In which I do a whole lot of venting and ranting and bitching and crying. Lots and lots of crying.
Guys,
I am hurting so, so bad right now. I feel betrayed and humiliated and... I don't know. I really don't know how I feel right now, except that I don't want to see my husband for a while.
and it seems like such a stupid, stupid thing to be so mad about. It's not like he dropped my dog off on a lonely country road, or cheated on me, or beat one of the kids or anything like that. It's not that bad, really. I think it's just a ... last straw? kind of thing.
I don't tend to talk about the little problems in my marriage, with anyone but my husband for the most part. All relationships have their ups and downs, right? Everyone messes up sometimes. I don't want to ever bad mouth him and then have the other people in my life get all mad at him and then things get better and then they're still mad, but we're good, that kind of thing.
I'm sorry, I'm probably not making much sense.
So, we went on vacation, it was perfect. It was everything I'd hoped for from vacation.
When we got back (at 4 am), we arrived to find the driveway blocked off, because the neighbor that we share a driveway with had decided to reseal it. Annoying, but okay, whatever. Also, it's illegal to park on the street, so we had to angle the bigass rental van up onto our yard, but again, whatever. Then when the sun came up and we saw the back yard, I got really mad. She had taken it upon herself to rearrange our belongings, cut down some (admittedly overgrown) plants, etc. I was furious and hurt, felt like my space had been violated, but was keeping my cool. Now, because we hadn't known (HA!) that this was going to happen, we hadn't moved our vehicles, etc, so the whole thing couldn't be finished. I started cleaning up that area of the driveway, and got further miffed when she came out and announced that WE were going to finish this project that she had started without even asking (HA!), but again, kept my cool, said of course we'd be glad to help finish it, blah blah blah. I spent several hours doing really intense work that ended up putting me in a literally screaming amount of pain. I'm serious, I was crying and sobbing while trying to do dishes (because that shit still needed to be done, too) while standing on legs that were literally trying to move themselves in self opposing directions, if that makes any sense. It hurt, so, so bad. Then, to top it all off, yesterday I got a "bill" in the mail from her for "our half" of the cost. She said that my husband had agreed to pay half, which I didn't doubt, but I thought this was in a conversation that they had had AFTER we got back from vacation, since we do have a tendency to bump into her a lot, and he had mentioned that they had talked about when the driveway would get finished, blah blah blah.
So, I typed up a polite but firm letter to put with the check to cover our half of supplies, that stated very nicely that we expect in the future to be given advance notice of things like this so we can buget, and prepare, and blah blah blah. I emailed a copy to my husband to have him read it through (just seemed polite to get his take on it since I was using a whole shit ton of "us", "our", "we", and was going to put his name with mine at that bottom. solidarity and all that HA!) Gathered my courage (I don't like confrontation, I really don't. I'm good at it, but I have to really psych myself up for it), and went over to have a polite but firm chat about respecting boundaries and blah blah blah.
Guys. She had talked to him in advance. Well in advance. She told him it needed to be done, he agreed (hell, I agree, it was due). She offered to get it taken care of, keep an eye out for a good stretch of weather, etc. He agreed.
She, this lady I was so mad at, did EVERYTHING she should have. She handled it PERFECTLY.
He never told me. Not only did he NOT tell me when they had the conversation (which he should have, so I could do all that prep stuff), when I was getting all pissy about her just "taking it on herself" to do this without letting us know or anything, he didn't say anything THEN either. Even when I sent him this letter to read through before I took it over to her, he didn't say anything THEN. So I went over and embarrassed and humiliated myself, interrupted what looked to be a very peaceful and quiet evening to scold a lady who had done NOTHING wrong.
so I did something tonight I've never done before. I told him that I was sleeping elsewhere and he was not to come kiss me goodnight,or anything.
it's not that I've never slept elsewhere, sometimes when the pain is really bad, I'll sleep in my Mom's room, or in my recliner, because I just can't make it up the stairs, or so that I don't wake him up when I startle myself awake by moving just wrong. But, he always comes in to give me a kiss, make sure I'm covered up and warm enough, whatever.
