(no subject)
Title: It's Only You, Beautiful (Chapter 14)
Pairing: Tony/Jesse, John/Jesse
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not real
Dedication: boysandbruises because just yes. Don'tmakeJessedoanythingstupidormean.
Notes: This will probably be the last update between now and two weeks from now. Sooo, you should all review and make me happy. Other chapters on my LJ by the way.
Ch. 14 -
When you wake up the next morning, you’re wondering if it was all a dream. Well, not a dream, but a nightmare; something untrue and unreal, just one huge gimmick that your brain’s played on you.
But your body still tingles with a slight ache and Craig is looking over you gingerly, as if you’re going to break at any moment. What he doesn’t get is that you’re already broken.
“Jess, get up...school…” he tries, his voice soft and low. He’s using his special voice on you, the one he usually uses to get Cody to listen.
Shake your head at him, pulling the blankets back up to your chest again. There’s no way you’re going back there…he might be there. Shudder and bring your hands around your torso to give yourself a makeshift hug almost. Close your eyes again, snugly; wishing you could fall back into the dark abyss that sleep provided.
It’s impossible though and you can imagine Tony’s past words and actions…they’re all replaying in your head again like some kind of horrible tape and you can’t find the stop button.
Hear Craig sigh and come to sit next to you, his hand going out to awkwardly pat you.
“You gotta try to let this pass Jesse…that’s the only way.”
Shake your head once more and try to glare at him, but end up feeling the pinpricks of tears starting to eat away at you.
Cough and mumble out, your voice still scratchy to your ears. “What if…I don’t want to get over this?”
Craig opens his mouth and for a second he looks like a dying fish, trying to gulp in a breath of life. You should know, you feel like that fish all the time, except that nobody’s there to put you back into the water. Nobody to give you the assurance that there is a reason for you to exist. You’re just taking up perfectly good living space, maybe you needed Tony and Matt to do this to you; to remind you.
Speak quickly, the words coming out harshly, not allowing Craig to interrupt you yet. “What if I can’t get over this?”
There’s a long pause and you know that Craig is debating the fact. There’s already a large portion of him that knows that you’re right and that scares him. You know it does. Feel his hands go to grasp at your worn shirt, the material rubbing together beneath his fingertips.
“You…you have to Jess. I can’t, no…you have to.” His words are in whispers, pleading and tired.
Stare at him, wishing you could comfort him in some way, but you can’t even help yourself.
“I can’t…I don’t know how.”
It’s the truth and you hope that Craig can accept that, even though you know he can’t. And you don’t know what to do with yourself anymore…everybody around you will end up destroying themselves because of you. You’re like a contagious disease sent down to poison and kill everybody you love.
“That doesn’t matter, you have to try. Please?”
Perfect evidence of what you just said. His voice is trembling, you can hear it begin to break and you wish that Craig could just forget about you. If he did…it would make his life so much easier, if only he could realize that. Tony did and it probably was the best thing that ever happened to him.
“Not today…”
You feel like adding ‘not ever’ to that statement, but that would just upset Craig even more than he already is. The aim of this is to get him to understand and not make him feel even worse than he already does.
He forces you into a sitting position, not listening to you when you tell him to stop. This alone reminds you of Tony…and how he wouldn’t stop. Bite into the fleshy, swollen part of your lip, facing Craig.
“You have to promise me Jesse that if I leave you here alone…you won’t do anything…stupid.”
His own blue eyes are chocking with desperation now and his grip on your hand is tightening, clinging onto you, begging you. And you’ll promise him that you won’t because it’ll make him feel better. You want to tell him to just let go of you and ask him if he’s going to make you promise everyday. He can’t always be there to protect you and you both know that.
Close your eyes, unwilling to see the way that tears are starting to gather in his eyes. You want to believe they’re only crocodile tears, you truly do. Maybe if they were, it wouldn’t be so hard and the guilty side of you would stop acting up. It’s not like you’ve even done anything yet so why should you feel like you’re betraying him.
“I won’t Craig,” you tell him, unable to make your words come out as strong as you want them to be. They were meant to reassure him, but the desperation is still split across his face so you’re pretty sure that it didn’t work.
“No…you have to promise me.”
