this post has a lot of things in it.
I've been waffling about this for a while, but I think it's time. So: conana and I have decided that we'd like to have a public commitment ceremony/celebration of our partnership.
Note that the word 'marriage' didn't appear anywhere in that sentence; i think the most concise term i've made up thus far is '!married' (pronounced 'not-married'), though 'committed' also works. This is your first hint (if for some reason you've never met either of us. Why are you here?) that we're not doing this up old-school. Why aren't we getting married? For myself, I've never felt that it's something I should do; I have grave doubts about my ability to function well in a marriage, given my distinct lack of useful role models. I don't have a religion or a cultural tradition that mandates such a thing to mark this sort of life milestone, and I see no reason to drag the government into my personal life. But I do want to stand up in front of what friends and family I still have, and tell them how awesome my Love is and ask them to acknowledge and support our partnership as we make a life together. [Note: generally, posts on this topic will be run by conana first, to avoid confusion, but if you want to know what he thinks, go read his journal. I prefer not to speak for him, and his answers are sometimes different from mine.]
So, now that we've tossed out all the scripts, we have to write our own. I'm hoping to use this space as a sandbox while I write vows, hack out some symbolism, deal with the logistics of the day, reflect on whats and whys, etc. etc. I'm torn between making it all public (for easy reference and potential help to others) or, on the other end, making a filter (b/c it might bother some of you?); please comment as to your preference. You've been warned.
What we've decided so far, generally in the theme of DIY and as little extravagance as possible:
- a date! May 31, the weekend between finals and Commencement.
- a location? Somewhere outside, in a park, perhaps under a tree.
- a reception? Well, homecooked food after the ceremony for everyone there, a quiet dinner out with the families (maybe the day before? things be hectic.), and a rockin party at our house late into the night for the younger crowd. Probably. We'll see.
- oh hey, what about family? The jury's still out on mine; this isn't actually why I'm going home for Christmas, but I think I've decided to tell my mom and give her one last chance to do the right thing(s). I don't actually anticipate most of my extended will show, but some of my more mobile cousins might, for the novelty. I'm only really set on my dad being there, he's pretty neat. conana's has been quite lovely about everything so far, which helps. (srsly, Thanksgiving was one long exercise in meeting the extended family.)
- as hinted above, this will be neither a religious nor a legal wedding (another good reason not to use 'marriage'.) So far the ceremony involves just the two of us talking; it may incorporate a couple of small cousins who are apparently quite excited about this, but we're hoping to keep it concise and simple.
- no, I don't have/probably will not get a Ring. I already have two, don't really have room for more. We're looking into alternate/more practical forms of symbolism.
Ok, that's an infodump. A lot of it is open to change, though we're pretty set on the date; we wanted to tell people before winter holidays, b/c some folks plan summer vacations with family way in advance, and we really do want people to be able to come, if they want to. Sometime in January I'm going to hack together a website (a wiki?) where we can start posting all the details and explanatory bits; I'd like to include an FAQ there, with good answers to the obvious questions. This entry is the first iteration, but clearly needs more elaboration and polish. So: ask me/us some questions! As many as you like, even ones you may not need answered but you think other people might. (We already know we need to come up with something useful for 'how did you meet?') What are your expectations of weddings, and how would you modify them for a !wedding? Do you have any advice on making this happen, or offers to help? (I already know cooking all the food is going to be a stresspit.)
Future entries may cover: omg what to wear (aka, anyone know any queer/trans-friendly tailors around here?), news on my mom's insanity or lack thereof, and reports on park and outdoor spaces that fit our needs. Stay tuned :)
Note that the word 'marriage' didn't appear anywhere in that sentence; i think the most concise term i've made up thus far is '!married' (pronounced 'not-married'), though 'committed' also works. This is your first hint (if for some reason you've never met either of us. Why are you here?) that we're not doing this up old-school. Why aren't we getting married? For myself, I've never felt that it's something I should do; I have grave doubts about my ability to function well in a marriage, given my distinct lack of useful role models. I don't have a religion or a cultural tradition that mandates such a thing to mark this sort of life milestone, and I see no reason to drag the government into my personal life. But I do want to stand up in front of what friends and family I still have, and tell them how awesome my Love is and ask them to acknowledge and support our partnership as we make a life together. [Note: generally, posts on this topic will be run by conana first, to avoid confusion, but if you want to know what he thinks, go read his journal. I prefer not to speak for him, and his answers are sometimes different from mine.]
So, now that we've tossed out all the scripts, we have to write our own. I'm hoping to use this space as a sandbox while I write vows, hack out some symbolism, deal with the logistics of the day, reflect on whats and whys, etc. etc. I'm torn between making it all public (for easy reference and potential help to others) or, on the other end, making a filter (b/c it might bother some of you?); please comment as to your preference. You've been warned.
What we've decided so far, generally in the theme of DIY and as little extravagance as possible:
- a date! May 31, the weekend between finals and Commencement.
- a location? Somewhere outside, in a park, perhaps under a tree.
- a reception? Well, homecooked food after the ceremony for everyone there, a quiet dinner out with the families (maybe the day before? things be hectic.), and a rockin party at our house late into the night for the younger crowd. Probably. We'll see.
- oh hey, what about family? The jury's still out on mine; this isn't actually why I'm going home for Christmas, but I think I've decided to tell my mom and give her one last chance to do the right thing(s). I don't actually anticipate most of my extended will show, but some of my more mobile cousins might, for the novelty. I'm only really set on my dad being there, he's pretty neat. conana's has been quite lovely about everything so far, which helps. (srsly, Thanksgiving was one long exercise in meeting the extended family.)
- as hinted above, this will be neither a religious nor a legal wedding (another good reason not to use 'marriage'.) So far the ceremony involves just the two of us talking; it may incorporate a couple of small cousins who are apparently quite excited about this, but we're hoping to keep it concise and simple.
- no, I don't have/probably will not get a Ring. I already have two, don't really have room for more. We're looking into alternate/more practical forms of symbolism.
Ok, that's an infodump. A lot of it is open to change, though we're pretty set on the date; we wanted to tell people before winter holidays, b/c some folks plan summer vacations with family way in advance, and we really do want people to be able to come, if they want to. Sometime in January I'm going to hack together a website (a wiki?) where we can start posting all the details and explanatory bits; I'd like to include an FAQ there, with good answers to the obvious questions. This entry is the first iteration, but clearly needs more elaboration and polish. So: ask me/us some questions! As many as you like, even ones you may not need answered but you think other people might. (We already know we need to come up with something useful for 'how did you meet?') What are your expectations of weddings, and how would you modify them for a !wedding? Do you have any advice on making this happen, or offers to help? (I already know cooking all the food is going to be a stresspit.)
Future entries may cover: omg what to wear (aka, anyone know any queer/trans-friendly tailors around here?), news on my mom's insanity or lack thereof, and reports on park and outdoor spaces that fit our needs. Stay tuned :)