kangteuk: should-haves or might-have-beens
should-haves or might-have-beens
kangteuk. pg-ish. 2284 words. angst. it probably could have been for the contest but i decided to pass on it :\. an unfortunate story about how many people in the world deal with love; therefore, there is no happy ending.
click here for an instrumental you might like to listen to while reading this story.
The wind was shifting, trees were rustling and leaves were falling to the ground. It probably wasn't the best day to be out at the park. In fact, it was basically deserted, apart from two lone figures. One was a man in his late twenties, a hood over his head and spade in his hand. The other was a small child of about three and a half years in age.
"Angel, stay close to me!" He called out gently, then moved over toward a tree, kneeling down in front of it with a small, knowing smile. This was the place.
----
"What the hell are we doing here?" He hissed, giving a threatening look to the boy who was kneeling in front of the tree. The older man flipped hair of of his eyes by tossing his head, lifting his eyes to meet Kang In's.
"I'm almost done, just trust me, Kang In-ah." He said gently with a smile, returning his gaze to the hole he was digging, a pile of dirt neatly placed beside the hole. Ee Teuk's hands never got dirty, Kang In noticed before shifting his eyes around uncomfortably. There had to be some kind of law against this...
"Against digging holes? A law against digging holes?" Ee Teuk would ask later, laughing out loud with his eyes crinkling.
-----
Kang In's smile widened and he looked over to see his daughter sitting against a tree nearby, her eyes furrowed in confusion as she held her book upside down. Turning a page, she sighed loudly in frustration, eyes widening when she realized why her pictures were upside down and she turned the book over accordingly, grinning widely- eyes crinkling. The older man sighed loudly, looking up to the sky before leaning back down to start digging in the spot where Ee Teuk had carved 'KT' in bold English letters on the tree trunk, right above where a hole had been dug exactly five years ago.
You'll know where to find it without looking, Kang In-ah. You'll remember.
Kang In began to dig, glancing over his shoulder at his daughter every now and then. He piled dirt to the side of the hole, but his hands got dirty.
-----
"Kang In!" Ee Teuk shouted, even though he don't have to. Kang In was right beside him but he know he wouldn't pay attention to him if Ee Teuk had just said his name and babbled on for a good ten minutes before Kang In realized he were talking. Kang In turned his head away from the television and stared at Ee Teuk blankly, sinking back against the couch.
"You didn't have to yell..." He said softly, narrowing his eyes and pulling his eyebrows down as well. "What is it?"
"What do you think about forever?" Ee Teuk asked, leaning back against Kang In as he put one arm around the smaller frame, letting his hand dangle down over his chest.
"I think," Ee Teuk stared at his face and he looked very thoughtful, using his other hand to touch a finger to his chin. "I think that my answer is the same as the dictionary would give you." He grinned and the smaller man scowled, slapping his leg.
-----
He hit something with his spade and his mouth gaped open as he quickly used his hands to remove a small jar from the ground. He removed the jar lid carefully, turning it upside down and placing it beside the hole in the ground. Taking a deep breath, he dusted his hands off on his pants before shaking a square of paper out of the jar with his real name, Youngwoon, printed neatly on the front. Silently, Kang In set the jar down beside the lid and stood up, making his way over to the bench closest to the tree. He sat and looked over at Angel, who was too enthralled with her book to even bother noticing anything else.
Kang In fumbled with unfolding the piece of paper and took a deep breath, looking to the sky again before returning his eyes to the perfect handwriting.
-----
"One day we won't be so busy, hyung. We can go out and do whatever we want and sleep whenever we want, but right now I wouldn't want anything else. It may feel hard sometimes but I think what we're doing is worth doing... or something like that?" Kang In finished with a yawn and Ee Teuk carefully lowered his legs, his fingers moving from Kang In's hair to pat at his back.
"You're making too much sense so i think it's time for us to go sleep."
"Lay down with me and we'll sleep here."
"They'll tease us in the morning."
"Korea's number one bad boy," Kang In started in English, "Will make sure they're quiet. Come on, hyung- the bed is too far."