He needs it you realize. He needs to hear that you won’t do something stupid to yourself…that you won’t kill yourself. It’s blunt and harsh to think about, but that’s the reality of it. Your older, star-of-everything, brother is asking…no begging you to not kill yourself. And maybe Tony wasn’t Amy all over again, but you’re turning out to become your father, at the rate you’re going.
Look Craig right in the eye, knowing that you can’t go back from this anymore, because it leaves no room for any doubt that you could use in your defense.
“I promise.”
He nods and tries to shrug it off like he knew you weren’t going to do anything to yourself, but the worry is still evident in his features. Your mother’s screeching from downstairs for the both of you to get out of the house and go to school. He nods to you slightly before putting his backpack over one shoulder. When he’s at the door he turns back, smiling softly at you.
“Don’t worry kid, I got you covered.”
Force your face into a poor rendition of a smile, trying to get your lips to curve, but it seems so unnatural to you. As soon as he’s out the door, you allow it to meld away, your hands going up to grip through your hair. You know that Craig will only let you get away with not going to school for maybe the first few days and after that, he’ll simply force you.
He doesn’t understand though, you can’t go there. You can’t see Tony or Matt ever again, if you do, you’ll collapse on the spot from some kind of medical condition that you’re sure you’ve contracted somehow. No…you can’t go back, not ever. It doesn’t matter that you’ll probably never finish your education now, because you know without going to school again that’s kind of impossible.
And you never knew that angels could ever cause so much anguish and pain. In your eyes, he might always be one; you wish you could change that kind of perception you have of him. You’ve told yourself over and over again; countless times that he’s the opposite, the devil perhaps. But no matter how many times you repeat it…your mind can’t grasp it and you’re still left thinking of him, wondering about if he really meant everything.
Find yourself unable to lock these memories away and you need out, before you spontaneously combust from all of the pressure you feel you’ve put yourself under. Stumble up, head still seeing Tony in flashes, and enter the bathroom in the hallway, looking for anything. You need an escape right now and everybody says that the only way to do that is by…hurting yourself.
You don’t know about any of this, don’t know which way you’re supposed to press the razor down, but if it will help you, you’re willing to try. Tremble as you rest the blade against your skin, not moving it yet, your stomach’s a mess and you feel stupid for doing this. Remember about the promise you made to Craig, causing you to hesitate further, but you’re not going to go that far. You know you aren’t…or maybe you’re just trying to convince yourself that you won’t.
“It’s not my fault,” you whisper beneath your breath, resting the blade once again against your pale skin. “I…I just need to get out, away. I don’t want these thoughts anymore.”
You’re aware of the fact that you’re talking to yourself, but it’s minor only. It doesn’t faze you anymore like it would have done just a few days ago. Put pressure down slowly on the blade, feeling it finally cut into your wrist, resist from indulging with the scream of pain that calls to you.
Take in a shuddering breath and think that maybe it’s not an instant recovery kind of thing. Get ready to start moving the blade when the phone starts to ring, startling you and causing goose bumps to cover your arms. Drop the razor into the sink and stumble out of the bathroom towards the phone.
There’s a sickening hope that bubbles in your chest that maybe it’s Tony. Slap yourself mentally for even thinking about that and shakily pick up the phone. Bite down on your lip again before speaking.
“H-Hello?” Maybe it’s Tony and he’s going to apologize. But no, that’s not what you want, you can’t want that. Convince yourself it isn’t while waiting for the person on the other line to reply.
“Hey, Jesse right? It’s John, we met the other day.” Feel your heart beat slow down, not sure if that’s the response you want from your body. From the way he’s acting, it’s like nothing happened. Like he didn’t see you in all your naked glory, after you had been violated and raped. Like he didn’t hear the way you couldn’t breathe because all of your crying was choking you up.
“Yeah.” You wish that you didn’t sound so curt and short, because he didn’t do anything except help you. It can’t be helped though, since talking isn’t one of your biggest hobbies…even with him.
“Craig said you weren’t coming to school today so I figured I’d call you up, see if you remembered me at all. I have a free period anyway, time to waste, you know how it goes.”
He sounds almost nervous, like he gave himself a pep talk before talking to you. You don’t know why he would do that though, it’s not like he needs to; you’re only Jesse. Oh but he’s a friend of Craig’s, so he probably thinks you’re just like Craig and he needs to live up to some sort of standards. Except, you don’t have standards.