I told him not to do that. I told him that I was trying so very hard to not say things to him tonight that I'd regret in the morning.
I wanted to yell at him that I want a divorce. I've always said that I would never, ever threaten that unless I mean it 100%.
but honestly, guys, that thought has been popping into my head more and more.
It started, I guess, with that night we were at my company christmas party, and those guys were harrassing me, and he did nothing. I felt so abandoned. It's not like I expected him to "come to my rescue" or anything, but damn it when your partner is surrounded by hostile forces, you go in and help out. I'd do it for him.
There's been a few times, guys, I'm rather ashamed to admit, that he crossed certain sexual boundaries that I had set up. I'm not going to go into detail, it's not that dramatic or anything, but he knows my history, he knows why certain things are off limits, and still, he crossed that line.
Less and less he's been doing the little things that show that he loves me. More and more, I've been asking specificaly for him to perform certain small tasks (like, please wash the dishes, or please empty the yard waste bin, please fucking dress the kids appropriately for school), and he's been not doing it. In our most recent discussion about the kids needing to be dressed in clothes that actually fit (ie, Monkey should not be wearing Bubba's clothes, Bubba should not be trying to wear jeans that somehow slipped past me that are two sizes too small, etch) and are weather appropriate (really? A long sleeve flannal shirt in July? really?), he actually told me that if I wanted the kids dressed right, i shoudl lay out clothes for them the night before. I've done that on occasion, when it suited me, or when there was a particular set of clothes they needed for some reason, but really? He gets dressed everyday, in clothes that fit and are weather appropriat, I know he knows how to do this.
I can't do everyting by myself. I can't handle cleaning up after five people, a dog and a cat, doing the yard work, working 40 or more hours a week, helping out my mom with stuff, helping out my grandma with stuff. you'd think that if I left him, I'd have more work to do, since I would have to do it all myself, but I sat down one day and really took a good hard look at the way things work around here, and I'd have SO. MUCH. LESS work to do around here if I left him. well, not around HERE, I'd rent a place with the kids. This place would have to be sold, which makes me sad.
So, the pros:
1- I'd have less work to do
2- I'd know which tasks would fall to me (everything), as opposed to hoping tht he'd actually get some shit done that isn't a video game. I'd know that I really don't have a partner to rely on.
3- I'd stop hoping for some sign of affection, and feeling like crap when I'm ignored for the two days a week I see him, while he plays video games.
4- I'd schedule some of the physical needs things that I need, like a regular massage. he talked me out of scheduling a regular appt for therapuetic massage because he could give me a rub down. And dudes, his rubdowns feel so, so good. But... it's been months since I've gotten even my feet and legs rubbed, much less my back and arms. I need that. I feel so much better after a massage, like my muscles don't want to kill me. I keep holding off on starting that, because I keep hoping that he'll come back to doing it.
5- Sadly, I think Bubba would be happier. Don't get me wrong, he loves his Daddy, and his Daddy does love him, but he neglects him. He doesn't know what to do with him, he is irritated by him and his oddities. He's not mean, but he's not great with him, either.
6- I'd sleep better in my own bed, without the slight nagging discomfort that I don't really know if I can actually trust him to respect my boundaries.
The cons:
1- dude. Divorce. it just sounds so... scary. So alone. and I do love him. and he's one of my best friends, even now. We can still laugh together, still hang out and enjoy each other's company. Divorce will destroy that, at least for a very long time.
2- this house isn't in any shape to be sold. So it'll be a while before that can happen anyway, and a lot of work.
3- it'll be hard on the kids. Really hard. Especialy for Monkey, who idolizes his father. We'd have to move, it'd uproot them.
yeah, that's all the cons I can think of at the moment. But I'm not feeling my most rational right now. I might think of more cons as the night progresses.. maybe not.
I don't know.
I think my first step is going to be getting myelf into counseling somehow, somewhere. I need someone objective to unpack all this shit to.
I need someone who doesn't see us as the perfect couple, because that's what so many people tell me all the time "your husband is so perfect, you guys are such a perfect couple" and it's starting to tear me up a little inside everytime I hear it. It fucking hurts, buecause it's getting further and further from the truth. And I used to feel that way, too.