Even after Ee Teuk continuously begged to go to sleep in bed instead, he ended up with Kang In's arms wrapped around his body with the pink blanket wrapped around them snugly- still on the couch. He could have complained but he didn't because it felt warm and he had missed that warmth too much to utter a sound in retaliation. The older man barely got any sleep, his eyes roaming over Kang In's overworked features almost until daybreak which was when his eyes finally shut, forehead falling against Kang In's chest.
-----
Kang In sat on the bench with sweaty hands. Damnit, he'd already managed to rip his paper in three places and ink stains were all over the place. He'd crossed out so many words that he was sure Ee Teuk wouldn't be able to read his mess of handwriting. He was sure that Ee Teuk's paper was perfectly written, clearly printed- almost as if it had come right off of the press. Ee Teuk was perfect, clean shaven and pure. So he wrote about that, fighting with himself over words. Clumsily stumbling over things that his brain wanted him to say and things that his heart wanted him to say.
Hey Teukie,
I think that this was a pretty dumb idea, but I guess that maybe you needed to tell me something. Maybe I should tell you something too. Maybe I should tell you that I like you a lot.
Kang In crossed the last line out and looked back at his hyung, swallowing slowly.
Maybe I should tell you something too but I don't know what to tell you.
He drew a large heart at the bottom of the page, two stick figures holding hands. The smaller one with a halo over his head labeled Ee Teuk, the taller one with an angry face labeled Kang In.
I'll protect you forever, hyung.
Yeah, that would do, he thought.
-----
Dear Kang In-ah,
I see you've found the letter. It was silly of me to make you write one to me, wasn't it? Five years, huh? It's been a while. Super Junior is now Super Senior~ Kekeke... Are you married? Do you have children? Are you happy? I hope you're very happy. I guess the reason why I told you to write something to me was more for my sake of writing a letter to you. Something I've felt too silly to be able to get out verbally, so I thought I would tell you in a letter.
I am writing this in hopes that you will never find it, that you will continue on with your life with no regrets- no should-haves or might-have-beens. I do not want to be the cause of sadness or anger. That is the last thing I want for someone as dear and true of a friend as you have been to me. If you understand this, then you can continue on with this letter or rip it up in tiny pieces.
Yah, I'm trying to keep it together. You keep looking at me in apprehension. Are you scared of the things I will say? I pray for you every night, pray that you will be safe and I'm sure that five years from now, when we are two worlds apart, I will still pray for you and try to keep our hearts very close to each other. There is a pain in my chest when I think that there will be a time that we won't be together anymore, but I promise that my heart will stay with you. I guess it goes without saying that I love you very much. It is not a best friend's love. It is a deep, deep love. A love that I never thought I would know. I thought that if I got it out on paper, it wouldn't come out of my mouth accidentally and ruin your future.
I heard once that it was much better to walk away from someone you love- because letting them know it is sometimes more painful than keeping the feeling inside of your chest. So, I will keep my feeling inside of me forever if I have to. I am not very sure about love, but I do think that this is a love that wakes you up in the middle of the night or makes it hard to love anyone else.
I hope you are eating well and that your life is happy. I hope that you fall in love and that you never get scars on your heart from past relationships. I hope you always take chances and that things never make you act differently. I hope that no one makes you think that you have to be someone else because the person I have fallen for must be pretty amazing, huh? Amazing enough to never make himself different for anyone. Continue being Korea's number one. Don't take life for granted, Kang In-ah. Life is too short for that. Take care of the ones you hold closest to you, I will not say never let them go- because sometimes people need to be let go. They need to live and love and hurt and feel.
I'm rambling and I think that you are done, but not wanting to show me and hurt my feelings by being finished first, so I will end this quickly. Don't be afraid to cry and smile and laugh, take risks and don't make the same mistakes that I am making.
It has been five years and my heart is still yours.
Please believe me when I tell you this.
Your angel,
Ee Teuk.
-----
"Why is my daddy crying?" The little girl asked softly to an older man who had knelt down beside her, a piece of paper carefully folded in his left hand.
"Your daddy just read something that someone didn't want him to read." He smiled sadly, turning the paper back and forth in his hands as he looked over at Kang In. "What's your name?"
"Angel."
"That's a pretty name..." Ee Teuk whispered without knowing how to breathe, his lungs forcing the words out of his mouth painfully.