“Oh…I know you. You’re in my English class. Mrs. Lewinski usually reads out some of your work.” You want to add that you think he’s really talented and that he should become some sort of writer, but you don’t. Feel your heartbeat continue to slow down and find yourself breathing more easily. He’s like a depressant you realize and right now…you need that.
“I really wish she wouldn’t read my stuff…or anybody else’s cause like she ends up giving the people in the first row a spit bath.”
You find yourself smirking a little at his comment because it is true and you’re remembering how you used to see him bringing a towel to English classes. It’s all starting to make sense and you would be making ‘awwing’ sounds, except he’s still on the other line.
“So that’s why you keep on trying to get her to move you huh?” Seating arrangements…Tony sits next to you in Chemistry. It feels like your heart just lurched into your esophagus; that can’t be healthy.
“That’s why the whole front row is trying to move.” There’s a light touch to his tone and you’re pretty sure that if you were looking at him right now, his lips would be curving at the sides just like they were doing last night.
“I guess you should’ve just sat next to me in the beginning of the year huh? I sit in the back…” You’re not really sure why you just said that. Maybe John can take your seat, it’s not like you’re really planning on going back anyway.
He laughs and you find yourself smiling softly without knowing why, and thinking maybe Craig was right.
“Yeah maybe, I’ll sit beside you next year then. I don’t think Mrs. L will even let us move anymore…”
You hear the sound of a bell going off in the background, no doubt the school’s. Wait for him to tell you he has to go since class will be starting for him soon. And sure enough…
“Shit, I gotta go. We should hang out later though.” His voice is speeding up and that could either be because of two reasons. One, he’s rushing to get to class or two, he’s nervous. It’s probably the first one though, there’s no reason for him to be nervous.
You nod, realize you’re on the phone, feel stupid again and then reply smoothly. “Yeah, you better go…someone might take your seat in English.”
“Is that supposed to be a bad thing? Ugh, I’ll…call you later, bye.” With that he hangs up and slowly you replace the phone back on its hook. Look down at your wrist, watching the blood pool at the slight indentation at the once perfect skin. Sigh heavily, thinking once more of the one single cause of all this.
When you were talking to John it seemed like you were able to forget about it, or just stick it away in the back of your mind, along with other memories that weren’t important enough to think about.
And maybe you should call John again.
Pairing: Tony/Jesse, John/Jesse
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not real
Dedication: boysandbruises because just yes. Don'tmakeJessedoanythingstupidormean.
Notes: This will probably be the last update between now and two weeks from now. Sooo, you should all review and make me happy. Other chapters on my LJ by the way.
Ch. 14 -
When you wake up the next morning, you’re wondering if it was all a dream. Well, not a dream, but a nightmare; something untrue and unreal, just one huge gimmick that your brain’s played on you.
But your body still tingles with a slight ache and Craig is looking over you gingerly, as if you’re going to break at any moment. What he doesn’t get is that you’re already broken.
“Jess, get up...school…” he tries, his voice soft and low. He’s using his special voice on you, the one he usually uses to get Cody to listen.
Shake your head at him, pulling the blankets back up to your chest again. There’s no way you’re going back there…he might be there. Shudder and bring your hands around your torso to give yourself a makeshift hug almost. Close your eyes again, snugly; wishing you could fall back into the dark abyss that sleep provided.
It’s impossible though and you can imagine Tony’s past words and actions…they’re all replaying in your head again like some kind of horrible tape and you can’t find the stop button.
Hear Craig sigh and come to sit next to you, his hand going out to awkwardly pat you.
“You gotta try to let this pass Jesse…that’s the only way.”
Shake your head once more and try to glare at him, but end up feeling the pinpricks of tears starting to eat away at you.
Cough and mumble out, your voice still scratchy to your ears. “What if…I don’t want to get over this?”
Craig opens his mouth and for a second he looks like a dying fish, trying to gulp in a breath of life. You should know, you feel like that fish all the time, except that nobody’s there to put you back into the water. Nobody to give you the assurance that there is a reason for you to exist. You’re just taking up perfectly good living space, maybe you needed Tony and Matt to do this to you; to remind you.
Speak quickly, the words coming out harshly, not allowing Craig to interrupt you yet. “What if I can’t get over this?”
There’s a long pause and you know that Craig is debating the fact. There’s already a large portion of him that knows that you’re right and that scares him. You know it does. Feel his hands go to grasp at your worn shirt, the material rubbing together beneath his fingertips.