I am hurting so, so bad right now. I feel betrayed and humiliated and... I don't know. I really don't know how I feel right now, except that I don't want to see my husband for a while.
and it seems like such a stupid, stupid thing to be so mad about. It's not like he dropped my dog off on a lonely country road, or cheated on me, or beat one of the kids or anything like that. It's not that bad, really. I think it's just a ... last straw? kind of thing.
I don't tend to talk about the little problems in my marriage, with anyone but my husband for the most part. All relationships have their ups and downs, right? Everyone messes up sometimes. I don't want to ever bad mouth him and then have the other people in my life get all mad at him and then things get better and then they're still mad, but we're good, that kind of thing.
I'm sorry, I'm probably not making much sense.
So, we went on vacation, it was perfect. It was everything I'd hoped for from vacation.
When we got back (at 4 am), we arrived to find the driveway blocked off, because the neighbor that we share a driveway with had decided to reseal it. Annoying, but okay, whatever. Also, it's illegal to park on the street, so we had to angle the bigass rental van up onto our yard, but again, whatever. Then when the sun came up and we saw the back yard, I got really mad. She had taken it upon herself to rearrange our belongings, cut down some (admittedly overgrown) plants, etc. I was furious and hurt, felt like my space had been violated, but was keeping my cool. Now, because we hadn't known (HA!) that this was going to happen, we hadn't moved our vehicles, etc, so the whole thing couldn't be finished. I started cleaning up that area of the driveway, and got further miffed when she came out and announced that WE were going to finish this project that she had started without even asking (HA!), but again, kept my cool, said of course we'd be glad to help finish it, blah blah blah. I spent several hours doing really intense work that ended up putting me in a literally screaming amount of pain. I'm serious, I was crying and sobbing while trying to do dishes (because that shit still needed to be done, too) while standing on legs that were literally trying to move themselves in self opposing directions, if that makes any sense. It hurt, so, so bad. Then, to top it all off, yesterday I got a "bill" in the mail from her for "our half" of the cost. She said that my husband had agreed to pay half, which I didn't doubt, but I thought this was in a conversation that they had had AFTER we got back from vacation, since we do have a tendency to bump into her a lot, and he had mentioned that they had talked about when the driveway would get finished, blah blah blah.
So, I typed up a polite but firm letter to put with the check to cover our half of supplies, that stated very nicely that we expect in the future to be given advance notice of things like this so we can buget, and prepare, and blah blah blah. I emailed a copy to my husband to have him read it through (just seemed polite to get his take on it since I was using a whole shit ton of "us", "our", "we", and was going to put his name with mine at that bottom. solidarity and all that HA!) Gathered my courage (I don't like confrontation, I really don't. I'm good at it, but I have to really psych myself up for it), and went over to have a polite but firm chat about respecting boundaries and blah blah blah.
Guys. She had talked to him in advance. Well in advance. She told him it needed to be done, he agreed (hell, I agree, it was due). She offered to get it taken care of, keep an eye out for a good stretch of weather, etc. He agreed.
She, this lady I was so mad at, did EVERYTHING she should have. She handled it PERFECTLY.
He never told me. Not only did he NOT tell me when they had the conversation (which he should have, so I could do all that prep stuff), when I was getting all pissy about her just "taking it on herself" to do this without letting us know or anything, he didn't say anything THEN either. Even when I sent him this letter to read through before I took it over to her, he didn't say anything THEN. So I went over and embarrassed and humiliated myself, interrupted what looked to be a very peaceful and quiet evening to scold a lady who had done NOTHING wrong.
so I did something tonight I've never done before. I told him that I was sleeping elsewhere and he was not to come kiss me goodnight,or anything.
it's not that I've never slept elsewhere, sometimes when the pain is really bad, I'll sleep in my Mom's room, or in my recliner, because I just can't make it up the stairs, or so that I don't wake him up when I startle myself awake by moving just wrong. But, he always comes in to give me a kiss, make sure I'm covered up and warm enough, whatever.
I told him not to do that. I told him that I was trying so very hard to not say things to him tonight that I'd regret in the morning.