"What's your name?"
"Jung su... Is your daddy happy?"
"Not right now!"
"Yeah, I can see that- but does your daddy smile a lot?"
"Yes! He tells me stories about a group called Super Junior and he is most happy then!"
"Where is your mommy?"
"My mommy? Oh! Daddy said that she was up in the sky, she takes care of me by watching me!" Ee Teuk bit back tears, looking up toward the sky with a gulp before focusing back down on the little girl, smiling once again. "He says that he doesn't know my mommy, but she told him in a dream to take me to him and for him to take me to his house!"
"Korea's number one daddy, huh?" She let her mouth gape open and she pointed a finger at the man in front of her with wide eyes.
"How did you know?"
"Just a guess," Ee Teuk whispered with a forced laugh.
"You're very smart, oppa!"
"I'm just a fool. You be good, don't give him a hard time, okay?" He swallowed and somehow managed to keep the tears back that stung his eyes.
"Do you think you can do something for me?"
"Maybe!"
"Can you promise me, even though you don't know me very well... Don't take life for..... don't use your life up without thinking about things first. Life is very short. Take care of everyone that you love very much, but when it is time to let them go, give them room to breathe. But still keep them in your heart. Don't be afraid to cry and smile and laugh. Be Angel all the time."
"Be Angel all the time," She repeated thoughtfully, nodding very slowly as if she understood.
Ee Teuk knew she wouldn't, but he smiled anyway, swallowing the lump in his chest.
"Now go talk to your daddy, the person who needs you the most." Ee Teuk whispered, slowly getting up off of the ground and helping Angel to her feet.
"Do you want me to say anything from you?"
"No, just act like I was never here. I don't want to be a burden." He said softly, patting the top of her head affectionately.
"It was nice to see you today, Jung..."
"Go to your daddy." Ee Teuk whispered, patting her on the back encouragingly before quietly heading out of the park, wind blowing harsh slaps across his face, delivering punches to his heart.
Don't be afraid to cry and smile and laugh, take risks and don't make the same mistakes that I am making.
It has been five years and my heart is still yours.
kangteuk. pg-ish. 2284 words. angst. it probably could have been for the contest but i decided to pass on it :\. an unfortunate story about how many people in the world deal with love; therefore, there is no happy ending.
click here for an instrumental you might like to listen to while reading this story.
The wind was shifting, trees were rustling and leaves were falling to the ground. It probably wasn't the best day to be out at the park. In fact, it was basically deserted, apart from two lone figures. One was a man in his late twenties, a hood over his head and spade in his hand. The other was a small child of about three and a half years in age.
"Angel, stay close to me!" He called out gently, then moved over toward a tree, kneeling down in front of it with a small, knowing smile. This was the place.
----
"What the hell are we doing here?" He hissed, giving a threatening look to the boy who was kneeling in front of the tree. The older man flipped hair of of his eyes by tossing his head, lifting his eyes to meet Kang In's.
"I'm almost done, just trust me, Kang In-ah." He said gently with a smile, returning his gaze to the hole he was digging, a pile of dirt neatly placed beside the hole. Ee Teuk's hands never got dirty, Kang In noticed before shifting his eyes around uncomfortably. There had to be some kind of law against this...
"Against digging holes? A law against digging holes?" Ee Teuk would ask later, laughing out loud with his eyes crinkling.
-----
Kang In's smile widened and he looked over to see his daughter sitting against a tree nearby, her eyes furrowed in confusion as she held her book upside down. Turning a page, she sighed loudly in frustration, eyes widening when she realized why her pictures were upside down and she turned the book over accordingly, grinning widely- eyes crinkling. The older man sighed loudly, looking up to the sky before leaning back down to start digging in the spot where Ee Teuk had carved 'KT' in bold English letters on the tree trunk, right above where a hole had been dug exactly five years ago.
You'll know where to find it without looking, Kang In-ah. You'll remember.
Kang In began to dig, glancing over his shoulder at his daughter every now and then. He piled dirt to the side of the hole, but his hands got dirty.