“You…you have to Jess. I can’t, no…you have to.” His words are in whispers, pleading and tired.
Stare at him, wishing you could comfort him in some way, but you can’t even help yourself.
“I can’t…I don’t know how.”
It’s the truth and you hope that Craig can accept that, even though you know he can’t. And you don’t know what to do with yourself anymore…everybody around you will end up destroying themselves because of you. You’re like a contagious disease sent down to poison and kill everybody you love.
“That doesn’t matter, you have to try. Please?”
Perfect evidence of what you just said. His voice is trembling, you can hear it begin to break and you wish that Craig could just forget about you. If he did…it would make his life so much easier, if only he could realize that. Tony did and it probably was the best thing that ever happened to him.
“Not today…”
You feel like adding ‘not ever’ to that statement, but that would just upset Craig even more than he already is. The aim of this is to get him to understand and not make him feel even worse than he already does.
He forces you into a sitting position, not listening to you when you tell him to stop. This alone reminds you of Tony…and how he wouldn’t stop. Bite into the fleshy, swollen part of your lip, facing Craig.
“You have to promise me Jesse that if I leave you here alone…you won’t do anything…stupid.”
His own blue eyes are chocking with desperation now and his grip on your hand is tightening, clinging onto you, begging you. And you’ll promise him that you won’t because it’ll make him feel better. You want to tell him to just let go of you and ask him if he’s going to make you promise everyday. He can’t always be there to protect you and you both know that.
Close your eyes, unwilling to see the way that tears are starting to gather in his eyes. You want to believe they’re only crocodile tears, you truly do. Maybe if they were, it wouldn’t be so hard and the guilty side of you would stop acting up. It’s not like you’ve even done anything yet so why should you feel like you’re betraying him.
“I won’t Craig,” you tell him, unable to make your words come out as strong as you want them to be. They were meant to reassure him, but the desperation is still split across his face so you’re pretty sure that it didn’t work.
“No…you have to promise me.”
He needs it you realize. He needs to hear that you won’t do something stupid to yourself…that you won’t kill yourself. It’s blunt and harsh to think about, but that’s the reality of it. Your older, star-of-everything, brother is asking…no begging you to not kill yourself. And maybe Tony wasn’t Amy all over again, but you’re turning out to become your father, at the rate you’re going.
Look Craig right in the eye, knowing that you can’t go back from this anymore, because it leaves no room for any doubt that you could use in your defense.
“I promise.”
He nods and tries to shrug it off like he knew you weren’t going to do anything to yourself, but the worry is still evident in his features. Your mother’s screeching from downstairs for the both of you to get out of the house and go to school. He nods to you slightly before putting his backpack over one shoulder. When he’s at the door he turns back, smiling softly at you.
“Don’t worry kid, I got you covered.”
Force your face into a poor rendition of a smile, trying to get your lips to curve, but it seems so unnatural to you. As soon as he’s out the door, you allow it to meld away, your hands going up to grip through your hair. You know that Craig will only let you get away with not going to school for maybe the first few days and after that, he’ll simply force you.
He doesn’t understand though, you can’t go there. You can’t see Tony or Matt ever again, if you do, you’ll collapse on the spot from some kind of medical condition that you’re sure you’ve contracted somehow. No…you can’t go back, not ever. It doesn’t matter that you’ll probably never finish your education now, because you know without going to school again that’s kind of impossible.
And you never knew that angels could ever cause so much anguish and pain. In your eyes, he might always be one; you wish you could change that kind of perception you have of him. You’ve told yourself over and over again; countless times that he’s the opposite, the devil perhaps. But no matter how many times you repeat it…your mind can’t grasp it and you’re still left thinking of him, wondering about if he really meant everything.
Find yourself unable to lock these memories away and you need out, before you spontaneously combust from all of the pressure you feel you’ve put yourself under. Stumble up, head still seeing Tony in flashes, and enter the bathroom in the hallway, looking for anything. You need an escape right now and everybody says that the only way to do that is by…hurting yourself.
You don’t know about any of this, don’t know which way you’re supposed to press the razor down, but if it will help you, you’re willing to try. Tremble as you rest the blade against your skin, not moving it yet, your stomach’s a mess and you feel stupid for doing this. Remember about the promise you made to Craig, causing you to hesitate further, but you’re not going to go that far. You know you aren’t…or maybe you’re just trying to convince yourself that you won’t.