I wanted to yell at him that I want a divorce. I've always said that I would never, ever threaten that unless I mean it 100%.
but honestly, guys, that thought has been popping into my head more and more.
It started, I guess, with that night we were at my company christmas party, and those guys were harrassing me, and he did nothing. I felt so abandoned. It's not like I expected him to "come to my rescue" or anything, but damn it when your partner is surrounded by hostile forces, you go in and help out. I'd do it for him.
There's been a few times, guys, I'm rather ashamed to admit, that he crossed certain sexual boundaries that I had set up. I'm not going to go into detail, it's not that dramatic or anything, but he knows my history, he knows why certain things are off limits, and still, he crossed that line.
Less and less he's been doing the little things that show that he loves me. More and more, I've been asking specificaly for him to perform certain small tasks (like, please wash the dishes, or please empty the yard waste bin, please fucking dress the kids appropriately for school), and he's been not doing it. In our most recent discussion about the kids needing to be dressed in clothes that actually fit (ie, Monkey should not be wearing Bubba's clothes, Bubba should not be trying to wear jeans that somehow slipped past me that are two sizes too small, etch) and are weather appropriate (really? A long sleeve flannal shirt in July? really?), he actually told me that if I wanted the kids dressed right, i shoudl lay out clothes for them the night before. I've done that on occasion, when it suited me, or when there was a particular set of clothes they needed for some reason, but really? He gets dressed everyday, in clothes that fit and are weather appropriat, I know he knows how to do this.
I can't do everyting by myself. I can't handle cleaning up after five people, a dog and a cat, doing the yard work, working 40 or more hours a week, helping out my mom with stuff, helping out my grandma with stuff. you'd think that if I left him, I'd have more work to do, since I would have to do it all myself, but I sat down one day and really took a good hard look at the way things work around here, and I'd have SO. MUCH. LESS work to do around here if I left him. well, not around HERE, I'd rent a place with the kids. This place would have to be sold, which makes me sad.
So, the pros:
1- I'd have less work to do
2- I'd know which tasks would fall to me (everything), as opposed to hoping tht he'd actually get some shit done that isn't a video game. I'd know that I really don't have a partner to rely on.
3- I'd stop hoping for some sign of affection, and feeling like crap when I'm ignored for the two days a week I see him, while he plays video games.
4- I'd schedule some of the physical needs things that I need, like a regular massage. he talked me out of scheduling a regular appt for therapuetic massage because he could give me a rub down. And dudes, his rubdowns feel so, so good. But... it's been months since I've gotten even my feet and legs rubbed, much less my back and arms. I need that. I feel so much better after a massage, like my muscles don't want to kill me. I keep holding off on starting that, because I keep hoping that he'll come back to doing it.
5- Sadly, I think Bubba would be happier. Don't get me wrong, he loves his Daddy, and his Daddy does love him, but he neglects him. He doesn't know what to do with him, he is irritated by him and his oddities. He's not mean, but he's not great with him, either.
6- I'd sleep better in my own bed, without the slight nagging discomfort that I don't really know if I can actually trust him to respect my boundaries.
The cons:
1- dude. Divorce. it just sounds so... scary. So alone. and I do love him. and he's one of my best friends, even now. We can still laugh together, still hang out and enjoy each other's company. Divorce will destroy that, at least for a very long time.
2- this house isn't in any shape to be sold. So it'll be a while before that can happen anyway, and a lot of work.
3- it'll be hard on the kids. Really hard. Especialy for Monkey, who idolizes his father. We'd have to move, it'd uproot them.
yeah, that's all the cons I can think of at the moment. But I'm not feeling my most rational right now. I might think of more cons as the night progresses.. maybe not.
I don't know.
I think my first step is going to be getting myelf into counseling somehow, somewhere. I need someone objective to unpack all this shit to.
I need someone who doesn't see us as the perfect couple, because that's what so many people tell me all the time "your husband is so perfect, you guys are such a perfect couple" and it's starting to tear me up a little inside everytime I hear it. It fucking hurts, buecause it's getting further and further from the truth. And I used to feel that way, too.