-----
"Kang In!" Ee Teuk shouted, even though he don't have to. Kang In was right beside him but he know he wouldn't pay attention to him if Ee Teuk had just said his name and babbled on for a good ten minutes before Kang In realized he were talking. Kang In turned his head away from the television and stared at Ee Teuk blankly, sinking back against the couch.
"You didn't have to yell..." He said softly, narrowing his eyes and pulling his eyebrows down as well. "What is it?"
"What do you think about forever?" Ee Teuk asked, leaning back against Kang In as he put one arm around the smaller frame, letting his hand dangle down over his chest.
"I think," Ee Teuk stared at his face and he looked very thoughtful, using his other hand to touch a finger to his chin. "I think that my answer is the same as the dictionary would give you." He grinned and the smaller man scowled, slapping his leg.
-----
He hit something with his spade and his mouth gaped open as he quickly used his hands to remove a small jar from the ground. He removed the jar lid carefully, turning it upside down and placing it beside the hole in the ground. Taking a deep breath, he dusted his hands off on his pants before shaking a square of paper out of the jar with his real name, Youngwoon, printed neatly on the front. Silently, Kang In set the jar down beside the lid and stood up, making his way over to the bench closest to the tree. He sat and looked over at Angel, who was too enthralled with her book to even bother noticing anything else.
Kang In fumbled with unfolding the piece of paper and took a deep breath, looking to the sky again before returning his eyes to the perfect handwriting.
-----
"One day we won't be so busy, hyung. We can go out and do whatever we want and sleep whenever we want, but right now I wouldn't want anything else. It may feel hard sometimes but I think what we're doing is worth doing... or something like that?" Kang In finished with a yawn and Ee Teuk carefully lowered his legs, his fingers moving from Kang In's hair to pat at his back.
"You're making too much sense so i think it's time for us to go sleep."
"Lay down with me and we'll sleep here."
"They'll tease us in the morning."
"Korea's number one bad boy," Kang In started in English, "Will make sure they're quiet. Come on, hyung- the bed is too far."
Even after Ee Teuk continuously begged to go to sleep in bed instead, he ended up with Kang In's arms wrapped around his body with the pink blanket wrapped around them snugly- still on the couch. He could have complained but he didn't because it felt warm and he had missed that warmth too much to utter a sound in retaliation. The older man barely got any sleep, his eyes roaming over Kang In's overworked features almost until daybreak which was when his eyes finally shut, forehead falling against Kang In's chest.
-----
Kang In sat on the bench with sweaty hands. Damnit, he'd already managed to rip his paper in three places and ink stains were all over the place. He'd crossed out so many words that he was sure Ee Teuk wouldn't be able to read his mess of handwriting. He was sure that Ee Teuk's paper was perfectly written, clearly printed- almost as if it had come right off of the press. Ee Teuk was perfect, clean shaven and pure. So he wrote about that, fighting with himself over words. Clumsily stumbling over things that his brain wanted him to say and things that his heart wanted him to say.
Hey Teukie,
I think that this was a pretty dumb idea, but I guess that maybe you needed to tell me something. Maybe I should tell you something too. Maybe I should tell you that I like you a lot.
Kang In crossed the last line out and looked back at his hyung, swallowing slowly.
Maybe I should tell you something too but I don't know what to tell you.
He drew a large heart at the bottom of the page, two stick figures holding hands. The smaller one with a halo over his head labeled Ee Teuk, the taller one with an angry face labeled Kang In.
I'll protect you forever, hyung.
Yeah, that would do, he thought.
-----
Dear Kang In-ah,
I see you've found the letter. It was silly of me to make you write one to me, wasn't it? Five years, huh? It's been a while. Super Junior is now Super Senior~ Kekeke... Are you married? Do you have children? Are you happy? I hope you're very happy. I guess the reason why I told you to write something to me was more for my sake of writing a letter to you. Something I've felt too silly to be able to get out verbally, so I thought I would tell you in a letter.
I am writing this in hopes that you will never find it, that you will continue on with your life with no regrets- no should-haves or might-have-beens. I do not want to be the cause of sadness or anger. That is the last thing I want for someone as dear and true of a friend as you have been to me. If you understand this, then you can continue on with this letter or rip it up in tiny pieces.
