005/100
001. freefall: kang in/ee teuk
pg. angst. based on the events that take place after toonpatrol's freefall.
his castles are falling along with the rain outside of his window. eyes wide and sharp, teeth catching on his bottom lip, heart strings coming undone. already he feels a burden on his heart, shattered dreams and broken promises hurt too much to feel. everything is numb. it seems as if the sky understands his pain, letting the rain hit his window harder with every hitch in his breath. ee teuk cries when he's unsure of himself, he cries when he's happy and he cries when he watches sad movies, but he's not crying now. he hides his tears when he's hurting and forces on a smile because that's what leaders are supposed to do. they can't show how weak they are mentally, how fragile they are and how quickly they break; so brittle to the softest touch, but unable to show emotion with the strongest blow.
kang in was always there whenever ee teuk needed him most, a hand on his shoulder or soft kisses to his forehead. he was there to remind him when he ate too little, when he drank too much, when it was time to go rest after a long day. now ee teuk isn't so sure if kang in will ever be there. it won't be the same, he can't pretend that this didn't happen. they can't pretend that this didn't happen. he thinks that maybe he should have never told kang in his feelings, it would have been less painful to them both for him to continue on with life as it was. he should have thought about kang in first, he should have thought about super junior first. this is all his fault. that's when the numbness resides and he feels the pain deep within his heart, but he decides against moving and telling kang in just how sorry he is. sorry for suffocating him in bed when there was barely enough room for one, sorry for the burden of a relationship and sorry for falling in love.
"are you scared anymore?"
"the only time i'll ever get scared with this is if i feel like i'm going to lose you."
"just hold on as tightly as you have been and i will never let go."
"okay, teuk, i promise."
it takes a few days for ee teuk to muster up the courage to confront kang in, sitting him down calmly in the living room. he can see the fear etched on kang in's face, the worry on his brow, but he just smiles and pats the younger man's arm tenderly like a good leader- the way a leader is supposed to treat his members. he tells kang in just how sorry he is and that he doesn't feel any animosity towards the younger boy. in fact, he couldn't think of a better thing for his dongsaeng to do. he tells kang in that he wants to be his friend, his best friend- he doesn't want to lose that. he doesn't need any other kind of love from him. he always thought that kang in would look best with a pretty girl, walking her down the aisle in a pretty white dress. he hopes that kang in has the children with that same pretty girl, all chubby cheeks and beautiful eye smiles. ee teuk also hopes that kang in finds someone that isn't as selfish as himself, someone who will give him time to find out what he wants- patient and kind. he wants to be there through it all, smiling because kang in is smiling, happy because kang in is happy. he's always wanted kang in to be happy.
it's not until he reaches his room that he notices his cheeks are soiled with tears, pretty long lashes stuck together and his breathing is unusually labored. he was so caught up in his speech that he prepared that he didn't have time to feel the wetness pouring down his face like the wet coming from the sky on that fated day. he cries because he lied to kang in, cries even harder because now kang in knows he was lying. ee teuk knows that the day kang in gets married to his pretty girl, walking down the aisle in her pretty dress, he would rather be freefalling off of the edge of a building than smiling through the pain; knows he'd rather have a knife through his chest than go without the kisses and the warmth beside him between sheets for one more day.
"i don't deserve you, chun sa."
if you don't, no one does."
"that's not true."
"you are the only person for me."
"do you mean it?"
"i can't look in your eyes and lie, kang in-ah. you should know that by now."
archive.
pg. angst. based on the events that take place after toonpatrol's freefall.
his castles are falling along with the rain outside of his window. eyes wide and sharp, teeth catching on his bottom lip, heart strings coming undone. already he feels a burden on his heart, shattered dreams and broken promises hurt too much to feel. everything is numb. it seems as if the sky understands his pain, letting the rain hit his window harder with every hitch in his breath. ee teuk cries when he's unsure of himself, he cries when he's happy and he cries when he watches sad movies, but he's not crying now. he hides his tears when he's hurting and forces on a smile because that's what leaders are supposed to do. they can't show how weak they are mentally, how fragile they are and how quickly they break; so brittle to the softest touch, but unable to show emotion with the strongest blow.
kang in was always there whenever ee teuk needed him most, a hand on his shoulder or soft kisses to his forehead. he was there to remind him when he ate too little, when he drank too much, when it was time to go rest after a long day. now ee teuk isn't so sure if kang in will ever be there. it won't be the same, he can't pretend that this didn't happen. they can't pretend that this didn't happen. he thinks that maybe he should have never told kang in his feelings, it would have been less painful to them both for him to continue on with life as it was. he should have thought about kang in first, he should have thought about super junior first. this is all his fault. that's when the numbness resides and he feels the pain deep within his heart, but he decides against moving and telling kang in just how sorry he is. sorry for suffocating him in bed when there was barely enough room for one, sorry for the burden of a relationship and sorry for falling in love.
"are you scared anymore?"
"the only time i'll ever get scared with this is if i feel like i'm going to lose you."
"just hold on as tightly as you have been and i will never let go."
"okay, teuk, i promise."
it takes a few days for ee teuk to muster up the courage to confront kang in, sitting him down calmly in the living room. he can see the fear etched on kang in's face, the worry on his brow, but he just smiles and pats the younger man's arm tenderly like a good leader- the way a leader is supposed to treat his members. he tells kang in just how sorry he is and that he doesn't feel any animosity towards the younger boy. in fact, he couldn't think of a better thing for his dongsaeng to do. he tells kang in that he wants to be his friend, his best friend- he doesn't want to lose that. he doesn't need any other kind of love from him. he always thought that kang in would look best with a pretty girl, walking her down the aisle in a pretty white dress. he hopes that kang in has the children with that same pretty girl, all chubby cheeks and beautiful eye smiles. ee teuk also hopes that kang in finds someone that isn't as selfish as himself, someone who will give him time to find out what he wants- patient and kind. he wants to be there through it all, smiling because kang in is smiling, happy because kang in is happy. he's always wanted kang in to be happy.
it's not until he reaches his room that he notices his cheeks are soiled with tears, pretty long lashes stuck together and his breathing is unusually labored. he was so caught up in his speech that he prepared that he didn't have time to feel the wetness pouring down his face like the wet coming from the sky on that fated day. he cries because he lied to kang in, cries even harder because now kang in knows he was lying. ee teuk knows that the day kang in gets married to his pretty girl, walking down the aisle in her pretty dress, he would rather be freefalling off of the edge of a building than smiling through the pain; knows he'd rather have a knife through his chest than go without the kisses and the warmth beside him between sheets for one more day.
"i don't deserve you, chun sa."
if you don't, no one does."
"that's not true."
"you are the only person for me."
"do you mean it?"
"i can't look in your eyes and lie, kang in-ah. you should know that by now."
archive.