up like that, because for me, the intent is to let them know that if I seem bitchy, it's totally not their fault.

[glockgal]

starts berating you for not forgiving them because OH MY GOD I JUST APOLOGIZED ARGH.

THIS IS THE TOUGHEST THING EVER. And I've been on both sides, where I apologize and the Offended says 'That's not a real apology!!' and I'm like 'wtf' (even know deep down I know they're right, but I just want them to stop being mad at me...talk to my sister about this scenario, ahaha).

When I've been the Offended, it's like. How do you tell them that you don't accept their false apology because it's false? It's not like we have a handy flow-chart to pull out and show people where the psychologically/verbally failed in giving a genuine apology. If you say 'That's not a real apology' you come off sounding petulant. Blah. In short - dude, I feel for you, I really do. <3 I have no solutions for this, and I wish I did!

Needs further pondering!

the intent is to let them know that if I seem bitchy, it's totally not their fault.Oh! My easy solution for this is to just say right off the bat (if you can) - "Dude, I am in a really crabby mood, so just

[thoracopagus]

IDK man, maybe we just have to find the perfect phrasing for the conversation, like, "I hear what you're saying but the way you're saying it is still hurting me," then walking away. Because that kind of apology is so in the moment and trying to just quickly resolve something, both people probably need to cool down before anyone is really going to be sorry and/or forgiving.

And if you phrase it to be about you and your feelings, instead of YOUR APOLOGY IS A LIE, you're no longer assuming things about their motivation/ questioning it, so they have less to get offended about. Though obviously some people will anyway.

I will definitely try the "I'm crabby" explanation tomorrow at work, since that's pretty much how it goes every Friday night. XD

[glockgal]

Yessss I think the 'walking away' is really key even though if you've been wronged, it is really difficult to do, particularly if your emotions are all torn up. Being the bigger person can be so hard! Sometimes I just want the apology NOW and I want that apology to be RIGHT. AND NOW. DAMMIT.

OMG good luck, bb! <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333

[imaginarycircus]

The angry apology that is an apology in words only, but not sincerely meant. I get this from the husband sometimes when he doesn't want any arguing to continue, but he is too made to actually apologize for being a dick. Of course it has the opposite effect and sends me over the moon with rage so I think he's almost learned NOT TO DO IT.

[glockgal]

YES. The angry apology is more kind of "I don't want to argue anymore, and saying 'sorry' will make you stop" when in reality - as you say - it does nothing but fuel the fire even more!

There have been times where I too have had to bite my tongue and NOT given a 'not you shut up' apology because, yeah. It does nothing but (rightfully!) antagonize, heh.

[cluegirl]

I like to call it the "STOP BEING MAD AT ME" apology. It has nothing to do with the apologist understanding what his or her error was, or what it put the victim through, nor does in include any hint that the exact same thing won't happen again in the future, whenever events line up just so. But it's almost always given in public, in front of an audience, thereby setting the recipient up as the bad guy if she refuses to accept it.

This apology does have a subclause as 'clueless apology', where the apologist doesn't understand, knows she doesn't understand, but is so distressed by the offense of the offended party that she's just going to apologize over and over again until someone explains it to her and makes it all better.

[glockgal]

But it's almost always given in public, in front of an audience, thereby setting the recipient up as the bad guy if she refuses to accept it.

Oooh yes! My sister said the same thing on my DW post! She said -
It also redirects all of the attention/sympathy to this poor put-upon "contrite" person instead of the one who was actually hurt by that person's actions, to the point where onlookers get really protective of the "contrite" one and mutter that the hurt person should accept the apology and there's no reason to make Contritey feel bad, etc. etc. bullshittologica.

I wholeheartedly agree with you guys, for sure.

where the apologist doesn't understand, knows she doesn't understand, but is so distressed by the offense of the offended party that she's just going to apologize over and over again until someone explains it to her and makes it all better.

This can go one way or the other. Sometimes the apologist genuinely wants things explained but a lot of the time, that 'educate me!' plea is in and of itself, false. It's linked to

[florahart]

I'm not sure where this one goes, but I see it a lot: I'm sorry, but if you're going to [action] then [consequence], or similar. Uh, like, "I'm sorry, but if you walk out in the busy street without looking, there's a decent chance you're either going to get hit by a car or going to get scared about to death by a close call." I am very sure I say things like this to my kids--I'm sorry you're hungry RITE NAO, but I can't make dinner with no pans or plates, and doing the dishes is your job and you haven't done them, so yes, very sorry you are hungry, but it's going to take a while to do anything about it.

This one's a problem because sometimes it means, I'm sorry you don't like this obvious outcome, but there it is (and understanding this will help you understand how not to see the consequence again), and sometimes it's used in really icky ways, like, "I'm sorry, but if you walk around in a skirt like that, men are going to rape you." <--NOT FLORA'S OPINION. I think folks who use it this second way, which generally, I think (without

[glockgal]

Oooh that's a good one to bring up. And yes, I guess it's like a Type 4 : the warning apology? With a Part 1 (reasonable warning) and a Part 2 (insidious victim blaming)?

Interesting addition to Type 3. Before reading your unspoken, I immediately translated "I'm sorry, but I like reading trashy novels" to be coded as "I'm not sorry at all, in fact, I'm quite proud; but I'm confident that you will judge me" which could be taken as a passive-aggressive way of delivering one's opinion? As you say, it immediately puts the other in the defensive.

Thinking more about that, I recall that I have had people say "I'm sorry, but I like _______" delivered to me like a defensive challenge. To which I respond "um. good for you?" because I refuse to be cornered into the role of their Socially Normative Oppressor. I tend to be more annoyed when friends do this, because I feel like 'dude, you KNOW me. You should know better than to assume I'd somehow judge you for your preference'.

[thoracopagus]

Oh, and don't forget the Insincere Non-Apology Under Duress, like when you hit your sibling and your mom is like NOW APOLOGIZE, and you're totally not sorry but you have to say it anyway. I did a lot of those growing up. XD

[glockgal]

FWAHAHAA yesss I think that falls under Type 2 because god knows I'd give that sort of apology and then do the same thing to my sister two days later, FOFL.