Yah, I'm trying to keep it together. You keep looking at me in apprehension. Are you scared of the things I will say? I pray for you every night, pray that you will be safe and I'm sure that five years from now, when we are two worlds apart, I will still pray for you and try to keep our hearts very close to each other. There is a pain in my chest when I think that there will be a time that we won't be together anymore, but I promise that my heart will stay with you. I guess it goes without saying that I love you very much. It is not a best friend's love. It is a deep, deep love. A love that I never thought I would know. I thought that if I got it out on paper, it wouldn't come out of my mouth accidentally and ruin your future.
I heard once that it was much better to walk away from someone you love- because letting them know it is sometimes more painful than keeping the feeling inside of your chest. So, I will keep my feeling inside of me forever if I have to. I am not very sure about love, but I do think that this is a love that wakes you up in the middle of the night or makes it hard to love anyone else.
I hope you are eating well and that your life is happy. I hope that you fall in love and that you never get scars on your heart from past relationships. I hope you always take chances and that things never make you act differently. I hope that no one makes you think that you have to be someone else because the person I have fallen for must be pretty amazing, huh? Amazing enough to never make himself different for anyone. Continue being Korea's number one. Don't take life for granted, Kang In-ah. Life is too short for that. Take care of the ones you hold closest to you, I will not say never let them go- because sometimes people need to be let go. They need to live and love and hurt and feel.
I'm rambling and I think that you are done, but not wanting to show me and hurt my feelings by being finished first, so I will end this quickly. Don't be afraid to cry and smile and laugh, take risks and don't make the same mistakes that I am making.
It has been five years and my heart is still yours.
Please believe me when I tell you this.
Your angel,
Ee Teuk.
-----
"Why is my daddy crying?" The little girl asked softly to an older man who had knelt down beside her, a piece of paper carefully folded in his left hand.
"Your daddy just read something that someone didn't want him to read." He smiled sadly, turning the paper back and forth in his hands as he looked over at Kang In. "What's your name?"
"Angel."
"That's a pretty name..." Ee Teuk whispered without knowing how to breathe, his lungs forcing the words out of his mouth painfully.
"What's your name?"
"Jung su... Is your daddy happy?"
"Not right now!"
"Yeah, I can see that- but does your daddy smile a lot?"
"Yes! He tells me stories about a group called Super Junior and he is most happy then!"
"Where is your mommy?"
"My mommy? Oh! Daddy said that she was up in the sky, she takes care of me by watching me!" Ee Teuk bit back tears, looking up toward the sky with a gulp before focusing back down on the little girl, smiling once again. "He says that he doesn't know my mommy, but she told him in a dream to take me to him and for him to take me to his house!"
"Korea's number one daddy, huh?" She let her mouth gape open and she pointed a finger at the man in front of her with wide eyes.
"How did you know?"
"Just a guess," Ee Teuk whispered with a forced laugh.
"You're very smart, oppa!"
"I'm just a fool. You be good, don't give him a hard time, okay?" He swallowed and somehow managed to keep the tears back that stung his eyes.
"Do you think you can do something for me?"
"Maybe!"
"Can you promise me, even though you don't know me very well... Don't take life for..... don't use your life up without thinking about things first. Life is very short. Take care of everyone that you love very much, but when it is time to let them go, give them room to breathe. But still keep them in your heart. Don't be afraid to cry and smile and laugh. Be Angel all the time."
"Be Angel all the time," She repeated thoughtfully, nodding very slowly as if she understood.
Ee Teuk knew she wouldn't, but he smiled anyway, swallowing the lump in his chest.
"Now go talk to your daddy, the person who needs you the most." Ee Teuk whispered, slowly getting up off of the ground and helping Angel to her feet.
"Do you want me to say anything from you?"
"No, just act like I was never here. I don't want to be a burden." He said softly, patting the top of her head affectionately.
"It was nice to see you today, Jung..."
"Go to your daddy." Ee Teuk whispered, patting her on the back encouragingly before quietly heading out of the park, wind blowing harsh slaps across his face, delivering punches to his heart.
Don't be afraid to cry and smile and laugh, take risks and don't make the same mistakes that I am making.
It has been five years and my heart is still yours.