weird snape theories...
The True Snape is dead!
Reign Chaos and Disorder!
*ahem* Okay...well maybe not...
Snape is dead. He was killed as a Death Eater. DD made use of his dead body through polyjuice and Snape is really Dumbledore's estranged grand daughter who is really Voldemort's wife. Since Snape was killed, she's been very bitter because non of the cool guys would date her, namely Sirius and Lupin, and she's depressed, because she once kissed Snape. Her name is Florence.
She spied at great personal risk because Voldemort loved her - but she had an affair with Snape - Voldemort found out - BUT did not know it was Snape! Snape was killed by Dumbledore's hand - in self defense, and in his dying breath (yes terribly romantic stuff here) Snape asked her to use his body (they never had sex) and kick Voldemort's arse to protect her from Voldie's wrath. Before he died, he taught her lots of spells and she was particular interested in Potions and the Defense. Florence fakes her death to get more protection from Voldie who vowed to kill her.
About a year after Snape was killed, Snape is THE missing dead death eater - Voldemort thinks that the man she had an affair with was really James Potter. Voldemort doesn't know that Snape is dead. They have a kid, and he suddenly thinks! OMG - that's the man who my wife had an affair with and that should have been my kid! So he kills James and wants to kill Harry. He leaves Lily for the moment, cos she just isn't important. But then Lily gets all protective and so he kills her for being a public nuisance. Voldemort does this all secretive because he doesn't want to seem like this Romantic Hero.
Florence is there in the background, wand posed, ready to Avada Kedavra him, and they both do it at the same time - Voldie not knowing Florence is there - and the spell backfires. So Florence flees to DD who said he'd help her - and due to her cleverness (she's a natural Ravenclaw) - she takes up the Potions Post. DD is very protective of her, because he feels guilty for killing Snape. That's why he vouched for her and stopped her from being thrown into Azkaban. She pretends that she's Snape because she faked her own death and it's a well publicised murder. Also, DD doesn't want it to be known that he was the one who killed Snape.
Florence is the one who left Voldemort forever and Snape is the missing Dead Death Eater. Alas! It works!
Other Clues:
Snape's hair has been shoulder length for all 4 books. It needs to grow
He doesn't seem to be ageing and he's thin even though he lives at Hogwarts where there's lots of food.
Mwa ha ha ha...Loony Snape Theory! =D He likes to keep his hair long and keep thin. He must be a woman!
comments anyone?