“It’s not my fault,” you whisper beneath your breath, resting the blade once again against your pale skin. “I…I just need to get out, away. I don’t want these thoughts anymore.”
You’re aware of the fact that you’re talking to yourself, but it’s minor only. It doesn’t faze you anymore like it would have done just a few days ago. Put pressure down slowly on the blade, feeling it finally cut into your wrist, resist from indulging with the scream of pain that calls to you.
Take in a shuddering breath and think that maybe it’s not an instant recovery kind of thing. Get ready to start moving the blade when the phone starts to ring, startling you and causing goose bumps to cover your arms. Drop the razor into the sink and stumble out of the bathroom towards the phone.
There’s a sickening hope that bubbles in your chest that maybe it’s Tony. Slap yourself mentally for even thinking about that and shakily pick up the phone. Bite down on your lip again before speaking.
“H-Hello?” Maybe it’s Tony and he’s going to apologize. But no, that’s not what you want, you can’t want that. Convince yourself it isn’t while waiting for the person on the other line to reply.
“Hey, Jesse right? It’s John, we met the other day.” Feel your heart beat slow down, not sure if that’s the response you want from your body. From the way he’s acting, it’s like nothing happened. Like he didn’t see you in all your naked glory, after you had been violated and raped. Like he didn’t hear the way you couldn’t breathe because all of your crying was choking you up.
“Yeah.” You wish that you didn’t sound so curt and short, because he didn’t do anything except help you. It can’t be helped though, since talking isn’t one of your biggest hobbies…even with him.
“Craig said you weren’t coming to school today so I figured I’d call you up, see if you remembered me at all. I have a free period anyway, time to waste, you know how it goes.”
He sounds almost nervous, like he gave himself a pep talk before talking to you. You don’t know why he would do that though, it’s not like he needs to; you’re only Jesse. Oh but he’s a friend of Craig’s, so he probably thinks you’re just like Craig and he needs to live up to some sort of standards. Except, you don’t have standards.
“Oh…I know you. You’re in my English class. Mrs. Lewinski usually reads out some of your work.” You want to add that you think he’s really talented and that he should become some sort of writer, but you don’t. Feel your heartbeat continue to slow down and find yourself breathing more easily. He’s like a depressant you realize and right now…you need that.
“I really wish she wouldn’t read my stuff…or anybody else’s cause like she ends up giving the people in the first row a spit bath.”
You find yourself smirking a little at his comment because it is true and you’re remembering how you used to see him bringing a towel to English classes. It’s all starting to make sense and you would be making ‘awwing’ sounds, except he’s still on the other line.
“So that’s why you keep on trying to get her to move you huh?” Seating arrangements…Tony sits next to you in Chemistry. It feels like your heart just lurched into your esophagus; that can’t be healthy.
“That’s why the whole front row is trying to move.” There’s a light touch to his tone and you’re pretty sure that if you were looking at him right now, his lips would be curving at the sides just like they were doing last night.
“I guess you should’ve just sat next to me in the beginning of the year huh? I sit in the back…” You’re not really sure why you just said that. Maybe John can take your seat, it’s not like you’re really planning on going back anyway.
He laughs and you find yourself smiling softly without knowing why, and thinking maybe Craig was right.
“Yeah maybe, I’ll sit beside you next year then. I don’t think Mrs. L will even let us move anymore…”
You hear the sound of a bell going off in the background, no doubt the school’s. Wait for him to tell you he has to go since class will be starting for him soon. And sure enough…
“Shit, I gotta go. We should hang out later though.” His voice is speeding up and that could either be because of two reasons. One, he’s rushing to get to class or two, he’s nervous. It’s probably the first one though, there’s no reason for him to be nervous.
You nod, realize you’re on the phone, feel stupid again and then reply smoothly. “Yeah, you better go…someone might take your seat in English.”
“Is that supposed to be a bad thing? Ugh, I’ll…call you later, bye.” With that he hangs up and slowly you replace the phone back on its hook. Look down at your wrist, watching the blood pool at the slight indentation at the once perfect skin. Sigh heavily, thinking once more of the one single cause of all this.
When you were talking to John it seemed like you were able to forget about it, or just stick it away in the back of your mind, along with other memories that weren’t important enough to think about.
And maybe you should call John again.