Happy Holidays, mangy_mongrel!
Title: "Dear Adam"
Gift for: mangy_mongrel
Author: Anom Anonimu A secret! ;)
Rating: A nice and innocent G
Summary: Adam has an advice column, and various Good Omens characters write in to ask for advice (handwritten-notes included!). Includes Aziraphale/Crowley, the Them (Brian/Wensleydale), the Horsemen (slight Famine/Pollution), "cheese, the edible kind", and more!
Author's notes/warnings: This fic has no plot. Also -- Large amount of images behind the cut. I seriously apologize if you have dial-up, mangy_mongrel. :(
The short but carefully printed note was posted (with permission) on a dingy wall in the Lower Tadfield post office. Below the note sat an old shoebox with a slot cut into the lid. It was a seemingly harmless box at first glance, but if, by chance, anybody besides Adam tried to pry it open, it would twist and fall in a series of shockingly acrobatic moves1, send up dust clouds that gave the person coughing fits, inexplicably slip from their grasp, and basically resist all their attempts.
At first thought, most people would accuse Adam of going slightly mad. Why would the Adversary, Destroyer of Worlds, Prince of Darkness, (&c., &c.) be running an advice column, of all things?
As with most things, he had his reasons for this display of 'Dear Abby' prowess. It was because he had finally become exasperated with the state of affairs among his friends (and others, who should possibly be considered 'acquaintances' rather than friends), and was also fully aware of the fact that sooner or later, anyone who needed his help would read the sign and leave a message. Whether they really wanted to or not.
Throughout the course of the month, various notes arrived. Only one of them had an actual signature, but all of them were so glaringly obvious (though they obviously tried not to be) that Adam simply smiled, shook his head knowingly, and wrote back with the proper advice. Of course, a few of the notes were from various townsfolk, but the notes that interested Adam the most read as such, in no particular order:
1Shocking for a non-animated object, that is.
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Excerpt from a news article:
Yahoo: Odd News
Man in Miami, Florida claims to have had a near-death experience.
MIAMI, Florida (AP) -- Larry Jonathan Andrew Juurmawm of Miami, Florida finally concluded his two-week stay at Jackson Memorial Hospital last Thursday. Juurmawm, age 35, was in the hospital because of a near-fatal collision on 1-75. When he awoke from unconsciousness, he claimed that he had had a near-death experience involving, oddly enough, a personification of death itself.
"Yeah, man. It was like ... I was walking towards a bright light, all peaceful and stuff. And then this figure in a hooded robe suddenly appeared before me and was all like the Grim Reaper, you know? And then he says something that sounded vaguely like 'So that's what it tastes like.', but it could've been ... I don't know, 'So that's what paste is like'. But it was all ominous-like, so I really have no clue. You know?" was his description of the event. After this occurred, he woke from his coma and recovered fairly quickly from his injuries.
Juurmawm attempted to consult occult experts on this, but according to him "They're interested in near-death experiences that only include the bright lights and stuff. But I'm being serious, man."
End.
Gift for: mangy_mongrel
Author: Anom Anonimu A secret! ;)
Rating: A nice and innocent G
Summary: Adam has an advice column, and various Good Omens characters write in to ask for advice (handwritten-notes included!). Includes Aziraphale/Crowley, the Them (Brian/Wensleydale), the Horsemen (slight Famine/Pollution), "cheese, the edible kind", and more!
Author's notes/warnings: This fic has no plot. Also -- Large amount of images behind the cut. I seriously apologize if you have dial-up, mangy_mongrel. :(
The short but carefully printed note was posted (with permission) on a dingy wall in the Lower Tadfield post office. Below the note sat an old shoebox with a slot cut into the lid. It was a seemingly harmless box at first glance, but if, by chance, anybody besides Adam tried to pry it open, it would twist and fall in a series of shockingly acrobatic moves1, send up dust clouds that gave the person coughing fits, inexplicably slip from their grasp, and basically resist all their attempts.
At first thought, most people would accuse Adam of going slightly mad. Why would the Adversary, Destroyer of Worlds, Prince of Darkness, (&c., &c.) be running an advice column, of all things?
As with most things, he had his reasons for this display of 'Dear Abby' prowess. It was because he had finally become exasperated with the state of affairs among his friends (and others, who should possibly be considered 'acquaintances' rather than friends), and was also fully aware of the fact that sooner or later, anyone who needed his help would read the sign and leave a message. Whether they really wanted to or not.
Throughout the course of the month, various notes arrived. Only one of them had an actual signature, but all of them were so glaringly obvious (though they obviously tried not to be) that Adam simply smiled, shook his head knowingly, and wrote back with the proper advice. Of course, a few of the notes were from various townsfolk, but the notes that interested Adam the most read as such, in no particular order:
1Shocking for a non-animated object, that is.
Text version here.
Text version here.
Text version here.
Text version here.
Text version here.
Text version here.
Text version here.
Text version here.
Text version here.
Text version here.
Text version here.
Text version here.
Excerpt from a news article:
Yahoo: Odd News
Man in Miami, Florida claims to have had a near-death experience.
MIAMI, Florida (AP) -- Larry Jonathan Andrew Juurmawm of Miami, Florida finally concluded his two-week stay at Jackson Memorial Hospital last Thursday. Juurmawm, age 35, was in the hospital because of a near-fatal collision on 1-75. When he awoke from unconsciousness, he claimed that he had had a near-death experience involving, oddly enough, a personification of death itself.
"Yeah, man. It was like ... I was walking towards a bright light, all peaceful and stuff. And then this figure in a hooded robe suddenly appeared before me and was all like the Grim Reaper, you know? And then he says something that sounded vaguely like 'So that's what it tastes like.', but it could've been ... I don't know, 'So that's what paste is like'. But it was all ominous-like, so I really have no clue. You know?" was his description of the event. After this occurred, he woke from his coma and recovered fairly quickly from his injuries.
Juurmawm attempted to consult occult experts on this, but according to him "They're interested in near-death experiences that only include the bright lights and stuff. But I'm being serious, man."
End.